I have a son who will be 4 this month, and a 5 wk old. He is well behaved regarding the baby, but he is constantly negotiating with me, and not listenig, to the point that I can't take i, and raise my voice, take away toys, privileges etc, time out! I know that since the baby was born, my patience are shorter,and maybe i'm expecting too much from him, but I am raising my voice,to the point, i'm ashamed to say, he is actually a little afraid of me. We always had a good relationship before, but now i think i am taking out my frustration on him. In addition, I notice he is showing some signs of having sensory integration disorder.
I want to thank all of you for taking such care with your responses. I have ordered the book that some of you recommended. I also found that just saying the problem "out loud" was helpful, and gave me a new sense of order the following day. When I get worked up, I think of what each of you said, and am trying not to let my emotions get the best of me. I hope that when I answer people's questions it helps them the way all of you helped me.
My son is 4 also. I have had a lot of luck with behavior charts and stickers. To get charts go to http://www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com/singlebehavior...
Not to minimize at all how frustrating what you are dealing with is. But there is a relatively easy help. It's called 1-2-3 Magic. You can get in paperback for about $7 and it is amazing. Your son is the prime age for it. The general idea is that you don't ask your son for things, nor negotiate. And you "count" his "bad" (disobedient) behavior. Don't explain yourself and argue (which we do without even realizing... ), "count him"... "That's one" when he starts questioning essentially "why does he have to ____ (do what you have told him)"..
There may be other things you can do to minimize (watch your wording-- tell him, don't ask him, etc).. but reading through this book, then giving it a try worked WONDERS for my household. It was such a blessing to discover.
1-2-3 Magic.
That's how it works, to get rid of whining, complaining, and just plain disobedience.
No more arguing, or yelling (or whining) from YOU, either. And no need to raise your voice, either.
Good luck.
Your stress level has gone haywire, dear...Please breathe and count to ten when your son acts up. He's wanting your attention and affection and this is his little boy mind reacting to mommy having a new baby...Very normal, and normal that you are freaking out, so take a step back and center yourself.
Learn to cope and redirect the frustration into fun and games! Have him bring the diapers, wipes, bath items...give him little jobs so that he feels important. And he IS important. Put some uplifting music on and dance around the house! Let him push the stroller around the block...so many things for him to do for and with you. This doesn't mean he is reposible for the baby; but show him ways to be the "big brother" and with LOVE!
Time for you to have some fun, Cat in the Hat Fun! Misery only begets misery. So please allow yourself the luxury of letting that go; and allow LOVE back into your relationship with your son. You'll find it easy...
Blessings, dear....
charts are a great idea!
and let's look at the positive side:
negotiating with you at age 4 is a sign that he is intelligent! he is using his reasoning skills!
so at this point, give him LOTS of choices throughout the day- down to SIMPLE ones so he feels in control. like, instead of "do you have to go peepee?" TELL him by
asking "are you going to choose this bathroom or that bathroom to go peepee now?" (assuming you have 2 bathrooms, LOL!) and if he says he doesnt have to go (& you want him to anyway, like if you're about to leave the house or something)- don't ARGUE- just keep repeating in an upbeat way: which toilet sweetheart? THIS one or THAT one?
do this with EVERYTHING you can:"this shirt or that one?" (not: "which shirt do you want?" this is too 'open'- just a choice of TWO at this age)
charts and CHOICES are a great start
great advice so far!
It's normal for him to want to see how far he can get...and try to wear you down! Don't you remember doing that to your parents, hoping they would just give in?!
I just wanted to add a couple things-
Think of how you phrase things to him.
For example, instead of saying, "ready for a bath?" try, "It's bathtime now. You have 1 minute to get your things and meet me in the bathroom." This gives him a clear limit on something that is not negotiable.
When he asks for things that are-like maybe extra tv time or play time or game time-negotiate with him about something he can do to earn it. But if he tries to negotiate with you on something that is non negotiable, tell him it is non negotiable and move on, showing him that you are serious and he can't manipulate the situation.
As far as him acting out towards the baby, he may be. And he may not be able to tell you he is but instead will display it in other ways. I'm sure you know but make special time for him and tell him how lucky his sibling is to have such a great big brother. Also, don't feel guilty! It's hard to divide time between the two, especially when their needs are so different. It's also normal to treat them differently and react to them differently because they are different children.
I think anyone would be out of sorts in your position. Taking care of an infant and a preschooler are trying. Your hormones are still out of whack, and you are probably exhausted. Exhaustion causes all sorts of trouble. The boy is probably looking for attention (He's not your only child or your baby anymore, baby took that position.) He's feeding off your frustration and senses it. Kids get stressed out too when they sense their parents are stressed.
He is also between stages of needing things done for him and trying to control some things himself. He wants to feel like he has some control so give him choices, and let him make some of his own choices as long as they don't harm anyone. When he is trying your patience try to think of a couple alternatives he can do instead of what is upsetting you. Then ask him to choose between those alternatives. This redirects him, gives you a chance to cool down, and lets him have some power of choice. Try to give him little jobs to do every once in a while, like throw diaper out, read to baby (probably not our version of reading, but the 4 yr version almost reading), fold a towel, help fold a blanket, etc. Spend some alone time with him doing something with him, reading, playing pretend, tickling, playing around, just lighten the atmosphere for a while so he can be a kid and you can enjoy your kid.
Get some help if at all possible, see if someone would be willing to watch over things for a while so you can have some me time. If you aren't ready to leave them alone with someone have them watch and help while you are there so you can get me time and still be close if something is needed. Take time to relax, read, have a drink, have a bubble bath, meditate, do yoga or pilates, maybe even get a massage, just anything that helps you relax and let go of your daily stresses for a little bit. A little me time can do wonders for your stress levels. When you are feeling like you have to yell, or catch yourself yelling (I have the same problem) take a few deep breaths and try to calm down. You can count to 10, or step out of the room, or any other method that works to calm yourself. Maybe even say something like, "Mommy needs to take a time out." I know that is not always easy, but if you catch yourself it gives you the opportunity to think more clearly, and choose a better way to handle the situation, or possibly realize what is happening may not be all that terrible. If it is bad and needs to be addressed then think of an appropriate discipline after you calm yourself down.
With the concern about sensory issues, what are some of the symptoms you are noticing? If there is something you are really concerned about and don't necessarily want him labeled but still want him to get some assistance, you could call Child Find or FIDLRS and they will give him diagnostic testing(nothing invasive) to see if he is having any problems. Then they can direct you to possible help if there are issues that need addressed. Here's the FIDLRS web site http://www.paec.org/fdlrsweb/
I hope this helps.
A friend and I always talk about this at work. I used to stay at home, so I know the frustrations through out the day. My son is still 4 and pulls stuff like that all the time. You are doing just fine. Seriously. Keep up with taking toys and putting the toys in time out for the day (or however long you want). Also, I remember watching 17 Kids and Counting... the mom says she keeps the boys very busy because busy boys means they can't get into trouble. Now, I know she has extra hands with the older sibblings, but if you try to make it a point to get him outside everyday for at least an hour. Also try to get some game time in with a board game. So when the baby is up, bring him out and let him ride his bike. When the baby is sleeping, get him to play a board game with you or a quite craft. Please don't start labeling him with disorders. I was starting to think that way about my son, but when I got to meet more parents with 4 - 6 year old boys, I realized he was just as normal as can be. Also, here in Navarre, the local rec center started up Soccer registration. We just signed up our son, he is the type to bounce off the walls. Boys need an outlet -- so maybe try that.
If you need a book - try this one:
The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons From Falling Behind in School and Life
http://www.amazon.com/review/product/0787995282?pageNumber=3
Another great book -- so you don't have to raise your voice:
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12
http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Ch...
Good luck!
Sounds like you need two things...
1) Me time: Even if it's only 10 minutes. Talk to your husband and figure out the best time for you to take 10 minutes shortly after he gets home. If you eat dinner when your husband gets home I would recommend doing it right after dinner. Go for a walk, lock yourself in the bathroom, run to the local coffee shop (you are NOT allowed to use this time to run to the grocery store because you are not focusing on YOU and that is the purpose). You will be AMAZED at how much this alone will help you.
2) Mommy and Son Time: Your son needs time just with you. It doesn't matter if you just go to the park or go outside and play ball. But, the rule is no interruptions. Try to do this once a week for 30 minutes. It will improve your relationship.
Hi L.,
You're perceptive to recognize that you may be more frustrated than usual. And it is understandable given your newborn. Your 4 yr old may be responding to your frustration. It is common for children to intuitively pick up on the emotions / aura of their parents. What you say or take away from him is not as important as how you say it, your persistence, and consistency. If your voice stays firm, you don't have to raise it. I suggest that you physically stand erect as possible and give your child a firm (not mean) look. Your physical stance (your body language) will help you maintain a firm voice. Then, regardless of what your child says or does, don't give in. I'm not saying this is easy, especially if you've been doing something different. It will take practice, but if you consistently don't back down, your child will eventually stop trying to negotiate. If your tone of voice and the look on your face is not mean, he will stop being afraid. Let him know that you are only looking after his best interest. What you ask him is because you love him. You may want to even hug him, but don't give in.
On a different note, I'm curious how you know he's showing signs of sensory integration disorder. That is not an easy disorder to diagnose.
Good luck.
Hi, L.. Well, the good news is that your son is amazingly verbal if he is actually negotiating and not throwing temper tantrums to get his way.
The bad news is that it sounds like you are overwhelmed by the hugeness of your responsibilities -- a newborn on top of an active preschooler! Plus, you are still coping with the changes your body has been through with pregnancy and delivery.
Of course you are tired, overworked, frustrated, and probably sleep-deprived. Am I right? I'm pretty sure I am. Get someone to help you with the housework and all. Get someone to give you a hand so that you can pay good, non-frustrated attention to each child in turn.
Yes, you do have to stop yelling at your preschooler. Giving yourself a break by getting some help so you can rest and do something besides all the dirty work will help bring down that frustration level.
You can't expect your son to be a robot and obey you the way a machine would. Some negotiating is a GOOD thing; sometimes he's asking for a few minutes more to do something fun, so as long as he does what you want him to do in the end, that's a good thing. For example, if you want him to go brush his teeth, and he wants to finish watching a Mickey Mouse cartoon, give him 5 minutes to finish watching. You can get a kitchen timer with a loud bell, set it for those 5 minutes, and when it dings, let him know firmly (but nicely) that his time is up and he has to go brush his teeth now. That's a GOOD thing. It teaches him social skills and cooperation. Trust me, You want him to learn this.
Think of ways that you can negotiate with him without compromising your authority. You have to set limits, but he is telling you that HE wants to set limits, too. He's at a stage where this is an important growth step in personal power. If he grows up feeling that he has no control or no say in his world, this will have bad consequences for him very quickly. It will generate rebellion, and you don't need that, especially with a newborn in the house.
I hope it all works out beautifully for the whole family!
Peace,
Syl
L.
It's amazing how you are describing your 4 yr old son, because mine is exactly the same!!!! He was great until about 3 wks before he turned 4 - never suffered terrible 2's or 3's but I consider 4 to be the Fresh Age!!! My husband & I joke that he is going to be a politician w/all the negotiating. I think you are doing everything right - it's just that he is feeling his independence and he is trying to challenge you on EVERYTHING!!! I know sometimes your patience wears thin - so normal.
Good luck and just keep doing what you're doing!!!
K.
