My youngest child is 9. We live in an area where it is safe to play outside with minimal supervision. I allow my son to go to the end of our block. There are 4 or 5 boys that are in the 7-9 year range that play together and roam the neighborhood, going from one house to another, playing war, tag, basketball, etc. Recently, a boy from a few blocks away has been joining them. This boy is at least 13, maybe 14. From his actions and the way he talks, I can see he isn't "average". He has sort of slurry speech, like some kind of speech impediment. And when I met him, he said "My name Bobby". He's very friendly and seems really sweet. He told me that our house is nice. My problem is that my "hinky meter" goes NUTS when he's there. If he isn't on the same emotional maturity level as kids his age, I can see why he wants to play with boys that are 9 and under, but the hairs stand up on the back of my neck and I'm on high alert. I told Andrew that when the boys are at our house, he has to leave his bedroom door open. And I've reminded him about privacy and not letting anyone touch him inappropriately. When Bobby is around, I find myself going outside to check on the boys more often. I've told Andrew he cannot go to Bobby's house, and that if any other parents aren't home that he can't go inside anyone's house. I hate feeling this way about a child, and I question myself about whether it's because Bobby is different, or if there is a genuine concern. So, I guess my question is what would you do in this situation? I plan on calling the other mom that I know pretty well and asking her opinion. Advice?
I probably should ad that I work full time, so these play sessions are in the afternoons, through evening - so only a few hours time each day. I'm not even home until after 5, and my child goes to the school I work with, and doesn't have contact with the neighborhood boys who go to the local public school. So, I don't know any of the other parents very well at all, only his best friend's mom.
Instead of talking about Bobby with the other neighborhood moms, why don't you go meet Bobby's parents?
I would talk with the other mom that you know and see if her 'hinky meter' goes nuts around Bobby too. Maybe you can have some of the other mommies over some afternoon and include Bobby's mom-it's good to know the moms. I think you are taking all the right precautions, I would try to keep the kids within eyesight as much as possible when he is with them. There is definitely something to be said about mommy's intuition, keep em close!
I feel for you. We recently moved, but in our old neighbor hood we had a boy next door who I was constantly watching... my kids were even younger and he wanted to come play. My oldest was 3 and this kid was 9 or 10. I think he was just a really lonely only child, but it bothered me to the point that I would not go out if he was around. We had another neighbor who was not shy about telling him to go find kids his own age to play with... eventually he stopped coming by. I too struggled with it. I think you are doing all the right things.
Jessica
Trust your instincts. Be watchful. Keep reminding your kid of the rules. Generally I wouldn't let my young ones play with older ones expecially in these age ranges. Bobby may have some learning disabilities but he may also be the lure for your kids to end up in something you wouldn't want for them. Scarry world but trust your instincts. Better safe than sorry.
I would try to meet his parents and his people. This may put some of your fears to rest or not but it is what we do as parents.
That's a 4/5 year difference I guess I wouldn't think much of it because my boys are 5 years apart and whenever we go anywhere the older boys always include my 4 year old I don't know how it will be when they are 13 and 9 but I hope it will be the same. I have always been very close to my cousin we are 5 years apart.
Emotionally, Bobby may be in the 7-9 year old range but physically he is 13-14 and has the same raging hormones as any teen boy. It's hard for teenagers to go through this stage, but even harder for someone who has the emotional maturity of a 7-9 year old. Trust your mom instincts. Bobby may be a sweet kid, but he may not have good impulse control which puts the younger kids in danger. I think you're doing the right thing to supervise their play and keep communication open with your son. You can talk with Bobby's parents, but no matter what they say, I'd trust my own gut and be careful.
I think its crazy to think that, since the child is different, he is more likely to harm younger children. As a teacher, I worked with several children who were 11-13 physically, but emotionally and intellectually 6 or 7. They were sweet, gentle kids and less likely to harm or bully others than their classmates. To me, it would be an opportunity to talk about compassion and differences and valuing all types of people.
With that being said, since you feel nervous, call Bobby's mom. Make sure to start with your observations that he is sweet and friendly. Tell her that the kids usually play with little supervision, and ask if how much supervision he needs. Try to find out about Bobby in the conversation with the mom.
If you still feel uncomfortable after the conversation, start supervising more and setting rules to keep your child safe.
I think it is worth paying attention to your instincts. Proceeding with caution is advisable and your rules sound reasonable. If there is potential for harm, then your rules should be preventative, along with some closer supervision. On the other hand, if he is a kid with a disability that needs peers in his maturity range, what a blessing to him and his family that he has that. My experience with kids with mental disabilities is that they respond quite well to open behavioral guidelines. You cannot be subtle - so if he is doing something you are uncomfortable, tell him, "If you are going to play with "son", then I need to know that you follow the rules. One of the rules is......(insert rule). It might be helpful to talk to his parents too. A causal conversation in a driveway may give you some information that would be helpful.
I had a similar situation years ago. When the "different" boy showed up at my door to show my stepson something he made (a homemade mace from duct tape and nails) and put my foot down and said NO MORE INTERACTION. It hurt the other boy's feelings. But it was my job to protect my stepson and keep him out of trouble.
I thinak that feeling is coming from somewhere. Even if it's not molestation, you need to watch the boy more carefully since he's different. Maybe you should make an effort to meet the other moms. Host a little brunch one Saturday morning with a quick invite that says "get to know you". When they arrive, just tell them since the kids are playing together so much, you thought it would be nice to get to know the other parents and to make sure everyone is on the same page. You can keep it casual, just getting to know them, or you can take it up a notch by asking things like "do you let the boys watch movies at your house?" That opens the door for expressing that you would prefer they didn't watch a movie that you weren't aware of, or it can only be G or PG, whatever your comfort level. You may get a better feel for this boy after you meet his mom. she may explain what his deal is, she may even offer up a thanks for the boys that play with him. No matter what, I think it's important to know the other parents of the kids that your child is going in their home.
If it were me I would find out as much as I can about the kid by asking the other neighbors. I would also meet his parents. And I would feel the same way as you do...it is strange for a kid that age to want to play with 7 yos. But if there are no other kids around his age and he is lonely that might be why...also if he is develop. behind.
Try to meet his parents. Your hinky-meter might be going off because you don't KNOW him. I remember as a kid there was a guy who was probably in his 20's, but he was mentally challenged in some way. He was a big kid, basically and he loved playing with the other kids. I remember my mother saying something to me about not playing with him, etc. She never bothered to get to know him, etc. It made me angry, especially when a "normal" kid who was older than I was molested me. Trust your gut, but get facts before making any judgements on the "not-normalness".
I think your concerns are well founded. This boy is older than your son by quite a few years. Why not invite the other boys moms, including Bobby's, over one afternoon or on a Sat. for coffee and dessert and get to know them. You can get a clear picture of what the boys and their home lives are like by being around their moms. I wouldn't let my son go into any other child's home unless I had at least met the parents.
I agree - go have a talk with Bobby's parents. If having that talk doesn't go the way you want it to, then tell them that you don't think it's appropriate for a 13 year old to be playing with 7-9 year olds and to please let their son know that.
I also think that once you have the talk and decide not to let him be around your son - if you see him, shoo him away.
Trust those mommy instincts!!
