Need Encouragement - Corona,CA

This happened to a good friend friend of mine. She went to individual counseling for quite awhile. She and her husband really worked things out so that they were both happier.

This is a very difficult and emotionally draining subject. I'd imagine those that have been through it may not want to participate. I kinda didn't, but I do have to help you, because I won't ever forget how devastated I was. My entire world crashed down that day. I was not able to function anymore. I was completely deflated. It was the first and only time and it was long distance. If it was someone closeby, I don't think I'd have had a chance. I had suspicions, but nothing concrete. He wasn't man enough to admit the complete truth. He wanted the best of both worlds. Didn't want to give up me, but didn't want to give up someone who made him feel special (which is what I stopped doing). The other woman (TOW), didn't care and he told her lies she was stupid enough to believe. I talked to her to learn as much as I could. Had to be nice enough to find out as much as I could. We happened to be on our way to counseling to work on either ending the marriage or making it work. That was the night everything came to light and I started the grieving process. I lost a huge amount of weight and looked good. I used it to my advantage since he seemed more interested in her at the time. I also knew him better than her. I knew his weaknesses, and desires, and we had a history. I had an advantage over TOW. Only two fit in this relationship. TOW weighs the marriage down and must be eliminated. That means she can't be on his cell phone, email, or a "friend" of any kind whatsoever. She must be a mere memory that draws you closer together. That is IF that is what you both decide. I had to ask myself what I wanted. It was a battle between the heart and the brain. My heart is stronger than my brain, I was a basket case and couldn't give him up. I listened to Dr. Laura, read her book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and realized the key was when she said, I have to treat him as though he did nothing wrong. Yup, tough one. Doesn't mean you can't ever discuss the issue, but you can't throw it in their face, or keep account of the injury (as discussed in 1st Corinthians Chapter 13 of scripture). We also had one of the best counselors ever. There is no way we could've made it without her. One of her clients said she too went through it, and was doing so well a year later. And it will take a long, long time to heal. You won't ever be who you were B4 this. You will have a new identity. But it can work to your advantage. My sisters went through it, and it reminded me to do what I did back then. I try to be the kind of wife he wants to come home to, take out, and play with. I try to be respectful to him, and provide my children with two parents on the same team. We're still together, many years later and doing very well. Counseling is incredibly important. Figure out what was going on at the time he started to wander. Figure out what could've been different. Figure out what his needs are, his insecurities, his childhood, his relationship with his parents, and his friends. Church mens groups might be helpful, but I don't know. Dr. Laura is on Youtube and also on Sirius radio. Counselors are good to go to "as needed" for the rest of your life. And for us, ours gave us homework and had us take personality tests. I learned alot, and I thought I knew him because I've known him since high school, but I knew very little. I always thought I'd leave a man for doing this sort of thing, but in the end I was not strong, but weak. But it paid off. I wish you all the best, and I'm sorry this happened. Use it to your advantage. Learn from it. Remember that you're in the drivers seat of your life. Your rearview mirror is only to be used to reference your past. Do not continuously gaze into it, because then you can not continue on your path forward. Take the road at your own pace. God be with you. (hug)

It is never your fault that your spouse cheated. If you don't want to leave him then I suggest counseling for both of you to get understanding and healing so this doesn't happen again.

As for some responses below. Whether you contributed to the disconnect or problems in your marriage is one thing..when your husband had the affair that deceitful act rests completely and 100% on his shoulders not yours.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

Go to Forums, and read/post in Reconciliation

Dear JC,

I am sincerely sorry for the pain you must be feeling. Unfortunately, "making it through an affair" is not about hearing only the encouraging stories of individuals that remain together.

It is about unveiling all the facts and information leading up to this point in the relationship with your husband, so that you and he can realistically make healthy decisions for yourselves and that of your two young children.

This is something that a skilled and seasoned therapist should help with. Find a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in your area, who you and your husband connect with and begin the hard work your marriage deserves.

It may be that the end result is remaining together with a new understanding of respect and trust. It may mean that the marriage ends. Either way, you will know that you both attempted, as reasonable and responsible adults to solve this not only for yourselves, but most importantly for the sake of your children.

Sorry I could not sound less matter-of-fact. It does not mean that I'm not empathic.

With Kindest Regards,

LMK

Hi JC,

I don't have experience with this but just wanted to offer an internet hug and tell you that I am saying a prayer for you and your family. I truely believe if you want to get through something, you can. A positive attitude changes everything. Best wishes and I hope you get the info you are seeking.

M

I find it really interesting that the patterns of adultery always seem to be the same. One spouse feels like their needs are not being met and seeks outside validation that they are desirable. What never ceases to amaze me is how the cheater ALWAYS justifies the affair by finding fault in the partner. Can this be survived? YES!!!!!

It will not be enough for your spouse to just admit and move on. First off he has to take FULL responsibility for his actions i.e. without justifications or buts or blame....

Then in order to move on he must really make a sincere commitment to the primary relationship. (I got down on my knees and begged my husband to give me another chance).

Amends must be made. I spent every day proving to my spouse that he was number one and that I would do whatever it took to show him that I loved him. This is also known as living amends.

We had been together for around 10 years when it happened and have been together another 17 since and I can tell you we are more in love than ever BECAUSE he forgave me and I cherish him for that. And he loves me more because I was willing to change for him.

Do not think that counseling was a waste - it was what it took for him to finally be honest. It is a really frightening thing to admit you are that weak and, well, stupid!

JC my heart breaks for you, I am sorry that you are going through this. You have received some excellent feedback especially from Silveradomom. She said something very important which most people who go through this need to absorb. You go through a mourning/greiving stage! Your mourn the loss of who he was to you and what you thought you had. It is the most difficult stage. I went through it and still have my days, it's been 14mths since I found about his affair. I was too ready to leave on several occassions and it really got bad before it got better. I saw a lawyer, through him out although he refused to leave and it was just miserable. We went to counseling and it helped somewhat but I can't say that it was the miracle I was looking for. I had to ask myself some really uncomfortable questions what part did I play in this? and it was difficult to ask and answer. The answer was that I was neglecting him, my children and my career were more important than his needs and I actually resented having to put his needs on my to do list. Once I was able to get past the anger and I'm not saying that everyone get's past this stage you have to go through the tough Q&A sessions with yourself first and then with him. Once your past the anger ask yourself can I imagine living my life without him. Do I want to move on without him. If you decide that you don't want to give up and that's what he wants than you have to go forward and you can't go back. Not an easy fete I can attest to this! It's easier to bolt than stay and fight for your family. It can be done but it's not easy. I love my husband am I in love with him not yet but I am working my way up. I am fighting and trying to keep my family together. How will you feel if you just walk away without trying? You asked for encouragement, and I want to tell you it can be done. My family is doing good now, I went to hell and back for them and if I can do it you can too. Remember not to make any decision when your angry or based on anger that is key. Good luck and if you need to vent you have us! God bless you and your long journey.

Sorry for what you are going through. I myself, stayed married to my first husband for over 15 years. Wait for it..... He cheated on me 12 times. yes you read that right and yes, I did write a story of my life regarding his affairs. ( working on getting it edited)so how to respond to you and not wanting to hear anything negative. I unlike you was not a strong person, no financially able. He was an entertainer and I always said he loved to entertain other women at my expense. Yes, I loved him dearly, yes we had a child, and yes i actually caught him. He later confessed to a total of 12. I too ended up with HPV and had to have surgery. Why did I stay, well like i said I loved him, our child, no support system, nothing but me. The 11th one was the one that broke the camels back. I hung in there until the 12th and then i moved on. I was told my some of his family to turn the other cheek and seek professional help, in which we did. We did finally divorce 2 months prior to his marriage to the 12th affair. Years later, we would become friends, better friends than lovers. He would also tell me that he never stopped loving me and I knew this too. The choice you make is your choice, i would never wish what happen to me on anyone, but it was a life lesson that took way to long to know that something in our marriage was a miss. He would tell me later, it had nothing to do with the way he felt about me, but his desires with other women and the offers, he found hard to refuse. Then doing it once and getting away with it made it eaiser to do it again and again. so, I too felt the same way you feel, but you have the means to leave. You need to ask yourself, is that what you want or do your really deserve this? My son and I left when he was 12 and he was a trooper about it and he became my little man in the family, until I found the man I love now and am married too. He too came out of a cheating relationship and we both agreed we never want to go through that hurt again. Focus and take care of YOU... Your kids will just follow your lead.
If you dont feel the same way, you wont ever feel the same way and if there is no sex, or if your faking it, he will know and he will cheat again. May you find the answers you are searching for, but you know already know in your heart the right answers. Now it's time to put your mine on the right track... Good Luck. You are stronger than you know. God Bless...

Hi J C DForgive, forgive, forgive. Kids comje first and kids are themost affected by marriages breaking up. I had my hubnhd up on a petastal just liken you big mistake on my part and yours because it leaves no room for mistakes. We were living in Japan and the ship went to the philipines and my husband had bveen drinking a drink called bull frog and he ended up back a a womens place. We had been married for 13 years at that time he swore it only happened once and I believe him and he was very remorseful when he told me. It was hard for a while certain soings would come on and I wouldm loose it but we had 3 kids and they were more important than any mistakes that could everbe made between either one of us. We have now been married for 30 years better than ever and had we quit because of one mistake we would have robbed eachother of what we have right now and our childrenn are grown their family is in tact and we have our first grand baby on the way. work it out as lonf as there are humans there will be mistakes. I pray it all works out, we are happier than we have even been and believe it or not going through trials can bring you closer bvecause when you fight for something together it shows yoiu what a great team you really are. J.

Updated

Hi J C DForgive, forgive, forgive. Kids comje first and kids are themost affected by marriages breaking up. I had my hubnhd up on a petastal just liken you big mistake on my part and yours because it leaves no room for mistakes. We were living in Japan and the ship went to the philipines and my husband had bveen drinking a drink called bull frog and he ended up back a a womens place. We had been married for 13 years at that time he swore it only happened once and I believe him and he was very remorseful when he told me. It was hard for a while certain soings would come on and I wouldm loose it but we had 3 kids and they were more important than any mistakes that could everbe made between either one of us. We have now been married for 30 years better than ever and had we quit because of one mistake we would have robbed eachother of what we have right now and our childrenn are grown their family is in tact and we have our first grand baby on the way. work it out as lonf as there are humans there will be mistakes. I pray it all works out, we are happier than we have even been and believe it or not going through trials can bring you closer bvecause when you fight for something together it shows yoiu what a great team you really are. J.

Updated

Hi J C DForgive, forgive, forgive. Kids comje first and kids are themost affected by marriages breaking up. I had my hubnhd up on a petastal just liken you big mistake on my part and yours because it leaves no room for mistakes. We were living in Japan and the ship went to the philipines and my husband had bveen drinking a drink called bull frog and he ended up back a a womens place. We had been married for 13 years at that time he swore it only happened once and I believe him and he was very remorseful when he told me. It was hard for a while certain soings would come on and I wouldm loose it but we had 3 kids and they were more important than any mistakes that could everbe made between either one of us. We have now been married for 30 years better than ever and had we quit because of one mistake we would have robbed eachother of what we have right now and our childrenn are grown their family is in tact and we have our first grand baby on the way. work it out as lonf as there are humans there will be mistakes. I pray it all works out, we are happier than we have even been and believe it or not going through trials can bring you closer bvecause when you fight for something together it shows yoiu what a great team you really are. J.

Updated

Hi J C DForgive, forgive, forgive. Kids comje first and kids are themost affected by marriages breaking up. I had my hubnhd up on a petastal just liken you big mistake on my part and yours because it leaves no room for mistakes. We were living in Japan and the ship went to the philipines and my husband had bveen drinking a drink called bull frog and he ended up back a a womens place. We had been married for 13 years at that time he swore it only happened once and I believe him and he was very remorseful when he told me. It was hard for a while certain soings would come on and I wouldm loose it but we had 3 kids and they were more important than any mistakes that could everbe made between either one of us. We have now been married for 30 years better than ever and had we quit because of one mistake we would have robbed eachother of what we have right now and our childrenn are grown their family is in tact and we have our first grand baby on the way. work it out as lonf as there are humans there will be mistakes. I pray it all works out, we are happier than we have even been and believe it or not going through trials can bring you closer bvecause when you fight for something together it shows yoiu what a great team you really are. J.

I haven't experienced this in my marriage but my parents did (still together decades later, but not a perfect marriage if there is such a thing). I would strongly suggest counseling, either marriage counseling or go yourself and sort out how you feel and what you want to do about the situation. If you husband recognizes he made a huge mistake and is willing to do his part of the work in counseling then try marriage counseling. It's possible to make your relationship stronger if you both are committed and work at it. If you just don't know where to start or what you want to do, go yourself. I should also add that I am in the counseling field and have done some family therapy (just so you know my bias).

Hi JC. I am so sorry for what your going through. Your story is so similar to mine. I know every feeling your having. My husband was the guy everyone thought was the best and would never cheat. That just wasn't him. We were so in love. My husband was also away, It's been 10 yrs here in a few months since it happened. We are still together and I must say better than ever. It was a really rough road. Really rough. I think it was a little eaiser for me because it wasn't an "affair", a long lasting thing. A one night stand so I didn't have to deal with the lying about it. He lied for about a week then came clean. I to, felt it as soon as he came back. I just knew. So I pushed until he confessed. I'm here to say It can work out and better in the long run. Lots of counseling and books helped. I strongly suggest reading "My husbands affair is the best thing that ever happened to me". I got it from amazon. It's a book written by a husband and wife team that the husband had an affair. You get both sides of the story and why they think the affair happened and what they did to fix it. My husband read it to, which was really important. He was very willing to do whatever it took to fix the situation. It can work if you both are very willing. I know your hurting now and it seems like the worst thing ever, but try to remember no one is perfect and people make mistakes in their lives that they regret. If he truly regrets it and learned from it, it can work out for you guys. You didn't stay because your weak, your actually very strong because you stayed. You care enough and are reasonable enough to know that people make mistakes. Now you just have to find out if you two really love each other enough to get through this together. He hurt you very badly and that is real and he needs to know how badly. Therapy will be vital, find the right therapist for you guys. You'll know when you find the right one. Through therapy you'll be able to find out if you can trust him again. That will be the main goal, to trust again. I still have a little bit of trust issues, but they are few and far between. And now we just talk about it and get it all out there. He will have to be very patient and understanding for you guys to get through this. If he's not, then that might be your answer. Good luck and if you ever want to talk just message me. I'm here to help or for just a shoulder to lean on. I really hope it does work out for you. :)

Ok, sounds like you have already checked out also. Staying in it for the kids is not always the answer, just want to state that right up front.
Now surviving the adultery is hard on both sides. Men can say over and over that it will never happen again. The problem with that is that you have to truly forgive on your end also. If they feel it is constantly hanging over their head, they may go that direction again.
You both need individual counseling and marriage counseling. This is a long hard road. My husband and I spent 4-5 years in counseling, 3 of those years together in counseling. It's not about forgiving and forgetting either. Trust will be a huge issue and it's only overcome with time. He really does need to come clean with his own counselor and with your marriage counselor about lying, he will not be able to move forward in his own recovery as well as with you.
If there is something to hang on to within the marriage, then hang on, but if there is not, then it will have to be let go. Trust and honesty is a huge part of the relationship, without those there will be many roadblocks ahead that will lead to resentments and mistrust.
Find a good therapist that believes in fighting for the family, because they will have the keys to help you both heal. It is a two way street, it's HARD WORK!!!! It was worth it for us in the end!!
Much support to you both, good luck!

Hey J.C. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. First off, I want to tell you that you are VERY BRAVE to not just cut and run. What you are attempting takes guts and you need support for you. I highly recommend counseling. It will give you a chance to see what is there and if it is repairable and to see if he is really willing to work on what needs to be addressed. I would also recommend a marriage retreat. One option, if you are Christian, is "New Life." These retreats can really provide intense intervention. Surround yourself with trusted friends and family and take care of you.
My Best!

:I don't understand why you are staying with him.

I can recommend an amazing resource for you and your husband - www.settingcaptivesfree.com. This is a 60-day online, accountability course for men struggling/or who have struggled with sexual impurity. The course is free, and men taking the course are assigned a mentor that holds the man accountable to his actions, and completing the course thoughtfully.

Likewise, the same site has a course called "The United Front" for women with partners struggling/or who have struggled with sexual impurity. This applies to adultry, pornography, ect... It is biblically based, requires tough reflection, and very practical. Likewise, the site, mentors, and courses include many stories of people who have gone through similar situations. My husband and I have completed both courses, due to his past viewing of pornography, and has been a tremendous blessing for us because, as you know, it is extraordinarily painful. But there is hope for restoration.

Lastly, your husband needs wise counsel from another man he respects.
Good luck.

I've known of a couple of families that survived this breach of trust, at least long enough for their children to become independent. Both invested in counseling, and one couple tried three different counselors before finding a good fit.

I wish you well.

I am so sorry this has happened to you....I felt my heart constrict with pain while reading your story, it also happened to me but I did not have to decide whether or not to stay, he left and eventually married the old girlfriend he had the affair with. It has been a hard road with much joy and sadness but although it still hurts when I think about all that has happened I know that I have grown, have been humbled, and my feelings have ultimately softened both towards him and myself...I think I must have had forgiveness as my main lesson for this lifetime! I still have hard times with it, seeing him always opens the wound just a little and sometimes a lot but I am happier now than I ever was before in a marriage that had gone stale... I started my own business almost 2 years ago and now am recognized as a very talented Chef by people I admire. I love what I do and I found my passion. My only advice to you is to be kind to yourself, ask for and accept help when you need it, cry, scream, rage, when you need to, but also laugh, dance, and lean on your friends and enjoy your children, your gift to each other....It is what got me through it. Only you know what is right for you. I send you love and good thoughts,
S.