So we are living in London for a few years. Christmas 2010, as their gift, we gave my brother and BIL each one round trip ticket to London to visit us (My brother is married my BIL is not). My BIL made the trip out here in February 2011 and we bought the ticket...My FIL made the trip out here in July 2011 and we bought his ticket...My FIL is coming again in May 2012 and BIL in July 2012 and we are buying both of those tickets. My brother and his wife just had their first baby in December and are thinking of making a trip over in October 2012.Here is where I need your opinions... I think it is fair to buy both of their tickets seeing as it will probably be the only trip over for them but my husband disagrees. I look at the fact that we will have purchased 4 tickets for his family and none so far for mine. My husband feels like he shouldn't have to pay for my brother's family, but rather just my brother. What do you all think.
A bit more info...my parents pay their own way each time they come over because they are financially able. The reason we offer to pay for his father, brother and my brother is because money is very tight for all of them and they probably wouldn't come at all if there wasn't any financial help. My husband's company pays for our flights home for visits so we figured we would put our travel money towards helping our families...So what do you all think??
Thanks for all the responses! In my husbands defense, when we originally gave the 1round trip ticket it was presented to my brother that we would pay 50% of their airfare. We were trying to not only help finacially but also motivate both brothers to make the trip knowing how hard finances were/are. My BIL jumped on the offer and came out 2 months later. My brother and his wife had some job issues and then found out they were pregnant. Come fall they are in a place where they think they can get the time off from work to make the trip and the baby will be about 10 months, so old enough but not yet too active for a 7 hour flight. My point of view was simply that my BIL will probably visit 3 times in our 3 year stay (especially if my husband continues to pay) whereas this will most likely be the only trip in our 3year stay for my brother and his family.
I think it's really stingy of him to not extend the same courtesy to his SIL as he did for his own family. Your SIL *is* family, she's married to your brother. I would be so insulted if my BIL didn't consider me family! Does he have something against her personally? I'm on your side with this one.
I think you knew the answer before you asked the question-it is only fair that your family be shown the same consideration as his.
I think that you should pay for your brother and his wife. They really only need two tickets, the baby can sit on their laps (they make flight vests for infants that hook onto the seatbelts). If he still gives you a hard time maybe your parents can help out as well (although I don't think that is fair).
Your SIL is now family as is the new baby. I don't see how he could argue that.
You should pay for both. How would he feel if his family just wanted to pay for him to go visit? Or your family just wanted to pay for you?
Based on the way you've explained it, the whole thing makes sense to me from your perspective rather than your husband's. That is, of course, assuming that you & your husband can actually afford to do this for your brother & his wife without putting a financial burden on yourselves.
Let me ask you this: does your husband have similar views on other aspects of life concerning your family vs. his? I mean, how do gifts at Christmas work? It sounds to me like he'd rather spend more money on his own family than yours, which, while I kind of get that, it's certainly not very nice.
Your husband needs to critically ask himself if his brother was married would you pay for him and his wife. It is easy to look at it as we only pay the one when it is only one but quite another if it was two.
Hopefully that will bring him around. If not point out you have two leaches, just kidding, on both sides of the family so it is still even.
time to stand up for yourself! It is only fair to pay for both sides of the family, if $$ is an issue for them.
#s don't lie....but sometimes humans do. What's the real reason why he doesn't want to pay? :)
Can I be your sister?? I LOVE London! We were going to come over in May or September but that has been pushed to next year. :(
I think paying for family is wonderful IF you can afford it. However, your husband's stand is a little odd. SILs are family. Doesn't his family consider you a member of the family? If he is going to be a bit stingy then I would say don't pay for ANYONE's ticket. This just makes for bad feelings all around.
I think its tacky that you would buy a ticket for the brother but not his wife. (sorry you asked) I would before buying anymore tickets for hubby's family first purchase a ticket for your brothers wife. not sure about flying with a baby for that long but that is just me. I would probably leave the baby with my mom and dad.
I think your hubby is being stingy.
What if his brother were married, would he not buy his sister in law a ticket?
Put your foot down and say you will be buying your brother's family their tickets. It's only fair.
I guess I am from a family mindset that once someone is married - they are family:) So I see my SIL as sisters, etc. I do know my husband doesn't feel quite the same way about my brothers or his sister's hubby, but if I were you - that is how I would approach it. There is no difference in her vs your brother.
And then add in the logical rationale of if you are really keeping score on this, how many times his side has used the gratis flights vs. yours.
I agree with your thinking.
I agree with you. You have paid for ( or will be) paying for 4 tickets for his family, you should pay for 2 for your family.. even if it is a sister in law... who by the way is family also.
Remind him to take the blinders off and look at the big picture here.
I think it is pretty rude to say hey brother, come visit, here's your ticket. If you want your wife and child to join you, you are going to have to come up with the funds (which we know you don't have). Hope to see you soon.
What generous family members you both are. I suppose I would sit down with your husband and have a no-nonsense conversation with him about specific reasons why he does not want to pay for your SIL's airline ticket, if he is willing to pay for every member of his family. To me, saying he is willing to pay for your Brother, but not your SIL shows that he doesn't consider her family. So in his mind, are in-laws not family? Would it be acceptable for his parents, or his brother to get him something for Christmas, but not you, because you are just an in-law and, therefore, not family according to that reasoning? Or, are they capable, like your parents, of paying for their own seats, so he might feel taken advantage of by people who can pay, but don't want to? OR, does he have a specific reason to not like your SIL?
OR, is there something else going on......are they willing and able to pay for their own tickets, but you feel like you do more for his family than yours and you are trying to make a point with this issue. (if that is the case, trust me, I am not judging you, but I would suggest you work through the actual problem rather than going tit-for-tat over sizes of gifts, which might be a symptom, not the actual problem)
If it really is about wanting to help your brother's family and if you really feel like you should pay for her as well, then perhaps make a list of everyone who has come out to see you, both your family and his, along with dates, and who has paid for the tickets and for what reason. Since you probably won't be there long enough for an additional visit from your brother and his family, and you have said you have not purchased any tickets for your family yet, perhaps make a deal with your husband. Tell him that since you have purchased 4 tickets as presents for his family, you feel that it is fair to have the option to purchase up to 4 tickets for your family as Christmas presents......be they in-laws or not, they will just receive their Christmas present early. That may take keeping things even to a drastic point, BUT sometimes it is the only way to make sense to people and keep hurt feelings from coming in to play. Don't feel bad about them receiving their presents early, my family does that kind of stuff all of the time, and it always works out great because everyone knows the rules...just make sure that you stick to it as their present and don't get them anything extra so they have something to "unwrap."
Sorry for the long response, but the issue of keeping things even between families is something I have run into, time and again for 12 years, and it is exhausting. Hopefully you can get it figured out much sooner than that in your own life! :-) Good luck!
Wow. Your hubby needs a reality check. If you've paid for your bil and fil twice, there is no reason (not any sane, defensible reason) that you should not pay for your brother, sil, and niece/nephew. That is, if you're financially capable of doing so.
Your husband has a very odd view of family.
It's pretty silly that he won't pay for the wife and with a new baby that is kind of prohibitive--even though my husband makes good money we are scrimping to put money in savings and reach our own financial goals. A plane ticket to london and being away from home with added expenses (vacation time, etc) not in the plan. I agree there's probably more to the story--does he not like your brother?
Would he feel good being excluded from something involving your family just because he isn't blood related? You are all a family, and I'm not saying you need to fly cousins Jethro and Jennie out...but in the long run, it's the right thing to do otherwise your brother might not pull away from his family and his job to take advantage of the ticket you already purchased.
I think it should be equitable. Since 4 tickets were bought for his side then 4 tickets could be for your side.
I think perhaps you could "think" of it like this. Allow some money to be in a separate account just for tickets. You can spend you dollars for who you want to, he can spend his dollars for who he wants to. That way no matter who gets the tickets you get to decide who gets the money spent on them.
That is super nice of both of you to pay for family to visit. Very very generous. I think you should pay for both of them, they are both family. Tell your husband so. Maybe he is sick of paying for everyone to visit? Talk it over with him. But go ahead and force the issue.
Egads, I'm with you! From your husband's point of view, how come your SIL and baby not worthy? I can tell you if it were me, I would be very, very offended if an invite/ticket were extended to my husband by family, but not to me and our child. What a terrible slight. In fact, that would probably torpedo my relationship w/ a family member who would be so rude. Sorry, I'm not mincing words on this one. I think you are totally right.
I agree with the poster who said it was odd that you gave your married brother O. ticket, knowing money is so tight that he probably couldn't afford to bring his wife & family (if he has kids). ???
I think you should buy for your brother's whole family, if you can afford to do so.
If you want to see your brother during this three year period, then pay fir his wife's ticket as well. Your logic seems fine to me, but your husband sounds like he's being petty. You might decide to approach your husband with an idea that you'll spend X amount per each of your sides of the family (an equal amount per side) to support their ability to visit you during this assignment. Which people specifically and how many times becomes less relevant to the discussion. Good luck!
men can have an odd view point at times,
Just wondering but is it possible that he is worried about you shelling out that alot of money all at once as opposed to some for Fil , some later on for Bil that sort of thing?? some times you have to ask the right questions to get them to explain what is going on in their heads.
IMO, Totally fair to buy 2 or 3 (counting the baby?) tickets for your family since you have bought 4 for his side?
I wonder why your husband doesn't see it this way? Strange?
First, I am so jealous you live in LONDON--that is my favorite city! I did my student teacher and last semester of college there. My flat was a few blocks from the British Museum. I have visited several times and love it more very time I go!
It comes down to money. If you can afford it and they can't--then you pay. If they can afford it--then they pay. We lived in Germany for a few years (military) and our families visited quite a bit. The only person who had trouble buying a ticket was my sister (in college at the time). We paid for her ticket.
Did your brother use the first ticket you bought him in Christmas 2010? It looks like you have only purchased single tickets for your BIL and FIL, so I can see where your husband would frown on purchasing extra tickets for your brother's family. I would meet your husband in the middle and let him know you will be giving your brother a dollar amount (needed to purchase at least one ticket) to use for the trip over. Your brother can then use the money to purchase one ticket or spread over the purchase of three tickets, and then brother can make up the difference. Hope all works out for both you and your husband.
When we visit my in-laws in CA, we buy our own tickets, but when we arrive they pay for everything. We stay with them, they entertain us, take us out to eat. We spend very little money while we are there, so pretty much the entire cost of the trip is just the airfare, unless we buy personal things like souvineers.
I'd be a bit leary of just sending them money for one ticket. It may turn out that they never end up coming and using that money for something different. I agree you have to buy both tickets or no tickets. If they can't afford 2 ticket, they probably can't afford one either.
You don't pay for one part of a married couple who have children together without paying for both. Your husband needs to get a reality check and be fair minded about this - maybe he secretly doesn't like your family?
I'd pay for them both - seems fair to me. It would be rude to only pay for his ticket.
Off your topic - but do you like England? Have you ever been to Cheltenham? My husband has a potential opportunity to work as an expat in Cheltenham for 2 yrs - we would be moving with our 3 kids and two dogs.
