Vacation to Houston to see family for 5 days. Hubby calls it our family vacation as we both are very busy. I agreed so long as we got away together for a day as our own family unit. Two kids...youngest is 12 weeks and oldest is 3. Well so far we have done nothing together as a family unit. We got here and it's been what his sister has wanted to do with her children even though they live in the area. Put put golf. Walk along the shoreline. Her kids softball and tball games. And much of this I cant do outside with a 12 week old. So i've been left behind a lot. I asked hubby when we would spend this day together as I thought it was our family vacation as well. He called me negative and walked away. I am seriously considering calling it quits. We've had a terrible past together and I though things were on the up and up. But it still seems he hasn't realized that it'simportant for us to do things together as our own family unit as opposed to always with others. Am I overreacting? When at home we don't do much together as we are both so busy, but what gives? What hubby wouldn't want to get away with his wife and kids and do something family oriented with just as...as agreed upon? Aquarium? Children's museum? Dinner later? I don't ask for much. And I could actually take our litte one...being outside at games hasn't really worked to well with the weather so i;ve been left behind almost daily. This has happened before. i am seriously considering calling it quits. We do nothing as our own family unit and event hough i've expressed this as a problem it continues to happen.
Look...I asked him for a day as a family. He agreed. It hasn't happened. Our vacation was for us to do stuff yet his sister made it their stuff. That's the problem. One day out of five isn't much to ask. He didn't honor his word. Also, when I say strained past I mean it. He spit on me and called me a b word when I was 38 weeks pregnant all because I wanted him to fix the kitchen sink for running water so I wouldn't have to bend over the tub to wash dishes anymore while kitchen was being updated. We've had problems. They aren't getting better it seems. And this was our vacation to stay with his family. Not include them in every outing. They offered up their home for us to stay in.
"He spit on me and called me a b word "
Once, in jest, my husband's best friend of 15 years called me the b-word. My husband only heard that part and not the context, and he was ready to end his friendship in the spot.
If my own husband called me names, that would signal the end. I value myself too much to put up with that kind of disrespect from anyone. Men that cherish their wives do not spit on them.
I don't know all your issues but if I had a dime for every time I wanted to leave my husband when my kids were really young, I'd be rich. And vacation when kids are that age are not vacation... Nothing is easy and everyone is tired. Well, adults are tired. Not saying your husband shouldn't set time aside if it's impt to you but hang on for another couple of years. My husband and I get along soooo much better now and actually are happy. Try to get a date night away when you're back home. It may be your husband finds it not too fun to be out with a 3 yr old and infant and wanted his family's help. Not cool but kind of typical guy.
I think Pam R really said it well. This is such typical behavior of newer fathers with younger children.
When our kids were that age, I often had to remind my husband that he needed to spend time with us. He would tell me he was tired or stressed from work or the kids didn't really care and what difference did it make. One of our big bones of contention was that he didn't get home from work until 6:00 or 6:30 and he'd want to go work in his shop because that was his way of unwinding. Then he'd come back to the house around 8:30 or 9:00 and not understand why the kids were already in bed, since he was ready to play with them. Crazy!
From your post it sounds a little bit like you were waiting for him to say, "Ok, I'm ready for our family day." I've done that. I've told my husband I had a lot of work to do on a weekend and it would be great if he could watch the kids for a couple of hours. Then the weekend would be gone and he still hadn't taken the kids. Turns out, if I need him to take the kids, I also need to plan it out and say something like, "I need you to watch the kids on Saturday from 2 to 4."
As Dr. Phil says, "You have to put the dots REALLY close together." In other words, don't wait on him. Plan something and say, this is what I want to do. You want to make sure you can change your plans a little bit if he has a valid reason, but you probably need to be more assertive and just take the bull by the horns.
Our kids are now 4 and 7 and it has gotten so much easier. We communicate better, and he's done a better job of recognizing his role as a husband and father.
Talk to him about it but also recognize that you can take charge.
I read your SWH on your other question, and I have to disagree with you on one thing. There's nothing wrong with taking a 12 week old outside in any weather - ok, maybe not 30 below 0 windchill. But really, you wouldn't be hurting your baby if you went out with the family. You're just hurting yourself staying inside and not joining in on the fun. Baby will be just fine!
I went through a somewhat similar experience to what you have described. No other issues in the marriage, but for a while, every single time we went away for "vacation" it seemed to include a ton of extraneous family (almost always "his" side).
Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE his side of the family, dysfunction and all. But if we made plans to go do something (whitewater rafting, for example) that was within driving distance of his family (within 2 hours of them), we would end up inviting "whoever wants to join us" to join us and ended up altering our plans to stay in their town instead of where we were going to stay... or to get a joint place instead of just our place. Which ordinarily is not a big deal... but once in a while, when on vacation, I'd kinda like to be able to just me and him decide what/when/where we are going to do/eat/see/drive and what schedule to be on while we're at it. Instead, every single thing became something where a group consensus needed to happen, and since my husband is the "peacemaker" type, we always were conceding to everyone else's needs/choices. Not what WE would have chosen if it had just been us.
Right down to eating at expensive places for lunch (with awful food) that our own children were too young to like anything on the menu, so basically didn't eat, or it cost us at least twice what it cost anyone else (who were only paying for themselves).
It was getting ridiculous, and causing tension between US on OUR vacation!
Husband's reasoning? They are family, and why not? Why not foster relationships between our kids and their cousins and great aunts and uncles? The will have memories that include all these people, and will bond the entire family.
Yes... all true. But some of the time, I want the memories to be mine! When we'd go as a family, someone was always hijacking our kids and we weren't seeing them do this or that, or participating with them (we were in another boat, or in another car, etc etc).
However, I was never left behind.
My problem (in your situation) would be that you agreed in advance, and your husband seems to not care about his word to you. If I ever convinced my husband that we should/shouldn't do a certain activity or whatever, he isn't one to go back on that.
As for the rest... I've been there. I get it. But at least try to go along as much as you can. Try to look at it as your kids bonding with their older cousins... not taking away from your family memories. It's hard to do. I know. But the rewards for it come later.
Just this past weekend, we went up to visit family and the entire family got together (as usual). My son's cousin (technically, my husband and his cousin both have sons, so the boys are what... first cousins once removed or something? anyway...) came with his grandparents (my husband's aunt/uncle). They saw each other about 2 months ago for 2 hours over dinner in a restaurant as we passed through town, and prior to that, it has been since at least last summer, probably over a year or more since they've seen each other. They are 14 turning 15.
When we arrived, it was like the boys had never spent a day apart. They are very close and hung out all afternoon like best friends. They just disappeared for chunks of time riding scooters or walking around the neighborhood. Who knows what they talked about... probably family gossip like all the rest of us were doing. LOL
We don't have boy cousins for him on my side of the family... and all the other cousins on husband's side are much younger. These two boys will probably always be close. And that is a direct function of how much time they spent together from the time they were probably 2 years old, at all the family stuff we did when they were younger.
It's quite a blessing NOW.
Try to look for positives... and realize that you are missing an opportunity to get to know your nieces/nephews when you stay behind-- not just for nuclear family memories. Family is bigger than that.
ETA: S., if he's not treating you well, then maybe you should reassess your situation. Not going on an outing during a vacation is one thing, but abusing you and spitting on you is entirely different. It seems like your vacation issue may be the tip of the iceberg?
Oh S., don't let a bad vacation ruin your marriage, life and family. You have a newborn, and you will not be in the best space to make serious decisions. You're probably exhausted, and your hormones will be all over the place.
Sometimes husbands simply don't get it. Ride this one out, and when you're both at home, together, and calm, then talk it out. But while you're emotions are high, and you're tired - write this one off. There will be many other opportunities to get away as a family. But next time, don't stay with others!
I'm a bit confused, as to why you don't take your baby. I have a son and he was born in early summer. I took him everywhere in the Texas heat. You simply have to make sure the baby is eating (well, drinking) enough and you find shade and A/C every so often. Use a stroller or carrier. It's not that hard. I see infants out all the time during the summer. You can't just keep cooping yourself up.
I mean, what do you think people in Texas do? Never go outside with their babies? Ummm....no. It's life as usual. Are you from New York, like your profile says? If so, I get that you won't be used to the Houston weather, but people have survived forever in that weather. It's only in the low nineties!! That's amazing for this time of year!!!!
With that said, schedule something. Tell him, today we are going __________ as a family. No asking, begging, waiting. Just tell him like it is. "I'd like some family time, we are going here, from this time until this time."
I don't think you are overreacting at all- you feel like you guys had an agreement and he broke it. You have every right to be upset.
I think there are a couple of different things going on here. It sounds as though this is the straw that broke the camel's back. By itself, this is certainly something to overcome. But maybe piled on top of many other things that he has done, you are feeling spent and not hopeful anymore. So you really do need to look at the totality of your relationship- but perhaps once you get home and have cooled off. Please don't make a decision while on his turf and while you are so upset.
I don't think it's just the point of the day away, it's that he broke a promise, and it probably feels like what everyone else wants is more important to him than what you want or what you have agreed to. This is a big deal. But being a guy, he probably doesn't see the bigger picture, he just sees that one day is not a big deal.
Once you get back, you need to really think about what you want. If you haven't tried counseling, maybe sign up. If you have or he won't, you need to let him know what you are upset about and what you need for him to do. Guys are fixers- if you don't come at him attacking, but saying how you feel and why, and what he can do to help make this better (and let him know you are willing to hear his needs as well), things can improve. If he completely blows this off and is not listening or willing to change things, well, you have some decisions to make. But please don't give up without knowing that you have given everything you can to healing your marriage.
Good luck!
It can be so hard when the kids are young. Your husband sounds a bit like mine when the kids were that age.
But I refused to be left behind and just took the little one along. We would use the stroller and then pass him around. Aunts and uncles would often fight over who would get to hold him next.
I do get what you're saying. Why not pick a day, plan an outing and say, "We're going!"
Try to enjoy what the larger family is doing. There's no reason a 12 week old can't go everywhere the family goes.
Why can't you go outside with a 12-week old? She's a baby, not a Ming vase. Of course you can take her.
Join in on the fun. Put baby in in a Moby wrap and go. You can and should be a part of things. Speak up and make suggestions about what you'd like to do....and accept tha you'll be doing it as a large group with SIL's family too.
Yes, you're overreacting. Put away your expectations and just try to enjoy the time.
Don't know if he would be into counseling, but it might help you communicate better with each other.
Re. the baby - take the baby out. You can go anywhere you want - there are some great baby-wearing devices (Ergo was my favorite). Don't feel like you can't get out with your little one. I was walking the streets of NYC with my guy, taking the subway, going to museums. They're pretty portable. An umbrella for shade for the baby, plenty of water for everyone, and you should be fine.
You are visiting HIS family right now. When in Rome do what the Romans do.
When you go on a vacation that doesnt include you staying at families house, that will be your private family vacation.
We all have good times and bad times with our husbands and we say and do mean things to each other when things are tough but it doesn't mean u walk away from all we've invested in our families. If your family is worth spending time with it's worth investing more than just if u don't do this one thing then I'm walking away. Men will never think the way we do think of the positives, does he provide for the family? Etc and right down all the positives vs the negatives. Is it annoying when we can't get our way? Of course it is. My husband is the same way he always wants to have a lot of people around is because he grew up with extended family around him all the time while I only had my sister and my mother and it was much less noise. It's different experiences different ideas of what happiness is but u can't say one is better than the other because it's not. He should meet u half way but it depends on how your approaching it if your angry about it he will not be receptive to u. Myself because I believe in prayer because it has a way of changing peoples outlooks, I would pray about pray that your husband puts your needs first and develops an understanding of your needs. Take care.
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We all have good times and bad times with our husbands and we say and do mean things to each other when things are tough but it doesn't mean u walk away from all we've invested in our families. If your family is worth spending time with it's worth investing more than just if u don't do this one thing then I'm walking away. Men will never think the way we do think of the positives, does he provide for the family? Etc and right down all the positives vs the negatives. Is it annoying when we can't get our way? Of course it is. My husband is the same way he always wants to have a lot of people around is because he grew up with extended family around him all the time while I only had my sister and my mother and it was much less noise. It's different experiences different ideas of what happiness is but u can't say one is better than the other because it's not. He should meet u half way but it depends on how your approaching it if your angry about it he will not be receptive to u. Myself because I believe in prayer because it has a way of changing peoples outlooks, I would pray about pray that your husband puts your needs first and develops an understanding of your needs. Take care.
I personally think you are overreacting. This is a trip to visit his sister and they have baseball games to take their children too, they can't just not go because you guys are in town, ya know? They have a commitment to the team to keep...and visiting while watching the nephews play ball sounds like a perfect activity for Auntie & Uncle to do while there, IMHO!
I understand your want to do something as a family unit, I really do...but asking to make time for that while your supposed to be visiting his family might not have been the best timing idea, on both your parts. Your husband obviously wants to spend time with his sister and her family and you really shouldn't be asking him to choose them or you during his visit with them, it's not fair, nor is it nice.
I am sorry you are having a rough time. Could you just be being hormonal? Your baby is still very young?! Maybe you shouldn't make any rash decisions at this moment in time?
Anyway you can buy the baby an umbrella and go along on the outings and try to include yourself and make the most of your trip? After all, you will still be spending time with him while you guys are visiting?
"Demand" a family vacay that doesnt invovle visitng family! Even if its a long weekend! Make the time! Work is overrated :) Memories count, experiences last. Work will always be there.
