Not a Good Enough Wife

You are good enough, probably even better. Go to counseling even if he won't go. Then go from there. Never ever let anyone tell you you are not good enough

S.,

I know you have some good advice here, so I will try not to repeat much. But I will tell you this, my husband had 2 strokes and had to quit work because of it. There is nothing that makes a man feel more worthless then not being able to provide for his family! Your husband has some issues there I am sure since he has had to take a second job. And let's face it when we are upset, depressed, etc we lash out at the person closest to us!! In this situation this is you! Take time to spend time together - go to the park, go for a drive, it doesn't have to be going out for a nice dinner, just spend time together! Let him know that you are there to listen and talk things out. Things will get better if you work together on them, otherwise if you chose not to work together on the relationship, it will deteriorate. The choice is yours and your husbands, you both have to figure out what you want. And it sounds like you want your family, just find ways to communicate!

Hang in there!
L.

Some really long answers... This is an easy one. Your husband is feeling insecure and inadequate because of his job situation, so he's attempting to pull you down with him. Unfortunately, if he succeeds, he'll also succeed in destroying your family. When men have too much time on their hands, they want sex more often, and tend to become more self-absorbed, unless they can find something to fill their time--and taking care of children and cleaning the house is not the kind of time-filler they're looking for. The solution to this problem is not something you can find alone. He must be involved, too. The others have given you some good suggestions.

Ok, the first thing I want to say is don't read into everything and/or catastrophize. If you're both committed to your marriage, or have been at some point, then you are just experiencing a marital"low" and take this as a chance to start heading back up. We as women are complex-we read into stuff, we think too much, we have residual stress and are complex. Men, on the other hand are fairly simple. Usually when someone says"you are not a good enough spouse", it translates into, either you are not doing enough/as much as I, or "I feel unappreciated". You sound like you are working your tail off, so, having been through this at times with my husband, I'll tell you what has worked for us. The first thing you have to do is open up to some non-hostile communication, this is the 1st step. Call a truce. Even if you have gripes about him, forget them for a minute to get your marriage on track-being the woman and wife sometimes means being the bigger person. Say you're sorry. If you can't find the time in the day, or if you're beyond a face to face b/c it may end in a fight-try a letter, or an e-mail. Pour your heart out to your husband. Tell him that you love him and that you appreciate the hard work he does, sacrifices that he makes, etc. Then, follow up by gaining inspiration from the romantic/courtship period of your relationship(remember that? It seems like forever ago?!) If you want it to work and get better, then it is going to take more work(oh no!) from you right now, as difficult as that seems. If you forego getting dressed up, wearing make-up, as most of us do, take some time to get cleaned up,pretend his coming home is a "date". This will also help you remember those sometimes forgotten redeeming qualities that you know made him fall for you in the first place. It is the little things that can make or break a marriage, so instead of going all out for a night, do little niceties consistantly-give him a genuine ego-stroking, cook HIS favorite things now and then, let HIM have the biggest piece of chicken or whatever, just as long as you let him know that you are thankful for the man that he is,and what he does for you guys. As far as "needs", and I'm trying not to jump to conclusions or be crass here, but if it's sexual in nature, then you gotta put forth the extra effort here, too.(who still thinks being the SAHM is easy now?)If the dressing up doesn't help set the mood, or if you're just too tired or unaroused for the whole shebang, I know some women absolutely refuse to, but if you aren't one of them, then I can tell you, there is nothing like doing the "wifely duty" that will make a man stop whining!So, get the communication going, make him feel special and manly and all, and follow through with maintenance, it will get better. I know it's exhausting, and it does seem unfair at times to be the wife, and I know marriage never turns out being the dream we all had all the time, it's a lot of work and compromise, but it will work out.

Let the dishes go and put the vacuum away, let your husband know you love him. I have been there myself, feeling overwhelmed with all motherhood offers, and not having time to myself, and no time for my husband either. But you have got to find time for him, give up something else that doesn't matter for the time being, he is a living breathing person and he needs your love too. He is probably feeling the way you are too, he's out working all day, coming home and not getting attention so that makes him frustrated. I'll bet if you give him some attention the 'you are not a good wife' will go away. Men just need a little loving and attention to know that they are appreciated and wanted and needed.

The Love Dare is a great book and very challenging. You have to commit to applying yourself to doing it no matter how you feel. I also highly recommend The 5 love languages. My husband and I went through counseling not too long ago and were encouraged to read it. I did (he still has not) and it has helped tremendously. I was able to identify my primary love language and also see what his was. We tend to love others the way we want to be loved. My husband believe he loves me best by doing things for me, however I am really loved best by his showing affection and speaking loving words to me. His love language is acts of service (thus why he loves me by doing things!) and touch. When I make an effort to DO something for him, even something as small as fixing his lunch, he feels more loved and loves more in return. Touch is something he does not do, but he responds to, So when he walks by me I lightly touch his arm, when he sits next to me I touch his leg, scratch his back, etc. He has drastically changed even though he has not read the book. He responds to better and loves me better because I have learned how to love him. It was hard at first, but so very worth it!

Hang in there! I know it is hard!

K.

Good Morning S., I am so sorry you are going through rough times. I think the stress men feel when hard times hit us is what causes alot of the problems. They feel as if they can't take care of their families and unfortunately they seem to take it out on those they really love and care about!
It's not the end, not by a long shot! A good counselor can help you get to the core of the problem. They will also tell you by not talking about something when your angry or upset is a good thing to do. Walk away but let them know you will be willing to talk about it when there is not so much tension and emotions involved.

Marriage of any length of time takes work for each of you to make it better. Sometimes I wonder why we need to stroke ego's when men sometimes do what we do on a daily basis. Then I realized they are wanting to help and not be taken for granted. So If my hubby does the laundry on Sat. I thank him that I didn't have to. If he unloads the dishwasher one night I say thank you that helped me out.
It's something that wasn't on his job description.

I never did it much in the first 20 yrs of our marriage, I thought he was showing me how lacking I was, that I couldn't get it all done in a day. Then he told me NO that wasn't it, he wanted to help as it helped him unwind from what he had to do all day. I also thought Why should I give him Kuddo's? I never got them....LOL
That doesn't bother me anymore, nor do I ask If I look ok...lol I refuse to Fish for Compliments. They don't mean as much if you have to ask for them. :))

S., If you and your hubby attend Church together pray together also. It's really hard most of the time to fight or argue with your prayer partner. Start you day with Prayer, thanking the Lord for your family, your home and All circumstances you may find yourselves in. Trials can make us stronger and more willing to Push through them.
P+ Pray U+ Until S+ something H+ Happens.
It's hard to be joyful in all things that come at us. That is what the Lord commands of us though.

"...I am exceedingly joyful in all our tribulation." 2 Corinthians 7:4.

God Bless you & your family S.
I will be praying for you all

K. Nana of 5

Have you ever watched 'Fire Proof'? It is a very good Christian movie about a couple on the verge of divorce & how they resolve their issues. Now I do not think you are heading for divorce, but there is a book the husband in the movie reads (he doesn't show it to his wife, he reads it in private & does everything in the book no matter how hard it is). The book actually exists & it is called 'The LOVE Dare'. I have never read it, but I imagine that it may be helpful.
And of course: Pray, pray, pray!

God bless!

Wow, that sounds very similar to my life! I think we all go through these things. I am also a SAHM of 3 kids and feel there is not enough time in the day!! Having that many people depending on you is extremely draining and a lot of days I just don't feel like I have that extra attention my husband wants. Definitely tell him this! I would even make sure and leave him with the kids sometime if you haven't.. because it really helps my hubby to understand how hard it is. Communication is probably the number 1 problem. I always try to remember that the kids will be gone one day and it will be just me and my husband again. He really should be before the kids, it just doesn't work out that way often. I like the book The Five Love Languages if you can find a chance to read. I would find a time when you both can sit down and talk (not fight) about everything. In the meantime just try to make a little extra effort. Usually when one spouse does something nice the other will instinctively reciprocate. Good luck with everything and hang in there, it will be worth it :]

i agree with everything brooke said, although i could not say it with such grace because i don't believe it's right or fair at ALL. but my husband and i have been together 8 years now, and i am finding the exact same thing. men are selfish creatures and by nature do about 20% of what we women do, if we're lucky! he probably loves you "in his way" but that will probably NEVER amount to doing for you as much as you already do for him. which translates into US feeling unloved and unappreciated because we feel that we should be loved in the manner "WE" love in, and men don't work the same way we do. and unfortunately doing more is probably what you'll have to do. think about how he shows his love to you, (ask him, he'll tell you), and then realize, that's how HE wants to be loved. communicate, tell him how much you love him and hey, even ask him, what do you want me to do. see what he says, the answer may surprise you. but make sure that you're BOTH in this and willing to work...it really sounds to me like he's the one that needs to step up a bit. you have to give love to get love! problem is most of the time we're all trying to give love, the other person just doesn't recognize it cuz that's not how we would do it. good luck honey...we ALL go through these periods, trust me! just (hopefully) coming out of one myself. it'll be okay. hang in there.

Sounds like with lay off and other things going on with work and schedule maybe things changed as far as your routine. Maybe I'm not right on that but I know when the husband is home the day changes. Not meaning it has to be bad but it just is a different routine. Whatever the schedule is you need to do what needs done for your children and your other work at home but maybe you need to make him feel like he's still important in your life and not second to the kids as I think men feel like failures sometimes when they lose a job or have to work two and that's how they get their feeling of importance. Maybe that's not the case for you but in case it is maybe you need to find a time after your busy day, and I know it is, and spend time with just your husband and you. Make that part of your routine and just be together with rules for no arguing or talk of kids or other events of the day that would be an issue. Somehow you need to make him feel he is number ONE and the kids are number two. Someday your kids will be gone, hard to believe now, and it will be lonely and you will need each other so keep that relationship strong and the friendship good and the marriage special all while you care for the kids and teach and love them. Easy? Definitely not. I know so many marriages where there are problems because the kids are first and not time for each other. Read the Love Dare book and get ideas from there or there are many other places you can find little inexpensive ideas on things to do to show love. Leave little notes for him, or fix special meals, or whatever he would enjoy. He'll know you're are thinking of him during the day then. whatever you do, don't quit.

Hi. First of all, hang in there. A couple things come to mind. It is really hard to focus on your relationship, when the kids can't meet their own needs and your husband can. I know this feeling first hand. However, if you don't make time for your relationship, it can deteriorate, and that is not good for anyone! If it is at all possible, maybe you could arrange date nights once a week or every two weeks. You could get the kids to bed a little early one night a week and have time just hanging out or watching a movie with your husband. Find little things to do like bring him a cup of coffee or a snack or just listen in little snatches.
All that being said, you are working full time taking care of your kids and home, which enables him to work. If you were not around, he would have to hire someone to do the things you do. So, don't be too hard on yourself...maybe you two could sit down and talk about ways you could both help one another, and what you each think would make you a better wife (what are his expectations?? are they realistic?) and HIM a better husband. Good luck. I know it is a struggle. If your kiddos are very little, that is a common experience.

hey there...sounds like you and your hubby need to have an honest heart to heart...you probably won't like a lot of what you hear & neither will he, but often times we don't wanna admit how we are truly acting...he might feel hurt or neglected and instead of politely and positively seeking your affection, he might just be shutting down bc he expects you to just understand & give him some luvvin bc you are his wife & so out of frustration and lack of communication, he or both of you are probably just snapping at each other instead. i dunno, i'm on my way to work and not sure if any of this makes any sense. but usually there's just a need for a long un-interrupted conversation or two where you both vent and both let the other one speak w/o butting in and often when one feels "heard", they feel better. you probably both need to admit to faults you might not realize you had, profess your love for each other, and promise that you will both work on your marriage/topics of concern for the other spouse. anyway, my hubby and i have had our fair share of differences and bad times...it's hard to find time for everything in a day, but it's not fair that spouses end up being last on the list, y'know? spouses need to feel important to. maybe your hubby can draw you a nice bath & he can sit there with you (or even in the tub too) while you guys talk about whatever you like and unwind together. there is effort required, but the vows said for better And for worse. another thing you might try is The Love Dare...it's a Christian book that truly encourages selflessness and putting your spouse first. my hubby and i both have a copy. best wishes for your family, don't give up.

Hi S.. I think that we all get to feeling a little bit of this sometimes... try not to be discouraged. Your children need both of you - together. Proverbs 31: 10-31 always gives me some encouragement when I am feeling like I am not being the wife I need to/should be. Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

It sounds to me like an equal balance needs to be established, the children dont belong to just one parent. I would set up a schedule and work it around his hours. He needs to know you have a job also maintaining the household. Lousy pay but rewarding when running smooth.
If he makes an effort to help when he can it makes you happy then everyone will be happy.
Children argue over who does what adults lead by example. Be patient and try to work through it. sit down and reason with each other. be kind and love one another. God bless Also kids need assigned jobs. It teaches them early many things.

What? He says you are not good enough? My dear, that is your husband lashing out at you. You've got a busy schedule, but you and hubby need to carve out some time for the 2 of you. A regularly scheduled date night is my suggestion. Put it on the calendar. Make it so he can see it and have something to look forward to.

I have not read through the other responses. The huge red flag I see is that you give so much of yourself you have nothing left for YOU! Take care of yourself first, or you will NEVER have enough to give to everyone else. When you give, give, give, there is nothing left, and you can't replinish yourself to give any thing else! If you take care of YOU first, you will have much more time and energy to give to your children AND your husband. PRAY! and watch Fireproof, a great movie on a troubled marriage that makes it!

I know that you are already a very busy woman, but if you have a nightly reading time, you might enjoy the following books:

365 Nights by Charla Mueller and

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr Laura

Carrie said it very well. There is a book called The Noticer by Andy Andrews. It's a cool book and explains how people give and receive/recognize love. There are 4 ways he talks about and I was both enlightened and frusrated at the same time in hearing his explanation.

Sometimes I do feel it's hopeless. My husband shows his love for me by going to work every day and cleaning up the yard. He feels that paying for things to be fixed around the house is his way of showing me he cares. Truth be known darn it, I want him to be romantic and frankly, he hates sex. He doesn't recognize my hard work in the house and with the kids as much as I think he should. All he seems to see is problems and he blames me when I can't snap my fingers and make our children (including the adult ones) do just what he feels they should. It's all very backwards in our house. He wants to be respected and time spent with him just talking endlessly about work, kids, bills, life in general and gossiping. Who ever said woman were the big gossips in this life?! My husband is the gossip King. I don't have time for all of that. I just want the sex so I can go to sleep and relax for a change.

I realize that I'm NEVER going to get what I want until I figure out how to show him love in the only way he recognizes it. I know the same is true in the reverse. And yet one of us has to make the first move. I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. And by the way, our 25th wedding anniversary is in 7 months. I know for a fact that it would be much happier for him if I'd lose about 50 pounds by then. I just don't know how!

it does get better. it is hard to keep everything up with kids like you used to when they weren't there. I have been married 18 years and there have been some ups and downs through the years but during those downs I try to evaluate what is going wrong and think of ways to improve to make it better. Sometimes it happens with job changes and the husband is stressed about not making enough to support his family.
I just try to think of ways to encourage him and build him up and this usually helps a lot because then he will feel like he is worth something and may do special things for you.

Try to get a babysitter once in a while and go out without the kids. Or have the kids go spend the night somewhere else and plan a nice candle light dinner at home. Sometimes couples need to reconnect and get to know one another again.

Try to find things that all of you can do together, like cooking dinner or whatever.

read The 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. We actually went through a couple's class at church that went through this book and is very good.

Our kids are now teenagers and pre-teen and involved in a lot of activities so aren't home as much anymore. Sometimes hubby and I are home alone and don't know what to do because everything is so quiet without the kids around. I guess all their gone time is preparing us for when they move out of the house. When I am home alone, I really don't know what to do by myself and usually read a book or hang out playing games on the computer.

We all change through the years. sometimes it's for the better and other times can get worse but those changes are important through our lives and have to figure out life through all the changes.

Find a Bible believing church if you don't have one and pray for your family everyday.

I have to wonder what ages your kids are if they need you every minute all day long, or if perhaps they have special needs? If the kids are very young, I would think you could put them down for at least one nap all at the same time during the day to give yourself some "me" time, and/or to get in some "us" time with your husband.

I would suggest that maybe your routine needs to change--it sounds like it's not working very well. A routine/schedule should help things go more smoothly, not take up all your time! :-\

I have four children and one on the way. Our children begin learning independence pretty early. Even the 11-month-old can entertain himself with blocks or a toy for 20 or 30 minutes at a time so I can relax for a few minutes. The 5-year-old helps with chores, can entertain the baby, and is even able to fix himself a snack (I make sure we have healthy stuff he can grab easily, like fresh veggies, cheese sticks, and juice boxes).

I've learned not to waste time with unnecessary tasks, too. For instance, dishes need to be done daily; mopping the kitchen probably does not. It helps to put things away as soon as you're done with them, and teach the kids to do the same. But if they leave toys on the floor, don't keep picking them up over and over all day--wait until playtime is OVER, and do it ONCE a day with help from the kids (it also helps to limit the amount of toys!). Beds don't have to be perfectly made, so the kids learn to do it themselves as preschoolers--I don't do it for them.

Same thing with meals. I love to cook, and I'd happily spend 2 hours in the kitchen on a meal and dessert, but reality usually doesn't work that way. I mostly use the recipes that take the least amount of time--no more than 20 minutes for prep (less time than some "convenience" foods). The Crockpot is my best friend on really busy days--it takes less than 10 minutes in the morning to toss a few things in there with some water or broth and spices! Sometimes I even put a frozen roast in it the night before and set it on Low. Then I can add the potatoes and carrots at lunchtime (when I'm already in the kitchen cutting up other veggies for lunch), so it's all ready by dinnertime. I might cut a head of lettuce into wedges (who needs a tossed salad?) to go with it if I'm feeling fancy.

If you think about it, I'm sure you can find creative ways to delegate, condense, or eliminate certain chores to save time, too. ;-)

But until you can regularly carve out some "us" time, try doing little things for him that don't take much time but may mean a lot--a quick kiss and a flirty smile right when he walks in the door might make a BIG difference in his mood (and yours!) for the rest of the evening. A little scrap of paper with "I love you" on it stuck in his jacket pocket might make a nice surprise for him at work, and takes you only seconds to write. Subtly (so the kids or guests don't see!) grab his backside as you walk past each other through the hallway. Suggest "saving water" by showering together one night (or morning, depending on your schedules) when the kids are asleep in bed.

On the other hand, if your husband's wanting you to have everything done and still have the energy to rip his clothes off and ravish him every night, his expectations might be unrealistic! I'd suggest asking him (nicely) exactly what it is he is wanting you to do for him, and then figure out together what it would take from each of you for that to happen. (Figure out what you want from him, too.) I, too, recommend The Five Love Languages (get it on audio CD if you don't have time to sit and read a book). It's worth it to put in the effort. Your children will benefit from your happier marriage, too!

HTH!
--A.