Hi ladies! I don't know if anyone can help me feel better. I have finally decided to divorce my husband of 15 years. He is getting papers served today. I cannot believe I am finally going through with it. I have always wanted to do this. We have a 12 year old son, 10 year old daughter and 9 year old son with special needs (language disorder and cognitive issues). My husband has anger issues and is always flaring up about something. I have spent 15 years trying to keep him happy and calm. He has not really been a partner. He is obsessed with golf, he has let the house fall into disrepair (and he is a carpenter on the side) and has neglected his children terribly. They all have a lousy relationship with him. They never want to be with him because he is so difficult. I have been doing everything and I mean everything with the kids for years now. After a brutal argument when he pushed my 26 year old son (from a previous marriage) twice and raised his hand once again to my 12 year old......I decided that I couldn't live like this anymore. Too damaging for my kids. I am wracked with guilt because he does not want a divorce. He says he'll do anythig but then he gets angry and starts his tirades all over again. I have tried my whole marriage to make the situation better and nothing has worked. I think he is threatened by me underneath it all. I told him 2 years ago that I wanted out and he promised to make it better but it is the same. Over the years we have been to 3 marriage counselors. He stops after a few sessions. He does not want to take any blame for his actions. I have been seeing a counselor for 2 years now and I think I have gotten stronger. I am a realtor making no money but I am so relieved to be getting out of this marriage. But I feel so bad for him! That is one of the reasons I have stayed for so long - I didn't want to hurt him because I know in his way - he loves us. He just does not know how to handle life and stress and relationships and showing love. He has a disconnect somewhere.......If anyone out there can offer me any words of wisdom...I would appreciate it!
Thanks!
S.
Congratulations! Take the kids out for dinner and celebrate. Focus on the positive, this is a new chapter in your life. You know in your heart you're doing what is best for you and your children. You also know that you have done everything in your power to make your marraige work, it not your fault he hasn't done the same.
You are doing the right thing. You are not responsible for his anger, but you are responsible for yourself and your children. Be proud of yourself!
Hi S.,
I know how terribly difficult this is as my situation was very similar years ago. I knew I was no longer "in love" with my husband. We had been through so much and damage was done. We divorced and it was the best thing for both of us. We are still and, hopefully always will be, very good friends. That is so important for the well-being of the children. Also, he didn't want a divorce either and, at the time, actually told me he would never forgive me, etc. You need to do what is best for you and your children. Work hard at keeping things as stable as possible for the kids. I have seen some pretty nasty divorces over the years and the kids are caught in the middle. There will be times you want to argue back but you must tell yourself it is imperative you are the bigger person, etc. If he does not want a divorce, the beginning could be very difficult. There is a thin line between love and hate! Stay away from the pitfalls! Good luck!
I hear you say you feel bad for your husband, but not that you love him. It sounds to me that you have done all you can to try to make this work. It's time to do what's best for you and your kids. It may be exactly what he needs to learn how to take responsibility...but be forewarned he may just continue to be angry and blame you for all his misery. Do your best to deflect it and make plans to care for yourself and your kids for the future without his support...and anger. Keep see your counselor to help you through the transition. Sounds like this is a good thing for you even though it's hard to do. Good Luck!
Just because it's a right decission doesn't make it an easy one. He's not willing to change and you and your children shouldn't have to walk around on pins and needles waiting for his next temper tantrum.
