Opinion on 'Rumors'

Something has led someone to start the rumor. It could be looks, laughs in the halls, whatever... but someone saw something. Good luck shooting them down. Rumors are impossible to shake I've always found.

I tend to believe where there's smoke there's fire. So, the rumor may not be the whole truth, but there is probably something there...

Hi J. -

I think rumor and gossip are basically the same thing - both often having no basis in the truth...... their definitions even reference each other.

RUMOR- 1. a story or statement in general circulation without confirmation or certainty as to facts; 2. gossip; hearsay

GOSSIP - idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others.

If you are going to make a "life altering decision" you should do so based on facts, not rumor or gossip. Often times, people will not respond to rumors because they are untrue and so far from the truth to be ridiculous.

If you need facts and cannot get them by yourself hire a professional - seriously, a private investigator or something. At least that would be an objective third party who could look into whatever it is and give you an unbiased report on actions.

Rumors are malicious and spread like wild fire, uncontrolled and uncontrollable. Do you remember, back in grade school, when all the kids would line up and the teacher would whisper a sentence in the first kids ear, then each child would whisper it down the line? It was never the same sentence when it reached the end of the line from what the teacher originally whispered to the first child.

Good Luck and God Bless.

there are two kinds of rumors - one, someone, for some reason, decided to start one out of boredom,spite, or as a joke (completely false), and two, someone saw/heard something, and had to tell someone, who had to tell someone, etc (based on fact). you can't really know which it is, but i can guarantee you, in most circles (unless you're hanging out with some real trashy winners) the S. is a lot more prevalent. the thing to keep in mind with the S. kind is that often what was heard/seen may have been taken out of context or misunderstood. so there's really no way to ever know. unless you confront the person who started it, or who it's about. and then keep in mind, people lie. even about stupid harmless stuff, if they think the answer will hurt your feelings. so i'm sorry, but a rumor just doesn't give you much to go on.

if you are questioning your husband's loyalty, (i have been in your shoes), imo, your best bet is to accept that without concrete proof, you are only making yourself crazy about "what if's". and know that the moment you have concrete proof, you will be completely justified in walking out the door (or kicking HIM out, whichever). but until then, you are just the psycho paranoid wife. at least that's the point i got to. i never did find my proof. and ten years later the paranoia is pretty much gone. i hate to say - i almost trust him. lol! but i am glad i didn't leave over a guess. and he still knows that if i ever DID find proof...no question. over. just my experience. you WILL drive yourself insane (and make your family miserable) if you keep looking for deception. i don't know your situation but that's been my experience. hth.

I know you're having a tough time, but I don't believe that rumors are only rumors if there is truth to it.
I don't believe that at all.
Anyone can make anything up.
Anyone can say anything.
I'm sorry, but if someone "confronts" me about a ridiculous rumor, whether it's even about ME, I don't defend myself or the other person. I turn around and walk off because they are idiots for believing a rumor. Something someone said to this person who repeated it to that person but they weren't sure but it could be true so they told someone else to see what they thought in case it might be true and so and so wouldn't even respond so THAT'S suspicious.....
Rumors are the root of all evil.
Just because someone won't answer or buy into one doesn't mean anything.
You're trying to make a life altering decision about your marriage....I think you need to go to the source. Your HUSBAND.
Yes, he could lie to you. But that doesn't mean that everything else you hear is true either.
If you have a bunch of people with proof he's lying to you, the proof is in the pudding, so to speak.
Men will lie til the end of time, (sorry good and decent men), but you have to sort this out for yourself.
You want your husband or you don't.
Rumors have nothing to do with it.

Best wishes.

I agree, go to the source immediately and confront them. You should also confront the hubby. Trust your instincts, whatever the case may be. If you're feeling queezy about something, then there's obviously a problem that needs to be dealt with. I've really relied on my instincts. If it's what I hope it's not, hire a detective to investigate. My friend did it and found out her hubby was a compulsive gambler who practically gave away the house they were living in. She had bailed him out twice before. Detective also got some nice pictures of him with a lady. Now they're divorced and she's with another nice fellow. Wish you luck always...

Keep in mind also that if you ever discussed any doubts you have with a friend or online in a public forum, you could have inadvertently started a "rumor". Anything you may have said was your interpretation of events, biased by your doubts. It just takes one retelling to further distort information.

I looked at your previous post, and it refers to a coworker of your husband. Rumors at work are easily spread and could start with something as simple and stupid as jealousy. If there was some sort of "emotional affair" going on, that in itself is enough to start people speculating about things they don't know. I agree with the previous posters who said "go to the source".

If you are going to make a difficult, life-altering decision, make sure it is based on facts.

A rumor becomes a rumor because someone is willing to tell the story or their interpretation of the story. A rumor doesn't have to have one shred of truth in it, it just needs to be spread. Different people handle rumors being spread differently. Some defend themselves vehemently while others just fall silent. If you desire to believe the worst about someone, it doesn't matter what they say when your mind is made up.

What do you really want? I may have some advice that may help you. Send me a private email if you are interested. I really hope this helps on its own.

I think you already know the answer to what your husband is doing. We can't tell you one way or another because we don't know the circumstances. Follow your heart and how this relationship makes you feel.

Addendum - I just read you past post because your name sounded familiar. I am sorry you are still dealing with issues from him. If it were me I would have to get away from him.

If I hear a rumor, I go to the source of it and ask if it is something I really need to know. If it is something that isn't my business and I don't have anything to do with it, I leave it alone. If I were to be involved in a rumor, and given the chance to clear the air and set the record straight, I would. But most people who know me, know that I don't talk about others or behind their back--if I have something to say, I say it to them directly.

I am sorry you are having a big decision to make in your marriage.If your husband is the source of the rumor, I would just ask him---is there any truth to this? I have found with rumors that generally the basis of the rumor is truth but most of it is made up and highly skewed to make the story more interesting. Best wishes to you!

M

It depends:
-some ruomors might have a kernel of truth to them but are distorted as they make their way from person to person
-some rumors are completely false and made up in a malicious attempt to slander someone...sometime this kind of rumor might start with someone 'thinking' something and then turning it into truth. Possibly like you said-when a person puts themself into a situation that will cause others to make and spread assumptions veiled as truth.
-some rumors are right on.

I wold think if someone where confronted with an untrue rumpr about themselves they would be upset and try to disprove it.

Good luck on your decision.

I will say this, the rumors that have been said about me, that have gotten back to me, have had a core of truth. BUT just because you dont defend yourself or say it isnt true, doesnt mean that it is indeed true. What ever life altering decision you are about to make, shouldnt be based on rumors, but if your guts is telling you something follow it.

Rumors aren't always true or even partly true, it is people talking about other people and they tell someone else and so on until there can be nothing true in them. If you plan on making life altering decisions about your marriage, I would not do it by hearing rumors but by finding out facts. Remember it is hard to prove something never happened if we are talking about rumors of affairs or such. How do you prove to someone you never cheated? I have a neighbor who worked with me and when a friend stopped over to see somethings I do on the computer, she told everyone at work that we were having an affair. It wasn't even closely to being true and most know me and know better, my husband didn't have any problem with it because he knows me well enough to know I wouldn't. The thing is, in a small town it spreads like wild fire and if people hear it from enoough people they do believe it. I just ignored it and let it all die down. It was funny though when my bosses husband came to help me get my diamond earring out of the drain while my husband worked out of town, he wouldn't park in our driveway because of this nosey neighbor..lol.

I don't think that a rumor is always based in fact. In fact, I think most rumors are based on unverified information and if there is any truth in them it is usually quickly distorted. I could start sending everyone on here personal messages indicating that J. M from Papillion has six toes on her left foot....some people would believe that rumor but it is clearly not based on fact. And that is just how rumors start...someone decides to say something for any or no reason (I think it is often just for drama's sake). As to defending myself....no, I wouldn't. If there is a rumor going around I would just ignore it especially if the person bringing the rumor to my attention has a habit of believing everything she hears and is accusatory by nature.

first of all rumors are inherently false, and no, they dont have to be based on any fact! i live in an area where everything is rumored about, and they are always wrong. people who are unhappy want others to be unhappy, so they literally make up stuff. sure, someone could be having an affair with so and so simply based on the fact that they spoke for 2 minutes in the local grocery store. she might have laughed and touched his shoulder or something. a simple exchange in a local grocery store might mean nothing, but an overlooker can take that and run with it! pretty soon, you hear a tale of someone handing over a hotel key, and winking or something. i mean seriously? if you are going to make decisions based on some rumor, you are being just as foolish as the rumor spreader!!

heres the thing about rumors. if you ignore them they usually go away. the spreaders of rumors are looking for some kind of reaction or attention. they WANT you to go off like a 7th grade drama queen, and they want to see you and someone else get hurt. maybe they "dont really want that" but the fact of the matter is people who spread rumors might really believe it, but you dont have to.

if you confront someone about a rumor, and you are convinced that its true already, nothing that the other person can say is going to convince you otherwise. right? i mean, you already have your mind made up! you have made your decision already, before you ever confronted them about it. especially true with men, especially in cases where you might have already had conversations similar to this in the past, and you didnt believe him from the start. basically, when a man senses that you are already willing to believe someone else over him, then hes going to "check out" of the conversation to avoid the confrontation, and avoid having to fight for your trust. i mean, if you dont trust him now, why would his denial make you trust him? you are still going to wonder if hes lying arent you? if he says yes, you're gonna be mad, and if he says no you are going to wonder if hes lying. am i right? examine your own mind lady, because it sounds to me as if you fully believe this rumor, whether or not its really true, and you made your mind up a long time ago. this is about you making your mind up, not about whether or not he did something.

if you want to get past this, get over this, and stop trusting others before you trust your husband, you have to stop the madness NOW. you have to ask him for forgiveness for judging him, and believing others before you believed him. you have to be willing to admit YOUR fault in the situation (because even when a man cheats, it doesnt come out of nowhere, its usually a symptom not a cause) and you have to be willing to change, and then you pick up the phone and find someone to do counseling with you. if you have a church, they are the FIRST place to go. if not, another kind of counselor, if not, the least you can do is start doing your own kind of therapy: my recommendation is to go to mark gungor's website and buy "laugh your way to a better marriage". this dvd will totally change your view on men, and women for that matter, how marriage is supposed to work, things like that. it is ABSOLUTELY the best thing me and my husband ever did. you will NOT regret the purchase. its about the price of two dinners out, and included 3 dvds, you can get 3-6 date nights out of. and seriously do date nights. at LEAST once a week, if not more, put those kids in bed, sit on the couch together and watch this seminar. there are videos on youtube that you can check out as well.

im TELLING you, rumors are always false. they might be based on some truth, but its usually some truth that is so small and unimportant that its amazing anyone can make up such lies. also; whomever is spreading rumors in your life, its time to cut them off. i dont care if they've been your friend since 1982, you will not continue to have friends who are sabatoging your marriage. those are not true friends no matter how many years they have been around. true friends will encourage your marriage, stand by your marriage, support you and be a blessing to both of you. true friends love you AND your husband. unless they are in love with him, theres nothing to gain for a friend to break you up. yes, its painful, yes its hard, yes its work, but why would you get married and expect everything to be easy?!

i hope you arent hurt by what i have to say. if im wrong, im wrong, but some people just need to hear it like i see it. i dont know you, i dont know your situation, but from what i can tell it seems like high school drama to me. unplug from it, figure out why you cant resist the drama, and heal yourself and your marriage. its WORTH it trust me. DONT GIVE UP. :)

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear a rumor, or are
about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, ", do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass
a little test.
It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" replied the acquaintance?
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student
let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.

The first filter is truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a
third filter - the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my
student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor
good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.

I don't think rumors have to be based on truth- some may be and some may be completely false. Talk to your husband about this(since it seems to involve him) and just be completely straight forward with how you feel and what you have heard. Just because someone doesn't immediately jump up and deny also doesn't mean they are guilty. They might consider the rumor so unfounded that it doesn't deserve even a response.
There was a rumor going around my school about a friend of mine when I was in high school. Instead of asking her about it, or letting her know about it( I don't think she knew about this one) I kept silent and believed it. As I think about it now- there was no basis what so ever for this rumor besides someone who didn't like this girl. It was a very ugly rumor and I think had she denied it(had she even heard about it) it would have made it worse for her. I still feel bad for believing the one who told me the rumor, although he was a known liar and had reason to be mad at her- instead of believing in my friend who was a very nice and sweet girl.
I wish you the best with this- rumors are there to plant seeds of doubt and distrust in our relationships that will destroy them whether the rumor is based in truth or not. You will have to search your soul to see if this is something that will break your marriage or make it stronger.
~C.

Truth does not have to be part of a rumor at all whatsoever. My tenants create rumors about my husband and I on occasion and when the rumor finds it's way back to my office by a tenant that thinks we need to know about it we laugh every time! I had a routine mammogram a few months ago. I heard thru the grapevine that I had breast cancer and was possibly pregnant. I'm 53, dont have a belly and never said to anyone that I thought I had a lump.
They also come and tell us that they heard we are quitting on occasion. We never grumble about the job to anyone. People just make stuff up for absolutely NO reason lots of times. We heard that one of the tenants was selling drugs from her apartment because a lot of people would come and go.... the tenant was selling Avon. You cant believe everything you hear, but you can investigate to get to the bottom of a rumor if you so choose to. I guess that would depend on the rumor's nature and who it involved if you wanted to go to the source with your question. If a rumor is impacting you or someone you love in a very negative way.. I guess I might want to find out who the naysayer was..... but for the most part they arent worth investigation.

Look deep within yourself and find out what your gut is telling you and go from there.

Good luck!

Ever play Gossip? In a larger circle of people (or a classroom of kids), one person whispers something to one person and then they each pass it to the next. By the time it's gone full circle, the message can be completely different than what it started out as.
Rumors can be like this.
Also, there was a kids show (Cyber Chase I think) on a while back where witnesses to a crime all gave statements and that seemed to be conflicting. But each was the truth from where they witnessed it. None of them had a complete picture of what was going on, so their stories were correct only from a certain context/point of view.
Rumors can be like this, too.
You have to take rumors with a grain of salt and consider the source and their motives.
You've got to play detective, lay out all the facts you can find in front of you and then draw a conclusion.
And then you do what is best for yourself and your kids and their future.

I say go with what your heart is telling you. I think you just don't trust him & it's not going to change because of what you hear from us whether we think it's a rumor. Sounds like you know your answer already, just do what you need to do for you & your children. I'm a believer in once a cheater always a cheater. If you're not happy, your children are not happy!!!

Good luck, it's a hard thing to go through!

I went back and read your question on emotional cheating, which I believe is what is behind your difficulties about making a decision about your marriage. From that perspective, I can see why you are hurting and how your trust has been shattered. It is difficult to get the trust back - it can be done but it is difficult. To answer your question about rumors though, I have to say that no, I don't think rumors are always rooted in truth and I don't think they always result from putting yourself in a position to be talked about. Sometimes rumors are just malicious. Sometimes people passing gossip have their own motives or their own agenda and they can make very innocent events "fit" the perspective they want others to adopt because they have something to gain. So back to your marriage, where are the rumors coming from? Do the people passing the rumors have anything to gain by making you believe the rumors are true? Are there potentially people in your lives who would like to see you and your husband split or would like to see your husband maligned at work or who just love drama? If that potential exists, than I would doubt the rumors and I would not allow rumors to destroy my family. What is the status with your husband - is he still attending counseling with you? Is he still in personal contact with the coworker? Are you enjoying family times together, having date nights, making an emotional connection? Do you believe he loves you and wants to keep your family together? My husband had a real affair - we're not talking emotional cheating, but the real thing. It left my emotional well being so broken that it took years to trust him again (but we got there). During that chaotic time, I had friends that added to the drama and friends that built me back up. I learned that you have to go with your own instincts - not what other people are telling you. Even well meaning close relatives who probably didn't even know they had ulterior motives counseled me away from the road I chose (to stay). I still love them dearly (even though I have since seen the motivations that drove them) but I am so glad I followed my own heart. This is a tough time for you, but you should make your decisions based solely on your own feelings. Whatever you choose will be a long road so make sure it's the road you want to be on - not where others think you should be. Best of luck and many hugs to you.

I believe honesty and trust are the glue that holds a marriage together. No matter the circumstance, if you aren't honest with each other or yourself for that matter, or if you don't trust your husband, then your marriage is in BIG trouble or has failed already. IF you are looking to salvage, save, or bring it back to what it should be...please buy and read the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura Slossenger. Best book ever for anyone going through troubling times in a relationship or if you just want to make what you already have better. I know it's hard, I was a mom of 4 little ones, 4 and under (set of triplets in there) when I went through my divorce. Make the choice that is best for you, your kids would rather come from a broken home than to be in one. Best of luck to you.

I just read your last post. Is your husband still having an emotional affair with this other woman and is that what the rumor is about? I saw that even after you asked him to stop and counseling, he continued to jeopardize your marriage and respect by continuing to contact her.

If the rumor is about them, and considering the background (kissing, almost lost his job, neglectful of your feelings) I would lean towards the rumor being true especially if you are not getting a direct explanation or defense.

If a person confronted me about a rumor I would most definitely want to defend myself. If it was absolutely not true I would not in anyway get defensive.

Go to counseling - I'd hate to throw away a marriage based on rumors. Ask around at local churches - often they have counselors that will meet with you for free. I'd say, don't give up. Even if some truth is behind the rumors, your marriage is worth fighting for.