Nothing Is Ever Good Enough for My 6 1/2 Year Old Daughter.

She has you hooked and can engage you. I recommend 1-2-3 magic. Works for my 4 yo and we've been using it since he was 2. Works best with me, because I'm most consistent with it. Look into it and give it a try.

My 3 cents: 1) you can have her divide whatever it is that you are giving and then tell her that her little brother will get to choose first which piece he wants; 2) watch an age appropriate video with her about children in third world countries who appreciate anything they receive; 3) tell her that going forward any complaints whatsoever will result in whatever she was given being taken away and then FOLLOW through with it. Good luck!

I was literally going to ask this question today. My daughter had a GREAT day with lots of fun stuff, but tonight didn't get exactly what she wanted (me to read her stories before her shower) and it was a litany of "I'm sad. I wanted stories..." It's like Sheesh already! Can't you just be grateful for everything you have!

Just like another poster said, part of it is outlook. My daughter is also an "Eyore." That's something that I am going to have to live with. But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't work on it.

I have started just walking away when she's having a fit, whereever we are. Also, I've started making her say one "nice thing" for every complaint, and that helps a lot. So if we're at the beach and I hear "but I'm so hungry/tired/etc" I say "I can't hear anything else you say until you say something nice" and then I ignore her until she does. Partially I think this helps her outlook, and partially I know she doesn't like to do it, so it serves as a complaint deterrent.

Continue to be as consistant as possible. Some kids are just tough in this way. Good luck.

Any time you child shows you disrespect you stop her immediately. Just put up your hand and say STOP!
Then tell her she needs to not use that tone.

Let her know if she does not like the candy you offer her, then no candy.. She can save money and purchase her own.

If she speaks poorly to you in front of others, you guide by her elbow and escort her to the car and leave.. EVERYTIME.
Nip this in the bud now. She should never feel comfortable speaking our treating you this way.

To me it sounds like your daughter isn't hearing "no" enough. A little bit of deprivation is good for kids. It makes them appreciate the things they have. We do well financially but my kids still don't get the latest and greatest. It's not because I hate them and want them to suffer. It's because I love them and want them to grow as people. I almost always say "maybe" first and if they ask again the answer automatically gets switched to "no". They know this. I do not get badgered, I do not get whined at period. They know that asking for something is really just them registering their request with me. I will get to their request when I have considered it fully and if the answer is "yes" it is so rare that they are truly grateful when it happens. They know that asking again or acting ungrateful is grounds for automatic suspension of the privelege in question. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

Put your foot down and get "mean". Your kids will respect you more for it.

You are MOM & that's all she needs to know. Your word, your actions take precedent over & above all of her wants, needs, desires. AND it doesn't take cruelty or neglect to be in charge.

By using firmness, tempered thru kind actions & words & stable tone of voice......you will model the behavior you expect from your daughter. Mouthing back to her, raising your voice, losing your cool, feeling shame/embarassment.....all mean that she's won & you've lost that round. Do not let her see you sweat!

Remember the old phrase, "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all"? That's what she needs to learn! As soon as her mouth opens in complaint, put your finger over your own mouth & look her directly in the eyes......& remind her of this rule. I use this method for my daycare, & if I can redirect toddlers with it, then it certainly will work for your daughter!

Take charge, be proactive, & make her respect you! Good Luck & Peace!

Kt,

I'll add my 3 cents, but part of my advice is to do your best to get over your embarrassment. If that's hard for you then you can look at another mom in a playgroup and just be honest, "sorry, that's just the way she is." But constant disapproval from Mom will eventually poison your relationship with your daughter.

Sometimes our kids have traits we don't really like, but it just may be who she is. We still love them and it is our journey to accept them for who they are. You are doing the best you can to show her the err in your view of her thinking.....but at some point I believe it's best to say......that's my little girl, and laugh it off.

From what you wrote I see you are a good mom. You don't indulge her. You've tried to tell her. You have even punished her. But.....Sometimes you can't change who a person is and you do more damage to them and your relationship if you don't just accept them as they are.

I suggest this. When you give her a piece of candy, and she says, "but thats all?" Instead of chastising her, just love her for who she is (not easy when the trait is annoying) and respond by saying, "that's all!" and smile. You could add, "I love you. Enjoy it!" if you could manage to sound sincere.

If she says, "my brother got a bigger piece!" Try not to feel that you have to convince her otherwise. Just smile again and say, "Maybe he did." If you try to reason with her that maybe he did, but next time she might be the one with a bigger piece you will give her room to argue. Just let it go. Don't argue and don't explain. If she says "but that's not fair!" Then you say, "yeah, it probably isn't fair." Just agree.

Good Luck!

I agree with the Moms who say you need to establish the chain of command. Based upon what you've written, I don't get the sense that there's the line in the sand of acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior.

From watching many of our friends and neighbors, I sense that many parents are more worried about their kids liking them than they are with being a parent. It sounds like she needs to have a little more authority.

We have friends who try to discipline and try not to bend, but at the end of the day, the threats hold no value, and the kids completely rule the roost. Their daughter is a similar age, has lots of problems at school, but they keep blaming other kids/teachers instead of looking at their child/parenting as the source.

Take a step back and look at how you and your husband deal with her in this situation. Do you cave to get her to stop whining? Do you send her to her room, let her throw a temper tantrum and learn it's not going to be effective? If what you're currently doing isn't working, change it. If she starts acting-up the same way again, change it again.

You can be a strong, loving, nurturing parent while also being a strong, unbending authority figure who truly wants to see her become a beautiful, independent woman. Mom first, friend second - sometimes, that's the hardest part.

Ditto Laurie A.

Despite personalities or what not... a kid, by this age... needs to learn and know... what is bad manners and what is good manners.
At this age, behavior like this is no longer 'cute' nor acceptable.
It is icky.

You have to draw the line. Don't give in or try to appease her or debate about it. Just state your stance then that's it.
Walk away. If she has a hissy fit, fine. A child, WILL deflate on their own, ya know. Once they know, that their tantrum will not get them anywhere.

I have actually told my daughter, when she is fussy... "Look, acting like that does NOT work. I was a kid once. You choose to act like that or not. You can act like a baby or not..... " then I walk away and I tell her "when you think about it and calm down... then Mommy will cooperate." I tell her point blank... acting up is icky, it is NOT nice and that she knows better.
My girl is pretty good for the most part... but when she tries a stunt like that... we IMMEDIATELY stop it... me or my Husband.

It is about attitude.
Sure a kid is a kid. But they need to learn... that acting like that is NOT appropriate.

Your daughter may also act like that because she has a younger sibling.. and feels there is a disparity in what she and he has. But nothing is ever EXACTLY exact. I have a son too, my daughter is the oldest. She sometimes feels like your daughter... BUT, we explain age development and teach my daughter about child development and how her younger brother is not like her and does not understand things like she does... thus, he is still not on par with her. But, because she is older... she can do other things he cannot or she can have things he cannot and she can understand things he cannot. So then she feels 'privileged' to be the oldest etc.
BUT we also talk with my daughter a lot.... and she loves that. We let her express herself and her feelings... good or bad and we let her ask us questions... no matter what, even if she feels something is unfair. THEN we talk about it... fairly. THIS helps my daughter a lot. It teaches a child about how to have a conversation, how to express yourself, how to figure out conflict, how to problem solve and how to decipher things....

With 2 kids of differing ages... nothing can always be EXACTLY the same or fair. But keep things age appropriate...

all the best,
Susan

Our son went through a whiny phase (around the same age). He whined about everything. My husband and I pointed it out to him every single time that he was whiney. We asked him to please use his regular voice every time, probably about a thousand times. Thankfully he got it after a few weeks of correcting him.
I would suggest that you point out to her that the behavior is not acceptable every time when she is complaining for no reason. You will feel like a broken record, repeating the same thing over and over, but I'm sure she will get it after a while.
Good luck!

I'd just keep doing what you're doing, if she complains cause the reward is too small then take it away regardless of how big a fit she throws...until she can learn to be thankful for what she's getting..that is a little old to be acting like that and she's old enough to learn the hard way

I have a 7 year old that can be the same way. I have found she does it the most when A) she is tired and B) when her expectations are not met. I try very hard to explain what we are going to do in advance. Like we are going to the park for 30 minutes and they get warnings that we are leaving in X amount of minutes and do that twice before we actually leave. When we go to the fair I explain we will ride rides but NO games. When we went to the Circus you get ONE special item. That has helped me alot. My 7 year old has 1 younger sister and 1 older brother and sister. She is always fealing that everyone else gets more or better. Which the older girl is like that too. Hope that helps

You need to calmly and firmly discipline these behaviors right away when they happen. Plain and simple. They got out of hand by being allowed.

Complaining. Whining. Hissy fits. Anything. Explain it's not allowed, be sure she understands what you are saying when you tell her what her VERY FIRM consequence will be the next time and follow through EVERY TIME when she does it.

Taking away the treat isn't enough. Give a firm consequence AND take away the treat AND make sure she earns the treat back by not doing the behavior for a set amount of time. I would remove her from play time immediately in public and discipline her as well. Never let it slide for either child.

Be very tough! If my daughter ever griped in a rude way about a story not being long enough or a gift not good enough-which believe me she would not do-I'd be like, "Oh really, because it's extremely rude to say that and here's your FIRM consequence for being rude and ALSO, you will have no more stories this week, no gift" etc.

I remember maybe one time in my childhood not reacting appropriately to something regarding receiving a gift or privilege and I remember all focus from both parents immediately being on MY behavior being wrong in that situation and not allowed no matter what I was griping about. Crystal clear firm message and easy to learn. We were never ungrateful kids. You can do it-good work getting on top of this, it's important. People would rather see you enforcing the manners than letting it slide, so don't feel bad interfering and removing your daughter for discipline in public.

Aah personalities! You sound like you're doing a good job. How about if the second she does it, she is assigned a punshiment that is additive. IT's the same principle as a "swearing jar" where an adult would deposit $0.25 for each bad word uttered from his/ her mouth. Of course, a child that age probably does not have access to that kind of cash, lol, so it would have to be something that she can control.

It works like a currency, you know? She has the chance to regain control through out the day, not just a one time loss. If it's you did x so you lose all of y, then there is nothing left to think about. If the situation is if you do x then you lose a part of y each time, she still has the chance to catch herself and ammend her decisions the next time. Does that make sense?

Good luck.

It sounds to me like your daughter is a "glass half empty" type of kid. My kids have gone there from time to time as well, and I have come to believe that having a positive attitude can be taught (or instilled).

Here's something I've done with my kids over and over, and it helps them to reframe their experiences in a positive way:

Let's say that we go to the county fair and have a fabulous day. At the end of the day we buy ice cream and just as we get to the car, the ice cream falls on the ground. Now my child's day is ruined! And for the rest of the evening all she can talk about is the lost ice cream. I sit her down and talk to her, holding out my two hands. Here's what I say: "You have a choice. You can live in this room (the right hand), where you got to go to the fair, ride on a lot of rides, including the roller coaster, spend time with your best friend, have cotton candy, and pet a baby cow. Or, you can live in this room (the left hand) where you went to the fair and spilled your ice cream. Which room do you want to live in?" If she tries to choose the spilled-ice-cream room, you can say, "Really? You'd rather remember the ice cream than your first ever ride on a grown-up roller coaster?" My kids always choose the happy room. I remind them that it's okay to be sad about the ice cream, but they don't need to let it ruin their whole day.

The other thing I used to do when my kids were younger was, at bedtime (could be dinnertime or any other time as well), I'd have them list their favorite thing (or 3 things) that happened that day. It helped them to spin their minds to the good things of the day, and helped them go to sleep with happy memories.

Good luck!

I am going to have to read your responses because this sounds EXACTLY like my 4 1/2 year old daughter and it's maddening. I also don't want to be writing this same post in 2 years! I hope you get some good tips. My daughter is a sweetheart for the most part, but seems pretty spoiled rotten lately and I'm not sure what to do about it either. I have basically stopped doing anything nice for her and we have implemented chores so that she can earn what she wants. We, by no means, spoil her, but we do live in an affluent neighborhood (comparatively speaking) and she sees what others have and the "keeping up with the Jones" attitude has started really early! She has WAY more than I did growing up, but it's hard to explain that to a kid. We're trying harder now to focus on her earning things rather than just giving her things. Luckily, she never pitches a fit about things, but her attitude and comments alone make my blood boil, so I am looking to do something to help her learn to be more grateful. Best of luck to you! I understand your frustration.

I'm editing this because of something someone else wrote that REALLY works well for us and that is that when she starts making all of her negative comments, I send her to her room for 5 minutes and then make her come up with 5 GOOD things that happened that day. This really helps her to change her perspective and recognize that she is having an "ugly heart" vs. a "grateful heart".

Whew, I'm glad I'm not the only one with a daughter like this :) I'm glad you asked the question....what's helped me over the last couple months is exactly what Sue suggested. "If you can't say anything nice about XYZ, please don't say anything at all." It hasn't fixed it, but it's certainly help a LOT. My DD has a tendency to be a little Eeyore, having her focus on the positive is helping. GL!

I recently read a book: "Eating, Sleeping and Getting Up" by Carolyn Crowder. It offers very clear and direct instructions on how to discipline your child in firm yet respectful way.

I learned a tremendous amount about myself and my parenting style in reading this book and learned a lot of positive techniques and methods for respectfully disciplining your child.

I will admit and forewarn that the method is a lot of hard work for the parent because in order for it to be effective we are told to be consistent which requires a lot of discipline from ourselves to follow through with the consequences.

I think the best way to approach your current dilemma is to be very consistent with following through with the consequences of her misbehavior. Note that the author strongly encourages natural consequences rather than fearful punishment.

If your daughter doesn't like something she's been served, you simply take it away or let her know she will not be served any alternatives. If she ends up being hungry, this is a natural consequence of not eating what was provided.

If she has a tantrum in a restaurant, you immediately leave. You don't have to lecture her, simply say "Since you cannot behave appropriately at the restaurant we will be leaving." You don't have to say anymore or engage in any sort of argument/lecture with the child. This is more effective and allows you to keep your cool. It's respectful, but firm and disciplinary.

I highly recommend the book for further examples on when and how to discipline your child.

Somehow Mom this is learned behavior in your daughter that you need to tame. You say that she knows right from wrong, but it sounds like if she doesnt get her way she behaves poorly. I would go the the library or bookstore and get he some books on being grateful for what she has and how you can help others. Find a place you and she can volunteer regularly to help those less fortunate than her, like a food bank or soup kitchen so she can see what hardships others face. I would also seriously consider putting her in martial arts pgm. for kids. Take her to a martial arts school near your house and watch youth class. I'd talk to the Master (Schools Head Teacher) privately when you are there about some of the issues you are seeing with your daughter that you want to correct. Karate or Taekwondo will teach her a sense many good values and discipline including personal responsibility, humility, perseverance, appropriate self confidence and many other things in addition to providing her with great exercise. Our daughter expressed interest in martial arts on her own at age 5 after seeing a pgm on kids in taekwondo at school and in TV. We went, she watched a class and loved it. 5 yrs later after many classes,she earned her black belt. Our daughter didn't have any real behavior issues that we were trying to address. as parents we just felt she would enjoy some type of youth sports to promote good health and provide exercise and it was great for her. When your daughter whine and complains you both need to be consistent and walk away from her and tell her "I cant understand it when you whine like that, come and get me when you are ready to stop complaining and use your nice voice. " Stick to your guns now Mom and Dad,. if you don't she will get more demanding and it will get even uglier.
Hope this helps.

Hi Kt,
You've gotten tons of answers so far and I echo nearly all the responses in terms of being firm, consistent, and positive. My daughter, almost 4, and also the oldest is also like this. It's misery to have a nice day together only to have that experience negated by a giant tantrum over no ice cream at the end of the day. So defeating.
I have tried to come up with some stock phrases I use that take the emotional charge out of the situation. For example, if she asks for ice cream when you don't want her to have any you can say, very neutrally, "I'm sorry. That's not on the menu." Or if she wants something (inappropriate shoes is my daughter's favorite) she can't have you can say "I'm sorry. That's not available." Or another fave, "I'm sorry. That's not an option." If you keep it very smooth and neutral you can often side-step the mother-daughter tension. You don't have to explain WHY she can't have xyz, and you don't have to instill guilt about what others don't have, just brush it off.
Good luck. The next time I fail to deflect the conflict and end up blowing my stack I'll think of you!
A.

Some of it may be personality and a "glass-half-empty" approach to the world, and some of the other suggestions will help with that. I would also suggest reading HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN, AND LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK, by Adele Faber (It's available at the Santa Clara County Library system, and lots of other libraries). It's about listening to and responding to the emotions behind the words. "That candy is so good that you'd really like another piece? How many pieces of candy would be enough for you?" That doesn't mean she gets the candy--it just means you acknowledge that she would really like more. The approach really helped with my kids. Good luck!

I had a child like that and what helped her and me was showing pictures of really poor people through internet,movies or on the streets.I kept on harping on how lucky she is and it took 1 year but has made a differnce.
Hope it helps

My daughter is the SAME way, and her closest brother is 22 months younger, and then one is 23 months younger than him. My kids are REALLY well behaved and grateful for the most part. However, we do have times where there are problems. I think my daughter is not heard enough. She feels like if she wants to say something and don't agree with her, it's the end of the world. She is very smart, but also gets frustrated easily. I try to explain things to her in what I refer to as kindergarten terms. This morning, she wanted to wear black capri pants and some black winter-type boots. My husband just said no and we immediately got the attitude. I told her it was too hot (high of 85 today) and they do not go with capri's anyways. It still took a little while, but she got over it and put on some shoes that match. So I try to listen to her. it has nothing to do with her not hearing no enough, or her being disrespectful...I think it has EVERYTHING to do with her growing up and feeling the need to be treated like it. Just correct her immediately. I do that with my daughter and if she continues with being smart, she goes to her room or has to at least stop what she is doing and start over. She dislikes starting over, so she normally gets it right on round 2 or 3. Good luck to both of us!

My older daughter (15.5 mos older than her sister) can be like this and my sister's oldest is as well. Some mothers have implied you're not strict enough and maybe that's true but I also think some kids are just tougher than others. By nature, my youngest doesn't do this type of stuff much. I think all the advice on being firm, strict, teaching about others less fortunate etc is good advice but one other thing is to remind yourself that some kids are harder their whole lives. My sister's oldest is now 12.5 and pushes buttons all the time but what my sister says is thankfully she was strict years ago or her daughter would be horrible now. So with my oldest, I'm kind of bracing myself for a long battle instead of expecting it all to pass or there to be a magic fix. I'm hoping that helps me keep patience or get less frustrated. ie: expectations are important for us mothers too! Some people are born w/ glass half empty personalities and saying that's a mother's fault is the same as giving a mother credit for having a musical prodigy. Just luck... I think strict discipline helps the behaviour while talking may help shift the way she looks at things. My mother was an extremely strict disciplinarian so I was always very well behaved, respectful etc but it did nothing for my general glass half empty personality.

My 8-year-old son has lots of tantrums(he does have Aspergers/ADHD). The school works with him on expressing anger appropriately with a page of choices such as counting to ten, and identifying when an issue is a "big fish" problem or a "little fish" problem. They can discuss the plan with him while he is calm so it sinks in better, and then when he's upset they can point to the list.
At home, it's worse when he's tired. I remind him that he may be upset about every little thing right now, but tomorrow when he has more energy things will be easier. I can ignore more of the behaviors at home, but when we're out in public I will remind him about manners like a broken record. It won't fix the immediate problem, but I hope eventually it will sink in, and by correcting him out loud I am letting any other kids and parents around know that I realize the behavior isn't appropriate.

My son does this and we are a family that models graciousness all. the. time. What I find helpful is to give a brief talk ahead of time about how to handle his response.

It can be something like "you are going to get x. Just say thanks. If you don't want it, put it aside." or "I'm thinking of doing X, will you be happy, or will you make a face because something isn't to your liking?" I may also add something to the fact that a person put effort into the gift/event and you need to be gracious about that. We don't always like what that gift is, but we thank the effort and good intention that went into it.

Sometimes I have him tell me what is he is / isn't going to do, other times I'll ask variations of the outcome and have him answer, like 'you're going to get x, will you snarl?" "will you say That's dumb!" "Okay, what can you say?"

I've found that over talking something isn't good either, but it's hard to know how much emphasis to put on the talk till it's sunk in. Also, I think this works much better than punishing or a lecture afterwards because I'm setting it up so that he acts the right way from the get-go. At least hopefully. :)

Glad to know I'm not alone.

I'm the same way as Dyreka. If he ask for it and I say maybe he knows not to ask again. If he does the answer is no. If I offer thats a different story. He knows that if he ask for more than one thing at the store he gets nothing and I have spent time walking back through the store and putting anything he may have in the cart back away, even left carts.
Patty had some interesting advice to. I like those responses!
I also see your issue and I think it's a stage. Put your foot down and be rather stern. They can compromise and negotiate at this age. My son does it a lot. Rationalizing with them helps to an extent actually. Educating him on why we don't have money to buy such a thing but why I have money to keep the electric on does work. It's just my son and I. We recently bought a house and moved out on our own so money is tighter than what it use to be and I have to use no more. He is feeling it but getting use to it.