Neighborhood Playmates

I know of some families using a flag system. Different colors mean different things. Maybe you even just put a colored paper in the door. Red (Stop) if it isnt a good time for her to play or if she is sleeping or ill, and Green (Go) when she can play.

I think that you being the adult you need to be the enforcer of your rules and dont answer the door during these times. Do you know this girl? Do you know her parents? Do you know where she lives? I would get this mothers name and number and call her and tell her that her daughter is not allowed over during these times for these reasons. Or dont give her a reason but you need to set limits. Weather she is coming over because of what type of family life she has or doesnt have, or weather she is coming over because she knows that if she waits at your house long enough that you will just give in. I would not let her in to play with my daughters toys while I was busy having dinner, you need to shoo!! her away!! Politely obviously. But stand up and dont let a nine year old run your dinner times!!

One question--why is a nine year old wanting to play with a four year old? That seems a little odd, especially since she seems to have some boundary issues. Just a thought!

tell her she can go home and wait, you will call when it's time to play...also talk to her mother and let her know that dinner time is family time and that her daughter can't come over to play until after a certain time...then the visits will end during dinner time. Don't worry about hurting feelings, because if you do, yours are the ones that are going to be hurt.

K.,

One thing that you could do is let her know when your dinner time is, and that your daughter could come out to play after dinner, and tell her that the best time to come over and give her a time that she can come. That should work, if she does come over after you tell her what time to come over and she still comes over before that, give her the time, and tell her that she will have to come back after your time that you told her to.

That is what the neighbor hood parents did with us kids... We did not get mad, we knew what was expected of us, and that is just what we did.. Sometimes we would have be reminded but after a few times of getting reminded then we learned to listen.

Just my thoughts..

Hi K.,

I live in a super friendly neighborhood with all age kids and everyone is friends with everyone. My daughter is 3 and even the highschool kids are polite and friendly with her and all the kids have come over to invite her to things that many of the neighborhood kids are at, like sledding in one of their yards, or running through sprinklers. When you're at one of these last minute things where the kids all seem to converge, everyone looks around to see if all the kids are there and having fun. If someone is missing, they go invite them. (my sitter is 10 and she still goes out of her way to come and play with my 3 yr old. Not because she's looking for money, but she actually likes hanging out with her.) My point being, don't be worried if a 9 yr old wants to play with a 4 yr old...they are friends and friends are blind to age differences when they're this young.

I'd just tell her politely, "We're eating supper right now. Why don't you go home and we'll call or come over when we're done." or something like that. I always end by saying, "Thanks for coming over though, we'll see you another time." That seems to indicate to the kids to leave. Either that, or the kids in my neighborhood take the hint better.

But, it's your house and I believe you need to enforcing the rules you set for your house, even if it's a someone that doesn't live there.

Finding well-taught manners in today's children can be difficult but I certainly think you have a right to enjoy your dinners uninterrupted. I would just say that while "I know my daughter enjoys playing with you, but she cannot play from ___ to ____ (whenever your scheduled dinner is at) because that's our family time to eat. You can call our house, and see if she's ready to play after that time, OK?" Unless you actually spell out your expectations for your uninvited guest, she will not "pick up" that she is stepping over the bounds. A nine year old is old enough to learn how to use a phone. You could give her a written "dinner time" when she should wait at home, with your phone number on it. Hope this helps!

K.-
She is a nine year old girl. You need to be the adult and put your foot down. You don't have to be mean about it, just set the limits for her, and then enforce them.

I have the same problem, but worse.

I live in a townhouse community lots of neighbors, very close, and lots of kids. On Saturday I about lost it after I was interrupted every 5min. I bet my door bell rang 15 times in one day. I had two neighbors just walk right into my house. All I wanted to do was clean house and relax. I have kids ring our bell at 9am that is way to early in my opinion. Then they don't juse ring it once they ring it continuously. If we barbeque outside and eat at our picnic table the kids will come over and ask for food, stare at us, and tell us how good it looks. I will tell them they need to go home, etc. They refuse to listen and keep starring at us eat. I've just come to the conclusion people are just rude these days. And hardly anyone teaches their children manners.

What works sometimes for me is to just be consistant. I would say something like.

"We eat dinner every night at 5:30, you need to go home and when my daughter is done eating if she wants to, she will come and get you."

Try being polite but very very direct.

If she is still sitting on your porch and doesn't listen to you go back out and say

"Excuse me would you please go home, sitting on our porch with our daughters toys is a distraction and she won't eat her dinner."

It sounds a bit grown up but at 9 if that doesn't work go talk to her parents. Or start ignoring the doorbell.

I like the green/red flag idea another poster recommended I might have to try that.

K.,

You have received lots of good advice on this, but I have a couple questions. Do you know the girl's mom? Do you know what her home is like? I remember reading a story about a girl who did the same thing and she kept coming over because her home life was awful and even though it totally interrupted the woman's life she invited her in and it completely changed the little girl's life. Could it be she comes over at YOUR dinner time because they don't have one at her house? Maybe you could invite her over for dinner.
Sometimes that is all it takes.