Need Advice on How to Help a Friend Through a Miscarriage

maybe buy her a little angel pin. you know the little lapel pin. i think that she may like that.... just a thought. meg

Truthfully, it's going to be tough for her, for a while. My friend and I had our first children 2 weeks apart. Then I got pregnant, and 2 weeks later, she got pregnant. I miscarried, a little girl, and she had a beautiful little girl. Our due dates were 2 weeks apart, again. Her daughter just turned 2 last week. It's going to be hard for her, to be around you guys for a while, I'm sure. But, you have to stay by her. Especially, when her due date comes around.
All you can do, is listen, and cry with her. Because there will be alot of crying.

V.

Just be there for her. I lost my first baby at 20 weeks, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Just one piece of advice though. Don't ever say, "At least you already have a healthy baby." Or, Well you can always try again." She very well knows this, and it just makes the loss more painful. Just tell her you'll always be there if she needs to talk or cry to someone. As for you telling her you may be pregnant. I would definitely wait a couple months before sharing your good news. She may need time to adjust. I know after losing my son, I didn't even want to hear about anyone else's baby for a long time. My thoughts will be with her.

I had a miscarriage in October 2005. My husband I had been trying for 3 years to have a baby and then to miscarry was very hard. I don't remember any one specific thing that any of my friends said to me, but I will never forget how caring and supportive they were. Each one of them stopped by to see how I was and listened to me cry and ask questions that had no answer (like why did this happen?). Just be there for your friend and listen. She will probably say the same things over and over (I know I did), but just support her. Miscarriage is very hard and there are no definite answers.
I am now blessed with 19 month old twin boys and they are the light of my life. Each day will get easier for your friend. My thoughts and prayers are with her.

I'm glad someone is asking this question b/c I was the one on the other side, 5 years ago. I know of 2 girls, in particular, that grew away from me. One, was probably on her way out anyway, as our friendship was fading (her choice). When she finally called me, after months of not seeing each other, I had just returned from the hospital (had to deliver 18 week old baby w/ congestive heart failure). I told her what had just happened. I did not hear from her for 2 weeks after that. And I don't even know if it was me who called her, finally, or vice versa. That devastated me for I really liked this gal. Another friend chose not to come to our home-memorial service b/c she had had an ectopic pregnancy 5 years previously and it was "too painful." We are no longer friends. What I wished would have happened, and what I now do for people who have gone thru this, is I say, "you know, I don't know what to say to you, or what to do to help. But I am here for you to call, to see, anytime. Even if you just want to cry on the phone, call me." Most times, we don't know what we want, at the time. I think most moms say "no" to a meal b/c they feel bad accepting favors! Get over that, and bring her a meal. Who could be mad at that? Check in w/ her as often as you used to. I think most people assume we want to be left alone. If she says she wants that, then grant her that, but check in once a week. A nice note, too, saying you are thinking about her, is nice. I wouldn't go into "The baby's in a better place" or anything logical, b/c we feel the best place for our baby is in our arms. Biggest thing...don't avoid her. Because that's what most people do when they don't know what to do. An honest, "I don't know what to do for you, but..." is your best bet! Let us know what happens.

Hi K.!

First of all, the fact that you are sensitive to your friend's loss and realizing how hard it will be while your other friends are pregnant makes you a pretty great friend already. When I miscarried, the most painful thing for me was the "Hallmark" responses, like "Oh, it must have been for the best." I think being very open with your friend and allowing and encouraging her to do the same will be very helpful. Often people say "If you need anything let me know" or "Let me know if you want to talk about it." Your friend might appreciate you planning something for just the two of you or bringing up the subject to let her talk about it. And lastly, you might want to read this blog post and pass it along to your friend, it so elegantly explains what I could never have found the words for: http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/shannon/2008/04/remembe...

Take care!
S.

Please don't tell her that it's for the best, or it's God's plan, or she'll get pregnant again soon, don't worry. While I came to believe that eventually, it just hurts for her right now, and to think of the future without the baby is excruciating. That's exactly what you need to tell her-- that your heart hurts for her. I had a miscarriage, and the friends and family who said that said what I needed to hear.

Hi K.,

Sorry this response is late. I have lost two of my own. I was blessed the third time with a beautiful boy! He is my only child for now. The hardest part for me was not having any children at the time. You wrote that your friend does have children, not that it makes it any less awful to go through but she had sucessful pregnancies. The best you can do for her is be there for her. It might be as simple as lending an ear when she needs to discuss it, or being there to take her mind off of it for a bit when she wants to think about something else. It's a greiving process and she needs to go through it. I am not sure how she would to respond to the rest of your group being pregnant at the moment. I remember how I was angry to see other woman pregnant and I remember how it made me hurt inside. It was part of the grieving process and with time it didn't hurt so much anymore. Right now she may be tender about the subject. Just feel it out and use your best judgement. Some people pull themselves away when so many they know are pregnant during this time. if she decides to do so, give her space and let her come to you. Just let her know how much you care about her and that you are there for her whenever she needs a friend. Grieving affects everyone so differently. Don't take it personally if she seems withdrawn. It can be a normal response. It's so important she grieves. It's hard to accept such a loss and it takes a long time to recover mentally, physically and emotionally. I hope this has been of some help. Your friend is my thoughts and prayers. Support is the most important thing she needs even if she doesn't want it right now. God bless.

A. H.

K., I went though the same thing your friend is going though with my first pregnancy. I went for a check up and the doctor thought it would be fun for me to see the baby, he had an ultrasound machine in his office. The worst thing to here when doing an ultrasound is "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat". I will never forget those words. The best thing you can do is be there for her and let her cry. And I know that every one wants to say that "it was for the best, something was wrong", but I know that I never wanted to hear that and neither did my sister. At that moment I didn't care - I wanted my baby! It will take her some time but just being there for her and letting her cry and letting her know that she hurts will help her. But most of all pray for her. The is the best thing that you can do!

And yes, I'm sure she will still be friends with all you people who are pregnant. I had 4 friends that were pregnant when I had my miscarriage. It did hurt some but at the same time I was still happy for them and wanted the best for them. The person who was the best was friend who didn't try to sheild me from her pregnancy. She'd talk to me about what they were doing and how the doctor visits were going. It was harder when they tried to ignore their pregnancies. As for anoucing your pregnancy I'd wait just a little. First be sure you are pregnant and give her a little time to heal. Then get together with just her and share your news with her. I'm sure she will be happy for you.

Good luck and remember to pray!

I had a similar think happen and the worst thing my friends could do was not include me in their happiness, this may not be the best for her. Somebody (sounds like you) needs to continue to ask her what she needs from you. Sometimes it is just having someone to share your feelings with. Also I put the perinatal bereavement services link at Shawnee Mission Medical Center below:

https://www.shawneemission.org/content/view/73/1060/

God Bless you for the friend you are to help her.

My heart hurts for her too! I have been blessed with four children and no miscarriages, but reading your request and the responses brought me to tears. I think your friend is lucky that we live in a bit more enlightened world where we view a miscarraige as a death and mourn it as such. I don't think women used to get the proper understanding and support they needed after a misscarraige, like they do now. The church I used to go to conducted a memorial service when two women had miscarriages within a week of each other. It was beautiful and I think it helped them a lot. Just to have people recognize that what was lost was a person, along with all the hope and dreams that went with him or her, had to have been a huge validation of the feelings those moms had.

I think protecting your friend from your pregancy news for a while is probably wise. But I wouldn't shield her from all her pregnant friends for too long. Otherwise, it will feel like she's being left out of the circle of friends she really needs. Whether or not she can or wants to hang out with pregnant people should be entirely her decision, not one made for her. That could be hurtful. She's a friend too, and she may not want to be deprived of experiencing the joy of her friend's pregnacies and birth. I think, after some time has passed, you should talk to her about your concerns. She may be stronger than you think. Let her know that you see that it may be really difficult to be with friends who are pregnant and ask her how she wants her friends to handle it. Would she be ok being invited to baby showers, or would that be awful? Would it be better for her to just not be with you guys for a while, only to call if she needs to talk. Let her know that whatever she decides is ok and you understand. And how she feels about it may change over the coming months. Hopefully, she'll become one of your pregnant friends too!

Good luck. You are a really great friend.

K.-
First let me say what a wonderful friend you must be- to take the initiative to ask such a question must mean you are truly a caring friend.
I had a similar situation happen to me. In my case, I was your friend, the "have-not" befriended to the "have". All I can say is- don't ignore her. That is what happened to me and thus I lost an entire group of friends. No one would talk about it and so I retreated. Time passed and things were just never the same.
Give her moments to talk if she wants to talk. Pick up on opportunities to be there for her. Give her hope and support.
This advice you probably don't even need, for you already sound like a person that would do all of these thing anyway.
All my best to you and your friends. You sound like very lucky mamas despite the situation.

Just be there to listen to her. Don't try to make her feel better by telling her she already has a child. She doesn't want to hear that b/c she was ready for her 2nd. These things are in God's plan and no one knows why they happen. She will need time to grieve, but if she is a close friend, then she will be happy of your news. You will want to spare her some time before telling her your news. Don't share it the day after she found out she miscarried. However, don't withhold the info from her, but share it with other friends. Then she will think that you guys are excluding her b/c she's not pregnant. It will take her time and as others said, she will still have her days from time to time. The best thing you can do for her is to let her know that you are there for her to listen, to be a shoulder to cry on or for anything else that might help her. I hope this helps you.

I have had 4 miscarriages and the last was just as hard losing the 1st. Be there for her. She might tune you out but just give her time to heal. It will be hard for her to see other pregnant women and newborn babies. Also, if you have not had a miscarriage don't say "I know how you feel". You can't imagine what a person goes thru if you yourself has never lost a child. Another thing not to say is "maybe something was wrong with the baby and it's mother natures way of taking care of it" and "maybe it's time you stopped trying because God is trying to tell you something". All these were said to me and it is so hurtful to have a best friend tell you these things.

There is also a website for you to share with her.

www.nationalshareoffice.com

It's helped me get thru my 4 miscarriages. October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. They have a "walk" and memorial for children that have passed on. I have been attending the walk now for 5 years and sending my 4 children messages in the balloon release. It's very touching to see so many balloons going up towards heaven. I never leave with dry eyes. After the walk there is a meal and then my husband and I take our girls to the zoo. After that on the way home we stop at the cemetary and visit our babies in the Little Angel baby garden.

I hope I have helped you to be able to help her. It will take time as time does heal.

I can tell you that after my last miscarriage, I decided I could not risk losing another child as it's just to painful. One night I told him I wanted to adopt a baby with Down syndrome and he said yes. I didn't know it when I said this but I was already pregnant again and my little angel was diagnosed with Down syndrome a month later. My daughter was born on 6-6-06 and she's an awesome 2 year old. God does work in mysterious ways.

God Bless you and your friend.

Hi, K.. I am so sorry for your friends loss. I have been in a similar situation as you- I had a sister-in-law who ended up finding out she was not pregnant at 10 1/2 weeks. I was pregnant at the time also, just a few weeks behind her. It made it a very sticky situation, and I was filled with guilt. Since it was my first child, I felt like I shouldn't celebrate my joy, but I learned that she didn't expect me to not talk about my baby at all. I tried to tone down my excitement around her, and not bring it up all the time. I am sure your friend would not want you to miss out on any joy of the second child, but I would just wait for her to bring it up, instead of talking about it in front of her. God Bless.

Hi Kristy, I had a miscarriage about 35 years ago, and I stil feel the pain in my heart. It was a very "wanted" child. I was about 12 weeks pregnagnt at the time. I did become pregnant again in just a few weeks, and have two more wonderful sons. But the child I lost was just as real and important to me as any other child would have been. Please just give her a shoulder to cry on, she will need it. I didn't feel any jealousy toward others who were pregnant, and never resented any friends who gave birth around the time I would have been due. It was very hurtful when people would tell me it was probably for the best, the child would probably have had defects, and some even said a miscarriage is natures way of taking care of things. Those things were very hurtful. Your friend has just lost a child, and she will hurt, and she will grieve, but the pain will lessen as time goes by, and hopefully she can have another pregnancy soon. Just be a good listener, and hold her hand when she needs it. Good luck. D.

I had a miscarrige at 10 weeks this past Novemeber and like your friend I was one of five friends and family that were pregnant. My advice to you is to support her, but give her space. I was very distant from my friends because it hurt to see them having healthy pregancies. They called and checked on me, but at the same time gave me the space I needed and understood that I didn't much feel like being around them. I am now 20 weeks pregnant and very much excited and they are just as excited for me! The main thing is to let her greive how she needs to and just be there for support! God Bless.

Speaking from experience, I have had two miscarriages. My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage (Dec 2000). I was devastated over the loss and I definately didn't want to be around anyone who was pregnant. It took about six months for me to finally accept what happened and to regroup. During all this my husband was not very helpful which probably made it worse. In March 2002 we had our first little boy. We decided to try for another baby when he was 1 1/2 and it resulted in another miscarriage. Not to sound bad, but it wasn't as devastating as the first one because God had already blessed me with a little boy. We eventually had to go through a lot of effort and one round of Chlomid to become pregnant again and we had twin boys (July 2005).
I don't know if there is any good advise when you have had a miscarriage and I didn't want to hear that it happened for a reason. Just give her time and remind her how blessed she is to already have one gift.

My sister and I both found out that we were pregnant and due 4 days apart. My sister lost her baby at 16-17 weeks. In February, we found out that she had miscarried the baby and had to deliver it. I really don't know if there is a way to talk about your friends loss because I still have not found a way to discuss her loss. I now have a gorgeous baby girl that is eight days old and know that my sister would have a handsome baby boy that is about 4 days old. I know that your friend will be overjoyed when she hears your news, but she will still be hurt. It will take some time, but she will find a way to heal and one day God might grant her wish of becoming a mother again. I know that it is hard for my sister to look at my daughter and know that she should have a little one of her own. She has not really opened up to me, but I know that every time my daughter reaches a milestone in her life, she should be celebrating the same milestones with her little boy. Just be there for you friend when she is ready to talk about the miscarriage.

This is a tough situation. I lost my first baby at full term due to an umbilical cord tear, had a healthy baby, then had a miscarriage before my third baby was born. I think losing a baby at any time during pregnancy, if the pregnancy is desired, is incredibly painful. Your friend miscarried quite late which will make this very very hard for her. Some of the things she MIGHT feel would be: anger, sadness, guilt, hatred, anxiety, depression. She very likely had all of the dreams of this new baby, only to have them crushed. She may be worried that she may never have a healthy baby again (not logical, but it is a fear that one gets in this situation). She may get very angry or sad any time she sees a healthy baby or hears of a friend having a healthy new baby. I am sure that she will WANT to be their friend, but that she may not be able to be their friend for quite a long time. Any reminder of the baby she would have had will be crushing. Some things that may help....remind her that you will give her all the space she needs, call or email her to tell her that you care and you are thinking about her but no pressure to call or write you back. Most of all let her know that you remember how important this pregnancy must have been to her and her family. I would not tell her that its "all for the best" or "something must have been wrong" with the baby.....that won't help her. Also, letting her know it is common to miscarry or that she will "just have another one" won't help right now...that won't change her pain about THIS baby. I would recommend to the pregnant friends that they NOT talk about their pregnancy with her unless she asks and they should ask her if she wants a birth announcement when they send them, or if they send them they should include a little handwritten note saying they understand she might not want it but they wanted to include her and were not sure what the right thing was to do. Often simply telling her you don't know what to say but that you care so much...that helps.
Feel free to write to me if I can help more....

There is a support group that meets north of the river at one of the churches for parents who have lost children. We have some friends who attend. Let me know if you want more info.

hello i just want to say im sorry i to have had a miscarriage and my best friend was also pregnant at the same time it was very hard to loose a baby i felt it was my fault like no one understood my pain.when i went in to the er for an emergancy dnc the surgen who was a ob dr of my friends sit down beside me and said u have other children i said yes 1 he said i bet shes the most beutiful girl in the world behind my 5 and i looked at him he said u no this is not ur fault u know god has takin ur baby because there was something wrong he has other plans he said u know a baby is a mirical alot of ppl dont see that but a woman has a lot of miscarriages and dosent even know it because they think its just a heavy period truth is its a miscarriage so if u deside to have another baby remember there miracles and keep in mind this wasent ur fault that dr made me feel alot better and as far as my friends they didnt know what to do or say my step mom bought me a plant and brought it to me and told me she didnt know what to do or say and was balling just knowin i had my friends and familys support was wonderful let her know u feel her pain and ur there for a shoulder my best wishes to u all

I remember my daughter telling me through tears that the baby was stillborn. She was 4months, I tried to stay strong for her. After she told me people dont know how to act when this happens I said thats true only the person going through it knows how she wants to handle it. She said her friends either said I know how you feel and she was offended because she felt they didn't or they would avoid her. My advice is just let her talk when she is ready and just do what your doing being a friend. GOD BLESS HER AND HER FAMILY AND FOR A FRIEND LIKE YOU.

This is tough. I had a miscarriage and it was by far the hardest thing that I have been through. I also lost my baby at a time when three of my friends were pregnant. I don't know what to do to help her, I think that it just takes time. I do know what NOT to do though. Avoid saying all of the cliche things that people say... like, maybe it was for the best, what if something was wrong with the baby, everything happens for a reason, at least you lost it early, etc. The baby was very real, and she will feel like she has lost a child. Just be there for her, let her cry, and let her know that her feelings are validated. She won't want to stop being your friend, but when everyone has their babies it will be a very hard time for her. Good luck. My thoughts and prayers are with your friend.

I agree with Erin. She said everything that I was thinking. I had four miscarriages before I was lucky enough to have my son (who is 19 now.) And it did help to know that my friends were there for me.
But again I liked what Erin said. Just be there for her. Even if its by calling her or sending her cards or little notes. Everyone does it for a while and then they think well you should be over it and they stop, its those friends that kept on way after it happened are the friends I remember the most.
Hope this helps
M.

Okay, here's my experience and how I felt about it. After I miscarried my first pregnancy, my friends really didn't know what to say or do. So almost all of them just kind of avoided me for a while because they were uncomfortable. DON'T DO THAT! I did have one friend who, although we weren't the closest of friends at the time, called me regularly and just asked how I was doing. He (yeah, all my friends are guys) didn't exactly mention the miscarriage, but he'd call and ask how I was and if I needed anything. This opened the door for me to talk about the miscarriage if I felt like it without forcing me into an uncomfortable conversation. I am so thankful that he took the time to call and check on me in the weeks following the miscarriage. Just knowing that someone (other than my husband) cared about how I was doing made me feel better. Remember, she may have a lot of friends who do and say nothing because they don't know what to say, but don't let not knowing what to say cause you to say nothing. I think the best way to go about it would be to call her, ask how she's doing, and just let her know that you're there for her for whatever she needs. Years from now, you'll have a special place in her heart for showing that you care enough to move past the discomfort of the situation to support her.

When I miscarried at 5 months the fetus had probably been dead for a month, my doctor at the time told me after the D&C I had to have that "sometimes this is how god takes care of his mistakes". I'm not telling you to share that thought with her, but I believe that a lot of miscarriages are of infants with many problems that would probably not be able to survive. I would suggest she ask her doctor what he/she saw as the cause of the miscarriage, and if it had nothing to do with her ability to carry a child, maybe she should ask how soon she can try to get pregnant again.

One of the hardest things about a miscarriage is that there is no way to memorialize or provide a ritual that recognizes not only the tiny life that she held inside, but her and her husband's hopes and dreams for this child. A Hospice grief facilitator may be able to help her to resources that can help with this part of it.

Other than that - don't worry about her still being your friend - after all, all of you have other children born around the same time and she may surprise herself and get pregnant again very quickly. Your group could also help by recognizing her pain and doing little special things for her - but most of all, giving her lots of hugs and letting her talk about it (as much as she wants) if she feels like it.

Hello,
The same thing happened to me a few years ago. I was at 20 weeks and it wasn't any easy thing. The best advice I can give to you is to just be her friend. Tell her that you are there for her if she needs anything. I am not sure what type of person she is but I got really upset with people around me because everyone was asking if I was okay. It really made things worse because I just wanted to think about things on my own. I had a great friend that helped me by just listening. You could offer to watch her son for her after she delivers the baby...which will be a difficult time. Just be there for her, let her know she is not alone and that you and everyone that loves her is supporting her.
One thing that really helped me was a memory box I got from the hospital. Because she is so late in her pregnancy the organization at the hospital will offer to take pictures. As I was laying in the hospital bed I thought that was the most sick thing I had ever heard of. They brought me the pictures the night before I was released from the hospital. I layed there and stared at the little cloth bag the pictures were in. Finally at like 3 in the morning I opened the bag, looked at the pictures, they had put a little teddy bear in there, the tap measure they had used to see how long the baby was, some flowers they had placed in the picture. I cried my eyes out but it really helped. If they offer to take pictures and she, like me, thinks it is a little sick, reassure her that there might be a time when she will be okay looking at them. No one is going to flash them in her face. Another thing that the hospital did, that perhaps you can do too, is right around Christmas time (my miscarriage happened right at the beginning of December) well they sent me a little homemade angel with a tag on it that says "I will always have a little guardian angel" That ornament is the first to go on our tree every year and it goes right at top.
Tell her to hang in there, to cry and things will get easier.
N.

Hi K.,
I had a miscarriage in July of 06 it was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure.My friends pulled away because they were unsure what they should say to me,it was so hard to feel as if I had no one to talk to please continue to talk with her frequently and ask her if there is anything that you can do for her and let her know that if she needs you that you will be there. Both of my 2 closest friends also got pregnant with in months of my miscarriage to be very honest it was very hard for me at first... not to say that I wasnt happy for them I was just sad for myself and the loss, it took some time and all those feeling subsided and turned into sheer excitement for them, I would probably give her some time before you share your good news with her and then give her time to adjust ...she will.She is lucky to have a friend that cares so much.

I miscarried with my 4th pregnancy and I hang out with a lot of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) Moms who were pregnant at the same time. I actually worried about them avoiding me. I did have one episode that made me cry, and that was holding one of my friend's newborns and I touched his face against mine and I have no idea why, but I started to cry and had to hand him back to the Mom and leave the room (it was at a MOPS gathering too). I cried like crazy and I really didn't even know why. The miscarriage had come and gone so I don't know why it happened. I just fell into a huge depression for about a half an hour or more and cried really hard (I had to go to my car so I wouldn't bother the other Moms at the meeting). I was totally fine an hour or so later. That was over two years ago and I still don't know why I cried, but I know that touching that baby started it. She could go through something like that within the next month or two.

No one knows what to say to a miscarriage. I think what helped me the most, was knowing that friends were thinking of me and praying for me. Have your friends, especially the pregnant ones, give her a call and maybe send a card and let her know that they are thinking of her. She could use some emotional support and maybe a day out with friends to dinner or a movie to take her mind off things. One thing is, you don't want her life to wrap around this miscarriage and fall into a funk or close herself off from friends because that's what she needs to most. She needs to move on. I think grieving time could be close to a month or so, but she needs to move on after that.

BTWay, since I didn't have a D&C I got pregnant right away. My miscarriage started a major bleeding time and that acted like a period, because two weeks after that, I was prego! I always heard you were really fertile after a miscarriage and guess it's true!
My thoughts and prayers are with your friend. She will be fine because she has you and your mutual friends to be there for her.
God Bless,
C. R.

There really isn't anything you can do to help her or make her feel better. Actually it's best to not even try. Even bringing up the subject is horribly painful. I'm sure it will be hard for her having all of you still pregnant but I don't think that she will stop being your friend. Unless she brings up the subject, avoid it like the plague. I've miscarried three times and it was always too hard to talk about with anyone.

I lost a baby Nov. 06 it would have been our 4th. There are still days I cry. You are just going to have to give her time and space. She will let you know when she is ready to talk about it. She will still be your friend but she may be a little distant until her heart has time to heal. I would say just be as supportive as you can and take your cues from her. On babyzone.com they have support groups for loss of a baby. This also helped me a great deal, when she is ready you can tell her about it.

Hi K.,

My name is E. and I had a stillborn child at 9months and 2 day old. I was suppose to have her that Friday, but the hospital told me to wait for Monday to come in. On that Saturday I did a lot of walk and my mucus plug came out. I didn't know what that was. I thought it was a normal discharge. As, a result, I lose her that Saturday night. I felt her moving, but I thought she was just hicupping. However, she was sufficating on her first bowel. I didn't go in because of what the hospital told me that Friday and I wasn't having really bad contractions yet. On Sunday I knew something was wrong and I just felt different. Alexandria wasn't moving at all when I was eating or kicking in general. Due to the fact I had never had this experience before, I didn't know that she was in danger as well myself. Early Monday morning, I went to the hospital because my contractions were very close. I learned that just because I was having contractions, the baby's movement was a separate intity. I thought Alexandria movement was causing the contractions, but the nature of pregnancy caused the contractions. Later the morning I saw the ultrasound and heard no heart beats. It was at that time that I learned that she had passed. It was at that point that I learned two things: Follow my first thought and not someone else and each moment is not promised to you. So don't sweat the small stuff. If there is something that you want to achieve, do it now and don't wait for tomorrow.

As a method of coping with her passing, I designed ziplock bags with angels that had Alexandria's name on it as a gift from her to them. I put the clothes and baby items that I had bought for her in each bag, because I couldn't use them. This only reminded me of what I should have done to safe her. That allowed me to share a part of her with other expecting mother that really needed these items. In addition, I started my own business to keep me business. My family and friends gave me love. At the time my daughter was 5 years-old, and she didn't understand what had happened to her sister and why she was staying at the funeral home. She thought that was where she lived. She wanted to know why she couldn't come home with us. She had to go to therapy at school to learn this wasn't her fault and this was a natural process of life. There were a many of nights I wondered why, but at the time I wasn't financially stable and life would have been difficult with her father. I pray to God about my situation, because only he knew what I could bare. So, I know that God knew my situation.

Find out if things are stable financially with the child that she has, is she trying to have another baby, and if she is, let her know that this child is his/her own self and he/she is not a replacement, but a new journey in her life. Also, find out what cause her miscarriage. Is that genetic or is she the first in her family. If she needs time to gather her emotions, she should probably wait to have another child and if that requires space and time to herself give that to her. Just send her cards, flowers, and/or take her places to help her feel beautiful and strengthen her self-esteem. At this time she have to allow her body to recover from the pregnancy as well. Just found out where she is out mentally and go from there.

E. MB