Newborn & 3 Yr Old

Have him help out with the baby for everything - when my daughter was 4 we brought home baby sis and we stressed the being the big sister and how important it was...she used to be the diaper and clothing fetcher! Also, alone time with mom and dad is soooo important now

My daughters are 20 and 16 and we made it thru!

I work at a pediatrician's office in rowlett. She always says to take things slow and let the sibling participate as much as possible. Let him feel he is a big help and a part of teaching his new sibling. Let him hold the bottle (with your help of course), let him pour some baby bubble bath in the tub or sink when the baby is getting their bath, ask him to pick out some socks or onesie for the baby to wear... we have had great feedback. Sometimes it takes a while, just be patient. If you try this and it dosent work right away, dont give up...it will. Then the older kid thinks he is really special, and praise him for these things, maybe try and find a day that you can make "his special day", just you and him for a play date or something.

Congratulations!

My older son was also 3 when my second son was born, and he was also horrible for a few weeks. It's normal, I think - his world has turned upside down (most kids don't do well with change, even happy change) and everyone expects him to suck it up and be nice to the baby.

One thing that helped was having him start preschool - his own "big boy" thing away from the house. Also, try involving him. My older son's baby job was making the baby laugh/smile :-) Talk about all the things big kids can do. Read books about becoming a big brother. Now is the time for him to have some outings with Daddy, just the two of them. And as much as you can, give him positive attention. In my experience, there's not much you can do except pile on the loving attention and wait for him to adjust. It sucks because you are so busy and tired and by instinct, you are going to feel very protective of the baby - it's only human. But your first baby is still a baby in many ways, too.

Negative attention is better than none at all! At this point there are a few things that may be beneficial. First you want to make sure that u are still doing some of the same things u did before baby came. If it was that he sits on ur lap and u read to him before bed time. Continue to do this. Make sure you are still spending some time with ur 3 yo. U may also want to have someone watch the baby while u take him out on a special outing at least once a week. I still take my daughter and son out separately for their special time. Secondly u want to explain to him through books discussions and videos of who is brother us and where he came from. The library has plenty of books and videos for kids. Lastly, don't get frustrated and upset when he says the mean or negative things. Correct it without raising ur voice or getting angry. If he says something like today is going to be rotten, u just say no baby u are going to have a wonderful day. Hope this helps. If not try the sibling classes offered at some of the local hospitals.

Both previous responses are great advice. In addition to having him help with the care of the new baby, you might consider giving him a doll or stuffed animal to care for on his own. My son loved to change Curious George's diaper when I changed his sister (I gave him a newborn diaper to use and took this job very seriously!). One other thing I did was for each feeding, before starting, I would tell him it was story time and that we were going to read a couple books. I would say, let me see if I can get your sister to nurse now so that we can have some quiet time together. He was never jealous of nursing since he thought that was part of his special time with me. The adjustment period for my son was about 5-6 months but it was not horrible - he regressed and was much more clingy and unwilling to be apart from me. Good luck and hang in there.

My daughter was 3 when her sister was born. We had the opposite happen. She actually became depressed. Her normally bubbly self... gone. She stopped eating. She was sad all of the time. I, like you, was at my wits end. I didn't know what to do for her. Thank God she was in preschool and was able to get out and be with her friends. Her attitude seemed like it went on forever. Her third birthday was 2 weeks after her sister was born and we had a great birthday party for her. 2 parties! One for family, one for friends. I thought that would get her out of her funk. Not the case. Everyone wanted to see the baby, hold the baby... It was really, really hard for her and I never thought that she would act that way. My funny, smarty pants was gone. Long story short, this too shall pass. It did take some time, I won't lie. I had to reward her for eating just so that she would eating something, anything. She hardly ever smiled, it was horrible. I want to say that it wasn't until her sister was able to move around a little, smile at her and basically once the "new baby" thing wore off with everyone that things started to get back to normal. I'm not going to lie it was close to a year before she really was back to herself 100%. Now they are 6 & 3 and best buds. They fight like sisters and love like sisters. It will get better, it is just going to take some time. Try to give him as much alone or one on one time as you can. Try not to punish him. Try to reward for good behavior instead. He just doesn't know how to handle it and remember he is only 3. Good luck!

I haven't read the other responces but it sounds like he is looking for attention. I remember reading when I was pregnant with my second how would you feel if your husband brought home a second wife. That is how your son is feeling. Replaced and rebelling. I always put my older son first (when they were really little) I would get him a snack and then feed his brother, his life went on. We were at the firestation with a 2 week old, etc. My baby had to fit into his brothers life, not the other way around. That being said I also accepted that for the first few months someone was going to be crying at all times (they were only 22 months apart) Maybe not what you wanted to hear and they really weren't crying all the time--but it could happen at any moment. When my daugther was born 5 years later she just had do go with the flow. She was at a gymnastics meet in Indy at 4 weeks old (I wasn't even driving yet) but her brother had a meet. My kids learned to sleep whereever needed. Have special time with your son when the baby is sleeping. The vacuuming can wait, and you can survive on simple meals. Your son will only be 3 once so spend time with him and if the baby fusses--he won't remember it=) Make sure all the babies needs are met but time with your 3 year old is very important.

Hi B.. :) We are in a very similar situation. :) I am not sure what kind of assistance you have at home but one thing that helps us is making sure my toddler gets A LOT of attention. Because you are so busy and tired with the newborn, if you have family, friends, your husband, or even nannies/babysitters that can come and play with your older son, you will see a huge difference. Also, try to make sure you have time to spend with the older one. I try to make sure when my newborn goes down to sleep, we play and then I make sure to help out with our toddler's bath/book/bed time routine as soon as I get the baby to sleep. I also try to make sure that I explain to my toddler what I am doing without ever "blaming" the baby. :) I don't want my toddler to blame him too. I hope that helps...I totally feel your struggles...it is rough at the beginning. :( Hang in there...our newborn is 9 weeks and it is slowly getting easier. Take care and try to get sleep...sleep makes a huge difference! :)

Hi B.,
First I want to say congratulations on the new addition! I also recently brought home my second child about six months ago when my first just turned three. It also was a challenge to give them both the attention they needed while trying to recover and adjust to the new lifestyle. My advice to you is to try and rely on your family as much as possible. I am the type that hates to ask for help, but this chapter of my life showed me that I am not the super women I thought I was. Have some family members take your son out for awhile or have them come for visits to help entertain the children. As time goes on I promise it will get better. Now that my son is now almost seven months old he is more independent and my daughter loves to help out and play with him. Good luck and hang in there!
-A.

he's jealous invole him in as many aspects of helping as possible. tell him you really need his help as a big brother. oh did you forget to tell him he gets the big brother gift too. he needs his special time to make him think of an activity that just you two do without any interuptions from the baby. he's angry now because he is not the center of attention. in order to get your attention he's being bad. then he get's your attention you have to step away from baby to respond to his actions. just think of being an adult and having anther woman take you place in your spouses eyes, you'd be prttey angry. this can't be explained to him he just needs to feel special again. lay down with him at night ask him what he thinks of his little brother tell him how hard it is for you to take care of the new baby. then ask him how he can help you, have him come up with his own ideas. say after dinner how do you think you could help mommy so we can have our special time. coax him to come up with his own ideas. he has many ,but you need to channel them to be good. he only knows how to bring the bad ones out because of his anger. this needs to be his ideas let him feel a little in control he needs that now. then he won't try to control you in a negative way.

I'm sorry your going through such a rough time. It's normal for your 3 year old to be jealous, his whole life has changed now that baby has arrived. Try to make him feel really special with the baby, (let him help) give him some real quality time with just you and then have daddy do the same... he's just wanting your attention. Lots of love,laughs and hugs...

Well hello mommy B..
As a mother of a son who turned 3 in August and a 6 month old daughter, I understand exactly what you are going through. When we first brought Averie home, the transition was extremely difficult, as it should be for Jack. Going from 1 to 2 is hard for us, but getting a new sibling turns their world upside down.. Jack has in the past 6 months turned into the MOST amazing big brother and each day after Ave was about 1 month old, it just got better. I can only tell you what worked for us.
I found that giving one on one time to Jack was THE most important. During the day, I was so tired or busy with breastfeeding, Jack got the short end of the stick and would act out. I had to make a conscious effort when Averie was sleeping to do a fun project with him or something that gave him my full attention. If that wasn't enough, when my husband came home from work, I would go on a special errand with Jack while Daddy stayed home with the baby. That was great for both parents getting individual time with each child.
I also moved Jack's carseat next to Averie so he could be next to her constantly. He learned to help this way and be a part of it. He would wipe her when she drooled or puked, console her when she was crying, and entertain her. This was his big brother job and he loved it.
I also made him part of everything with her during the day. Changing her, (he would be in charge of getting her diapers or wipees), kissing her on her belly to make her smile. He would help feed her a bottle at home while cuddling all together and I let him hold her alot. He also was in charge of greeting her when she first woke up in the morning. They both LOVE this now. Noone makes Averie smile like her big brother and he takes such enjoyment in that.
The biggest part of the adjustment was just making Jack feel like he had an important role in Averie being his sister. It was very hard the first month because she didn't do anything but eat and sleep but after that, Jack learned to adapt very well.
It all takes extra effort on your part and as exhausted as you are, I know this seems like so much to ask. But it will all pay off in the long run. I think I did half of this stuff the first month home with my eyes closed. I was at my wits end too and so tired but I am a really happy mommy of 2 now and Jack is as happy as can be.. (HA! When he is not throwing one of his awful 3 year old tantrums.....)
I hope this helps and good luck to you
K.

OH, wow! I could have written that request about 20 months ago! My son went to the dark side about 10 days after my daughter was born and it just happened to coincide with a visit from my inlaws. (who told me he needed to be spanked, told him he was a big brat, etc. Good times) I agree with the previous posters, the other things I would say would be as consistent as you can. THere are some things that just cannot be tolerated - we would time out my son. I didn't know what else to do! We also started a "positive jar". When he did something good, we would put a star in the jar - I think that is just as much for the parents to make sure who acknowledge the good things - it will make both of you feel better to be more positive. But, it is a process - my son liked to slam doors and scream his head off his room. As long as he wasnn't hurting anyone we would let him.

We have a newborn and 3-year-old, plus 2-year-old. The first weeks were so bad it was not even funny (he'd say he wants to pull the baby's eyes out, and actually hit baby), but then the 3-year-old started preschool, and I signed us up for 4 park district classes on the days when there is no schoool. We are out of the house at least once each day and that made the difference. It has only been 3 months, but the kids are now loving. As long as we get out, as DIFFICULT as it is to move us around with all our gear and sippies.

I also have a 3 y.o. and a now 6 mos. My 3 y.o. had a hard time w/new baby in home also. I discovered that once I had gotten the baby settled, I had to spend extra snuggle time with my son, to alleviate some of the tension he was building. I would do things like read him a story while I was breastfeeding the baby. Ask him to be my big boy helper with the baby, ie. get me a diaper, a burp cloth a toy whether I needed it or not? I also set up a routine for him with the new baby he got new "color's" the 3d crayola's. So he has time set aside every day to color and read and "stuff" I would take the baby with us and he would show the baby his toys, racecars and dumptruck's in his room. So he felt included in welcoming the new member of the family. We also had some regression in the potty training dept. so be forwarned that it is totally normal. He also relied on Grandma he would ask her to "take care of me" since that was what I said about the baby, I had to take care of him. It made me cry, but I was glad that he had Grandma there for a back up, since Momma was busy. Encourage your husband to take him for "big boy" stuff, even if it's just a trip to the hardware store for some lightbulbs? He needs the reassurance. Anyhow it will all pass and he just needs the love of other family to know that he still fits in too!

Realize that there are two things going on, first you are most likely really tired, which make everything less tolerable and second your son has just had his center of the universe place disrupted...given those changes it's not unusual to have some issues! I would encourage you to as intentional as possible in giving your son love and attention when he is not acting out so that you can feel confident to be firm and loving in your discipline when he is acting out. Good luck...this too will pass, much more quickly than you can imagine right now!!

Hi B.
My son was the same age when we brought our daughter home. He was acting up as well. I played the "dumb mommy" card and needed his help for different jobs throughout the day. I would say "Where are the diapers??" or What do I do if she is hungry? He felt so big and cool knowing answers that I didn't. I also made sure to set some time for him and I during naps. I found some cool indoor game ideas on line- basketball with folded socks etc.. Good luck it will pass and soon they will be playing together like mine.

I know this may sound silly but it worked for us. We gave our toddler a little "party" when the new baby came home. It was because he was now a BIG brother. We made a huge deal out of it and stressed the importance he how we needed him protected and take care of his little brother. Cake, balloons, a gift from the baby to him, lots of excitement, etc etc. Our toddler thought it was really cool that the baby knew he liked Spider Man >: )

B.,

We just went through the same thing at our house a few weeks ago. Our little one is now 11 weeks and finally our 3 year old is getting a little better. Just give Johnathan lots of love and tell him how much he means to you. Our doctor also told us that telling them that they are a big help and you could not do it without them also helps although we have not had much luck with that yet. We have also started being pretty hard about the rules and what is acceptable but we just started that a few weeks ago.
Send me a personal message if you want to talk. It is very hard to get through it but with support and enough love you will make it through it...I promise.

My son did the same thing when my daughter was born, he was 2.5 at the time. He had always been sweet, gentle, and once we brought the new baby home he became aggressive, got a really horrible attitude, started hitting, peeing on the floor on purpose (he had been potty trained for 6 months already). I was a basket case, I was so stressed out from no sleep and the hormonal roller coaster ride with the new baby, and then my son was flipping out on me. I would get really upset and frustated with my son, which didn't help at all. What I learned was that he really needed some attention from all of us, but mostly from me. Every day I made sure we had time just for the two of us to cuddle, read, play outside, etc. We tried extra hard to give him as much attention as we could, and it really worked. What also helped was just "time"; I underestimated what an enormous adjustment it was for him to have another baby in the house. You will get through it - give him tons of extra TLC and love and it will be ok. Congrats on your new baby!