Not Wanting to Be Around Best Friend Because Her Son Doesnt Behave.

When I have something to say and I just can't bring myself to do it, I write a letter.
Maybe you could try a carefully worded letter.
Another thing to try....
When I am around a parent who won't parent their child and that child offends me I parent the child (verbal only). Usually that triggers a response from the parent. It makes them realize hey, I need to do something here instead of just ignoring this behavior. If they don't do anything, then I just keep parenting the child.
Nothing annoys me more than to have another adult tell my child what to do when I am right there. It may be a wake up call for her if you try it.

Your feelings about him being around your kids are right. Don't allow it amymore. You can get together without the kids, you can end the friendship, or you can talk to her. If she's truly a friend, the talk will not destroy the friendship. If you're truly a friend, you will consider the risk. She and her son are fast on the way to becoming friendless. No one wants to be around that. Consider, for THEIR sakes, talking to her. She may get mad initially, but she'll either come around (and be helped by it), or it wasn't a very solid friendship to start with.

Many years ago I had almost the same problem. But it was a family member so, I could not just stop being around them. What I did was when we were around them and he would start being that way toward my little one I would say things like. If your going to act that way aunt B is not going to let jay play with you. But I would get down on his level eye to eye and talk with a very low, firm and loving voice so he knew aunt b loved him but he was going to act right around me and treat Jay nice.

When they would come to our home and he started acting up. I would tell him again in a low, firm and loving voice what the rules are at aunt b's house. When he acted up I would say I am sorry but you will have to go sit with your mother because Jay is going to go play either out side or in his room and because you chose to not follow aunt b's rules then you can not play with him.

The first time he acted up at my house and I told him the rules my sister was not happy with me. But then when the boys went off to play we talked and I explain that I love him but if he is not going to obey you (my sister) then he will obey me and follow our homes rules.

Now I said that had been along time ago. Both boys are in there 20's and my nephew and I have a very, very close relationship. I feel he knew I loved him and because I loved him I did not want him to grow up being a young man no one wanted to be around. And if I could do something in my home or around me to steer him in the correct way that is what I was going to do.

Since you say she is smart she is either in denial about her sons behaviors or at a loss of what to do about it and doesnt want to act upset while you are around;maybe she doesnt think she gives her son enough attention and thats why she doesnt discipline him when he acts like that.Is he in daycare?he has learned that poor behavior somewhere.If you can just you two without the kids need to spend time togther and if you dont want to tell her why then just tell her you need some girltime with her.You probably both could use some girl time anyways away from your kids.

Oh K., this is one of the worst situations to be in and I am telling you from firsthand experience. You risking losing a friend either from backing out of her life or by making her upset if you tell her how you feel. I had the identical thing happen to me a few years ago and I tried subtle things like sharing books and magazine articles with her about discipline or telling her about the new method I had found to keep my child in line when out in public but she read the articles and then never put into place any of the ideas. I also tried to emphasize good behavior with my child when we went places by telling her (in front of my firend and her child) that I would absoultely not put up with any of that type of behavior or we would go home. If my daughter would get out of line when we were somewhere I would give her a warning and the next time I would honestly pick her up and tell my friend that since she was not acting appropriately that we had to leave. It did not work! She would just make comments like "I wish I could stick to what I say like you do". When I finally got tired of her child hitting my child and being mean to her I had to just distance ourselves from them because it was too stressful. Maybe the right thing would be to honsetly talk to her but I was never brave enough to do that. Face it, as parents we are extremely protective of our children and if anyone says something negative about them (even if it is true and coming from a well intentioned friend) we automatically get upset and defensive. I eventually quit spending time with this friend and then once my daughter started going to preschool I would meet my friend and her child somewhere without my own child with us. That kept our friendship alive and I honestly was not as stressed when her child acted up in public since my child was not the object of her child's torture :-) and she was not a witness to his bad behavior. Believe it or not, after several years her son got a little bit better (guess he grew out of it) and we are now able to have some playdates that are tolerable. I still keep the visits short because long periods of play ends up in disaster. I am sorry I don't have any real advice to give you here but I will be checking back to see if anyone else has some good ideas! I would suggest keeping your friendship alive by phone calls and time out with your friend without your children (much easier said than done). Maybe she will start to see that you are pulling away and will ask you what the problem is and you can share, gently, some of your concerns with her. Good luck!

aauugggg!!! Unruley kids are SO hard to be around, especially when your kids are around. How do people not see this??

OK...not much advice, just here to say I fell your pain. I like the suggestion that someone said about having girl time. If she's a dear friend try to plan things you can do without the kids. If she asks why no kids maybe that would be a good time to bring up your concerns.

Good Luck

I know many people have many different opinion on this matter. So let me just tell you about my situation.

My best friend & I have a daughter & son that are only 2 months apart in age and both can be very bull headed. The two of us have become a united front with the kids. She babied her son way to much and I was a little to strict with my daughter. Together we even each other out with out letting the kids go overboard. We feel comfortable enough with each other that we can do this. If she is truly your best friend then you need to sit down & have a talk with her without the kids first. I know my best friend got a little upset with me when I told her how I felt about how her son would act at times. She realized though that I was only trying to save she & I arguements in the future. Now all the kids know that she & I will stick together to make them behave. I have two girls & she has 1 girl, 1 boy, 1 stepson & a cousin she has custody of.

My son 2 1/2 3 and even 4 yrs old would really embarrassed me with fit screaming behaviour. It got so bad I was losing time with friends. I did my best but many times my best were not good enough.

Your friend needs you and needs to be connected outside of child's world. Do the lunch, get together while children are in preschool, get baby sitters. But do not let your children be abused by a bully. This child and parent both need help. Try times without the children. Your friend needs to connect with aduylt friends and not be totally under control of child. M.

If his bad behavior isnt stopped it can escalate into real harmful actions. Think of the well being of your children physically mentally and emotionally. Dont think in terms of is this bad behavior going to rub off think of is this kid going to start punching mine in the face? If your friend is as smart as you think she knows this is unacceptable behavior and yet for some as yet unknown reason is chosing not to deal with it. Tell her start up i cant continue to be around you until your son has better control over himself and then maybe ask what is wrong?? You never know
counciling and parenting classes help alot. Suggest those.
Hope that helps.

If she is a true friend you should be able to tell her how you feel and move on to the next subject.. but she'll never know unless u tell her..

Unfortunately, the only thing to do is talk to your friend. Explain your fears to her and how your children feel. It might upset her but if she is truly your friend, she will listen. My sister and I had to do the same thing with our sister and her children. She really didn't like what we had to say but she listened and she made some changes to the way she disciplined her children. It all comes down to parenting styles. Would you want your friend to tell you if she had a problem with your children? You just have to be respectful of her feelings when talking to her about her child. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help her? If at all possible, talk to her one on one, without the children around. Try to arrange a girls day, or go for coffee or lunch, just the 2 of you. Then if there are fireworks or tears, the kids aren't around to see them. Hope this helps. Good Luck!

K. you will probably have to back off from your friend for a while. You are doomed if you do and doomed if you don't, right? You think she will become angry if you say something to her so in either case, it will strain the relationship.
One question: Does the boy ever come over to your house and stay without his mom? If so, is he good then? Does he mind you? I have used this strategy before just to try to figure out what makes a bad kid tick.
I have a close friend who has a son that is best friends with my son/ Around his parents he is sometimes horrible but at my house he is perfect. Also, his mother doesn't mind me saying something to him in front of her. Of course I keep it limited. Sometimes moms just get so overwhelmed with kids like this they just get numb and need another person to say something to the child.

Anyway, you might try a couple of those things but in the end, it may be that you take a break from this family until the boy has matured a bit. He WILL grow out of this unless his parents are totally screwed up themselves. (I would also suspect is diet is unsatisfactory).

Good luck and remember, it's OK to shift your circle of friends.

Hi K.,

I think honesty is always the best policy. Think about how you would want someone to talk to you about a situation like that and then approach your friend. Most 3-year-olds don't behave that way constantly. If that's what's happening, there could be something wrong and the first thing I would wonder about is his diet. What's he eating and/or drinking? Does he have a definite schedule where he gets enough rest. When kids feel good physically/emotionally, they usually are easy to get along with; however, the opposite is also true. As kids don't talk real well and often times can't tell you the part that hurts - they show they are hurting by the negative way they act.

Hope this helps.

K.,
I know exactly how you feel. My best friend has a 2 1/2 year old who is just the same way as your friends child. She came to visit me for a week and her son had no respect for anything in my else then he picks up my daughters toy and throws it and hit my daughter square in the forehead. I was so angry and she did nothing about it. Now I am a firm believer in discipline. The one thing I can suggest is to distance yourself for a while. And when he does something wrong tell your friend if she does nothing then you really need to reevaluate your friendship with her. Everyone tells me that everyone parents different but when you have a child that torments your child that is just wrong. I hope things work out.

Honestly K., I think it comes down to how important your friendship is. You said she would probably get mad, so is it worth starting a fight with her. Keep in mind that her son will mature. He may not behave any better, but he will not be 3 forever. Could you two start scheduling "girl time" and just leave the kids with a sitter? That way you get to keep your best friend and see less of the child. Maybe in a few months you could try another play date and see if he is behaving any better. If I was afraid of losing my friend I would try subtle hints, like, "Hey I just read this really good book on discipline and they said try this when your child doesn't want to share. Let's try it and see if it works!" Of course that means you have to read the really good discipline book first. Maybe some of the mamas could give you some suggestions. Good Luck.

invite her over to watch supernanny maybe? get a video camera, tape the children and play it back so she'll see how bad her child is. do you ever babysit for the child? or have the opportunity to talk to him and tell him he's not allowed to act that way when he's at your house? 3yr olds can be rough, especially those only child little boys (i have a grandson that age) and he does show out on occassions, but his mother doesn't think its ok and tries to stop bad behavior. The mom may not have a clue what to do herself and be given up, avoid going in public with them and if she asks why you might have to risk her getting mad and tell her the truth.

this is so hard to deal with first you need to tell your friend that you don't want her 3 year old picking on a 1 year old she has to understand that and when you talk to her do not sound like you are a better mom. there is no way that a screaming 3 year old is going unnoticed by her. she may need your help to learn some skills on what to do. My sister in laws 8 year old does the bossing taking over thing and is totally worse when mom is around. I would tell her the rules at your house are the same for every child that comes over. If she loves you as much as you love her she may get offended at first but she will see and get over it. good luck. most children will listen to moms friend before mom so see if you cant stop the crying when you see it. Right when he starts say hey ( what his name is) we don't cry to get it we ask mom nicely and if mom says no go play then we go play. she may need you to do that but be scared to ask. May god bless you and your friend

I personally wouldn't say anything. It can be tricky pointing out parenting choices to others. She has decided to be lack with discipline. Saying anything critical would only make her feel like a bad mom or feel like you are attacking her son. Just reverse the situation and think of how you would feel if she pointed out something she didn't agree with in your parenting style.

Having said that, you absolutely have the right to not have your children around anything or anyone who makes them feel bad or is a bad influence. I would just start making it inconvienant to have the kids play together. Hopefully she will get the hint and come to you to start the conversaton about the issue.

I am in the same boat with you. One of my really good friends has a 3 1/2 yr old little girl . I have a 3 yr old son. When we go out to dinner with them, they tell her no and she screams so loud and throws a fit. I am so embarrassed by the whole thing. We went to there house one night to watch a football game and the whole night was full of this. She took my sons car and I took it back. She went to the floor and her dad turn and went what happened. Like it was my fault. Then they went to put her to bed and she didn't want to get a pull-up on, well..... She screamed for about 10 min. No mom, no etc..... She was so loud. We wanted to leave. Then when her mom finally got her to bed, she came out sweating and breathing heavy. I have told you this to also say, we have not taken our son over there again. At church the other night, I had to follow them around. She was chasing him and push him and trying to kiss him.(she is a large 3 1/2) yr old. I love my friend, but my sons behavor is more important to me. I try to schedule things when her daughter is in preschool. Breakfast etc...... Now, my son is not perfect, he has an attitude sometimes. However it's not fits or screaming. And he minds. Good luck , and if you do not mind, I am going to read your other blogs. I need this help too.

This very thing is happening to me right now and to be honest, it's likely I won't be allowing my children to play with hers again. At least at either of our homes. Other moms in our group are having as bad a problem with this woman's oldest two that they will only allow play groups at a park. So far the oldest has choked and tossed a cat, chased our chickens, written sexual pictures and things about me and our daughter, says bad words and so forth. His mother claims to be a Christian and although I tend to believe her, what I see as evidenced by her son, tells me a very different story! As a mom I can't be too careful who my children associate with and though it pains me to not have any close friends now, my children are worth the sacrifice!

If she is your best friend you should be able to tell her how you feel. If she gets mad, let her get mad. Maybe it will help her understand that you are trying to help her and that you are concerned. You should be able to be up front with her about it. You can even tell her that you don't want to make her mad and you aren't trying to hurt her feelings but you are not happy with the way her son treats your kids and acts towards her. Hope things work out for you. Good luck!!!

You will definitely offend her if you talk to her about it. You say she's smart, well then she knows how they act and can see the difference in your children and hers. It is just that some parents don't want to discipline their kids and use the excuse "they're just being kids." UGH! I have had to limit my time with a friend because of the same reason for the past few years. Their son is now 6 and it's getting a lot better. I will occasionally talk to him privately and tell him if he doesn't play nice with our child (or children), I will take them home or he has to leave. He believes me and looks at me very strange because I am being a bit stern. It works though and he minds me - if he doesn't I will NOT have my children with him no matter how much I love her. Hope that they grow up soon and a teacher might help them with behaving since the parents aren't. They'll regret it later but you can't do anything about it.

Try talking to your best friend and then try calling Super Nanny. Believe me when I say she works wonders

It is not your job to tell her how to raise her children. I know that sucks and it is not advice, so here is what I think...
Maybe your friendship is savable, just dont get together unless you have sitters, mommies still need girl time. shopping, lunch, movies etc.

Your children are your responsibility. Yours alone. You have to protect them from a lot of things as they grow---including bad behaviour. That is what is most important. You'll have to find an excuse for being already occupied to avoid them. Otherwise your friendship is in jeopardy anyway. Have you opened the conversation with your friend about her child;s behaviour? IF she is your best friend the conversation should not be too difficult. You may want to branch out to other associations with others, and perhaps that may fill the void. Also, is there a problem with you tell her son when he is doing something wrong in a nice way? Tough situation to be in. Wish you the best.

If she is a good friend, she will eventually see that you are just trying to help.

Try not to be accusatory and don't make any ultimatums like "it's him or me" but also be open to the fact that friendships sometimes end or move apart, even if just for a bit.

Don't feel guilty about distancing yourself. You shouldn't have to put you OR your children in those situations. Maybe start by saying something like "my kids don't like it when this happens" or "your son makes my kids uncomfortable because..."

Maybe she feels out of control and is looking for some good advice? Does her child have a schedule at home? Is he getting enough sleep? Consuming too much sugar?

I really hope this situation comes to an end that you are happy with.

M.
www.enidmg.com

P.S. check out http://www.emofree.com/articles.aspx?id=9 for more information on dealing with children's behavioral issues.

I am currently going through the same thing. When my best friend and I met two years ago, we were renting homes right next door to each other. She was living with her fiance' and has a little girl who just turned 8. She and her fiance' split up last fall, and she has no family close by. Her daughter is very spoiled, and my best friend will admit it. She says, "That's what children are for". I cringe. I don't like the way the daughter talks to her mother or the way she throws fits to get what she wants (unfortunately it works). When she would come spend time at my house, she would turn off my son's video game if she was losing, or turn off his music and put in a CD of hers that he doesn't like (without asking).
My best friend and I like to walk, but her daughter makes it very difficult. We will get to the track and she will say she's tired and begin crying, or she's cold, hungry...you get the picture. I have suggested with success walking during my lunch hour since I am close to the track, and she goes to work at 3 p.m. When it is impossible to do that and her daughter must come with us, we have begun walking in the park where she can play.
The problems with her fiance began when he got frustrated that her daughter was disrespectful and wouldn't mind him when he was left alone with him. Eventually, he refused be be left alone with her. I'm really at a loss, too. I get her daughter off of the bus and her daughter sometimes stays nights with me over the weekend while her mother works.
The advice that you have gotten, which I have tried, is to schedule time without the children. Only, I don't say it needs to be without the kids. I just ask to do something when I know her daughter isn't around. We like to eat lunch together while our kids are in school, etc. I am going to keep trying to do that and hope that time will change her daughter or open my best friends eyes...

I do not have an answer or solution to this. (I feel like I am saying that a lot on here lately). But I do know what you are going through. We are in the same boat- only it's not my best friend, it's my boyfriend's sister. That, I think, is even worse. My 2 year old is so happy to be on the way over there but once he sees her house he gets hysterical. I feel as if something bad has gone on there and he just cannot or does not tell me. She has 2 girls- 4 and almost 2- and they are "bad". She stays home with them all day so I do not understand but they have no home-training at all. All the mom does is yell at the kids all day, esp the 4 year old to clean her room. My 2 year old will clean his room without my yelling at him... partly because I have taken the time to go and HELP him and SHOW him what to do. Maybe the mom is overstressed or something and does not take the proper time out with her kid?! That is how our situation is. And I hate it because I truly do not want to be around her. Good luck!!

Hi K.,

There's no need to jeopardize your good relationship. I think others said it very well here. Since she is a good friend, it should be easy for you to be honest; open up to her almost as a sister even. Tell her exactly what you say here. In a 'gingerly' fashion, explain the situation 'briefly' and why the kids can't be together. Period. Nice and simple. No long homilies.

How can you visit if a child is constantly distracting everyone to the point you can't even make conversaiton. Suggest time that you two can share together for now. I sincerely hope, and somehow think that your friend will understand and respond positively. If she doesn't, then you will have to forefeit this one in favor of your children's well being. I wouldn't stand for it either. Wish her a good life and move on.

That's just how it is. Let us know and good luck.

People come into our lives for many reasons. They also leave our lives for just as many reasons.
In this instance, you are simply discovering a different facet of your friend and that is not something you find comfortable with your thoughts and standards of life. That's ok.
What's not ok is submiting yourself and your children to this because of the past relationship you shared with this person. Your lives have changed, you both walk to the beat of different drummers. Inevitabley, you will have to step away from the friendship, so you might as well TRY to make some headway here in hopes she may actually take what you say as loving concern/comments and not hurtful criticism. Choose you words carefully, it is not necessary to be too specific. Keep it simple and brief conveying your concern and then let her respond. If she goes off the deep end, simply apologize for bringing it up and then know you'll have to disengage yourself from that relationship except for perhaps a girls night out once in a while without children where you can resume old common ground and no issues about child behavior. But do follow your instincts about what is good for your children to be around.
A good rule of thumb in life is never to lower your morals or standards, never step back in your growth as a person never stoop to dirty deeds and never tolerate what makes you uncomfortable for the sake of someone else. Basically, as you continue to grow in life and raise the bar for yourself and your family, so too should the people who share your life and your love. If this doesn't happen, you compassionately learn to love at a bit of a distance.
Life is not easy and neither are some of the choices we must make to live and grow in a positive direction. Be blessed and be happy. JF