Need Help with My 37 Years Old Daughter

Cancel the family plan. She can get a pay as you go phone for very little money. She is an ADULT and needs to carry her own weight.

T., you help her and yourself by saying, "no."

Stop paying her bills, get off the family plan on the phone, and keep your money in the bank. She is 37 and perfectly capable of finding a job and paying her own bills. It is not your responsiblity to make sure her bills are paid, it's her responsibility to create a budget where her income can cover her expenses. And when she can no longer use you for money, she's going to quickly learn to live within her means. Trust me, she will. Even is she has to sleep on a friends' couch for a few weeks, she's going to find a way.

If you feel bad about anything, feel bad that you didn't say no sooner. She's been taking advantage of her sweet mother for WAY too long.

I know it's hard to say no. Because you love her and don't want to see her struggle. But it's the right thing to do to allow her to struggle so she can learn to take responsibility for herself. You can do this.

Like Christy Lee said, you just have to learn how to say no. She WILL figure it out - after all, she is a college graduate! And there is really no reason why should could not have found a job - it sounds like she's been unemployed for several months. If you keep doing and giving to her, she will continue to take and have no real incentive to look for work. Tough love is just that - tough, but it's the right thing to do.

I have a sister like your daughter. My mother covered her for years but she is getting older and has dementia.She too needs to learn to take care of herself and she is almost fifty. I haven't seen my sister in a number of years but sounds like the same story. You have done what you can. You should recommend her to get help for her mental health. In all likelihood, not a lazy person, but mentally ill in some way. She needs to get help and you are trying and trying. But you are her mother.So hard,but keep sending her to wherever you can to get help. The community has services, hospitals can help, our government has lists of places. Contact NAMI. I don't have a number, please google it. That is National Association for Mental Illness. Please do not feel bad anymore. You are a good mom. but she needs more help than you can give her.

I agree with the other posters--at 37, it is LONG past time for your daughter to support herself financially. After all, she worked in a bank, where the accounts had to balance--I'm sure she can find a way to make her expenses total less than her income! She definitely should not have her phone bill paid by you, and you should not be having your expenses go up due to her failure to pay that bill. At this point, it's not an investment, it's enabling her. Good luck with setting that boundary and taking care of yourself.

You think you are helping her, but you aren't really. You are continuing to handicap her by allowing her to wallow in her laziness and take your hard-earned money. You have to say "no", to help yourself as well as her. Cancel the cell phone family plan, don't write her checks, don't listen to her sob story. Get help for yourself with a counselor if you can, to figure out how to renegotiate your adult relationship with your adult daughter. Get help to design a plan to you can stick to and to practice saying what you need to say to her.

i don't know how to give parenting advice for an adult this far past needing actual 'parenting.'
looks to me as if your choice is to continue to enable her or not.
khairete
S.

You need Boundaries: When to say YES, when to say NO, to take control of your life.

http://www.cloudtownsend.com/boundaries/
http://www.cloudtownsend.com/boundaries-for-today/

I found a Boundaries workshop at my local church. I've struggled with this as well. I'm a lot better than I used to be. I've been taking other parenting classes (at my local churches - so helpful). Bible classes. What I have found is that how God spells everything out in the Bible... is what's given me the BACKBONE (I was previously lacking) to do and say what needs to get done. All the glory I give to God.

I want you to practice saying no. And (this is soooo important for you) to say it with a smile and bounce in your step. Say it 1,000 times to yourself and so you are comfortable with it.
"Sorry, honey, I am not paying for your phone anymore."

I want you to be FIRM with the no. (I can't believe I actually wrote that! You have no idea how hard it was for me. Actually you do because you are still living it.) The thing that helped me get there was practicing it and having fun with it. "No. No. No. No. No. What? You didn't hear me? Hear this... No. No. No. No. I love you. No. No. No. No."

Call the phone company and terminate the "family" plan. She isn't part of the family if she isn't contributing anything. She is not a minor. She is a grown woman.

You know this isn't working for you. She should be helping you out, instead she is riding your coat tails. It's really shameful, but that's on her. You need to stop bailing her out. She WILL figure it out. Ignore the sob stories. Let her cry and beg.

Again, if she does, you remain calm and resolute.

I heard a funny story... a man was talking to a friend and he said his son was put on the 18-30 plan. "What's the 18-30 plan?" When you turn 18, you have 30 days to pick a college or join the military. Meaning.... this dad was not going to put up with a son acting irresponsible and mooching off parents. The son chose military.

"I don't know how to help her." The best thing you can do for her right now is to let her figure it out for herself. Do not pay 1 more cent for anything she asks for or needs.

Frankly, if she had to eat noodles for a week because she has no money for food, let that happen. She needs to wake up and grow up and step up. She should be working to HELP YOU OUT. Relieve your burden. This is crazy and upside down.

I wish you could find some friends or a support group to talk to about this. Therapy is so expensive. Ask God to show you how to change this.

You can do it. You can do it. You can do it!!!!

Graphic design is a hard field to get into. It's one of those where you have to know somebody. She needs to consider another career path and not wait to get a job in her field. You need to stop giving her money or limit the amount you give her. You kids are your kids no matter how old so I know its hard to cut the strings but she may need tough love. Good luck.