Neighborhood Friends - Wyandotte,MI

Hi K.,

I agree with Leslie that in general we don't hang out with people that, for whatever reason, we don't click with so it seems unreasonable to ask your daughter to do it. But then my heart goes out to the little girl. I can't remember how long it's like this, but child development specialists say that young children understand the concept of kids that are younger than them but not children that are older than them, so while the little one wouldn't want to play with an 18 month old because that's a baby, she doesn't see any difference between her and a 9 or 10 year old. Plus she's probably a little dazzled. I also think, if you know or suspect your daughter isn't being super nice and leading the group that direction, you should discourage it and use the situation as an opportunity to teach her about empathy and compassion.

What if you had periodic specific playdates that were for everyone to do together or the girls could do so that little one could be included and then it's over and everyone goes home. Things like manicure/pedicures sessions, makeovers, crafts, waterplay outside. You could sit down with your big daughter and explain that there are going to be these playdates that everyone does and then there are the ones where she will be with her big friends and not have to entertain a 4 yr. old. You can tell her why, and what your expectatioins are. The better she mentors the 4 yr. old, the more opportunities she has to be with the big ones because it shows responsibility and kindness. Plus it's good experience for when she is old enough and wants to start babysitting.

Then little girl's mom will feel better, little girl won't feel left out all the time, 9 yr. old won't feel put upon all the time, and you won't be encouraging what is maybe some not so nice behavior because your daughter is frustrated.

Hope this helps,

L.

I think it's a good thing to encourage kids of all ages to play together. That's the way things used to be...you played with whoever lived in your neighborhood. If the older girls are being mean to the younger one, it's not the younger ones fault - it's the older girls fault. She needs to be taught to be nice! What if it were her younger cousin, or younger sister? You would want her to be nice then? Playing with kids of different ages teaches patience, empathy, cooperation and many other desirable traits. It also helps the younger child as they look up to the older children. It all falls back to your own beliefs - do you keep to yourself and raise your children by yourself? or do you believe it takes a village/community to raise a child?

This one is a tough question!!

I think I lean a little more toward Amanda's advice that it takes a village to raise a child and you should encourage games that everyone can play together.

Lisa C also makes a VERY good point of have schedule playdates with activities that all of the kids can play in. Your daughter shouldn't be made to play with anyone that she doesn't want to but she shouldn't be rewarded for unkind behavior either. If she can't play nice with the 4yr old the play session should end with the sisters as well. No-one likes a bully and while your daughter isn't beating up on the other kids she is practicine a bully type behavior where she's getting the sisters to gang up on the 4 yr old. I'm sure this is part of a natural maturing phase where she is learning more about who she is but she needs your help to make it through this and learn a good lesson that she's not better than the 4 yr old and she shouldn't hurt her to make herself look cooler in front of the sisters.

I say talk to the other mom and explain how you feel. Go there with a few ideas on how to resolve this situation so that relationships are not left behind and come up with a solution together. She may not know how you feel about this and may be getting defensive for her daughter feeling as though her daughter is getting picked on or cast aside. I think you may find out that you and the other mom may be feeling more strongly about all of this than the children do. The children may not even be aware that it's going on.

Good Luck!! I hope you're able to resolve all of this without losing out on friendships! Hope my advice helps!

If the mom has now told you that she just decided to not let her 4 y.o. play with the older kids, then I would just drop it and let it be. Depending on the maturity of all the parties involved, 4 is quite young to be playing with a 6 and 9 year old anyway, let alone a 10 yr old. Maybe mom was just trying it out, and decided that it creates more issues for her than she is ready/willing to deal with.

From her perspective, it may be easier to tell her daughter that she can't play with the neighborhood kids anymore than to limit it to only certain ones at certain times. It may create less drama on her end.
Maybe mention that it's too bad that things didn't work out better with the girls, but, gee, that age difference is pretty big. Surely she recognizes that. It's not just the number of years, but the HUGE difference in ability and maturity from 4 to 9-10 or even from 4 to 6! In a few more years, your daughter could potentially babysit her!

There is a huge developmental difference between a 10 year old and a 4 year old. I find it strange that the other mom thinks her child should be playing with the older girls. I could see the 6 and 4 year old playing together and the 9 and 10 together, but the mother of either the 6 or the 4 year old would always need to be there to supervise, that should not be up to you or your daughter to do. I would just tell her that the age difference is just too great and your child is too young to be acting as a baby sitter (especially unpaid).

Sorry, but no one should expect a 9 yo to enjoy playing with a 4 yo. When we went thru that in our neighborhood, I just had an honest conversation with my neighbor and moved on. Sounds like your neighbor just wants a babysitter. Is that harsh? Don't be too hard on yourself.

I would let the kids work it out. But I would tell your daughter, to be nice, not to exclude anyone becasue she wouldn't want that to happen to her. Kids figure out their own pecking order, so to say.
If your friends with the other Mom, just explain to her, your sorry if your daughter is not playing nice, as she is getting older and doesn't want to do all of the little kiddie stuff. As a Mom, she should understand this.

Your daughter is 10, hers is 4. She should understand that your daughter will not want to spend a great deal of time playing with hers. Tell the mom, it's not personal, that's just too much of an age difference to expect them to play together often or for long periods of time. Bonus if they do at all, but it really shouldn't be expected, even if you're in a tiny neighborhood. Really, her Mom needs to work on finding her some playmates her own age. The other 2 girls' relationship with the 4 year old, is for them to figure out, I don't think you should worry too much if the other girls seek her out for insincere reasons. Your taking on too much if you worry about that. But, you can tell your daughter that if the sisters are already playing with the 4 year old, she should ONLY join them if she's willing to include her graciously, even if she does things that irritate her. She's only 4. And you can really make sure your daughter understands she should NOT make comments about the younger girl that are unkind because it isn't right and it would be unfair for her to create a friendship rift between her and the sisters. She can respect the fact that it is OK for the sisters to have a friendship with the little girl, even if she doesn't care for playing with her. Sometimes, your daughter can invite just the sisters over. If the 4 year old comes to the door, you may have to just very gently turn her away sometimes. Again, repeat with the Mom, my daughter is 10, yours is 4, I can't force her to want to play ALL of the time, I'm sorry. What about your daughter just inviting the 9 year old over sometimes? I'm sure the older sister would appreciate some big girl time, and maybe the 6 and 4 year old will start playing together. Good luck!

I went through a similiar situation, my daughter gave me so much resistance about playing with the other child that I told the other mother straight out.... my daughter is starting to learn who she is, and does not always make the right choices, but as mom's we have to let them go through these phases in order to learn... while I stress to her on a regular basis that she should include the younger kids when he plays, I also feel that as grown ups, if we do not have mutual interests with people, we simply do not "hang out" with them, so in reality, why would we force our kids to do so? It is hard to understand for the younger kids, but eventually they will be the older kids and they will see what it is like... it is just a right of passage.
It is not rude, and you should not apologize if your child doesn't want to play with someone elses. If you want to try another route, ask the younger child to come over for a playdate without the other older kids... the one on one time might help them to find common interests, and you might be surprised to find that your child DOES want to play some of the games the younger child wants, but doesn't want to do it in front of the older kids! Hope it helps.

Maybe if she's encouraged to play with the boys, it would work out better in the long run? At that age it doesn't really matter that she's a "girl" and the play will be more age appropriate for her.