Opinions on 16-Year-old Having Sleepovers with Girlfriend

How is this behavior going to help him in college and in a career? At what age is he going to stop bringing people that aren't working home to live? My neighbor just sent her son's girlfriend back to Oregon, after living there for 4 months and not helping and not working....

you feel like most RESPONSIBLE MOTHERS would feel. and unfornately the more you try to get him to stay away from her the more he will resist you. don;t really have any advice but i will pray for you and your situation.

What? Wow. Wow. Two words ~ teenage pregnancy. Yikes.

They may trust their daughter but why would you want to put her in such a situation. I agree with you and would not allow that at all. I am not sure what you can say or do to get his mom to see your point of view perhaps mention that maybe she does not want to take care of her son's baby.

My kids are still young, but just thinking back to when I was 16, I do not think you are being unreasonable in your suspicions! I'm glad you are trying to do something about it. Since you can't seem to get any of the other responsible parties (the other PARENTS) involved or at least acknowledge what's going on, maybe you should talk to your step son and his girlfriend. I know she's not around you much, but maybe there's some way you can arrange a meeting of sorts to discuss your concerns. Yeah, it will be uncomfortable, and they won't be happy about it, but if it gets you all talking and things out in the open at least you & they will know where everyone stands. Kudos to you for not just letting it go since the other parents have.....that's how kids get into trouble, I think. Regardless of what the kids may think, they are only 16 which means they are still 'kids'!
Best wishes during this tough time!

BTW, I also saw the Oprah show on this topic and I thought it was great. I hope I remember it when my kids are teenagers. Maybe you can find it on her website to get some tips on how to talk about it??

I just looked at this C., so sorry it's a little late.

For what it's worth, I think you are being responsible parents, which is hard to do! You are not being too conservative. They are both 16 years-old, which is still pretty young, and will seem younger if the girlfriend gets pregnant! I don't think it's about not trusting him, it's about knowing what happens, because they're young and hormonally driven. I think you're doing what parents are supposed to do, giving him guidance and boundaries! Okay, they are probably having sex etc.. but it's okay to draw the line because you are also sending him a message that you care about him (even if it doesn't seem that way to him). At some point, I would have an open, blunt talk about why you don't allow them to sleep over at your house and tell him your concerns/worries and how much you care about him/them. As far as the girlfriend never coming over, it sounds like he may not be telling her or she may be assuming that you would not like her. I would just keep inviting or asking.

Good luck!

M. M

You can go different ways with this subject on the one hand if they're going to have sex they're going to have sex... on the other hand... do you really want it to be on your property KNOWING that you're allowing it!

If it was my 16 year old. No way would they be able to stay the night together. I'd put a stop to having him stay the night at her house if at all possible.

My sister had her first baby at age 17 and while she's an amazing woman and she has a wonderful family with 4 kids now... I think she'd agree it affected her the rest of her life. She's struggled so much more than she would have if she hadn't had a baby that young.

I was allowed to spend time alone with my boyfriend at age 16 and while we waited till we were 18 it was a challenge. My parents didn't allow us to be alone together at my home so we just went to his house. While I was angry at the time with my parents I definetely see now how they felt.

YEIKES! No way on Gods green earth would I allow it. I know what I wanted to be doing at that age! Ready to be a Grandma yet? Sit them both down and tell them your concerns and make sure they are using birth control, cuz what do you wanna bet they are having sex and not being responsible, like MOST teenagers. Good Luck!

No you are NOT being too conservative. The behavoir of both his mother and the girlfriends "trusting" parents is irrisponcible.

I don't know what you can in this situation because you don't have sole custody of the son, however you need to set the limits on what he can do when in your care, he is a minor. He'll probably choose to spend more time with his mom since she's allowing him to have free access to his girlfriend, but at least you know that you have not contributed to this problem.

So sorry, I know this is stressful.

Oprah did a great show on this about 5 months ago. The two families where on different pages. They did ask the kids many questions about if they are going to have sex then what are you going to do if you have a STD? and explained those, what are you going to do when your are pregnant?Where are you going to live? how are you going to support your selves? etc....By the end of the show the girl who was romanticizing everything got a reality check and decided not to have sex. Especially when the boy said he would not "marry her" we are only 16!You may want to look that up. Good luck

The real question here is, where is your husband, his father in all of this? You can talk to the friend of the court, you might be able to get some restrictions/changes because this is dangerous behavior that she is allowing. You can talk to the girl's parents again. Tell them that you were informed that they are having sex and you want to know what type of birth control they are advocating, and tell them what kind your step-son is using. If you don't know, then your husband has to find out!

I would recommend that father and son spend a day or 2 away from you and your house, so that this is a father/son discussion and not a stepmother discussion. Make sure that your husband doesn't bring you into it in any way by saying "we are concerned" or "C. thinks" or "at our house". I am by no means an expert, I just think that it might make the son more receptive to the information. Good luck. I hope that you don't ever have to post that you are a grandma at this point.

Hey - we were all 16 once and based on what I remember I bet they are doing it, after all they almost have parental blessing and a nice cozy place to do it too. Make sure they are using birth control or you will end up being Grandma before you know it...

It's very unfortunate that you want to do the right thing by these kids, but the parents are not helping. You cannot be with them 24/7, and there is not way you can enforce rules at someone else's home, especially if they do not agree.

About the best you can do is have your husband, not you, sit him down and talk to him about STDs, pregnancy, etc. Have him tell you son what will happen to him in each scenario. This is something that has to be done by the man. Something in their directness that makes it stick.

I have mixed feelings about this topic. I believe, first off that some of the rules should be the same in both households. It makings things confusing otherwise, however, your step-son is 16, so he should be old enough not to get confused if rules are different. On the issue of the gf sleeping over, I think 16 is too young. Even after I turned 18, I wasn't allowed to have my boyfriend spend the night in my parents house; he wasn't even allowed over unless someone else was there, but I could spend the night at his house, but I was legally an adult, they couldn't stop me then if they wanted to. Mom may be trying to score some extra points with her son since she doesn't seem him every day, so give her some leeway there. However, I would insist on meeting the girlfriend and if she still doesn't come over, then I'd set some ground rules and if he breaks them, respond by enacting the punishment that you told him would follow disobedience. If you don't want him sleeping in the same room or bed with the girlfriend and mom won't listen, then talk to your lawyer, you may be able to amend the visitation rights temporarily on the grounds of promoting reckless behavior. We aren't in the days of the American Revolution when couples could sleep over but were sewn in bundling bags so that they couldn't touch one another. Good luck!

wow C.
being a mother of five girls and a son on the way there is no way on god good earth that i would ever let them stay at a boys house over nite even if they stayed in there own room it just crazy to think of putting them in something that they should not be dealing with.by the way my oldest girl is 19 16 15 10 and 4 and noway do i want to be a grandma any time soon .............what my sister tell her sons never ever trust a girl and always wrap it not that you want them to have sex but if you know they could be rather be safe then be a grandma

You are the stepmom, does that have anything to do with him disobeying? Where is his Dad in all of this? HIs opinion is a key component. This disagreement should not be between you and his mom, but he needs to step in and tell his son how he is expected to behave and have that heart to heart talk about sexual responsibility. This is a conflict about how to raise his son, and from his actions it sounds like he( the son) doesn't respect your wishes. I have to wonder, if they didn't have his mother's house to go to, would they still not come over to your house and be with your family? 16 year olds will do what they want to do, but that doesn't mean that they don't need parenting. And I agree with the responder about talking to her mother about birth control and you/hubby have that talk with him about birth control also. Neither you or her parents know if they are having sex, but the reality is either way, they need to be prepared for whatever they are doing.

C.,

I agree with just about everyone else, so I won't reiterate it all. You are in a scary situation since you are unable to be certain she's on birth control.

My question to you is in regards to your comment about them just leaving to drive to her house for the weekend. Who's driving? What are they driving? If you are letting him drive himself at sixteen without the respect of him even introducing his girlfriend to you or his father, let alone the sleepover issues, then that would be the first thing I would remove or address. Why not take him yourself? You would meet the girlfriend and they would not have the freedom of the vehicle for the weekend.

Just a thought. Sounds more like a reward, I guess, when I read it.

I hope that things work out well for you before he makes a very poor decision. You will be in my thoughts.

L.

I don't think you are being too conservative, you just have high moral standards which is very commendable nowadays. In your house, you call the shots. If you aren't comfortable with allowing your son to have his girlfriend over, then stick to your guns and don't allow it. You are his parents, not his friends. Look at it this way, if she got pregnant, you probably wouldn't hear the end of it for years to and somewhere down the line, you'd be blamed for it . Someday, he'll be grateful to you for your rules. I know alot of parents who were in a similar situation, and years later, the kids respected their parents for having tougher rules. Unfortunately, the age of consent is 16 and if his mother allows sleepovers with the girlfriend, there is not much you can do because you can't call the shots at her house. It sounds like this girl's parents need a reality check on teen sex. Many parents feel that it's better to have the kids do "it" in their house rather than sneak around. If he were my son, I would sit him down and openly talk to him about safe sex, pregnancy, STD's, not to mention sexual offenses.

M.

It is totally inappropriate for a 16 year-old couple to be having "sleepovers". I also find it fishy that the girlfriend never comes over to your house... if your stepson truly wanted to earn your trust, he should be more open to having her spend time with your family, and not feel the need to "hide" his girlfriend and only spend time with her at his mother's house. Also, if his mom is working the whole day that he's at her house, what's the point of his even going over there? Perhaps custody/visitation issues need to be discussed with his mom.

At the very least - you, your husband and your stepson need to sit down and have a long talk about your concerns.

No you are NOT being too conservative, I would say Absolutely NOT! This is totally inappropriate. They can have a sleepover when they decide to get married. What the heck is up with his mother? I don't care how trustworthy he is, it is totally not appropriate in my opinion. Why doesn't his mother have custody of him. Is it because she has poor judgment and lacks morals? My next question is, what type of parents does this girl have that they would allow her to "sleepover" at some boys house, whether she is trust worthy or not? What the heck? His mother sounds like a real loon to me. She is obviously not sensible. They are probably having sex on these sleepovers while she's there. It sounds like anything goes in her household? If I were you, I would tell him- As for your household, although I trust you, I don't feel comfortable with or think that a sleepover is appropriate for a young man and his girlfriend. I would say that the girlfriend is welcome to sit and have dinner with your family. You and your husband can calmly and quietly express any concerns with the arrangements. If he tries to argue say, "Son, we aren't arguing, we just were just stating our concerns." Be sure to talk with your husband in regards to with before making any decisions.
I would refrain from trying to pursue taking away the mother's parental rights or refusing visitation in this situation only because your son is 16 years old, he has been doing the sleepovers at the mom's house already. If you pursue any of the above named actions, he may rebel even more. However, if this girl comes up pregnant, I would consider letting his mother take the lead (since she opened up the door) as well as the girlfriend's parents, when it comes to offering the teen's any assistance. I would even let him move in with mom and offer help when they seek it (if found to be feasible and reasonable).

Forgive my ignorance, can this be a reason for re-nogotiating custody arrangements? (i.e. the mother is negligent). If this were brought to the attention of a family law judge, would it change the situation?

I just want to encourage you to NOT think of yourself as being too conservative. My children are still young, but I can still remember being 16 and with my boyfriend (now husband). We struggled over and over again with the sex issue-- and both of our parents were incredibly naive. I grew up in a Christian home and truly wanted to do the right thing, but our parents trusted us a little too much if you ask me. I may have resented it at the time, but looking back I WISH my parents had set stronger boundaries so that in my young, horomone-crazed 16 year old body- I wouldn't have made the mistakes I did. Set limits- he's not old enough to control his sex-drive and he may really be playing with fire. Your son's future wife will thank you.

Ummm... No that is not too conservative at all. That is called having some morals and standards to life in which you live by. There is no way in the world why the two of them should be allowed to stay together like that and she should not be allowed to come with him when he goes to spend time with the other parent. There is a proble with that and secondly I have a problem with the girlfriends parents even letting her do something like that. Let's face it we've all been teenagers before and sure our parents would like to think we wouldn't do certain things but we were teenager and if set in the right environment we will do certain things. So it is not a suprise that you battle with the thoughts you are sharing because there is probably some truth to it. I see many red flags in this scenario that you have painted and I am trying to figure out "where in the world!" are the adults in this and why isn't anyone enforcing what is the right thing to do regardless of what they want. The adults are the parents and the boy needs to adhere to what the parents say is the law period. Don't even worry with the girl yet lets get things in order with the son and his mom/dad. Let's get them on the same wave length with him first and then let's talk about the girl... Just my thought on the matter...

Coach TMB
"Empowering you by coaching you for life"
www.coachingyouforlife.com
____@____.com

put a stop to it. Ask the girls parents if she is on birth control.