Newborn Causing Chaos in the Marriage

Just hang in there.

It takes a lot longer than a month for things to reach a new "normal." My daughter is turning 2 next month and I can count how many evenings of peace we've had on one hand.

It's hard. It's stressful and yes...it's the exhaustion that is taking it's toll...not the baby. She is doing what babies do best...rely on you both.

My husband and I understand that we are to put each other first before our child because without a foundation on which to stand, the whole house will fall. Now with a baby in the mix, it's finding the balance of putting each other first while having this little person who can't be put second in line because she needs just about everything. If the two of you find a way to work together on meeting her needs, it will help you too to stay focused on knowing this is only temporary. She will be big soo fast....and you will wonder where those sleepless nights went.

My husband made an upspoken deal with each other, when the other was REALLY tired, the opposite would catch a second wind and try to carry the load. Allowing each other time to rest in shifts helps makes the transition easier. Keep putting each other first above your own exhaustion. Keep verballing affirming him, "what a great dad you are" so he doesn't feel just used and abused. I'm sure you feel the same way but you start the ball rolling and see what happens. With a baby, you can work and do and clean and care for and all you get in return is crying and fussing. It's nice to have a reward for your efforts. You be the one to give it to him and I'm sure it will follow for you.

Also, find a sitter and have date nights. You both desire some time off...together, guilt free.

Good luck. It does get better..still hard and you're still tired but there is more joy once she starts talking... it's the "Ya you" and the kisses...oh the rare sweet spontaneous kisses...that melt your heart and refill you all over again!

M.,

Having a new born is tough and it does take a lot of patience and willingness to change both of your schedules around to accommodate for the new addition to your family.

However, in the mean time, maybe both of you can play a little tag teaming. Give him a little time to snooze, watch the game, or just go for a walk to stress down then he can do the same for you. You have to remember that babies are super sensitive and they can tell when you are tense. So, see if you can have your mom or someone you super trust to watch the baby for a couple of hours so you and your husband can have some one-on-one time. Even though your body is not ready for intimacy just yet, you both can take the time to de-stress by going to the movies, cuddling, or just playing a mindless game you both love.

I hope this helps.

T. S.

Hi M.,

You sound somewhat like my husband and I the first few months the baby was here. Don't get me wrong though. We love the baby to death it's just that it was overwhelming at times. For one thing, my husband decided to start his own business as soon as the baby was born so he didn't take part in raising the baby at all. Till this day I take care of the baby, house, cooking, cleaning, working from home, and everything else that needs to get done. I never had a break at all. Not unless I brought him over to my parents house and we'd get to go out on a date together or something, but that's about it. But anyways, what I'm trying say is my husband and I went through the same thing. We fought even more when the baby was born and sometimes his screaming would startle the baby. We were getting frustrated and exhausted from not enough sleep and so much work. Intimacy wasn't really there the first few months, but eventually improved once the baby became more independent and can sleep through the night. It lasted for about 3 months and completely did a turn around when he was 5 months. Now things are so much better. We get enough sleep, the intimacy is back to normal and we enjoy parenting a whole lot more.

I just wanted you to know that it's not going to last forever. The first few months might be the hardest but after that things will be great. So keep your head up and get help with the baby as much as you can. Even if you have to hire a sitter a few days out of the week to come by and help out. That should give you some time to relax. I hope my advice was helpful and good luck.

I remember that when our son (I.) was born, there was a LOT of new stress in the house. My husband (M.) and I seemed to argue every time the baby was sleeping. While I. was awake, we were the PERFECT, Happy family of three; but while I. was sleeping, WE were MISERABLE.

I found a book called “The Five Love Languages” which talks about how people receive love in different ways. The five languages are “Touch”, “Quality Time”, “words of Affirmation”, “Acts of Service”, and “Gifts”. I discovered that I am “Quality Time”, but my husband is “Acts of Service”. Meaning that, I was trying to spend time with him, because that’s how I give and receive love, but he wasn’t feeling loved. I had to learn to do things for him specifically- to SERVE him! (Quick insite into what your husbands “Love Language” is- When you argue, what is the route of his complaints? I.e. “you’re spending all you time with the baby!” is asking you for quality time. “You only see what I don’t do, why can’t you see what I have Done!” is words of affirmation. And so on and so forth.

Also, when I. was about a year old, M confided in me that, because I would only breast feed, he felt very left out in the first couple of months. Once I. was starting to eat solids, M was able to feel included.

Also, when the baby gets a little older, you may want to find a MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) group; especially if you are going to be a stay home mom. There are some things that a seven moth old just can’t answer for you, and your husband just looks at you as if your speaking in tounges. It is AWESOME to have a group of women ready to help guide you to the answers that they too have asked. It’s also comforting to know that many of times, they are asking some of the same questions. If you want more info, send me a note.

I can only say I know it got better with us, and I’ll pray that God will bring piece to you and your husband.

I hope that this has been of some use, Janell

I think it's very normal for a marriage to get "lost" to the baby. Someone once told me that if you're not working on your marriage, you are working on your divorce and I think that rings especially true after children come into the picture.

Relationships, even marriages, are work. You need to find a way to make time alone with your husband. Ideally, you can work on having "date nights" at least once or twice a month. If nothing else, make it a point to get the baby down early enough in the evening so that you & your husband can have a late dinner, watch a movie, or just enjoy a glass of wine together on the couch.

My husband & I don't have as much intimacy as we did before our first daughter was born, but what time we do have for each other is as passionate, if not more, than before she was born.

What you are going through is normal, and things will improve as your baby gets a bit older. Good luck!

The "D" word was a word used A LOT in the first nine months of my child's life! Luckily our marriage has survived...for the most part! :) (trying to lol)

Recently, I read a book called "Babyproofing Your Marriage"...I really wish someone had recommended it to me sooner (like before I had my baby!!) :) If you can find the time,(I know it's hard right now!....but maybe when you're feeding, or, hey, not sleeping!) :) I would recommend taking a look at it. It basically tells you and your husband in a humorous way that you're not alone and that IT WILL GET BETTER!!...really, it will. It gives the male side of the "I want sex" story, and the woman's "I'm to F*@$ing tired to..." side and pretty much talks about everything that we/most people go through with a new baby in the house.

It does stress how important it is to remember your relationship with your spouse by going on a date night or even a few hours away from baby...with each other and ALONE...for both of you.

Good luck, I know it's hard, but a lot of us have been there and can testify that it can be done! :)