Not Sure How to Approach This

Your factory - you have 100% control of whether to close it.

What would it take to get me to understand - plain, straightforward sentences. No hints. No assuming that I understand what you're thinking.

I'd have that talk tonight - before you give this guy (no matter how wonderful) another 4 years of your life only to finally break up over this.

I've heard lots of women complain "i gave him the best years of my life" or generally regret that they wasted their youthful looks or youthful energy or someone.

I'm certainly not advocating a concrete decision by either of you tonight, but sooner rather than later. Somebody has to compromise (true compromise) or one/both of you will regret being forced to live with the other persons answer.

It's odd that you are both so determined to pick a date and stick with it. You're choosing when your son is turning 7 and he's choosing 4 yrs. Both random. The fact that you both need to set a date in stone, and that you both seem unwilling to try to find a compromise in the middle is not a good sign. If you're asking for people's advice: I recommend you do not have children together.

I know everyone is talking about this being a deal breaker for you - but is having a child a deal breaker for him? I think that is what you both need to figure out. Forget the timeline for a minute. If he truly wants to have a child, and you do not - you may need to let him move on.

Because this relationship is important to you - I would delve into it further with him. Find out what the 4 year time table means to him - can he articulate his reasoning, or is it just a number picked out of the air. Re-iterate your position on having another baby - be very clear and very specific.

Ultimately, if this is a deal breaker, on either side, you both need to do some serious talking.

Good Luck.

You do need to remind him that you are not planning on having another child after you are xyz yrs old and this will not change. Please remind him that by putting it off for another 4yrs you will not be in a place to become pregnant again. Figure out if this does work for both of you, if not then something needs to change and I think there are a few solutions (adoption/foster come to mind) but you need to make sure you both WANT this and still have simmilar goals in mind.

What Dadonpurpose said.

I wouldn't be surprised if subconsciously he doesn't really want children, but wants to leave the option open in his own mind (what's magical about 4 years? That is a long way off.). It sounds like you have been fairly clear.

I would go out to dinner, or somewhere alone, and tell him "hey, I don't want to belabor this point, but here are my thoughts about any more children . . . " I *would* go out of my way to tell him what you have told us here (one more time). And then let it go. You have been more than fair to him at that point imho. He will either decide to stay or go. That's his choice to make. But the choice is on him.

I would never say "never" for the future, but you do seem quite certain. And I think it's right to reiterate that to him.

Good luck.

I would not be concerned about "going back on what I said to him." It is perfectly understandable and totally adult to be able to Change. Your. Mind. And you haven't really had to change it -- you have known all along that you do not want children. He does. It's a deal-breaker, frankly. Is it worth having him in your life if it requires you also to have his baby? That's bringing a new human into the world in order to have a relationship. It sounds like he does not get that if he insists on a baby, you will walk. You WILL walk, won't you? And be sure he does not listen to you, say, "OK" and then go on silently assuming that he will change your mind later. That will end up with a nasty conclusion to your relationship -- either he will guilt you into having an unwanted child, or he will walk out on you after you've established a home together. Either way, you lose. If it's non-negotiable, time to set each other loose.

Sorry, but he didn't keep his word, so you shouldn't worry about keeping yours. He IS only thinking of himself, but that's what hard times on one's psyche does to people.

The other possibility is that he actually doesn't want to have anymore kids but doesn't want to say that, and even though you've said you don't want to have a baby at 40, he either doesn't believe you or doesn't have the courage to flat out say "no more kids".

So you need to just come right out and say that you won't be doing this 4 years from now. You are okay with not having another baby, but you simply aren't having children at 40. I understand exactly how you feel - I wouldn't have done it either. It's really hard and as the one giving birth and the primary caregiver, it mostly falls on you.

Don't let him take you for a ride here. He may not be meaning to do it, but it doesn't matter. He's doing it anyway and you just gotta come clean and have your say. That way he can't say you didn't tell him.

Dawn

I;d J. be honest and tell him your fine with not having more kids but need to know thats ok with him, and if it isnt its now or never . Also you're patient, are you sure he's not putting off getting married as well?

Hi, Keisha:

Sounds to me like having a baby is about control vs loving your mate.
Number 1: Are you married to the guy? If not, then having a baby is not an option.
We have public and private duties:
The duty not to contrive through a covetous heart to despoil another.
The duty to honorably perform contracts and covenants both with our Creator and man.
The duty to be temperate.
The duty not to trespass on the property or privacy of another.
The duty to maintain the integrity of the family structure.
The duty not to promote or participate in the vices which destroy personal and community life.
The duty to support personal and public standards of common deceny
The duty to follow rules of moral rectitude.

We have unalienable rights, and we also have duties and responsibilites to insure these rights.
Good luck.
Hope this helps.
D.

I would wait a bit and when you have some alone time in a month or so, tell him that you need to have a conversation. Ask him to hear you out completely and at least understand what you are saying even if he doesn't like or agree with it. Remind him that you had this talk upfront and from recent conversations, you realize his feelings regarding another child timeline has changed and explain that yours have not. Explain that you are open, to but do not necessarily want to have, another child. Your feelings on your timeline have not changed so IF you are to have another biological child you want to be pregnant within the next year (give him some flexibility 12-18 months maybe rather than a drop dead date). Stress that you are not pressuring him to have another but want to make sure he understands that you are not willing to wait more than say 18 months but definately not 4 years.

One thought comes to mind...would you be willing in 4 years to consider adoption if he was ready for a baby but your window of opportunity had changed? What about foster parenting? If so, tell him that after 18 months (as an example), your only option(s) would be foster parenting or adoption.

BTW...my kids are 15 years apart. My son turned 15 just before my daughter was born. Although they have nothing really in common and she enjoys him more than he enjoys her, I have no doubt he loves her and can/will be very protective of her. They are so cute together...she calls him "baby boy" and "My Michael". They are now 20 & 5.

I think I would sit down and talk with him. Talk about how long it took you to get pregnant last time. How hard it was, all the trials. He needs to understand getting pregnant might not even be possible in 4 years.

Not to be mean or anything but what if you started early menopause. I did in my early 40's. Some women do.

He could be in a worse financial place in 4 years, then what if it took another 3 years to get pregnant.

He needs to be heard, listened to. Perhaps it's time to decide if the two of you are even going to try for a child.

It would be now for me. I would think it was fast approaching a time when it would no longer be an option. He may just not realize the timeline.

It's time to decide. Start trying soon or give up the idea. Waiting 4 years then possibly 3 or 4 years of trying, that's 14 years between kids.

My brother was 15 and my sister was 11 when I was born. It was totally different. They were like my parents and my parents like grandparents. It was awkward at school and even at my first wedding. Everyone wanted to know why my dad was a groomsman and my grandfather gave me away....it was my dad who gave me away.

I do have friends who have multiple children and they have children younger than their own children's children. For example my friend who has 8 children had a son a couple of years ago. Her oldest daughter was already married and starting her own family. So she has a little brother younger than her kids.

Another friend joined a church that taught families were very important. They had older teen sons but decided to start another family and had 2 more. They say it kept them young.

It can be done. My friend who is an author was nearly 50 when she started her second family. They are so very happy and she would not do anything different.