Need Advise on How to Deal with My Sisters Friend

Hi there I have been an autism specific developmental preschool teacher here in albuquerque. I would recommend you look into autism specific classes for your son. They are great, and use whats called discrete trials that target your childs specific developmental needs. They go longer than the centerbased classrooms or non specific classrooms. they go longer because the last 2 hours of the day are for discrete trials and the first 2 hours are for songs, dances, and other preschool fun stuff. So, your sisters friend could take her daughter to the centerbased classroom as a "peer role model" where kids who have strong language skills come in and are role models but usually the teacher asks them to pay a fee to help out the classroom it depends on the teacher.and you could look into the autism specific classes.If you call "child find" program they will direct you or just ask your preschool teacher and she will know how to direct you. Anyway good luck with your son sweetie he is a gift dont forget that. Always remember children with autism are understanding what you say to them more than it appears. They just have alot of trouble expressing emotions and their responses both socially and verbally.So, remember to talk to him and do puzzles and activites with him that are age appropriate even if he does not act excited or responsive.
Mrs. S. " devoted teacher and mom "

Have you read Jennie McCarthy's book about her autistic son?
She saw an amazing turnaround simply by changing his diet!!

I've had people in my life like that and it is very frustrating. How I deal with it is just let them talk. I don't say anything or respond to them. I have people who take what I say and twist it to make me feel or look like an idiot. Or people who have to tell me what's what about my life. UGH! Or complainers...If I have to be around those people, I just let them talk themselves silly and I just smile and nod. Usually, they are annoying everyone else too. Hang in there and don't get too worked up. That is what she is counting on!

Hello A.,
First of all, I'm pretty sure you're under a lot of stress and probably some other strong feelings having an Autistic son, and I truly feel for you. Your strength will only do your son good, and I hope he does well in the programs the school has designed for him. I hope you have lots of support from your friends and family :)

I'm saddened by a mom who so desperately "needs" her child to be delayed. For whatever reason, she sounds like she lives for more drama in her life. There are plenty of people like that. For some, it becomes "clinical." I'm not saying I know anything about her, except what you have written, but there's a psychological diagnosis called "Munchausen By Proxy." (Sp???) It's where a person seeks to gain attention through the real or imagined injury or illness of others, and their victims are often children or the elderly. Sounds like she is using her daughter in this way.

Again, I am NOT saying for sure that's what you're dealing with here, but it sounds like this woman is sending up some "red flags." There's not really anything you can do but limit your's and your son's contact with her. Even if she does NOT have Munchausen's, she is a person who is ramping up to get in a fight with somebody... she'll probably go after the school-district to get what she wants for her daughter. If you "get in her way," she'll go after you, too.

Is your sister no help? It seems like if she is constantly complaining around your sister, she might eventually be dealing with a hostile work environment. The more she can avoid this woman (I know, how do you do that when you share the same workplace???), for everyone's sake, the better.

My best to you and your sweetie.
T

A.,
I read all the responses so far, a lot of it is very good. There is a lot of wisdom written for you to follow up with if you choose do it. I think the most important of all is to meet your son's needs emotionally and educationally. I would not worry about this woman at all, she has some major issues she needs help with herself. I do feel sorry for her daughter, but someone will cross her path and make a difference. As for your sister, if she is a qualiflied educator she should know how to handle the situation at work/school in regards to your son. Other than that, don't let this woman get to you. Stay clear of her at all times and all places. I would not even talk to her. If its at school, there are certified-professional people who get paid for it, let them handle her.

Hang tough!
P.

Hi A.

First of all I am sorry that this is all happening to you. I am sure it has been difficult for you dealing with the diagnosis of your son and the last thing you need to do is deal with such needless drama. I don't think there is anything you can do to change the situation. Sounds like this person is well I won't say it just to be nice. She will never change so all you can do is control how you react to her. What I mean by that is people like that want attention any way they can and will bring drama to those around them to get it. If you ignore her you take her power and give it back to yourself. I know this isn't easy. My son is not autistic but he was born with a craniofacial birth defect and sometimes I get annoyed when people complain about how a child looks or the so called problems they have and trust me I am thankful that in our situation we are not dealing with major health issues. Its hard when you have a child who has a disability or is someway not "normal". Many parents are lucky that they don't have to truly deal with such issues and most can be empathetic to those of us who do have to deal with medical or behavioral issues but they truly don't understand because they don't have to live with it on a daily basis. I might suggest to participate in a support group with other parents who have children with autism. They would totally understand your feelings and offer you an opportunity to speak about this situation without being judge or putting others in the uncomfortable situation. There are lots of on-line groups. I wish you the best of luck and I hope this women grows up soon for the sake of you and your family

I know how you feel. I have a son who had problems with motor skills speech and sensory issues. A so called friend of mine at the time was always telling me how bad my son was and how I should so things differently all the time. I was being told by AZEIP that I was doing everything right at the time. I just ignored her comments and finally after she attacked other people in my family verbally, I ended up distancing us all from her and we don't have any contact with her anymore. It was the best thing for us and we all benefited from the distancing. I would say to be polite if you have to be near her, but to distance yourself from her as much as possible. For your lunches with your sister, find a quiet spot away from the woman to sit with your sister, maybe outside on the grass or in her classroom. Or if you cant, take a walk while you eat and that way you are away from the other teacher. Let the other teachers boss and the district deal with her If she continues to pull stuff like this, she will end up without a job and it will be her own fault. The district has the programs for a reason, and the spots in the classes have to go to the children with the problems. My second son seems to have none of the problems that my first son had. I think it is sad that that woman has to invent problems that her daughter doesn't have as that will give her daughter psychological problems in the future if she continues to do so. You can email me any time if you want to talk. ____@____.com

A.,
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. No one deserves this at all. I can totally feel your pain, my step-son was diagnosed PDD autistic, and it is not completely horrible, but bad enough. I have gone through hell and back with the state and schools and other people. You really have to get a tough skin and learn to take a lot from other people and also as a mom. However, at no point and time do you ever have to put up with someone mistreating you or your child. Nor do you have to put up with them talking badly about your child. Now I know that this is not the most popular or approiate way to handle this, but if I were you, I would look that woman dead in her eyes and tell her that she should be thanking God every single night her child does not have major problems. She should thank God that she does not need special care for her child on a daily basis and that she can truely communicate with her child. Then I would look at her and say from now on if you can't have an ounce of empathy for my situation and stop complaining about what problems she "thinks" her child has then I have nothing to say to you at all. Leave it at that. She will either get the point and shape up or really leave you alone. Either way, you have said what you needed to, got it off your chest and she knows that you don't appreciate her little rants.

I know some of you may not agree with doing things this way, but sometimes people just need to hear the real truth and to be put into their place for them to actually get the real picture.

Good luck and stick with it, you are a great MOM!!!

First of all.......she is your sister's co-worker. having said that , she can only piss you off if YOU let her.Whatever her reasons are for "pretending" her child is slow developmentally, YOU got the spot......Case in point it's over. You got what you wanted,the spot for your Autistic son, stop listening to further gossip and drama over this and stop listening to someone who sounds a bit crazy. Why would she even want her singing child to be in a class with kids that need more help and therapies......just because its convenient for her schedule and pocketbook?
I hope this help....you know what's best for YOUR child, good luck.
A. R.
Mother of 3 healthy happy kids, I know I am blessed and so lucky. I will pray for you and your son.

I don't know this woman, and I don't know what she is like, and maybe it is like you say. But your assumption that nothing is wrong with her daughter gives me a sick feeling.

Speech disorders and delays, as well as autism, can take many different forms. That her daughter can converse with adults and knows words to a few songs proves nothing. And sadly you cannot count on school districts for accurate assesment, or great services. In your journey with your son, you will need to become an Autism expert, as well as grow into a strong advocate. Networking with other parents and therapists will help you find the best programs and opportunities. School districts don't know a whole lot about Autism, and don't want to pay extra money for services.

If this woman's daughter "appeared" typical it doesn't surprise me that they didn't find a delay. There are many forms of speech and language disorders, many linked with Autism. My daughter is 7 and has an full autism diagnosis. She is verbal and social, and many might assume there is nothing the matter with her. She has something called echolalia. She memorizes speech (and movies, and songs). As a young child she fooled a lot of people, even therapists. These were just scripts, but the majority of people did not realize this.

We too had her evaluated by the school district as we made the transition from 0-3 services and even though she had been given many early intervention services (she also has mild cerebal palsy)they wouldn't qualify her for much. I seem to recall 10 minutes of OT a month. What a joke! She is going into 1st grade and even with intensive private therapy all these years, she still stuggles to hold a pencil to paper and form letters.

The speech therapy she needs is not just to learn words or articulation, but to learn what to say in certain situations. How do you get people to play with you at recess? What happens when you don't share with someone? How do people feel when you do this or that? After many years of therapy she has a lot more original speech. She is repeating and coping a lot less. For the first time I am beginning to hear her thoughts and ideas and feelings, and just not superficial speech. It's still new and awkward but it's starting. I am so proud of her! She has come so far!

It might seem strange but on a level I can relate to this woman. She might just be a crazy jerk - I have come across those too, but assuming that she genuinely feels something is wrong with her daughter. I can imagine her loss and frustration. She wants the best for her daughter as well. If she feels that there is something wrong, and mothers usually know, then maybe you should give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she is talking to you because she thinks you will understand what she is going through. I know how it is to listen to someone elses gripes and concerns about their kids and think, "that's nothing!". In time I think this might ease a little bit, but there is a lot of grieving that goes on following a diagnosis. No matter how much you suspected or expected it, nothing can prepare you for how you are going to feel when you hear those words. But please before you judge and make assumptions, know that there is a lot more to developmental disabilities than you probably know about at this stage.

I wish you the very best. This is not easy stuff, and it's really hard to let go of the dreams you had for your son. There is a really great essay called "Welcome to Holland". You may have already read it, but I just recently did and it was very helpful to me.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Just because you see her a lot doesn't necessarily mean you have to interact with her. It sounds like she's pretty self involved so if you stop talking to her she may not even notice! :) Seriously though, I would probably avoid her because all she does is hurt and upset you. She clearly has no idea how lucky she is that her daughter is doing well. I can't understand for the life of me why she "wants" her daughter to have a developmental delay and I can see why her persistently negative comments about her child are so hurtful to you.

I think it's awful that she would be trying to boot your son out of the special class. She's a teacher for goodness sake! She should be able to recognize your child's needs-- or any child's needs for that matter-- and let her daughter be a secondary choice for the special class especially considering she tested high enough for regular classes. If her daughter's testing indicated that she should be in the class then she would have a case for wanting her in there so badly, but that isn't so. I'm also wondering if there is some reason she is targeting your son specifically as the one who took her child's spot. It seems odd that she would single him out like that when talking to the district.

As far as her comments about you working and having your child in daycare-- who cares what she thinks?! Many, many parents have to work while their children go to daycare. Your son's doctors even encouraged the daycare setting so it's really of no concern what this woman thinks about it. It sounds like you are doing a great job with your son. I would just try to steel yourself to her rude and thoughtless comments should you continue to come in contact with her. She's just one person and you shouldn't let her get to you. I hope this helps!

Has she asked you to remove your son from the class? Even if you did, since her daughter did not test as developmentally disabled, she probably would not be in the class. This is not your fault. You can listen and sympathize, but you cannot pull your son for her daughter, because she probably wouldn't be in it, anyway. It might even do her harm to be in that class, because she will be bored and not even try when she does get to regular school. Just respond, "that's too bad" or "sorry she didn't get in". Do not say more than that. If she sees that you are not going to react to her whining, then she should stop. Good luck!

First of all if this woman is not part of the teaching team that works directly with your son, i.e. she does not have a legitimate reason to have information about you son's condition. she and the person feeding her the information is illegal. By FERPA Laws. violation of these laws are very serious. I have worked at schools that I could barely get the accommodation or modifications for my own students for fear of FERPA violations. If you tell her about your son that is different, however, that does not give her a right to talk about his situation to others inless they need to know to do there job. FERPA stands for Family Education R Privacy Act. sorry I cannot remember what the R stands for this law went all the way to the supreme court. look it up! the other law is IDEA Individuals with Disabilities Education Act this law also from the supreme court gives all individuals the right to fair and equitable education and outlines accommodations and modifications that school district must provide for students with disabilities. school districts will try not to provide all of the services required because of fiscal concerns but stick to your guns as far as your son is concerned. IDEA requires that students have annual IEP's individual education plans that benefit the student and that they provide education for the students from the ages of 3 to I think 22. Now once you get your son into a program that works for him. even it you move outside of the district you can insist that he stay. I forget what the specific law is for that but you can insist that he stay put. I have worked with and around student that did not live in the district because the parents wanted their student to continue with a particulat teacher aid who changed schools. this stay put law can also include providing transportation to and from school for your son. Autistic children need special accommodations and with the right resources can live very productive lives. These laws will also help with college although I do not know the subtlties of education at that level. I teach high school. the bottom line is that this woman has no right to the particulars of you sons situation and you need to cut her off from further information and you need to be firm with her and get you sister to back you up. Talk to the principal they will put her in her place.
you will do fine.

deborah s

I thoroughly encourage you to do whatever it takes to remove this woman from your life. Even if it means giving up your lunches with your sister. She sounds like poison to me and you have enough to work with withiout her being in your life for one second. Focus your energy on building a suport group of friends with the other parents who are legitimately a part of your sons program and tell this woman to pound sand. You can speak up for yourself without stoopong to her level. My husband has a saying.... Opinions are like toes everyone has them and they usually stink. This woman is completely not worth your time. How sad she must be as a person to feel she has to create disabilities for her child in order to get attention. i would go the pity route with her, could she maybe have a mild form of Munschaussens?

I agree with everyone else, just ignore her. If she comes up to you and gets into it, stop her before she starts by saying something like, "ya know, we both want what's best for our kids and that's all we're both trying to provide." And if you really dread seeing her, why do you go to her school twice a week? Why not meet your sister somewhere, even outside at the park or something? It sounds somewhat like you're egging her on. I honestly think you're taking it all too personally. My son is also autistic with a speech delay and he can sing a couple of songs...that doesn't necessarily mean anything, so I really don't think you can judge her kids needs. And why do you even care? Your son is getting what he needs and that's all that should matter to you. I hate to sound harsh, but it just sounds so petty and...13 year old girl, like who didn't get invited to who's party because so and so took her place. Grow up!

exactly right! i don't know what district you are with, but in my district(Where i have been an employee in special ed for 12 years) just because yoiu attend a school that has a program for your special-needs child does not qualify you for special treatment. I am the mother of a wonderful son who is 19 and high-functionally Autistic. No two kids are alike with their talents. MY son is musically inclined. He can pick up a song one time and play it back on his keyboard. But he can't tell you what he had for dinner the night before. So, hang in there.You can get boundary exemptions for transportation if you feelthe need to transfer your son to another school or distict. Good Luck!:)

Dear A.,

It sounds like you are a great mom, doing the best for your son. I agree with you in everything, so I think you just have to learn to ignore this woman and try not to let her get to you. Easier said than done, but you need to do that. Keep up to date on the newest information on Autism and do what you feel is right for your son with help from the experts you are in contact with now.
Good luck!! E.

I agree with some of these other posts. I don't see why you are letting this person have any control over your life. You can choose your friends and those you want to associate with and she doesn't have to be on the list, in any way, shape, or form. Don't let her into your life. Concentrate on your son and what he is going to need from education. If you are in Albq. Public Schools just realize that they don't know what to do with Autism. If you're lucky, you will find a teacher who does, but APS as a district, doesn't have a clue. There are a group of parents with Autistic children right now banding together to sue APS about the lack of education for their kids. I know two lawyers who work on education cases against APS because I am involved in a discrimination suit against the NM School for the Deaf and the Public Education Department for NM right now because I have a deaf son with other disabilities that the school doesn't want. (There is a reason New Mexico schools are at the bottom nationally and it goes clear up to the top.) APS's solution to my son's education is to place him in the mentally impaired programs, which seems to be their solution to everything when they don't want to provide what the child really needs. In the case of my son, he has other disabilities other than deafness, but they are medically in nature, not mental.

This was a little off topic, but I firmly believe that knowledge is power and you have to be an advocate for your son because no one else will. I don't believe in suing anyone or causing trouble, but special education parents are labelled as "high maintenance", "troublesome", etc. by school districts, so be ready. Just ignore the labels and be an advocate, even with other parents.

I think you got a lot of good advice here about that lady and her daughter. If her daughter doesn't have any speech problems or learning disabilities, she may have in the next few years if her mother keeps it up. That would be truly sad for her to grow up thinking that there is something "wrong" with her when there may not be at all. Maybe no one has pointed this out to the mother??

Good luck,
J.
www.livetotalwellness.com/janislanz