Neighbor Having a Hard Time with Bfing...

I think the only way is for her to understand that everything has benefits and drawbacks. Yes there are amazing benefits to breastfeeding. There are also drawbacks to the stress this is creating. You want to breastfeed to bond yet all the struggling is causing less of a bond than if you have bottle fed from the get go. Does that make sense?

I would ask her what does she hope to get by kicking the dead horse (use prettier terms) and does she realize what she will gain by letting go of her idea of perfect.

as a HUGE person myself, i had to squeeze my boobs with one hand to make the nipple areola area look like a taco. baby was then able to grab onto that peice and suck. it's very hard to understand but it worked. once baby is a month or two older maybe she will have better luck. another option is to get a nipple sheild and maybe baby can grab ahold of that better. fenugreek can help her milk come in more and maybe with that baby won't have to work as hard. another option is to just tone it down a bit. maybe only try a couple times a day and forula the other until baby gets a better hang of it. then she can slowly go back to breast only.

My biggest problem when I had trouble breastfeeding was the LCs. The way the spoke to me and the things they said made me feel like a failure and that it was all my fault that it was so difficult, and the guilt was overwhelming. I went through the same roller coaster as your neighbor. When I stopped seeing LCs and began to realize that my baby was happier being formula fed and I was happier without all the stress. I had milk production issues, so pumping wasn't even an option for me. If she is able to pump and give her daughter breastmilk I think that's wonderful and if she has to go to formula that's okay too. If you want to PM me, I'll send you my email address and you can have your neighbor email me. I don't know if you can make her feel less guilty, it will be something she will have to discover on her own, but if she wants someone to talk to about it that's been there, I'll be happy to email her.

Has she actually talked to an expert about this? A lactation consultant? I know you mean well, but she might need some very solid professional advice and guidance. Can you give her the number for llli?

Or direct her to www.llli.org?

ETA: Then, R., as well intentioned as you are, you still can't really "do" anything to make her "feel" any way.
Just be her friend.
The most important thing is to FEED her baby. Not HOW she feeds her baby.
Formula is not poison. And...if she can continue to pump, I don't see how that could ever be perceived as failure, right?

Her job is to raise a healthy infant and be sure that child is feeding. Whatever works is what will make her a good mom. Her value as a woman is not defined by her breasts and milk. Every child is different and has different needs. She has no control over this issue, any more than she had control over when she went into labor or whether the baby was a boy or a girl.

A lot of women feel similar feelings over having a c-section, that it's "not natural" or they are less of a woman because they couldn't do a vaginal birth.

Bottle feeding allows the dad to participate and allows the baby to bond with both parents over such a primal issue - food. It allows them to take turns getting up at night, and allows the mom to get some sleep. The baby needs more food at each feeding, and she will sleep longer if she is more full.

I started out nursing but had to stop due to decreased milk and a breast infection. It was missed by the nurses (my pedi was away for a week and the on-call didn't know me). I felt badly about not nursing, but I felt a lot worse when my baby wasn't gaining weight. It could become serious if she doesn't deal with this.

She needs help for her hormones and her husband needs to be supportive as they transition to a new way of doing things. He needs to reassure her of her femininity and her worth as a mother and make it less about how annoyed he is that she has no other life.

Oh, this brings back so many memories. I was very much like your friend. My daughter could NEVER seem to get the hang of latching on. It didn't matter what we tried, and we tried EVERYTHING it seems. We worked with lactation consultants (multiple) and implemented every idea they had. Couple that with the fact that I wasn't producing much milk at all and it was pretty much a recipe for frustration.

I remember telling a friend of mine that I felt like a failure as a woman because my body wouldn't do what it was designed to do.....I couldn't produce enough milk to feed my child AND what little I could produce I had to bottle feed her because I couldn't get her to latch on. I dreaded every feeding!

After much trying, I had to accept the fact that it just wasn't going to happen for us. I felt like I had done everything I could and that I had to move on to other options. It was HARD to accept, but honestly, it was the best thing for us. After coming to terms with it, I realized how much happier and less stressed BOTH my daughter and I were. Feeding times became what they were supposed to be......peaceful and bonding for us.

I'm not sure how to tell you to get your friend to that place of acceptance, I think we all have to get there in our own time. I think all you can do is continue to be a great friend to her and let her know you are there for her. Keep reminding her what a good mom she is and that it is not a failure in any way.....it is what it is.

Trust me, she'll have plenty of people telling her that she hasn't tried hard enough, or have you tried this, or have you tried that......or my personal favorite....anyone can breastfeed if they try hard enough. YES, I actually had a complete stranger tell me that in public when I was feeding my daughter a bottle!! You being there to combat that and let her know that she is not a failure, or a bad mom, will mean more to her than you know!!

You are being a wonderful friend to her by just wanting to help her. All you can do it to continue what you are doing and be as supportive as possible.

Right now she's in the baby blues, so this probably really overwhelms her. She's lucky to have you there for her. Just be there and allow her to continue to express how it is making her feel, and she will get through this. Sounds like the pumping is working and as long as baby is getting fed, that's all that matters. And whether it comes from a bottle, or her breasts, baby knows 'mama' is there to feed her. She can smell her, feel her hands caressing her as she drinks her milk, and feel the love that comes from her very essence from her touch. That's one other way you can encourage that she is not a failure. Bless her heart.
Hope this helps. :-)

Big breasts is usually not a deal breaker for nursing... her infant (and her mouth) will grow larger very soon. I'm sure her stress level and her husband's frustration with her about the breastfeeding is not helping her at all.

She needs to tell the husband to either be happily supportive or the back the EFF up. She needs to not worry about cleaning the house, making dinner, etc until she is able to get things stabilized with her newborn.

You should tell her to attend the local meetings of the Le Leche League where Moms of all kinds can give her support, motivation, a shoulder to cry/vent on and share their experiences. Maybe you can look up the closest one for her and also supply the phone number of the Leader.

She also needs to know pumping is fine but the baby bottle nipples are larger than her own. The whole breast doesn't go into the baby's mouth, just the first 2 inches of the nipple and areola. Breast size means nothing.

She should be proud of her self for trying to hard in the first place. A lot of moms would give up and go straight to formula.
She also should get huge compliments because she DIDN'T go to formula.
She is still feeding her lil one the breast milk.
Is it possible that maybe her breast are too big right now because of the surge or milk??
Its very possible that in a few days- weeks her boobs could slow down a little and it would work.
I know you said no suggestions for breastfeeding, but I feel for her!!
When my 1st was born i had no one to teach me the right way to BF. Also my breasts got SO swollen that my nipples inverted. Which made my son NOT be able to latch on.
OH it was HORRID.
I keep at it though, i wouldn't let myself give up.
It was literally over 3weeks of me TRYING and TRYING
No my baby wasn't starving, he would latch on sometimes, just took FOREVER.

On thing i realized with my 2nd was that I needed a breastpump.
When my milk came in and breasts got all swollen, i would use the pump to lessen the amount of milk. That way my nipples weren't inverted so much that my 2nd baby couldn't latch.

Could be worth a try for her to BF after she pumps for a little.??

R.:

you are sooo sweet to care for your neighbors this way!!!

I would suggest that she just pump and bottle feed her child. The stress she is creating for herself is not going to help her or her baby...since she's had lactation consultants come in and try to help and her mouth is just too small...she should consider pumping and bottle feeding...

She is NOT a failure.. you need to tell her this over and over...she tried. She can still give her baby the best by bottle feeding what she pumps - this would take out a whole lotta stress for her...and as all of us Breast Feeding mama's know - stress is the #1 reason we don't get our milk supply up...

SHE IS NOT A FAILURE!!! Just keep on telling her that!!!

She's not a failure. She's a mom. And she and her child are learning. I would encourage her to talk her her LCs and discuss things like nipple shields (both my sister and I use/d them) and supplemental nursing systems. Or suggest she find a La Leache League group so she can hear from OTHER moms what's what. I personally found it got a lot easier after the first couple of months, but I also was not dealing with a preemie.

There are many levels of breastfeeding. Some do it FT, some PT, some pump exclusively. My sister has a preemie son and is doing some bottle feeding of pumped milk and some nursing. One of my friends, who encouraged ME, could not nurse her 3rd child. Child never got the hang of it and 3-4 months in, friend switched her to formula. Friend was devastated. She tried so very hard. When she came over one day with a bottle I just gave her a hug because I knew how hard that choice was for her. It does not make her a bad mom.

When I worked and DD was a baby, I pumped for work. It helped me feel connected to her. Maybe say that she has a lot of choices, but she is not a failure and everybody has their own solutions. She is STILL providing for her sweet girl and that is admirable. She is not less of a woman. She is MORE of a woman for trying to find solutions and taking care of her child. Pumping exclusively or almost exclusively is huge.

Here's a list of links about exclusively pumping if it would help to slip it to her: http://www.kellymom.com/bf/pumping/bf-links-excpumping.html

I completely understand your neighbor's issues. My baby girl was small (with a very small mouth), and I had HUGE breasts. And by huge, I mean 36L. I was an experienced breastfeeding mother (I nursed my son with no problems- he was a much bigger baby). She tore my poor nipples up. I ended up getting mastitis 10 days in, which was MRSA. The meds eventually forced me to quit breastfeeding anyway, but I was pretty much done after torturing myself for 4 weeks. Also, when you are as big as she and I are, forget pumping effectively. The do not make nipple shields for size L cups or large nipples. I would get some out with a pump, but it wasn't ever comfortable. The shields were just too small, and I had the largest size made.
I think our society put so much pressure on women to breastfeed, that when it doesn't work, we feel horribly guilty. Like we are harming our children by giving them formula! That's just insane, and anyone that thinks that about formula has some serious issues in their head. I advocate women that feed their babies- whatever means they find fit. :)
Once I started feeding my daughter formula (and got over the guilt that was short-lived anyway-lol) I felt so much better- like a weight had been lifted off of me. My husband could help out- even my son enjoyed feeding her. And she was as happy as a clam! Let her read this, and tell her to give herself a break. Being a mom is hard enough without all that unnecessary pressure.

Did she try a nipple shield? My son was 7 weeks early and that's what I used and we were able to eventually get it down pat. It was a long hard road-he wouldn't latch, thrush, mastitis, overproduction.... It took a few months and lot's of hard work. At 2 months old it isn't necessarily too late.

As far as what to tell her-if she wants to pump then baby is still getting all the wonderful benefits of BM. And then she can try BFing once a day and maybe her baby can start nursing as she gets bigger.

And if she can't pump then she should look around at all the healthy babies on formula and know that even though it's not her first choice that her baby will be ok.

And lastly, just because BFing was hard with this baby it doesn't mean future babies will have an issue. My 2nd and 3rd baby were nursing within 10 minutes of being born :)

Best of luck to her!

First of all, she is not a failure! She is to be applauded for sticking with it – too often nowadays people give up at the first sign of difficulty! I am a firm believer in Breastfeeding is best, but I also believe that it does not work for everyone (that’s one reason they used to have wet nurses!). She needs to do what is best for her and her daughter.

She needs to decide how important it is to her that she Breastfeed and how much effort she is willing to put into it – it’s a job and it’s not always easy. I know! I had 3 babies, all prematurely (31 wks, 36 wks & 36 wks) - Only my middle child nursed without difficulty. My 1st took 3 months to get the hang of it and I pumped everything she ate. She was only 4lbs 9oz when she was born and only 5 lbs when she cam home from the hospital. She was born in October and it was not until January (after the holidays) that she got the hang of it and would actually nurse. My last one was big, but hypotonic (low muscle tone) and it took him 5 months before he got it & I pumped exclusively for him too.

I know you said not suggestions for BF, but her story sounds so similar to mine, that I thought it might help to know she is not the only one.

Tell her that if she wants to do this, patience and persistence are the key and it will eventually happen. Here’s what worked for me - pump and have a bottle ready. I would then feed a bit from the bottle so the baby is not ravenous and then once they had a little in their belly, offer the breast, and then finish off with the bottle to make sure they have enough to eat. Tell her not to do this when she is stressed and rushed. Do it in a quiet room with no distractions and give the baby your full attention. Be calm, relax & don’t stress!! They can feel your tension and react accordingly.

Good-Luck to her, but most importantly, tell her to enjoy her precious little one and not stress about how she is getting the nutrients in to help her baby girl grow & thrive! She is a GREAT Mom!!!

All I can say is that I struggled through trying to BF both my kids and was successful with neither one! I remember feeling like a failure the first time too. I cried my eyes and felt like I was depriving her of what was best. Felt horrible. Unfortunately, I don't know I have too many words of advice. I just had to experience not breastfeeding and realizing that I was still a good mom. And, like you said, with the stress of trying to BF removed, I was so much less stressed--happy mom, happy baby! Once we didn't have the constant pressure of trying to BF, it allowed me to bond better with my kids!!

Just encourage her as much as you can and let her know she's not alone. There are others of us out there who have struggled with BFing, but our kids are turning out just fine! She's not a failure. She's a dedicated mom who wants the best for her child. :)

I would talk to her hubby. Granted, a woman might make more sense since she's "been there" but if you don't feel she's listening to you, she'll listen to DH. I'm concerned she might be developing some post-partum depression and this can greatly impact how frustrated she already feels. But one of her quotes - "makes me feel like less a woman" just indicates to me that she isn't trusting herself as a mom. I had severe post-partum with both my boys. I was hospitalized for a week w/ my first. So I'm probably a little sensitive... But tell her hubby exactly what you wrote - you said everything perfectly in your post. Happy mom = happy baby. She isn't "failing" at BF - she has tried everything. Baby is healthy and formula isn't the end of the world. It's more important that she bond with her baby than continuing this upsetting cycle just to BF. I wish her well. And kudos to being such an amazing neighbor! It makes me so happy to hear of moms helping moms. So many times moms are judgemental of each other...we're all just trying to do our best, ya know? Blessed be.

I didn't have any problems w/ big breasts, but I did have trouble breastfeeding our second son. I felt like a failure too. He just wouldn't latch on at all. So I pumped for the first 3-4 monthes of his life. I also had a toddler who just started walking good, and it got to be too much to pump and chase him at the same time. And yes it was a stressful time for my husband and I, but we knew the benefits our son was getting so we worked through it. :) I hope things get better for her. Just keep encouraging her.

I struggled for five months trying to BF my daughter. I figured out 18 months later, while watching Mr. Rogers of all things, that I don't have a letdown reflex. I think my mother had that situation, too, because she struggled to BF my eldest brother. The more my daughter cried, the more I dried up. I got a lot of criticism from my husband because I pumped all of the time, and criticism from everyone else because my sister-in-law nursed very easily. I was criticized for giving my daughter that formula junk.

Bottom line, when I gave up trying, my daughter and I were much happier. A lot of us were fed formula and we turned out fine. Also, I tasted my milk, I thought it was very acrid. It may have contribuletd to her pseudo-colic.

What matter is that everyone is happy and healthy and not over-tired. And there are many ways to achieve that.