Neighbor Inviting Kids to Religious Activity Without Asking Me

I think it's odd you want them to ask you first. They invite the kids and the kids come ask permission. You say yes or you say no. Why does this bother you?

Parents don't call me first when a kid wants one of my grand kids to spend the night or something. They ask the kid and then the kid comes and asks me. I'm not their social secretary, they can say no thanks if they don't want to but if they do they can ask me. If they can they can and if not I say no.

Honestly, taking religion out of it completely - an adult should be asking the PARENTS if the kids would like to come. It's just not OK to invite kids without adult permission, PERIOD. Religion isn't even on the radar with this.

We invite many of my kids friends to join us in a large variety of activities, church and otherwise, and we always ask the kid first. The kids then ask their parents if they can participate, if they are interested. That is how we have always done it and it is how it was done when I was a kid as well.

ETA: For those who are concerned that their kids may be disappointed when they have to answer no, kids need to learn to deal with disappointment!

Well, don't your kids need permission from you, or at least a ride to attend, pretty much anything, religious or not?
Not sure why this is a "problem" because you are the mom, and YOU decide where they go and what they do.

How old are your kids? If she's asking a 5-year-old, then IMO that's out of line, because they are too young to agree to any outing. If she's asking a 12-year-old, that seems more appropriate.

FWIW, for me, the religious aspect would make no difference at all.

I think f this just like any other invitation our daughter was given. Not many people called me to tell me they were inviting our daughter to birthday parties or sleep overs. They just had their children send out the invites or call, especially once she was in school.

Yes, sometimes people mentioned church events, or other school carnivals. Then our daughter would mention it to me or ask me if she could attend.

I would just politely decline, or I would graciously accept. You will just need to remind your child that just because she has been invited, you will need to be the one to decide if you can give permission.

FYI, we are not church goers but our daughter attended activities at different churches with her friends. Over all she said they were fun. Vacation bible school, plays, carnivals, volunteering. Etc..

She just liked spending the time with her friends. She never felt judged or pressured.

If she's just mentioning fun activities at the church and asking if they'd like to go (presumably with her kids), I don't see that as a huge big deal. Especially if you're all the same religion (which I'm sure your kids have mentioned at some point or other). I would assume she is also telling them to ask their mom if it's okay to go, right? If your kids are playing with her kids, she may see your kids more often than she sees you, and that's the reason they're getting the invites directly. If it really bothers you, just say something like, "Hey, Nancy, I appreciate that you're wanting to include the kids in the fun youth group activities at your church. How nice of you! But since we are so busy, I hate having to disappoint the kids by telling them we already have something else planned during that time, when they have their hearts set on going to both things. In the future, would you mind running it by me first before mentioning it to the kids? That way I can check the calendar before they get their hopes up." That shouldn't offend her, and solves the problem.

Does she do thus with other activities (non religious) as well? I'm not so sure that's unique. I remember many, many times growing up when a friend or a friend's mom would invite me to something. I would have to check with my mom first, but I think lots of people talk to the kids first.

If she only does this with activities related to the church group, keep in mind that evangelization is very big in lots of churches, and a popular philosophy is get the kids and the parents will follow.

For many churches, the biggest reason to have Vacation Bible School is to get the parents via the kids.

I know it bugs you, but your kids are going to be invited to so many things without your knowledge. This is a great time to set the stage ... Mom always has the final say.

Does it bother you that she asked them to attend a religious activity or just asked them instead of you? And what are the ages of your kids?

Throughout school, my kids both came to me innumerable times asking if they could go to this or that with so and so. I don't know that this is really different than your child bringing home a b-D. party invite. Should that invite go to you first? You also say you're the same religion so it doesn't seem like a giant leap to think this is something they may want to attend.

I think it depends on the age of the kids and whether the invite is from the mother to your kids or her kids to your kids. If your children are young, then all invites should come mother to mother. If your children are older, then it is perfectly fine for her kids to issue an invitation to your kids to join them in an activity. It is up to you to decide whether or not your kids can go. If your kids are not interested, they can politely decline or tell them your family has other plans.

I would simply tell her, "Hey, I'd appreciate it if you'd ask me about things before offering activities to my kids."
Simple.

I always find it rude for adults to invite my kids or offer something to my kids without mentioning it to me first. It's not so rough now that they are older.... but when they are younger it can be hugely disruptive to get a kid excited about something and make the parent into the bad guy when they say no. Just rude to ask a kid directly first.
And that's pretty much how I would present it (nicely of course) to your neighbor. It really has nothing to do with it being religious. I'd feel the same way if it was "do you want to go to the movies on Friday?" Ask the parent, so that if the answer is no, the kid doesn't get their hopes up and then crushed with disappointment. It's just good manners.

It would annoy me on many levels, and there are several variables.

If the kids are too young, then there should be none of this at all. I wouldn't want my kids making me the 'bad guy" for saying no to anything - whether it's church or Chuck E. Cheese or a party or the movies. If we have something else on the schedule, I want to decide on whether it's appropriate, fun or convenient. Or all 3.

If the kids are too young to be relaying accurate invitations at all, then it's inappropriate due to their age.

Religion adds another layer. If there is an evangelical component to this (as someone mentioned below, rope in the kids and the parents will follow, or "let's convert the undecided"), then there's an entirely new aspect to the inappropriateness. It's manipulative and deceptive.

I think I'd start on the lowest level - tell the mom you'd appreciate it if all invitations came through you since there are potential conflicts in both scheduling and interest level. You don't want to be the bad guy if it's not something you can let them participate in, and you don't want them to be put on the spot every time about saying no to something that doesn't interest them. Tell her you appreciate her welcoming and inclusive attitude, but you'd like her to respect your role in determining their activities and schedules. I don't think you have to open it up to a big discussion about religion unless and until she says that's her overriding purpose. I'd handle it as a "protocol" and "parenting" issue first, of having adults handle adult things.

So NOT ok. I would likely swallow my annoyance the first time and just say to her - X, we have lots of things to juggle in our schedule, so I would appreciate your discussing any plans with me prior to talking with the kids. Otherwise, they may be disappointed when we have a scheduling conflict. If it happened again, I would have to discuss the real overstepping issue, but hopefully this would resolve the problem.

ETA: I am not concerned the kids will be disappointed. This just seems more polite than pointing out that she is overstepping and evangelizing to MY kids and how not ok that truly is.

Honestly this isn't only an issue about religious events (although that's the issue you're having with her specifically), she shouldn't be inviting your children anywhere without checking with you.

Since you clearly don't feel totally comfortable with her (otherwise you'd have already handled this and wouldn't be posting), I'd say go the more general rather than religious route on this.

"Hey ____. I really appreciate you being so inclusive with the kids. In future, though, I need you to run invitations by me first. Otherwise creates an situation of you offering them something they haven't been given permission to do by their parents." You could leave the last sentence out or not... some people need to know what your problem is, some people get their feelings hurt when they hear they've caused a problem.

HTH

If someone was inviting my young kids to religious activities without clearing it with me first, I would be livid.
Until she was old enough to make such decisions for herself, her religious education was MY responsibility, not that of the neighbor, or even other family members.
Just tell her that while you know she means well by inviting your kids to come with her, they are not interested.
Or, depending on the age of your kids, you could just tell them to say, "No thanks."

I know what you mean.
It's not so much that it's a religious activity as it is this Mom appears to want to try to do an end run around you to get to your kids.
That's just pushy and it's not polite.
That your kids don't want to participate this time is just lucky.
Otherwise they'd be whining at you so you'd give permission.
Just be busy with other things - sports, dance, scouts, etc.
Maybe you can ask HER KIDS a few times if THEY want to come with YOU.
Let's see how this Mom reacts if her kids want to bail on the church activity to do something else.
Maybe she'll knock it off after that - but it's possible she's just clueless.

I don't see the invite any different than other invites the kids get. If your kids are interested you approach neighbor for specifics. They're not. If she were to approach you just explain that their schedules are rather full and you like to keep a few down days, or they're not interested. No biggie.
I would be crazy if every invite had to come through me first!!
I don't have a problem with people inviting my kids to church/church related events. I grew up in a catholic family, but we didn't attend church. I would have lost out if my parents hadn't let me go to friends churches. It was a good learning experience. And they wanted me to make my own choices regarding to religion-I wouldn't be able to do that without some exposure.
I do have one neighbor that is an elder at his church. When we first moved in he gave us a lot of flyers and talked to all of us about how great it is and activities planned. I just let him know we found a church closer that we feel fits us. End of story.

Or could it just be that there's an activity, say a fall fair or open house event, that she thinks the kids might like? Many local churches have Easter Egg hunts and my daughter is routinely invited, nevermind that she's not Catholic (for example). We were invited to a friend's church's VBS. DD went one year and it was too big for her liking, so we bowed out the year after. No biggie.

If you want to talk to the parents, you say that you would rather all the invites for events to come through you, as you feel put in a bind when the kids think they can go and it hasn't been cleared through the adults. (Same with any invite.) You can cite family schedule. You can also tell the kids that they can be invited (to anything), and that's fine, but they shouldn't think they are going til it's passed through you. As kids get older, they are likely to be invited directly. My SD learned to check the weekend rotation before RSVPing to a party, because she had to verify it was OK with the parent she was going to be with.

I wouldn't be offended at the invite. If the kids don't want to go or can't go, then they won't go. That's how RSVPs work. You just tell the inviter you aren't interested. Enough "no, thanks" and they'll probably stop asking.

This would really make me angry. I would not like it if anyone invited my kids any where unless they asked me first.
If you are not okay with the event whether it be a religious event or going to a movie, asking the kids first is emotional blackmail. If they want to go and you don't want them to ... I can just hear it "Mommy pleeeeease..."

You need to have a talk with this neighbor and tell her she is not to invite your kids any where until she clears it with you and if you say no then she needs to accept your decision.
In my opinion she is disrespecting you as the parent.

She probably assumed the kids would ask you. If you're not comfortable with your kids being approached directly for things, say, "Thanks for invitations, actually, if you don't mind, wires get crossed through kids, could you ask me directly please?"

Don't make it about church even if that's the sticking point for you.

Empower your kids to say no. And you need to learn to say no, as well, if you feel uncomfortable saying to her, "Would you mind checking with me first before inviting my kids somewhere? Thanks."

I'm still a little unclear as to how this all transpired.

So your kids are not friends, do I have that right? You said part of her motivation could be where they are in the same age group, they might become friends?

Or is she just well meaning and thinks your kids would enjoy it too, and is simply asking if they are interested?

I'm a little fuzzy on how this went down :)

My personal opinion would be that if I wasn't very familiar with a family, and they invited my kids to take part in something they were involved with (regardless of what it was), I would likely appreciate it if they approached us as a family - so that I was given the opportunity to ask questions about the group and activities and so on.

It's just a little unusual I would say.

If you're not at all interested, (from the way she approached this or because it's not a church you would attend) I would just say that your family's not interested in any of these activities, but thank you.

What types of activities? If they're 'religious', then she should run it by you first. If they're just 'fun', I don't see the harm in her asking them (assuming they'll ask you).

A lot of friends attend a church very close to our home. It is not our denomination. We don't attend religious services there, but we've participated in may 'fun' activities (they encourage community outreach) like: Mom/Son movie night (Lego Movie), Upwards Basketball, Easter Egg Hunt, etc.

How old are your kids? This is a missing piece for me.

If my kids were 16 years old, I'd say this was their call, but I'd like to talk with them about it to make sure they weren't being pulled into anything that didn't feel right to them. If my kids were 10, I'd want to be asked. Still, it's YOUR call.

Is the issue that it seems like a church or church-affiliated activity? Then, my questions are - is it an aggressively evangelical denomination? Do you know for sure that it's not just a community activity held at the church? We have events at our church that aren't remotely religious and I'd feel at ease asking folks to join us for those without really thinking about it being at the church (though maybe I should).

Or is it the issue that you are being by-passed?

Is it both?

Being by-passed is age dependent for me (but again, you are the Mom, you get to decide). The other issue could be a problem at any age.

I don't see any problem with you asking her to run it by you 1st. You can always tell her that it helps keep you from looking like the bad guy if you've made other plans for your family.

Good luck!