Need Advise on Adopting Older Children

Congratulations! Adoptions is great. We have 4 adopted children. My first advice is to read ALL you can about attachment issues. Rad Zebra is a great site. It is for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder so it can be frightening. Don't let that scare you. Adoptive children come with attachment issues. Most are mild and need time and love to work through. Therapy is a great idea, for the whole family. Feel free to email me off list is you want to talk.
B. JM
____@____.com

I have no advise for you...only wanted to be sure that I responded with a God bless you for what you are doing. I have four of my own.....and have always wanted to adopt as well. I spoke to a woman at the store the other day who had her whole family--four children by birth and two adopted home for Christmas at the same time....she said she just sat and cried for joy to have everyone home together...You will be in my prayers! And those precious babies too....I would think that "Mom" and "Dad" will be here before you know it. Just remember that if they were yours from the time they were born, you would have rough times too--but that in the end, it is all worth it!

We have adopted 2 boys as well. The first was only 8 mos old at the time of adoption, so he has always called us Mommy and Daddy. Our second son, however, was almost 4 when we adopted him. We had visits with him for some time before the move and he started calling us Mommy C. and Daddy Doug about the second or third visit. This was with coaching from both his case worker and foster mom. We then started calling his foster mom Mommy XXXX towards the middle of the visits (he never had a foster Dad). By the time he moved in with us he was calling us Mommy and Daddy. He does still sometimes refer to his foster mom as his "other mommy" but I suppose that's normal since he lived with her for almost 2 yrs. He mostly refers to her by her first name now. Good luck to you all!!

I have no advice, but I would like to say Thanks for adopting older children from the USA.

I would consider their unstable lives up until now traumatic. Wouldn't you? I'd get them in with a counselor -- someone they can talk to once a week -- indefinitely -- so they can sort through what's happened in their lives -- "get" that it's not that they are unlovable and that the whole world is about letting you down -- and learn to trust and allow themselves to be vulnerable again. Only when they feel comfortable being vulnerable again, will they open up and let you in.

Good luck and thank you so much for taking them! What a tremendous thing you are doing! God bless your family!

My husband adopted my daughters when we married, and his son came to live with us, as well, so I can give you this advice from a blended family view. I would tell them that you would love to have them call you Mom and Dad, but you are leaving it up to them, making it their choice. My goodness, this will probably be the first "choice" they have had in their lives for a long time. They might not call you that at first, but my bet would be that as soon as they feel comfortable doing it, one day they will just do it and it will be a momentous occasion for you and your husband when it happens. Meanwhile, you could ask them what they want to call you. If they have no ideas, name yourselves Mama T. and Papa Joe (or whatever your hubby's name is). This should help them transition easily into just Mom and Pop or Dad. God bless you both for loving these kids and giving them a home.

First allow me to say Thank You for welcoming these new children into a family! WHAT an example you are of real love and compassion. May I suggest a book that will help you especially in the beginning in the parenting process? It is called, "Boundaries with kids" by Drs. Townsend and Cloud and available at barnes and noble or amazon or any other large chain. Their approach revolutionized the way we handled a brand new child into our life. I pray this is helpful to you. :) Bless you... L.

That is so exciting! I have 1 adopted child, but I got him at birth, so the "mom" issue didn't exist. I'm hoping to adopt another child, though, and am anxious to see other adoptive moms' advice to you. I never thought about that, but it's a good question.

I entered foster care at the age of thirteen and was lucky enough to eventually be placed with a family that I stayed with until I reached adulthood. My foster mother introduced herself to me as "Mrs. Kathy" but she told me that I was welcome to call her "Nanny" if I liked. (That was what her grandchildren called her.) After I had been there a while, I worked up the nerve to ask her if it would be alright to call her Mom. Of course she was elated. Even though I have since become very close with my biological mother, I still consider myself to be blessed with two "Moms."
What's much more important than the name game is the role you will play in these children's lives. Let them decide what they would like to call you. You could sit them down and talk to them about it, even give them some options to choose from. There are a lot of different versions of the word "mother" all over the world, but I do think it's important to let them choose.
It's kind of a balancing act you're faced with. You want to let the kids know you love them and you're there for them, but you don't want to come on too strong either.
On a side note: you are doing a beautiful thing welcoming these children into your home and heart.
As a former foster child and former Guardian ad Litem, I would be glad to help should you need a unique perspective. My e-mail is: ____@____.com

Hi T.,
When my mom remarried I was about 8 years old. My sisters and I called him Poppa or something like that after a little while. He was the main male provider for us and around 24/7. Then we started calling him Dad as time went on. I think it will be a natural and gradual transition as you all get closer emotionally. I would let the kids call you what they're comfortable with that way the Mom and Dad titles will be taken on sooner, because there is not pressure. Kids like to rebel. :) I'd also let them know that they are more than welcome to call you all Mom and Dad whenever they'd like. I'd imagine it would take the older one longer to say them. I don't know the kids' history, so it's hard to say...
Good luck!
~D.

When my husband and I met my son was 2 1/2 and didn't have a relationship with his biological father. My son started out calling him by his first name but then eventually from time to time he would call him daddy. We were not surprised that he began calling him Daddy because my new husband took that roll with my son. We allowed my son to call him whatever he felt comfortable with and we never made a big deal about it with him. We never talked to him about calling him Daddy or calling him whatever he feels comfortable with. We knew that he would either progress into the Daddy or continue to call him by his first name. It started out slowly where he would call him Daddy from time to time and we got the feeling that he was feeling out the water and watching to see our reaction. We never gave him one. When he would call him Daddy my husband would respond just the same as he did when my son called him by his first name. My son now calls him Daddy all the time and never calls him by his first name anymore. I refer to my husband as Daddy now when I'm talking to my son because that's what my son calls him. With the older child she may always call you guys by your first name but she may also be so thrilled to finally have a family of her own that she may jump into calling you guys mom and dad before the little ones. Allow them to use your first name and with the older ones explain that they can call you mom and dad or they call you by their first names and that it doesn't matter to you guys and that you just want them to be comfortable. I guarntee that they all progress into calling you mom and dad. Especially the little ones!
I am so thrilled to know that you are adopting these children!! My mother was adopted and I hope to one day adopt a child as well!! I think what you're doing is amazing and I wish you all the luck and love and success with this new step in growing your family!! God Bless you and Your Husband!!

I knew a lady who adopted a 6 year old and came up with a very creative solution to this issue. They together (it made it interesting for him)researched where his birth family came from and they picked the foreign word for god-mother and god-father. He called them nan and paran . They never felt upset that he didn't call them mom or dad because what he called them was heart felt and special for them. Just love them and know that whatever they call you will be in love because of the incredible gift you are giving them. You are amazing for taking these children in! God bless.

We raised two boys ages 11 and 13 until they were grown. We could not adopt them because of legal circumstances, but they became our sons then and are still our sons today. They are in their 40's now and do call us Mom and Dad. We discovered because of their older ages that we needed to allow them to call us by our first names until they were comfortable with any other title. That worked for them until they were adults. They began calling us Mom and Dad after they were both married. We did not make any suggestions, force them, or expect anything other than what they were comfortable with. Hope this helps.

I would let them decide what they are comfortable with. The 12 year old is certainly old enough to simply ask "What would you like to call us?" Mama________. Mom_________. Dad_________ Daddy_________Papa__________. If they have been in foster care together over this time period the 12 year old is probably the leader. It will definitely take time to transition leadership to you and your husband. It will probably take time for them to realize this is their forever family. I'm sure they are all carrying lots of "baggage". V.

Hi Tracie!

I do not have any specific advice on adopting older children but just want to say "congratulations"!!!! That's great!! The only suggestion I have is to check in a bookstore to see if it has any books on adopting older children.
Take care.
S.

Ask for a family therapist to be assigned before the transition and to continue working with you, your husband and your children. The family therapist will also work with the children's individual counselors. Some children will immediately accept you as a parent and family. The most resistant is likely to be the 12 year old. Many children call their foster parents Mom and Dad even though it is temporary. Often they use the first name of the foster parent like Momma T.. How you and your husband refer to each other will determine what they adopt so call yourselves Mom and Dad, rather than T. and .... Go slowly. Foster children have had so much loss and pain. They want and need unconditional love and acceptance. They will test you because they do not tnink they are worthy of such love. That is why a family therapist is essential in helping you understand their feelings, actions, and needs. Thank you for opening your home and hearts to children who do not have a family. It will be an amazing journey.