Need HELP Now!!!!

Be understanding and not condescending. She needs you now more than ever. I like how MegandOllie responded. I really have no more. I want to wish you luck and commend you for coming to this women's site to get help for her. You are a good dad.

I think you need to take away any privileges she has...... Skipping school is NOT okay. Pre-marital sex is NOT okay.

Take away phone, car, etc. Lay down the rules. Talk about the punishments that will happen if they are not followed........ She needs to know what to expect and know that you are serious.

You really need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her. She needs to know that YOU love her and care for her. The old saying goes that if a girl doesn't feel loved by her daddy, she'll find a guy who will make her feel loved. I've seen it happen with girls when I was in high school!

Talk to her fast - or should I say SOON, as in SOONER THAN LATER - or TOO LATE! AND TALK BLUNTLY. If she needs to go to planned parenthood or a Dr. for someone else to talk to her then get her there ASAP - and remind her that in this day and age - the same things that she might be doing that could get her pregnant - could also get her seriously ill or DEAD.

Skipping school , means you need to take away her cell phone (or limit it to only being able to contact you or her mother) until she can get it back together. Or Grounding from going out with the boyfriend until she can go to school an entire week with out any skipping.. Or both.. No excuses..

The other thing is to include this guy in everything you guys do.. Invite him to dinner in your home at restaurants. If you go to the movies, include him. Shopping everything family events... My mom used to do this with all of the guys I ever dated and I think they respected her so much, they ended up really respecting me even more.. I have a smart mom..

About the sex issue. You need to speak with her right away. My mom used to tell me, the best way to not get pregnant is to not have sex...

Then she asked if I felt I needed birth control pills. She said she would take me to the Doctor and pay for them. She also said she would purchase condoms if I was too embarrassed.

Of course the thought of my mother purchasing all of this was enough to keep me from wanting to have sex!

She told me, IF I was to have sex, to please take into consideration, who the person was and of what character they are, because guys will talk and I would not want to have a bad reputation.

Of course you can do what my husband did with our daughter, he told her guys do not think the same way women or girls do. They are not always as emotionally connected. That guys also think about sex every few seconds, so to be careful about what types of conversations you get into with them, because they can take it differently than she may be thinking..

I also rented and watched with my daughter a documentary called
"Private Dicks: Men Exposed". It was very interesting the way men
spoke about sex and how it affects every moment of their day.

Remind her that even once, having sex without a condom could give her a disease for the rest of her life, so it is not worth it.

I am sending you strength..

Take her on a car ride (that way she can't just walk out) and tell her your concerns and say that you two can schedule a doctors appt to get her birth control if she needs it. You really can't stop her if she is having sex, but you can help her stay safe. Also tell her the importance of condoms and even though you are on the pill, you want to be protected from std's. No matter how much the guy begs, always use a condom. When I got pregnant I had a scare of an abnormal pap smear. My boyfriend had MANY partners before me and didn't know himself if he was clean or not. Just be upfront and honest, but not judgmental and scary papa bear mode. Her knowing that you are open and willing to listen will save you many, many, many restless nights because you know that she can come to you for anything. Although I'm sure you'll still have a few. Good luck and I hope she listen's.

Your a good dad! I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your daughter. How is your communication, can you talk openly with her? My daughter is still too young for such a conversation, but it would be different anyway because I am a mother not a father. I can imagine how uncomfortable you might feel talking to your young daughter about such a sensitive issue. I'm not sure if this is good advise or not; maby you could contact planned parenthood they have counselors available to help young girls learn about birthcontrol and STD's. If she is sexually active, she should have a gynecological exam, planned parenthood can provide the exam. Or you could schedule an appointment with a female ob/gyn and when you make the appointment ask if there is a nurse on staff that could discuss these issues with your daughter during her appointment. Just tell her that you think that it is time for her to see a gynecologist and that you have made an appointment for her. Good Luck and let us know how it goes.

My first question, is he 18? If he too is skipping school to just hang out, his parent(s) need to be called to make sure they are aware. Maybe they can help you talk to them?

My second question, do you feel comfortable taking your daughter to a gynocologist, or planned parenthood to get birth control? Kids will see each other and do "things", any way they can....get her protected and avoid an unplanned teenage pregnancy.

I would bring them both in and sit them down in your home and together give them YOUR rules. Explain that if they want to stay honest and not sneak around, that you'll support the relationship. If they choose to continue the behavior, then don't allow her to see him at all, unless it is in your home while you are there. That means if they want to see a movie, you go too, or they want to stop at the mall, you go too! Once they can be trusted again, you can back off a little.

Good luck!

Although you may not be comfortable talking to her, you need to sit her down and talk to her. It's going to be very ackward. Expect her to cross her arms and look around the room or at the ceiling, give you dirty looks, make horrible comments under her breath. Ok you probably can't stand the guy,(and probably want to do things that would get you arrested) but don't let her know that.

Start the conversation with "I really don't like this guy you're hanging out with, but that's probably because I don't know him. Tell me about him." At some point, you can ask straight out, "Is this a serious relationship, are you having sex?" "Are you protecting yourself against STD's and pregnancy? Do you want to go on the pill? Do you need any condoms?" Like I said, it's not easy.

The skipping school is a whole different conversation. One step at a time.

Good luck.

**As an aside: since you are a single Dad/parent, there is an organization called "Big Brothers Big Sisters" and they are a mentoring program, providing "big Sisters" for a child, that needs direction and a good influence. It really helped my friend who is a single parent.
Here is the link:
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.diJKKYPLJvH/b.1539751/k.BDB6/H...

I am sure there is one in your area. I would really look into it. Its a great thing, for any single parent..... or any parent.

in addition to all the good advice here, make SURE she knows that getting STD's, sexually transmitted diseases, is a reality. And, not always cured.
That might make her think twice.
Even elderly can get those. Teens are not immune to it.

take her to the Doctor as well.

ALSO, do you know the boy? Invite him over to your home. They can hang out there. Do you know his parents? I would make sure I know them, if that were my daughter.
And if she is skipping school to be with him... then is he OLDER? That is a red flag too. No decent boy would make her/allow her to skip school.
AND, if a Cop picks her up, for not being in school, that is truancy. She can be taken down to the police station. AND the school will be notified. Have you told her school? Anytime a kid does not show up at school, the school typically calls the Parent, to notify them... and its for safety too. What if something happens to her while cutting out of school? YOU are responsible for that and her. Its a legal thing as well.

Keep up the good caring you are doing for her...
all the best,
Susan

I commend you on being an excellent and loving father. All of the women have contributed great thoughts and answers. My suggestion is to actually start asking her questions without the hint of judgement coming. I am not sure how to answer the birth control issues (mother of sons here-for some reason those issues have come about in conversation with boys) but I do say ask, ask, what is going on lately leaving out the why as that can sound attacking. Or rather a sensitive young girl might take it as attacking, and perhaps have the young man join you on one of these occasions to find out what sort of information he can give you. It could be a Ferris Bueler's day off kind of thing.or not. And if she has other friends you know keep in touch with their parents. The boy is quite temporary but I know pregnancy is not and a real worry for parents. So once you have established some answers hopefully that issue might come about on its own.

OK--your main question seems to be "how" to talk to her about this. It's going to be somewhat awkward. But you're going to have to suck it up and just do it! Maybe go somewhere for a bite to eat (a public place will make sure she doesn't freak out too much!). Just take the plunge. Tell her you love her. Discuss respect...for you, for herself, for her own body.

Then put condoms in every candy dish in your home! Seriously, she probably should go to a gynie appt soon. Maybe she would be less embarrassed to discuss specific concerns with a doc.

No matter, you need to tell her that this may seem an awkward discussion to have with her dad, but not as embarrassing as having to tell you she's pregnant or has an STD (God forbid!).

You must be a good good dad because you care enough to ask this question, so I know you can do this. Good luck.

Depends on your daughter. If she can sense, from your attempts to talk, how worried you are about her changes in behavior, maybe she will try to be honest with you?..don't make it sound like you think she is a slut, or that she is stupid, just that you are not feeling confident about knowing what to do to guide her, as a Dad, and that you are not ready to be a grandfather.
If she seems to think sex is no big deal you can offer to take her to Planned Parenthood or the family doctor for birth control.
Condoms are easily obtained, but they have risks.
Single parenthood is tough, and I commend you.

I agree with a lot of what was said here. You need to get her onto birth control, and make sure that she knows condoms are always a MUST.

When I was younger 14-16, I couldn't convince my mom to put me on the pill so all my partners had to wear condoms. Then when I was 16, I finally convinced my mom to put me on the pill but nobody explained to me that I still had to have my partners where a condom. When I went in to my yearly check up at age 17, I found out that I had an STD (Luckily, it was one that could be treated by a couple of pills). Now I make my partners prove to me that they don't have an STD by showing me a very recent document from their doctor saying that they are clean. And unless I feel absolutely sure that they are not having sex with anyone else, they still need to wear a condom.

Also, if you feel uncomfortable having this conversation with her you could always call her mother and let her mother have the conversation with her.

3 answers come to mind here. the first is advice (true though) that my dad told me at that age. If you start sleeping around it is your reputation at stake not mine. Second I would ground her for skipping school no excuses accepted from her. third I would have her put on birthcontrol just in case. When I was 16 I could do it without parental consent. but if she doesn't feel comfortable with you or mom taking her ask a female friend. i would also remind her every guy she sleeps with is like sleeping with everyone he slept with and everyone they slept with. if you think about it having sex with one guy is sleeping with a lot of people. good luck. I am glad you were willing enough to come to this site for advice I think they need to change the name to parentpedia.

keep it real with her. don't pussyfoot around how you feel. and to really be honest ask her if she needs birth control. i know you don't want her having sex yet but if you fear that she amy be having sex then you need to let her know that you are willing to get her the nessacary tools to help prevent her from getting pregnant and possibly contracting a STD. and also let her know that any man/boy that truly cares for her and her wellbeing would not allow her to skip school and would want her to succed inlife and that means going to school. i wish you all the luck. and you are in my prayers.

I see you have gotten lots of good advice already, but perhaps I could share a unique perspective...

When I turned 15, I had been seeing my boyfriend for a year and a half. We were sexually active but had not had intercourse yet. My mother asked me if I wanted to go to the gyno and get birth control. (good mom!) I was nervous about going, and really did not want to further that conversation, so I said no. 8 months later I had to have a far worse conversation, with both of our parents explaining that I was pregnant.

Basically what my mother did was say these are the options, and obviously you are going to have an abortion. I will schedule it. No one asked my opinion, no one asked what I wanted, and I was to scared to speak up. (bad mom!) She took me to the appointment and I started to freak out, so my mom asked if they had an anesthesiolgist that could sedate me. (Answer: No that has to be scheduled ahead of time...) After doing some preliminary testing, they said I wasn't far enough along and would have to reschedule. My mother rescheduled me for an abortion 2 weeks later, with sedation.

2 days before that appointment I had began having awful cramping and bleeding. I was having a miscarriage. These 2 months of my life were absolutely awful. But now, being a 30 year old mother of 2, I realise how much harder it could have been. I would still do anything to have met my baby, known if it was a boy or a girl, to have gotten back the years that I spent morning for that baby. It was very hard to get over the loss of that baby(, and complete loss of respect for my mother), but I can imagine how much worse it would have been if that baby had lost its life because of my inaction and inability to stand up for myself.

Basically my point is, no matter how ready you think you are to have sex and the emotional reprecussions that come aling with it, you never know what life has in store for you.

Encourage your daughter to protect herself, using birth control and condoms are a good start. Ask her if she wants to get on birth control, and if she says no, continue to ask, regularly, she will not bring it up! Encourage your daughter to finish high school, and continue to college. All kids skip school occasionally, but when grades start to become effected, that is a problem. Let them spend time together after school, in your home, with you around. Let him eat dinner with your family every night if nessasary, if they can spend tons of time together outside of school hours, they wont need to sneak off during them.

Most of all, if the worst does happen, please remember that you have been doing a great job so far. She is a 16 year old girl who on the surface, may be acting like a teenager, but deep down, she knows your a good dad and you love her no matter what. Don't lose that, you might not ever get it back!

You either have to find a family member or her mom who can talk to her or find a way to sit her down and explain to her how you are feeling. You can set up a class or appt with her with the local planned parenthood or OB to let her know about birth control. It may be an option rather than her getting pregnant. You also may need to discipline her to keep her away from him as much as possible and make sure she stays in school. You ground her, you take away things, you take away her cell phone, her car, etc You tell her that you want to trust her, that you want her to be a responsible young adult but you will not tolerate skipping school or hanging out when she has a responsibility. Keep a close eye on her but let her know you care. You can even go as far as talking to the boyfriend's parents to see if he is skipping school too and 'if they care' you can talk to them about helping you keep the kids apart so they can attend school. Worst case, get her on birth control. Good luck

I think a Dad is the perfect person to talk to her about this. You are man, you know how they think and you know what they want. Of course I wouldn't lead with this but, as a man you can guide her very well through this. I don' t think you need to get into very graphic detail but you could approach it by discussing they way a man who cares about a woman treats her. For example he lifts her up and causes her life to be better, he doesn't encourage her to do things that will cause her to fail classes and get kicked out of school first of all. Also if she is skipping school, is she getting disciplined for this? I know you can't force her to never see the guy again, but how about grounding her for the skipping. More than this guy, her future is on the line. She needs an education and she has to be in school to get it. As far as sex goes, I think being up front is the best. Sex is a bad decision right now bc she can't handle some of the possible outcomes. I think encouraging her to use condoms is not really a solution. I am a grown woman and my firstborn is here in part bc we just didn't get the darn thing! Teenagers are less consistent and more prone to flake out on using them. By encouraging her to use a condom it is likely to just create the idea that you are fine with her engaging in this activity. I think putting hormones into a girl so young is also a bad idea. Her body is still growing and developing and hormonal bc is just going to change the way her body works before it even has a chance to develop. If it were my child I would just try to honestly tell her that sex is for later and it will be great but until she can handle the outcome, hold off. And remember no one, can make anyone do anything unfortunately. You can't make her use a condom or take a pill faithfully or even pay attention in class. But you can give her all the wisdom you have to offer and the guidance, even in the form of discipline to give her the best fighting chance to make great decisions. A father deposits identity into his children, you have so much more authority in her life than this boy! Use it with no apologies, she will thank you later:) No matter how she acts or what she says, believe me, what you think and your approval matter more to her than this young man. Hang in there and good luck!

Don't punish her for skipping school, try to find out why she's skipping. If she's a smart girl she may be bored and might need to take some classes that are more interesting or important to her.

Telling a teenager she "has to" do something will just send her running the other way. As a teen I had similar school skipping issues. My mom took me to a counselor to find out what was "wrong" with me and he basically told her to get off my back. Best advice ever given, and I turned around pretty quickly - just to have an any adult "validate" her could help. If it could be you that would be even better.

As for the boy, it's nice she found someone. I had a great relationship with a boy I met when I was 15 - it lasted 10 years. I'm still in touch with him many years later. Don't forbid her to see him, that would be the worst thing you could do. See if you can get her to the Ob-Gyn if she hasn't been (a caring woman dr. would be best IMO) to discuss the STD thing. Just say matter of factly I know at your age people do have sex, I want to help you protect yourself.

She could go on the pill for the pregnancy prevention, the Ob-GYN could take care of that, but these days (as many have pointed out) it's not just that that she has to worry about.

I love the idea someone had about having condoms available. As a guy you could buy them and just have a stash somewhere that she knows about. Keep it amply stocked so she doesn't think you're counting how many she's using ;>

She (and you) will survive - the hardest part is to trust her and to show her that you (truly) do.

Good luck.

P.S. Telling her a story about what would happen if she got AIDS or got pregnant won't help. At that age there is a "it won't happen to me" mentality. It's just how teenagers think (think back and you'll know it's true). If a doctor can make a statement that hits home, or she can see it in a documentary as another poster mentioned, that might work. It has to be something she can really relate to personally.

First of all, great work taking the challenge of raising a daughter on your own. I think that for the sex part you have to speak to her as a friend and a dad. I have a 16 year old boy and the way sex has been approached is to openly talk about it. Whether we want to or not, our children are in that age where the friends who are having sex talk about it and the ones who are not are already wanting to get "some". I would say sit down with her, talk to her about how important sex is, psychological, emotional, physical aspects of it. Make sure you tell her that it is not a moment thing, it has consequences. explain how boys are and how they want to just sex and that is it. I think she needs to know you are there for her, to help her out answer questions, etc. Good Luck!

I was a teenager not too long ago. I would talk to her about it.. ask her if she has had sex or is planning on having sex. She won't want to tell you because she doesn't want a lecture or punishment. So tell her that you won't get mad and that you need to know so that she can take the proper precautions. Tell her that she has to protect herself. I skipped school many times with boys and never planned on having sex with them, I did it just because it was fun. But you never know. Just don't be afraid to talk to her about it. And when you do, try to be kind and loving, even though you probably just want to scream at her. good luck.

Peter,

You need to explain how concerned you are about who she is hanging out with and why. Also do you have any women in your life that can also sit down with you to talk about this with her. Have you had "the talk" with her. She needs to hear the man's perspective and to hear it from a woman.

We are here for you - just a phone call a way.

My husband has sole custody of his daughter - he can be a source of comfort and advice for you.

A.

Not an easy situation... there's no guarantee she'll want to listen no matter how you speak about things. One way to present it is: "daughter, suppose that me and your mom said there's this guy we want you to marry and have a child with, forget about school and just be a house-mom and dependent on him - you'd immediately question it and probably think it's not a good idea. Well, as a teenager sometimes hormones and emotions push us to do things that aren't a good idea, but we fail to question it since it's our own impulses driving us to do things. You're at an age where the choices you make can have life-altering consequences, so I encourage you to consider what's best for you and your life - and how current choices will affect your future options. You are becoming older and becoming fully responsible for yourself, so your parents can't force you to see things their way - we love you and want you to have happiness and success in life, and we can only share our views and experiences and pray that you make wise decisions which are best for you and your life."

Dear Peter,
We go to YokaReeder.com- this woman sees things from such a sane point of view- she always turns me around, and w/ her I can make things work. She'll be here the end of the month , let me know if you would like to meet with her personally.
Best, k

Peter, I hate to say it but you are in a serious predicament. Not an easy issue at all. 16yr olds think that have it and know it all. Being a concerned parent is crucial at this point. Show her you care and want to know what's going on with her life rather than lecturing her on how to live life (lecturing does not go smoothly for teenagers). However, setting boundaries will help as well. Talk to her more like a friend and first see what is going on in her life and with her relationship. Then tell her you are happy she has found someone to care about and that its nice to have these feelings but we all must be careful, even adults. Explain about STDs and pregnancy and how this can affect her whole life. Let her know you will treat her like an adult if she acts like one. Meaning, she needs to attend school and make sure she graduates (as if it were her adult job) and invite both of them over for dinner or to hang out somehow. You may not be able to change the situation but you can be more involved and aware of where your daughter is headed.
Finding a school counselor or other help is a plus! Patience and prayer is a must.
Make sure you don't tell her she is not allowed to date him....that will make the issue worse. Also, another note would be to take her to a female doctor who can abound more on the subject of pregnancy, etc.

I wish you much luck!

Hmm, I would let her know that she can talk to you about anything. I think that you should sit down and talk to her and find out where her head is at, if she's already sexually active, get her on birth control. I think one of the hardest things about being a parent is understanding that we can't control our children. We can only guide them. There is no set way to talk to your child about this. It will be an uncomfortable talk, but it has to be done. Just let her know that you love her and you are there to help and guide her. We want what's best for our children of course, and of course we think and sometimes do know what's best, it's hard to watch our children make choices that we disagree with. The most important thing you can do for your daughter is be there for her, listen to her and guide her with love. She will be more prone to open up and talk with you if you listen! :)