Need Help with Deployment Issues

I have found that videos of him reading to them before bed or of him doing flash cards or something help wonderfully.

Hey T. C, I know it won't be easy, but being a daughter of a Marine, My mom talked about him all the time and I never forgot who he was. He was in the Vietnam war, so it's been along time. But like they say they will be always a Marine. There was six of us, me being like Jan on the Brady bunch in the middle. I was the only one born at Camp Leguene, NC so I can tell you it won't be easy I am still blessed to have him him still. If you just need to talk please let me know. I also have a daughter who is married to a Green Beret, and who has a 6 month old little boy. I would like for you to let me know how it is, so I can relate it to her, when he has to leave. My name is N. J.

I know how ya feel... Well, there are so many things that'll help. First off, the care package, when you send a care package, let your children help put them together. Let them make little "cards" and letters, help them make it or ask them what they want to say in the letter. Also, send some cards or paper with your husband so he can send letters and notes to you and the kids, have him mail EACH one individually, instead of grouped together, it will make the kids feel so special to me getting mail from their daddy (usually they have free mail if families aren't allowed to where they are deploying to). Also have your husband sent notes home to your 9 month old as well, even though the baby can't really understand the situation, the notes will be so wonderful for him/her to read when he/she gets older. I hope this helps you out!!

~Proud army wife, with a husband deployed to Iraq for at least 15 months. We have three beautiful children :)

Hi. We just went through a 15 month deployment ourselves and I will tell you that it will be tough. However, there are some things you can do...
First, it would be helpful if you both have access to computer/laptop with webcam. Having that visual connection with their dad will help make the voice "real". Try to schedule a regular time (if that is possible) with limited distractions for the kids.
We had a digital camera that also took short videos. My husband would shoot videos and send them through the email. (Or you could get a few extra memory cards and just send the memory cards)
Pictures...and lots of them. Something the kids can carry with around with them.
I also made a daddy blanket for my kids. I took pictures of them with their dad, printed them on fabric and incorporated them into a quilt. Whenever my youngest would feel especially sad, she would cling to that blanket...she still sleeps with it, even though he is home.
For the youngest kids, I know some dads would video tape themselves reading some children stories.
He has to understand, though, not to get frustrated when the kid seem to not want to spend too much time talking to them. My son didn't deal well with his last deployment and didn't really want to talk to him that much at first,but then in the end, he started opening up again.
There are also some good books for you to read to help you through this. "While they're at War" is a good one, for instance.
In the end, I kept myself and the kids busy while their dad was gone, which I see you do aswell. Just be prepared for any emotional/behavioral/school behavior at first. And make sure you let the teachers know that their dad is leaving.
Hope his helps...even just a litte.

One thing that I din't see mentioned in here was a trip or 2, that way your kids aren't focused on daddy leaving but the fact they are going on a fun trip. Since your doing 18 months I would do 3 trips, 6 months apart. Starting right after he leaves, then at 6 & 12. Then when it's time for another trip, Daddy is coming home. Even a weekend trip to the Outer banks or an Amusement park can count. Just leaving town and staying at a hotel with a pool and going to all kid restaurants for the weekend could be fun. You dont have to spend a lot of money but it can still be fun.

My husband actually thought of this!! Our kids were too young to even notice Daddy left last time but from here on out that is my plan. Then my kids will learn to correlate Daddy leaving with a fun trip. They are going to be sad but at least they will have something to take their mind off of it.And you'll be surprised at how fast it goes when your looking at 6 months a few times vs. 18 months.

Good Luck!!!

Have him record on video favorite stories. That way he can read them to him every night. Children love to hear the same stories over and over again, so if he records 7 or 8 now, and then again in a month or so it would help. Other than that try making a scrapbook with the older children. Have the younger ones make little art pictures. Keep pictures of him at levels the younger children can see. These worked for me. Also, family readiness can be a good resource for ways to help you deal, and a they are usually more supportive than you could imagine.

Hope this helps~
K.

T.
I just wanted to say THANK YOU! for your sacrifice and patriotism. Also THANK YOUR HUSBAND. We are praying daily for you and those who are serving our Great Country.
S.

Im 27 with 3 kids and experience similar situations;
you need to find a support team, whether in the community, frg, church.....i use my church as support.
You have to keep it together for your kids and most of all for you husband....believe it or not, your attitude and actions are on his mind about how the home is being handled while in combat. They worry for us, mine prays for me and my children to stay safe.
Your kids wont forget there dad, if webcam and email, phone calls is all you have its better then nothing, you little ones just hearing dads voice, daddy needs to talk to the little ones even though they dont talk he can still talk and get his voice recorded inthere little minds; my middle child was couple of weeks old when she was away from her dad......dad came home she was all over him, then away again, i stayed home with her and she would talk to him on the phone all the time, her first words where hi dad.....why because he would talk to her on the phone and let her know that did is just a call away but would chat and giggle and make noises as if he were holding her in his arms, he was keep updated on every move she would make and our son, you have to keep dad involved in all aspects of your life here at home with the kids, if you went to the park, tell him what you all did, if one finally got potty trained, tell him who it went about, one feel, doctors appt. School events, keep him involved so when he speaks to the kids he can ask questions about the park, school all the events going on. Hope i made sense.....keep strong!! For you kids and your soldier who needs you also.

I would keep pictures handy and show them often. Ask who that is, make sure they know it's daddy. You could have a calendar they mark off everyday to count down til he comes home. One thing I saw I was going to buy for my sister-n-law, it's a clock that keeps time on both sides. You can put a different time on each side. If you could find something like that, or buy two clocks, and set one for your time and one for his. Also, get a globe or look up globes on the internet and show the oldest ones where you are and where daddy is. Try not to let them watch the news, it may just scare them and bring up questions you may not be ready for. Just remind them everyday who he is, show his picture and tell them he loves them. I wish you all the best and will be praying for your whole family.

First I would like to send my blessings out to your family and husband. I would also like to thank your husband for fighting for our freedom and safety here in the US. Like you said phone calls and webcams will be a big help. I would also suggest showing pictures and always talking positive about their Dad, which I am sure you are doing too. You might also want to get into the habit of praying with your children every night before they go to bed. You could also drawn strength from other military moms and get toghter for playdates and activities. You will get throgh this keep praying and keep the faith.

Hey there fellow Jacksonville momma! My husband is also a Marine. Although we have been lucky enough to not be separated that long...we have done a couple of shorter deployments. One which was cut short by an injury. However...I haven't had the time to read all the responses as my son is recovering from a T&A. So I am in and out of the office. Have you ever seen the www.daddydolls.com website? It was started by two amazing military wives. They make soft dolls with dad's picture. They have several other things as well. I do agree, keep the kids busy...but maybe dad can record reading some books for the kids...on each of their levels. Have him write letters to them. One to be opened each month as you count down the months. Also...maybe let them make a scrap book for him of all the things they are doing, and every six months send it to him. Also...if you want...message me privately and I will send you my number if you'd like. Not only would I love to make a new friend, I know a lady whose husband was just gone for a year. Maybe I could get the two of you together.

T., I am also a military wife of 24 years I have found the
www.militaryonesource.com to be a very helpful website for military families dealing with deployment. They have an entire section dedicated to helping children with deployment issues. If you have any problems signing on just call their phone number and they will talk you through it. They are also available on the phone 24/7 in case you ever need anything.

Thsi might sound silly but if you have to borrow or rent one have your husband make a dvd or cd of him reading them bed time stories. Have him read as many as he can fit on the dvd's or cd's, if cd is the only option have a picture of dad or family unit where the child can hold the picture while they listen to him reading them the stories. make it also avaiable to them through out the day so if they want to see daddy they can through the dvd or cd or video's. Dad can also tell them stories about thigns they have done together and about the day they were born. Stuff like that they just eat up. It makes them feel special. And when he can call make sure that they can at least hear him and he tells them he loves them. Helo them to bond with him by making him care packeages like cookies pictures they draw for him and notes they write stuff like that...Blessing and find a wives group to talk with when you need another mother who is facing the same pain of sepration....S.

Dear T.,
as difficult as this will be for you; your children will feel it also. Begin by spending as much time as you and your husband can together UNINTERRUPTED with yourselves and your family! You must explain to your children that daddy has a job to do and that he will miss them dearly. Keep current pictures handy and talk about their feelings. It helps to let them express their feelings because this helps to prevent outbursts in school. After your husband leaves continue this process as it will help all of you.Let them write letters to him. This gives all of you something to look forward to. Have family discussions anytime it is warranted! Take up a hobby for yourself to help ease the pain of separation. I will pray for your husband and family.

Believe it or not, it will probably be hardest on your 9 year old. My husband was gone for a year, & at the time my daughter was 9, my sons were 16 & 3. The 3 year old wasn't too worked up once he got used to the idea that daddy wasn't around for now, & just bounced right back into it when he got home. My husband did not want us to do the web cam thing. He said he saw a lot of guys over there that were just fixated on it & seemed to miss home so much more with that. Everyone's different, it might work well for ya'll. I would make it a family project to take pictures/video of events & let the kids know "we are going to send these to daddy!" They can even make plays or sing songs just for him. Of course, you want to keep the pictures out & talk about him/pray for him daily. If my husband is deployed again, I will send with him a stuffed animal or "Flat Stanley" type cut-out so he can send back pictures of him at different places. We have done the "Flat Family" with a friend from another state & it has been so much fun - I think the kids would get a kick out of doing it with their dad. And you definitely need to have a close friend you can trust with your kids so that you can get a break once in a while, even just to go to a movie or sit at the mall drinking a milkshake without kids!! 24/7 with your kids can wear you down no matter how much you love them & how wonderful they are!! You will be in my prayers - & don't worry, the Lord can bring you through this & as busy as you are, it will go quickly!

Deployments are never easy but it sounds like you are seasoned in this department...You are already actively involved in activities...church is always another good option.

I would have the kids help make dad a "goody" box, where everyone helps take part in writing letters, taking photos, drawing pictures, collages of what they've done that week, and perhaps take them to the store and have everyone help pick out things to send to dad.

It may be old fashioned...but if you have a video camera, perhaps you could go around the house and video tape the kids in their normal routines and send it to your husband...this might help them feel like dad is still a big part of of their lives.

As for you, be sure to take time for you...take a day a week, or whatever it take and get some quality alone time in so you can stay refreshed and make it through. Good luck!

Hi T.,
While I'm not a full time military wife I do know how you are feeling. My husband is Army National Guard and left last June for training in Texas and then on to Iraq. I have 2 sons, one 17 and one 9. The 17 year old didn't seem bothered at all but the 9yo has had a really hard time. For us, what worked best was to keep our routine the same, even if it was something daddy always does with us. For Nick (the 9yo) I also keep a calander so he can mark off days and he knows each day he marks off means dad is 1 day closer to coming home. In Dec. my husband had some serious health issues and was sent to Germany. Even then, in that uncertainty I kept calm and kept the homelife on the same even keel. He is now at Walter Reed Med Center in D.C. waiting to come home (we saw him over the New Year). Depending on what time your hubby can be online, maybe he could help the older ones with homework, or they can show him what they did at school. Before he leaves, have him read some books and record them on video as he reads for the little ones. If they have favorite toys, even record him playing with the toys, they'll enjoy that. You can do this and he'll be home before you know it! Feel free to drop me a line if you ever need a shoulder.

Keep your routine the same when he leaves.

Let Daddy take each of the kids on a "date" to get a Daddy something (bear, blanket, sports gear...)

Encourage a Mommy night with each kid. For example, on Monday is the 9 yr olds night. Tuesday, the 7, Wednesday 2, Thursday Mommy's night. On the designated night, all of the kids, except the date night kid, goes to bed, but the date night kid gets to stay up with Mom for an extra hour. This ensures you are connected when Daddy is gone.

Reach out to others for help. Try to get at least 2 days a month for just you. It may mean shopping without the kids, or maybe a coffee date with a good friend. You may just get rid of the kids and go take a nap. Remember, the best way to take care of your kids with your hubby gone is by taking care of yourself!

Don't over commit! The tendency during a deployment is to fill our lives with things to do to make the time go faster, but don't sell yourself or your kids short.

I am a 28 year veteran, and a single mom. 18 months may seem like an eternity to you and your husband.

For the children's sake, do not change their schedules, keep on scouting,schooling,loving. Do you have a male role model for them (i.e. your father,brother etc)? Keep communications going for them as well as yourself. Let them mail him drawings, photos and report cards. Encourage your husband to talk about the future and quality times with each of the older kids thru letters and emails.

It will be much harder on you than the kids. The military has such an intense support group for families of deployed military. Use your support chain for a break, a play date and group activites to show yourself how many families are going through the same situation that you and your family are.

God Bless

I feel for you. I didn't do an 18 month but 15 and it's long. Our son had just been born so that was tough too. Since your children are older, I suggest Daddy Dolls. ( http://daddydolls.com/index.php ) I would also suggest make videos of your husband doing things with each child - whether reading or playing a sport so when they are in a miss dad funk, you can put in the video and that would help. Make posters of pics of dad and family and post them throughout the house. I know that when my hubby gets deployed again our son will be 2 and I plan on doing these things so he will at least recognize him. I hope this helps.
I apologize if any of this is repeated since I didn't ready other posts.

Hi T.,

I can help you with a few things and your local post has many organizations with ideas also.

Try starting a scrapbook for Daddy to see when he gets home. Sending boxes with little things in them every couple of weeks. Putting his picture in every room, especially in the kitchen and children's rooms. Have the sports or girl scout groups do something to send to Daddy. Most of all stay happy and upbeat yourself; they feed off your emotions.

Just a few ideas; hope they help or help you think of more.

Bless you and your family,
W.

You, on weekends, go to where he is. Take the children's homework with them, pack light, get on a plane and go. Plus ask him to come home every now and then. Or you guys can take turns. Get the stroller for the 9 month old, put the baby bag at the bottom. Get to the airport a little early, so the 7yr old can walk with the 2 yr old. Pack a back pack, that you can check in, or not, with all your under wears and change of shirts for you and the 2 oldest. For extra diapers, buy them when you get there and leave then there when you leave. If you need anything extra, buy them when you get there and leave them there when you leave. If you forget something, buy it when you get there and leave it when you leave. That way, you will have things over there and you can pack even less next time. Good Luck!

Lots and lots of pictures! Pictures of all of them with dad, pictues of dad with each of them seprate, pictures of you and dad, pictures of dad in and out of his uniform. If you have access to a camcorder, have dad record special messages for them for you to play on holidays, or any day. Let them include their own letter to any that you send him (I'm sure he'd love the 'bulk' mail as well.) I'm not a military wife, but I have the utmost respect for both your husband and you. I've grown up and still live around Ft. Knox, KY, and those are some of the things that I remember my friends mom's doing for them.

Hello T., My name is T. and I had 4 children of my own with a husband that was deployed alot in is Marine Corp (30 yrs) First of all what you said about girl scouts, boys scouts, sports, and playgroups are great. They will keep you busy. The main thing is to keep your family life running as smooth as you can and as normal as now. Pictures of Daddy for the kids are great with him in them or not so you can place them around the house at thier level to see and get them when they want. And please don't worry about them forgetting Him. They don't. It might take the little one a few hours to go to him at the begining look at him like who are you but it don't last ( let daddy know this so he's not hurt with it but they come around. If you have done 6 months then you know what I'm talking about. And don't forget about YOU. Take time for you to have a break. Shop once in awhile with out the children, if you get your nails done,or go to lunch. So you don't get to stressed out. And before you know it you will be getting ready for him to come home. Hope this helps. Things will be fine. By the way My children are now Girls 31, 26, and 2 boys 24, and 21. And have 4 grandchildren and one on the way so see I made it through it LOL. T.

Hi T. -

I know you are worried about your kids missing their father and not knowing him when he comes home. My father deployed when I was about one year old, and again when I was 13 - both times for 18 months.

I saw a lot of great ideas in the others' posts - I especially like the pictures of your husband with each child as well tapes of him reading to them.

Something that probably won't be much comfort, but I think it might put things in perspective - your children WILL miss him no matter what, and the younger ones WILL think he is a stranger when he comes home. But the good news for them is that he will still be DAD and won't have changed all that much (at least not physically). I think the real heartbreak is that your husband will come home to new little people in his household - people that will have grown and changed A LOT. He will have missed so much, and will have to work hard to get to know them again.

With all the activities you mention, the time will go quickly for your children. Perhaps help them by focusing on them making the separation easier for your husband? Make sure they know how much it will help him to have pictures and letters and care packages from them. Teach them that helping others instead of focusing on our own problems always results in happier, stronger humans.

My fiance will be deploying soon as well and I have the same concerns for both his kids as well as mine. We will be lost without him, but with each others help we will get through the separation. And we will stay focused on helping him the best we possibly can from home!

Please tell your husband thank you for his service. And THANK YOU for your sacrifice as well! My prayers will be with you all.

Hello!
Military wife here! We have been through 2 year long deployments and one thing that helped me was to plan a big event every three months. For example, First was christmas and making it extra special, then three months later I had my third and grandma got to come out for two weeks and then my sister came out three months after that and then he came home three months after that.

I do not look at the big picture, I tried to leave it one day at a time. I would not look past the three month mark. It was a lot easier for me to see the end of the tunnel in three months.

Also I do not know if you are Christian but I plugged into my church events, found I Friday night bible study. (candence.org) they would tell you if they have a mission house in your area (non-nondenominational.) Also There is P.W.O.C. (Protestant Woman of the Chapel) Every post should have one. Typically every Tuesdays morning and sometimes evening too. They have childcare too. I have gone to both of these the last two duty stations. Also I really learned to trust the Lord while my husband was deployed. I trusted him in the fact that HE had my husband where he was suppose to be and that the Lord would take care of me and the kids. If you are taking your children with you to these event, they can see the positive around them.

I am here at Ft. Bragg. If you want to contact me, I would love to talk. (respond back privately)

~H.

A little about me: I am a mama of three kids, military wife now for 7 years (he is 9.5 years in military) and I am a birth doula.

T.,
If you can go back and check on AMANDA S, believe it was a 2/25/ request, I responded to her on 2/26/08, Nancyrb. Others did to, but I think you may find some helpful ideas, although she had problems after deployment. My husband was AF for 30 years, 5 children. So I am very familiar with alerts, short and long term deployments of every possible length. With your children in sports, etc. that will be a big advantage already in helping them keep busy, as well as having something to write, talk to Dad about. If you live on or near a base, there should be other moms in the same boat as you and if you can develop a support system with
a few others, it will make the world of difference. Don't know what I would have done without the support of my military wives/friends. Try for a playgroup with the younger 2 if you can. I imagine the Webcans are great, but if the kids get shy about talking then, try having them make tapes they can send to Dad, even if it means you don't hear what they say-that is really a one on one situation for them. Dad can reuse the tape to send back his answer.
A nice family picture or snapshot of Dad, with or without the kids, especially for the younger ones, to see every day also helps. When you have a bad day, try to remember the next day to apologize to the kids, if they think you have been mean to them, just explain it was a "bad day" for you for whatever reason. They also need to be reassured constantly that Dad is being very careful where he is. They worry more then you think. Hope this helps some> My prayers are with you. Nancyrb

i have a soon to be 2 yr old and am due with #2 in 3 weeks. dh has been deployed for 6 mths now. he still very much a part of our every day lives. dd has a daddy doll she sleeps with, she hugs it and kisses it good nite and snuggles with it. daddydolls.com is where we got it. we also got all of us dog tags, dd's has me and dh on it and mine has dd and dh and his has me and dd on it. we got a flat daddy as well and seh'll run up to it and give it kisses throughout the day. he did a dvd of story time for her and we watch at least one story a day if not 2-3. we use webcam and our headsets when we talk on yahoo so that she can see him and hear him... she loves our talks b/c she will type to him while we're talking and he gets to see and hear her all at once. she helps me do his packages for him... yesterday we started his Easter box and she put eveything in it, after kissing it all. it's def not easy but for me this deployment has been going by faster than his last one and we're just a month or 2 from having r&R nad dd def has not forgotten daddy at all. my worry is the baby.... the baby will only really know his voice by the videos we watch but hopefully that will be a smooth transition when R&R comes and we can do more for the baby. i always take time for myself after putting dd to bed. i know that this helps me everyday b/c it's MY time to unwind and i usually write in my notebook to dh.

I'm sorry that your family is going through this. I know it can't be easy. It makes sense that you are concerned about your little ones forgetting and I can symathize in an odd way. My daughter just turned 1 and was VERY close to my Nana (grandmother) but she passed away 10 days before her 1st b-day. She had a very hard time with the stress and I asked her doctor what I could do. They told me to put pictures up all over the house and let my daughter have something that smelled like Nana. I liked the ideas and got one of her shirts that had a pattern on it that my baby liked. Then, I decided to make an album of all the pictures I had taken of the 2 of them over the past year. I know she'll never remember this time she had with her but I want her to know how special their bond was.

You're kids can help you make a Till We See You Again album. If they're old enough, let them help pick out pictures of them with their Daddy. If they're too young, let your older kids help or you and your hubby can do it for them. I left room for "memory spots" in mine. Just little spots where you can write random memories you don't want to forget or you want to share with the kids. You can also do the smell thing. If your hubby wears a certain type of cologn, spray it on something they like to carry. That way they will remember his smell, too.

I know these won't make this better but I hope they ease the difficulty a little. God bless your family and your hubby...and tell him thank you from my family.

T.,
I haven't read all the responses so i am sorry if am just repeating something someone else has wrote. I just wanted to say God Bless You. You are definitely not alone. The only thing i can say is just talk about him and show pictures as well as the things you mentioned. Their father is a very important person in their lives and i have never known a child to forget that.Keep him in your daily converstaions and prayers and time will go bye. Hope this helps you are in my prayers.

T.,
When my husband left for his hardship tour we only had our son and he was 15 months. We used the webcam, video, phone calls, email, snail mail & pictures so he would remember his dad. We made a special photo book of things his dad did with him so we could talk about all those fun times. Fortunately, after a 7 month seperation, we were able to join my husband in Korea. My son remembered dad when he saw him and it didn't take them long to settle into a new routine & activities they enjoyed. Good luck.