Neighbor Issues - Woods Cross,UT

I agree with everyone else.
The only thing I would add is to speak directly to the child. As kindly as you can, explain to him that he will be invited to go with you sometimes, but you will let his mom know when those times are. His mom is not going to take any responsibility to do it. Then ignore her rude texts.

Wow, my kids are 4 and 6 and I would NEVER let them run the neighborhood like that.

Next time the mom says anything to you, tell her that you won't be taking him anywhere unless you discuss it with her FIRST.... none of this trusting her 4 year old to set up playdates. Goodness gracious.

I'm sorry, but she needs to teach her son that he is not always invited just because you are neighbors and friends. Sometimes, families just do things as a family. 4 is not too young for him to hear this. It's not like your DD went over and bragged that she gets to go to the park and he can't come, ha-ha. HE came over to YOUR house. You and your DD were just being HONEST, in a nice way. Does she seriously expect you to make something up and tell her you're going to the bank or something just so her son is not disappointed? I would consider creating a little distance because this woman has no sense of teaching her children healthy boundaries and common courtesy. I'm guessing the little 4 year old cried to his Mom about not getting to play at your house the time you were working too, hence the accusatory phone call. Kind of an inappropriate Mama Bear reaction. You may be in for a long ride with this neighbor as the kids grow up if she blames you or your children for every little cry her children make. I think you should make your boundaries clear with her.

I would say something like "Jane, will you please explain to Timmy that often he is welcome to play with us, but not every time he seeks us out will we be available. We love the kids' friendship, and understand he is sensitive and don't want to hurt his feelings. We aren't trying to rub anything in his face, but we are not going to tip-toe around either. I would love to have the kind of neighborly relationship the kids can come around any time to see if our kids can play without a phone call first. But if Timmy is going to feel so bad the times he can't play or come with us to the park, maybe you would prefer to call me and ask before just allowing him to come over."

I also think it sounds like her son needs his Mom to spend more time taking him to the park and such. He sounds needy for attention, and he's so upset when you can't take him because he has nothing else to do.

If the kid wants to go to the park so bad, why doesn't SHE take him? Seriously, it's not nice of her to make you feel guilty for wanting private time with your own family. This is definitely HER issue, not yours.

I've been having a neighbor issue. Won't go into detail because I've gone through it before on here, but basically the neighbor kid was inviting himself over all the time and the parents could care less because they were completely negligent of what he was doing. It got to the point where I couldn't even open the side door and go out into the yard without this kid chanting my son's name and magically appearing. I work from home as well and he was so disruptive in the house I finally had to kick him out for good and told my son they could only play in the yard. I hate feeling like the meanie, but if the mom could care less about teaching her son some manners I didn't see why it suddenly had to be MY problem. Set up some boundaries and don't worry about being the "bad guy". You're not.

Tell her "It seems that we've been getting our wires crossed about the kids playing together lately." Then suggest setting up some specific times for them to play and not assume each other is available at other times.

Sounds like her children do not get the attention they need at home. I think there is an underlying problem hence all the texts. There is a reason she cannot tell these words to your face. I am an educator and have been for over 20 years. As an educator this bothers me and I do see this. The children sound like they are craving attention. You have to ask yourself; Is this a friendship that I see lasting a long time? until we move? or ultimately one I can do without. Once that decision is made the conversation must be had. You sound like a well-grounded woman/mother that has her family priorities in place. Tell her of your decision and why. If your decision is to cease the friendship and she "flips" out then I do not think she ever thought of you as a friend but a friend of convenience when it came to the children. I hope this has made sense. It's my first post on here. I hope I do not offend by this post.

Trying to be friendly with a neighbor like this, it not doable.
The neighbor woman, is really irritating and unfair and pawns off her kid to you. With NO regard for boundaries or manners or normal perceptions.

NO matter what you do, she will always find something to complain about... and that complaint will be about you and your child.

The thing is, you do not HAVE TO play together or even have her kid over or have her kid join you for any outing, nor at your house.
But the woman is assuming... that EVERYTHING you do, you have to include her son.
So, that is impossible. Right?
And now, you and your kids have NO privacy. Because the neighbor woman will always.... EXPECT you to include her son.

So, you either be Hermits, or you just do what you want, without worrying about pleasing, her and her son.
That is not your responsibility.

Everybody has a life.
That does not mean you have to engage with them or invite her son or her, to every single thing that you do, with your kids.

If I had a neighbor like that, I would just tell the woman herself, and not go through the son. The kid is only 4.

It is time, you and the other woman, get things straight.
Or she will keep on, bossy-ing you and what you do outside or inside your home and she will keep on expecting you to have her son over or to take him out or to "babysit" him.

It is HER responsibility... to tell her own son... about things.
Not you. That is her kid. She has to explain things to him. About normal manners.
And the woman doesn't even have the common sense, to inform you of how she is just telling her son to go out with you. Without asking you first.

She is making you, responsible for her son.

I don't know how you can deal with it because she is not being rational. I get he is four but he shouldn't be inviting himself and bigger than that he shouldn't be lying to his mom.

Thing is I am not sure he is lying so much as assuming that if you are going somewhere he thinks he can go that is as good as in invite.

Regardless I am not sure why the mom doesn't say, were you invited? I get the first time and maybe the second but by the third I would for sure be saying junior? Did you actually get an invite? If the answer is no I would take the kid myself if he was so upset.

Just seems like she is taking the easy way out and blaming you.

She sounds completely nuts, plain and simple.

Since she obviously doesn't understand boundaries, you will need to set them down real firm. It always stinks when kids are the victims of their parents discord. If I were in your situation, I would forget about being friendly neighbors with the mom and stop caring what she thought of me. I would spell it out for her that any plans involving our kids needed to be discussed first with me, not with her kids, or she could assume the answer was "no." I would also tell her that she was the cause of her son's hurt feelings, not me, and that under no circumstances was I going to lie or tell my children to lie to her kids.

It seems that I always have at least one crazy neighbor too. Part of life, I guess! Best of luck.

We had a next door neighbor that when she was young, I felt like spent a much bigger amount of time at my house. It made me crazy, at times, because I had four small children and she was the youngest in her family, with the other kids all being in school. It tnever failed that the showed up just as we were eating. There were some things that she learned from her older siblings that I would have preferred my kids not have known, but it also ended up opening lots of lines of communication..between me and my kids, between she and I and also with her mom. Finally I embraced the situation, and wasn't going to tiptoe around what worked. I would have the conversation with her, we are doing such and such..sometimes she was welcome to join us, and other times it didn't work. Sometimes there were hurt feelings, and as my kids expanded to other friends, it was occasionally awkward. Many times we had the conversation that it was okay for everyone to have other friends and it did not take away from how much you liked your first friend. At times, she could be jealous and mean spirited, which would crush my daughter in her hurt, but I got that. I was actually that girl that wanted to be the one best friend, and I would try to explain to my kids how this girl felt and tell her I was the same way and wished I knew that it truly didn't mean I wasn't special when I was younger when my "best" friend played with someone else, and didn't want to include me all the time.
Fifteen years later I love this child and frequently refer to her as my fifth..I am a better mom because of her, and I don't know what I would do without her. She has been an amazing friend to my other younger kids as well as my two that are the same age. Her mom has been an incredible teacher to me in her older, been there and through it demeanor.
My suggestion is you handle things the way you want. Explains to your neighbor, you hope that the kids always maintain a good relationship, and this is where you set groundwork for the future. Of course there will be hurt feelings, disappointment and misunderstanding, but you both need one another, but that there will be times you want to do special things with your kids, have them look forward to the event and vice versa. The awkwardness now will pay off in the future tenfold. It was an aha moment when I realized I could totally contradict a mom I liked and respected...and neither of us were necessarily right. There have been times, when I honestly thought I had it much more together and better insight than this mom, and looking back can sheepishly admit..I was arrogant and misguided. My neighbor approached every situation with grace and helped me learn this characteristic as well.
These relationships are building blocks for the future and will teach you all much. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, say the wrong thing and follow your own instincts. It takes work being a neighbor, but my hope is that these relationships would be ones that you look back on and treasure.
Finally, it is okay to not want the kids over, or in your house.. This is when I instituted the outside rule...you can play together, but it has to be outside and the minute you can't think of something to do, it is over and each family goes to their respective homes. This way there was not the expectation for either mom to have to host, especially when you are working from home. I probably was more of the scorekeeper..because I felt like the kids were at my house the majority of time..but when they have to stay outside, it is both parents watching..the beauty of living next door is each child uses the bathroom, gets a drink or snack at their own home and can then come back together. I think having to stay outside really helped the kids become creative in entertaining themselves.

I was floored by the fact that the 4 year old followed you A MILE to the park alone and that was okay with the mother!!!! And no, you don't have to make any excuses or lie to the child. His mother needs to apparently spend more time with him doing things outside the house. Sounds to me like the poor little guy has cabin fever because his mom doesn't take him anywhere. And I agree with a lot of others, you probably need to distance yourself and your kids, even though it will be difficult.
Best of luck!

I would flat out tell the kids that they can't plan anything without the parents talking. We had to train all the kids in the neighborhood (including ours) to do this and it works well.

Also, the mom is crazy to let her 4 year old head off to the park by himself, without verifying that he's in good hands first. I would be clear with her that you would be happy to take him with you on occasion, but you will come to the door to get him and arrange it first. You shouldn't have to worry about him "joining" you at the park.

I also work from home and can understand the issue of not being able to have the kids over. You do not need to feel obligated to have other kids over while you are trying to work. I'm surprised she would think it's fine. I'm not saying she should have them over to her house instead if it's not convenient, but she can say no too if she's busy.

I agree this child is either not getting enough attention at home or his Mom is just pawning them off on the neighbors. If not you then they would be at someone else's home knocking on the door.
You need to have a firm heart to heart talk with the other Mom. She needs to understand that while you like maybe even love her kids they are not your responsibility. She can no longer allow them to just show up at your house expecting you to take care of them. A phone call is needed before they come over.

Sounds to me like this mother doesn't want or intend to take care of her children, she pushing it off on you . Letting her child/ren go to the park or run around like she does is just plain stupid, (and I don't usually use that word) I wouldn't even consider such a way to do things. I feel for the little 4 year old though. I guess you'll have to keep your distance as much as you can and tell the mom that you'll let her know if and when her son is invited to the park or whatever it may be. Sounds like these kids need a real mom. If they are not easy to handle now wait till they're older, like teenagers. And with a mom like this its not going to be pretty, unless there is a change. The poor kids doesn't know any better, he's only doing what he's taught. This is kind of a strange and ify situation. Maybe you'll have to play it by ear and sometimes tell your kids that it's the secret of the day so keep it under their hat, making it light hearted and funny but being sure they know to keep it to themselves, (when you're going to do something fun). afterall sometimes its okay to keep things ourselves, we don't have to tell everyone everything. Apparently the neighbor kids need attention which is sad.
The Best to you and your's

I agree with Debra W. Something is definitely "one-sided" in this friendship. It sounds like she doesn't like to have kids underfoot, so she is trying to pawn them off on you as much as she can. Like Abbie H. said, set some boundaries when your kids can play/can't play. She needs to step up as a parent and look out for her own kids. I don't know how far the park is from your homes, but if my 4 year old went off to our park by himself, I would be scared out of my mind!!
HTH,
A.

The mom is an immature jerk. I would tell her from now on in no uncertain terms if they want to get together, have a playdate or anything else, she needs to communicate that with YOU first. Do not send the child over and assume that it is ok or you will call CPS or the police for child endangerment. (not totally joking about that one) But seriously, she needs some lessons in boundaries and you are being way too nice. Nip it in the bud now and if she continues to have this attitude, set her straight or tell her its over. No more playing. Best wishes!

Wow...that's a tough one!!! Very uncomfortable having somebody up in your grill all the time...right next door too. Hmmmm...I had a neighbor that complained to me one day that he couldn't stand it everytime he opened his front door that my bold red wreath was staring him in the face. Just cool it with all the interaction and let the kids play outside together...that's my only suggestion.

I have known kids who can be notorious for this.

The kid asks his mom if he can go to the park, mom says yes. However, the kid was never invited and no one asked YOU in the first place.

When my kids were younger, this was a huge pet peeve of mine. If one of my kids asked to go somewhere with someone, I called to confirm if they were even invited. My kids were really good about not inviting themselves, but sometimes we had other plans and they weren't allowed to go. So, my answer wasn't always yes. Not to mention the fact that throughout the years there were many children who said they could go somewhere with us when I knew for a fact they hadn't asked their parents. And there were parents who told their kids they could go somewhere with us without even checking with ME.

The neighbor you are talking about isn't taking her part of the responsibility for this. If her kid asks her if he can go somewhere with you, she shouldn't tell him yes without checking with you first.

I think you'll just have to ignore her annoyance and say, "I'm sorry if he's so upset that he's sobbing, but I didn't invite him to go to the park with us this time. I didn't send him home to ask you if it was okay. I told him he could play when we got back. Maybe what we should do from now on is talk directly with each other about this. If I want to invite him along, I will call you and ask you first. That way, if you're doing something else, no one has told him he can go and he won't get upset. If he comes and asks you if he can go somewhere with us, call me first to confirm if I've invited him. That way, you won't tell him yes when I didn't even know he was asking you. I think that's the best way for us to do it."

That's pretty rational, not out of line, and if THAT annoys her, oh well, she's the one putting up with a sobbing kid, not you.
She certainly has the option of taking her own kid to the park.

Anyway, that's what I would do.

Best wishes.

stand your ground. pushy people don't like other people's boundaries, but this is exactly why you need them.
you can be courteous but firm with her. 'when i'm doing something with my kids, i don't always have to include your children. when they're welcome i'll let them know, and when they're not i'll be clear about it. beyond that it's up to you to deal with them.' and insist that NOTHING ever happens that involves her children unless the two of you speak personally beforehand.
the annoyed responses will probably continue until she figures out that you mean exactly what you say. then she'll either realize that it's well worth it for her to communicate with you on your terms, or she'll be pissy and keep her kids away from you all.
either way, you're out of the uncomfortable place.
stick to your guns.
khairete
S.

You keep on doing what you're doing. You can't control her reactions or her son's reactions and it's not your responsibility to keep from hurting her feelings when it's HER fault that it keeps happening.

I am so proud of you for standing up to her. She is a user and KNOWS what she is doing. I really believe that. She is trying to wear you down because most nice people would stop telling her no.
Keep doing what you are doing. Your kids should be told not to tell her kids your plans because it hurts their feelings and we don't want to do that. Plus, as a family, you NEED time together.