Need Help with New Transition

Updated on March 10, 2007
S.D. asks from La Mesa, CA
6 answers

I need help... I have a 2 and half y/o son and currently his father and I are divorcing. My son is very intituve and knows that things are not quite right even though we are trying to be friendly and not bitter towards each other. He is acting out in anger and is showing a lot of that to his father. I do not want his father to feel bad but in my heart because of thesituation I kind of feel he should of thought of that before he decided being in a family is not what he wants (we are very young he is only 21 and i am 23). So basically i do not know how to comfort my son and how to make sure that he knows we are both here for him and that he is loved. Any advice?

P.S i have recived a lot of great responses but i think my request was unclear. I am not leaving my husband he has decided to leave me and my son. I do not want this divorce and have repeatdly told him that but he has made his descion and will not change his mind.

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M.M.

answers from San Diego on

Are you a stay at home mom? Do you have the time to take classes with him? We are kind of in a similar boat with just my husband is in the military and this is his first deployment away from his kids...son is just turning 4 and daughter just turned 2 and we are due in June and my son took this separation really hard...even with all the explaination we gave him in advance and everything...acting out in anger...yelling in the middle of the night two or three times...not eating...just everything...I realized the only thing that helped was more time with me...just doing things together constantly...even more than you probably already do...going to the pool to swim, museums, more playdates, TONS OF HUGGING AND HOLDING...he needs to know that YOU are a CONSTANT in his life no matter what else is going on...that YOU are ALWAYS there for him...funny...my parents divorced when I was 3 and I still can remember a lot of things...and I do remember wanting to always be with my mom...even ended up sleeping with her a little bit just to make sure she was there at night...a lot of extra love and understanding.

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G.Z.

answers from San Diego on

S.,
I am currently going throught the same situation, but it's been about a year 1/2 now since her father & I have been separated & going throught the divorce proceedings. All I can tell you is to stay honest. My daughter is 3 & she picks up on everything. Just be really careful of what she hears. I mean EVERYTHING literally. Like when you are on the phone with your friends/family or him. Even when you think your little one is just playing & not paying attention to you, your childs ears are very much perked up & he is picking up on your side of the conversation. I know it's EXTREMELY difficult, but try not to be angry or sad too often around him. Even though I think it's okay for them to see you cry once or twice because they kinda realize you are human & mommy is not invinceble. My husband is also the one who came to this decision & I know what you mean when you say he should of thought things through. But in the long run you dont want your child to grow up angry & resentful. I think as he grows up & becomes old enough to realize daddy is the one who left, he will appreciate you for sticking around that much more. I know , I know the whole waiting thing sucks but I guess we just gotta have faith thats its gonna be true. I myself am keeping a journal of everything thats happening & what we're going through. I actualy started it at her birth & wasnt expecting to go through this. But now when she's old enought I will hand it to her & say "hey, here's our little history, good times & bad. See how your daddy was & see how he is". Much love, stay strong. It's not easy especially when we're the ones being left, but be strong for your lil one. Sometime its the only thing that keeps me going!! But it's more than enough.

A.H.

answers from Philadelphia on

I am in a support group called Divorce Care. It has really helped me. If you would like more info on it send me a message or call me @ ###-###-####.

A.

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P.L.

answers from San Diego on

Hello S. D.

You have to know you are making the right decision, I don't know the reasons for you divorcing your husband, you must be honest to your child about his feelings but don't tell him too much unless he ask you about the family situation. Let your child know that you love him and he is not the cause of your problems. Don't separate him from his father --- you and your ex may not get along but he is still the child father.
If the divorce is final and if it is not do not talk bad about his father in the child presence---I know this is hard but as time go on you will be glad that you heeded to my advice. The child will know the truth as time go on. The child must think his dad is the best thing like slice cheese unless the dad does bad things around the child. I think this is enough for now. I need to go eat dinner with my family. So I will talk with you later. By the way in the past I have been divorce and I had to deal with what you are dealing with now. We talk later. Peace, I hope this will help you.

P. A.

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J.P.

answers from San Diego on

IT's great that you son is so intuitive... This makes the sit down conversation that you two need to have easier to bear with. I went through a divorce that was bitter and awful and my boys learned that sometimes mommies and daddies need to go their separate ways but the love for the kids just gets stronger and even expands. Your son needs to know that mom and dad love him and are going their separate ways BUT their love for their baby is STRONG as ever. You can always spiff up the conversation by telling him about the two living spaces and the favorite things he will share with each parent. It's going to be a hard transition but he'll understand, eventually---You just need to trust your gut =) Good luck!!!

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C.T.

answers from San Diego on

Hi
I am a single mother of 4 children and I too am in San Diego. Do you think he would be willing to go to counseling? I bet if he was it would make a huge difference. I think you should research the effects of divorce on children and have him read your research.
As far as comforting your son, I don't think there is too much you can do except love on him always, let him know you are there for him despite all that is going on. My children have been GREATLY affected by the divorce and even though it has been 2 yrs I still don't know any other way to comfort them besides love, patience and understanding. I will be praying for your son, for you and for your husband. God Bless and good luck.

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