Omg So I Know I Brought This upon Myself but I Need Some Serious Advise.

You recognized you made a mistake. You asked for advice. Good start.

Everybody says things they regret. If you love him, apologize and apologize. If you love him and he loves you make a commitment. The commitment is called marriage. I looked forward to getting married, but it was a tremendous burden I took on when I asked my wife to marry me, because I knew it wasn't going to be only me I had to worry about. I actually felt as though a weight had been laid across my shoulders. It is a real life changer, or at least it was for me. Marriage is signifies a genuine, real-life commitment. Part of earning the title "Dad" also means earning the title "husband".

You say he earned the title, "Dad". In a fit of anger you took that away from him. That's a tremendous cut and right to the heart.

You didn't say what the "major issues" were that you and your boyfriend were arguing about so those cannot be addressed. Go to marriage counseling and get some advice. If he won't go, go by yourself.

Remember, no sex without the commitment of marriage. Good Luck to you and yours.

My heart is breaking for your poor little girl.

If there is any way you can repair this -- do it. And if you manage to get back with your boyfriend, don't EVER say that again. That was SO damaging. You are not allowed to say anything you want when you are angry. Some things can NEVER be said.

I really hope you can get back together with your boyfriend -- APOLOGIZE profusely, and tell him he IS your little girl's dad.

Then, the two of you need to get married, and be kind to each other. You have TWO kids together. Don't mess this up. Apologize, apologize, and then apologize some more.

This is how you say it: "I'm sorry for saying that, you ARE her dad. I'm SO sorry. I'm sorry, I was wrong, I'm sorry." And you say that as many times as you need to. If that's hard for you to do, it's time for you to learn how to be humble and wrong. We are all wrong sometimes.

Be honest. Tell her that you made a mistake. He is not her "dad" and he will not be there anymore.
Please stop making babies with boyfriends and confusing the kids. Keep your love life separate from your mom-life for the good of ALL involved.

Just had to comment on the advice of telling her "he IS your daddy"....seriously???? He is NOT her daddy. If he was her daddy, he wouldn't have cut and run the way he did--or maybe he would have because he did leave "his" son and now he's apparently going to have visits with only "his" child? This is madness. C., this is not a personal attack on you, but when women/mothers make poor choices that blur the line between roles/titles...this is what happens. It makes a mess. A mess of which the kids never asked to be in the middle.

If you don't think that you will ever get back together with this guy, or even if you do, she needs to know the truth.

Tell her that he wasn't her Daddy, and that her Daddy is "busy" or use another word you feel more comfortable with.........explain that your boyfriend is her brothers daddy and that you are glad he likes her too........but that you two aren't getting along, and like her Daddy, her brothers Daddy won't be living with you either.....

Leave it at that.....she's too young to follow the dealings of adults and what they do..........just make sure she knows she is loved.........

For the future, you need to make sure you are honest with the kids, and try to make sure the men in your life don't even come near your kids until you know that this may be something special and he may be sticking around........it's very confusing for the kids........my sons went through this with their father, he had so many different women, they can't even remember them all.........it really effected how they handle their relationships as well. Even tho I was stable for them and didn't bring men around them.........but please, you need to put them first...........

I wish you luck and you hang in there. If you need help, don't feel bad about asking for some counseling. You and your kids deserve a good life, no matter what, so asking for help to get there is not a crime.

Take care.

If you can contact your ex you need to apologize for that remark and ask if he has a desire to still be in your daughters life (if you think this would be healthy for her). Tell him you understand things are over between the two of you. If he wants to be in her life, and you agree, then go from there.

If he is really gone gone from your daughters life then it is time to come clean. Be honest. Apologize to her and re-assure her that you will always love her no matter what. Does she have a grandpa that could step in?

This is going to be very hard on her, and I would avoid introducing any new men as Daddy until you are married, but of course that does not help with the problem right now. If he is willing to still be a Dad to her, and visit with her when he does his son that could be very good for her, but if he is not willing to still be dad (and it would have to be a life long commitment to it on his part) than you will have to just be there for her, let her cry and morn her loss, and try to protect and love her the best you can. I am sorry you and her both have to go through this.

Talk with him and figure out a way to explain it together. She's very young, so you don't need to go into details. I wouldn't get too wrapped up in the "dad" word, but the point is her parents are separating and that's confusing. You may want to use simple words like "Mommy and Daddy are having a hard time using nice words right now so Daddy is going to live with grandma for a while." See how it goes. For most little kids, they ask a question and you answer them honestly... conversation over. She will be upset, but keep giving her a simple, but honest answer and you will avoid confusion.

C.,

To your daughter his name is “Dad”. He’s the only father she has known and unless he’s planning on having someone else pick the baby up every time, your daughter will be hurt and confused over and over.

You and he may be on the outs and it may be for good, but if he loves your little girl and has been a good father, I would suggest the two of you put the kids first and make a visitation arrangement for both children.

If he truly wants to abandon your little girl, then you will have to “try” to explain. If he doesn’t, don’t try to explain the unexplainable to a very young child.

Blessings…..

I think this is a conversation you need to have with him. Of course offer your sincere apology and hopefully he understands you said it and that was not coming from your daughter in anyway. He shouldn't punish her for it. I would have sent both kids anyway!

You aren't saying if you want the relationship to be salvaged or not. If you did, one great book is "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. You probably can find it at the library.

So sorry that your daughter is going through this. To her, emotionally he is her Dad, whatever he is called, and now he is no longer around. If you do end up splitting up, treat her adjustment like a child going through a divorce. Maybe the titles and legal trappings aren't there, but the same feelings are. I don't know of any good books on that offhand. (refer to book in first paragraph for reason why ;o] )

Good Luck! And have patience with yourself, your daughter and your now ex-boyfriend.

Oh, that's so hard. I would say, though, that he is her Daddy, even if he isn't her biological father. If he is willing to be in her life, even if you two split, I would ask for him to forgive you for telling him he is not her father, and ask him to continue the relationship he has with her. That is assuming he will be continuing to see your baby son as well.

As for explaining it to your daughter, I don't know what to suggest, but I'd find some way to be honest. She should know that her "Daddy" is not her actual biological father at some point. There are so many families made up of parents who are not biological that there must be a good way others have found to deal with this.

Good luck!!!

Hi C.,
I think that the difficult but true answer here is that when you and your boyfriend committed to each other and allowed your little girl to call him "dad," you gave her a father that you cannot fairly now take away since it is no longer a pleasant situation for the two of you. My feeling is that your little girl should be allowed to continue to call him dad and when he has visits with your son, your daughter should visit, as well. That is the only dad she has ever known - he signed on to that responsibility - it shouldn't only be in fair weather.
I hope this is helpful and I wish you all the best.

Why is your relationship going downhill? Is it salvagable? You have to answer those questions before you know how to proceed.
My thoughts are this man treats your daughter as his own. That's a big deal since so many men don't even want to claim thier own. I know you don't want to have an endless list of "daddys" in her life. And If he has bonded that way with her, he's willing to be her daddy for life. That would be enough for me to fight with everything I have to make it work. Relationship counseling, church, whatever. Has he done something unforgiveable? You know sometimes comittment isn't easy. But It won't be any easier with the next guy. It may be easier to walk away, but you could just be going through a valley and headed toward a peak. You share an unbreakable bond with this man that is always going to put him above the rest of the guys.

Too often we allow one stressful situation to turn into a life changing event. It sounds like this is possibly the case with you and your boyfriend. I agree with those who are suggesting you try to work this out, get counseling and see if the two of you can't make up and get back together. Life is tough sometimes and we do have to make compromises. As long as he is not a totally abusive person that you can't trust, try to figure out how the two of you can get along. You may find that with a bit of effort (and as someone said "eating a bit of crow") that you will get back that love that you must have felt for each other at one time in order to have gotten into this situation in the first place.
As a woman who has been married to the same man for 40 years, I can tell you that there are times when I felt like 'throwing in the towel' and calling it quits too. But those times passed and with some deep soul searching and forgiveness on the part of both of us, we have survived many stormy situations and now love each other more than we did the day we got married.
I believe sincerely that if more married people stepped back from the rough situations and disagreements and really tried to learn to get along, we'd reduce our divorce rate in this country and a lot of children would be spared lives of having to go back and forth from mom to dad for their visitations and would have happier lives. Sorry for the "preaching" but it is truly something I deeply believe.

Hi-
THis is a tough one. I think the question here is how much crow are you willing to eat? Many times we say things in anger that sub conciously we know are the most hurtful because we are hurt. It does not make sense how much we hurt the ones we love, but we do.
THe key here is to make amends, no matter who was wrong in this situation. Make amends and work on trust. Even if you feel that the two of you do not belong together, you need to have an amicable relationship for those children. And yes, he is daddy to both. Genetics don't make a man a father. It's the children and how he treats and raises them. It should be "don't yell at YOUR daughter like that!" Because from what you stated, he is the only father she knows.
I reccommend a serious one on one with your boyfriend regarding your relationship and your children. Then I reccommend counseling for the both of you. It does not have to be over unless neither of you is willing to work on it. But if it is, counseling can help you get over the major hurt and back to an amicable relationship for your kids.
I hope this helps.
-E.
P.S. Read this book: The 5 Love Languages. It has saved MANY relationships and marriages that people thought were past saving.

I think by your post that you know what the right thing to do is. You must respect your daughter's need to be with her "dad". You have to put your own grown-up issues aside and allow their relationship to continue to flourish. Your daughter is lucky to have a Dad who loves her and wants to continue caring for her, even if the two of you disagree on parenting . I suggest that you set up a monthly appointment with a counselor who specializes in co-parenting negotiation (NOT a relationship counselor, but someone who can help you two work out parenting issues such as pick up, bedtimes, foods, etc.). Most people find after a break up that it is hard to negotiate simple co-parenting issues on their own because their own anger, sadness, or other "stuff" gets in the way.

Whether you like it or not, this man IS daddy to her. And, yes, you brought this on yourself. You need to handle it just exactly the same as when a real father leaves, as this is her real father to her. Do not go down the petty and hurtful road of telling her that he is not really her father. Noone wins there. It is natural and expected to defend our children. No matter who is attacking them. Even the other parent. Yes, he is the other parent. Do not let the heat of an argument turn you into a the hurtfull attacker. You let her call him Dad because he "earned the title". Is he a good Dad? Where's the harm in letting him continue to be Dad to her without being boyfriend/hubby to you. This is what we do when there is a seperation or divorce. This is what you ARE doing with the 5 month old.

She's really young, but you need to tell her the truth in a way that she will be able to understand.

Let her know that you and her dad are not getting along and he is going to live somewhere else for the time being.

These kinds of situations are very hard and will be sad for you as well as your daughter.

Persevere!

This man is her dad. He's also your babys dad. Even if you stay apart you need to learn to coparent healthily. Apologize for the low blow. Own it fully. And seek counseling for whichever road your relationship goes -- together if possible, alone if not. My man and I did group counseling together for a year snd it changed our life. A few months ago I knew I needed a refresher and I have been going on my own withan open invitation for him. I want him there but am bettering myself and my interactions with or without him. And I am not angry with him for not being there. I would suggest that the same would really help you.

Dear C.:

If you are blaming yourself for the fact that this guy got mad and yelled at your daughter, that makes no sense. He is responsible for his behavior as you are for yours. Picking irresponsible men might be something you think about in the future. Sounds like this one having earned the right to be called dad is no longer behaving like one. You will have problems with working out the visitation and custody etc of your son.

I am sure your little girl is feeling a loss and you are feeling alone now, so you can discuss that with her and share your sad feelings. What she calls him and what she gets to call a responsible man who is there for her throughout her life is less important than how he behaves towards her and towards you.

I have been called mom which I consider an honor by many non related people in my 78 years. It is ok to have more than one or two parent figures.

Find yourself a really good man for the long haul. It is hard...but worth being careful and wise. Maybe a bit of counseling would help.

Forgiveness is good, but you do not have to be in a relationship with someone who argues with you and yells at your child or children. Not good for them to see and hear either.

Best of luck in moving on and you might give yourself credit instead of blame. (Would it have been all right to talk to her like that if he HAD been her dad?

N.