Not Sure How to Approach Him

Updated on February 17, 2010
E.M. asks from McKinney, TX
3 answers

My stepson moved in a few months ago. His most recent "reality check" made him realize it would be better to move in with us. His mother left him with his grandparents to live with her boyfriend. He would contact us and tell us he needed money for food, clothes, gas and we'd also take him the doctor when he was sick. My husband would talk with her and she'd respond by saying their son is lying and that he wants to live with his grandmother, etc. All in all, we are glad he's with us now.
My stepson was pretty happy the first few weeks. He told me he feels he "has a home now." I asked him why and he admitted that he was spending a few nights at his friend's or cousin's house, then he'd come to us during our weekends. We were stunned to find this out and again my husband called his mother and the same story.
Well, while living here he would visit her on her weekends. But there are two dilemmas: She still collects child support (in TX if the child moves from the custodial parent then the custodial parent is entitled to 6 months of child support) doesn't pay us a dime (which we don't want her child support), and still has the audacity to ask him to pay for their outings from the allowance we place in his bank account. She would also give him around $200 (happened twice) and tell him to spend it on new clothes. What irritates me is he wouldn't tell us and will come home with all these clothes and shoes, after we took him shopping. He would also run errands for her and her mother almost every week. We never expected this from him when he lived with his grandparents. This happens at least every other day.
Now that her 6 months are almost over she is causing a lot of drama. She is basically begging him to come back and that she'll buy a new house and that she needs him. He's been stressed over this and of course we're all stressed over seeing him this way. We wanted to make this a smooth transition for him so we didn't approach him about any of this. Now we feel as if we'd been taken advantage of. It has caused stressed on our children as well. My husband has tried to call her and she wouldn't answer nor return his calls. My stepson is keeping to himself during this ordeal. The last time we approached him, he said many negative things about her, then he'd visit her and everything was fine. Now she has her family trying to convince him as well. We are willing to let him go if that is what he wants, but we don't want this to happen again.
I honestly don't think he wants to leave, but he doesn't want to stand up against his mother. I don't blame him either. I am just upset that she is doing this to him.
Of course there is so much to the story......any advice?

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

I sincerely appreciate your comments. My husband finally got a hold of my stepson's mother and spoke with her about the situation. Bottom line he told her he wants what's best for their son. The original call ended bad, but she called back a few hours later apologizing and stated she agreed. Following that conversation, my stepson and husband talked everything over. He explained why it's important to handle his money responsibly and also elaborated on the situations he is in and how it effects us all. My stepson agreed and was open to everything. He also spoke with his mom and after they argued, she apologized. I think she was avoiding this, but I am very proud of them for approaching her the right way. As for me, I just support what I can. Nonetheless, this has lifted a huge weight off our shoulders. Our two other children were concerned as well. Things seem better now and we are glad to know his mother is supporting us as well.
Again ladies, thank you. Cheers.

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.N.

answers from Dallas on

The high road, the high road, the high road. Stay on it till your nose bleeds. He is fighting a battle in himself that he probably won't have the strength to win until he is much older. Shy of court action, there isn't much you can do. And if that is an option you are considering, my advice is to document, document, document. EVERYTHING. Every conversation, every unreturned phone call, every missed appointment, everything.

Find a stepmom's group, there are many (you will have to find the one that works for you). This affects you, but it's really for your DH and the ex to resolve.

Then start practicing natural consequences. You don't say how old he is. If he spends all his allowance, well, sorry kid, no more money till the next deposit. HE learns how to mind HIS money. The ex probably assumes you will replace the money he spends on her, so it may not be presented that way to him. Have your DH explain that it's a set amount of money. No replacements, whatever the son chooses to spend it on, that's it. Parenting With Love & Logic is a great resource for natural consequences. There are several age appropriate versions.

And then take care of yourself. It's not easy being a step-parent. There are so many sinkholes that you could unknowingly step into. Learn to detach. It's your house, unfortunately, you don't always get to call the shots when you're a step-parent. Deep breaths, the high road and taking care of yourself.

1 mom found this helpful

R.B.

answers from Dallas on

I'm definitely not an expert, but I know that it is only natural for children (even when treated badly) to always want to love and please their parents.
He is being put in a VERY difficult situation. Anything you can do to show empathy and compassion (seeing the situation from his perspective) will probably be the best thing you can do for him.
To you (and the world), it is a no-brainer. He needs to stay with you and your family. But, it IS his mother, and that bond is so strong. It is made that way for a reason, but it is most unfortunate when a mother is not healthy and takes advantage of that bond for "evil".
Just my two cents,
R.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.D.

answers from Dallas on

Hi,

I know that you resolved your situtation but I am late in reading email these days. I just wanted to ask you about a statement you made about 6 months and contining to have to pay child support. I am not sure where you heard that but it is incorrect.

I am a family law attorney in the DFW metroplex. If the stepson came to live with you, you can modify the order after he comes and stop any child support going to her. You will have to modify the order if he stays there anyway because it will not stop until it is modified.

In case I misunderstood, I apoligize. Just wanted to ask.

Thanks

J. Duke

1 mom found this helpful
For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions