Need Advice on Getting My Daughter to Go to Bed at Night on Her Own

Hi A.,

I don't have experience with the acid reflux, but I do have experience with a colicky baby and one who has a lot of trouble going to sleep. We finally did the Ferber method when he was around 10 months old. It took a couple of weeks to work (and the first week was absolutely brutal), but once it started working he would go to sleep easily and sleep for 10.5 hours every night. We did have to retrain after traveling, teething, sickness, of course.

But, after 6 months of good sleeping, suddenly he started crying for an hour and a half every night at bedtime and started waking for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night. That lasted for 2 months! Now he finally started going to sleep relatively easily again about a week ago (he is also 18 months old). I never figured out why we had the 2 months of relapse, I took him to the doctor 3 times and there was no ear infection, he wasn't teething, there wasn't anything they could find wrong. So, my point is that cry it out works to a degree, but it's not perfect and there will be relapses, some of them lengthy.

Good Luck!!

L.

No matter what you do, if it's different than your current routine there will be some crying. I agree with some other posters - add something new to the routine and make it ONLY for bedtime (not nap time). Explain to her that she's big enough to fall asleep by herself and that you're going to XX (sing a song, rub her back, give her a new lovey, whatever) to help her, and that you love her. I like Ferber's modified "cry it out" method where you go back in to reassure the child every 5,10,15 minutes. I don't think *any* parent could actually stand several hours of crying without intervening. But the key is when you go back in to reassure her, do NOT pick her up. Simply calm her down, let her know you're there and haven't abandoned her, kiss her goodnight again, and leave.

I remember this! My daughter also had acid reflux and needed to be rocked to sleep every night. The other mom's suggestions are wonderful. I guess my only add-on to all those is ADD a new night time ritual. Back rubs, favorite stories, prayer time with stuffed animals. (trust me I tried it all) Also, I did lay next to her crib for about 10 minutes while she fell asleep when I got up, I would gently pat her back and tell her I would see her in the morning! It took a few weeks, but she is now 2 1/2 and an awesome sleeper! Best of luck to you!

PS lots of prayer...lol Lots and lots of prayer also helped us!

Angie,

Could you move her start time to a 1/2 hr earlier? That gives you that extra cushion of time in case of bus delays.

As we all know commutes can change in a second. I have gotten stuck in traffic accidents, or just abnormal traffic delays myself. I have to give myself an extra 1/2 hr when I leave work in order to guarantee I p/u my kids by 6pm.

Just an idea.

I feel your pain! My husband has totally ruined my daughter's nighttime routine. He has allowed her to fall asleep in our bed watching tv with him every night. If we were to place her in the crib to go to bed, she would probably scream, cry, and gag until she vomited. I originally tried the cry out method when she was 1, and it worked well for a few nights, but my husband was the one who couldn't and still cannot handle her crying. Our solution is going to start next week as we try a new nighttime routine. She is transitioning into her big girls bed and we will hopefully be successful in having her go straight to bed in her new room and bed. I plan to incorporate a nighttime reading routine, instead of tv. Wish me luck!!

Think about it this way - your daughter has come to completely depend upon you to go to sleep at night. After all, that's been the 'routine' for the past 18 months. In my opinion, it doesn't matter what you do (cry it out or gentler cry it out) you're going to face resistance and she isn't going to like the change one bit at all.

Since she can nap fine, that indicates to me that she is capable of putting herself to sleep on her own. Since you have decided that it is time for her to follow that same practice at night, then you need to make your decision and stick with it. Personally, if I were in this situation, I'd use the 'extinction' method and have her cry it out (that's just me and I know it doesn't work for everyone). Yes, she may scream for up to several hours. Yes, this might take a week or longer. Eventually she will get the idea that you're not coming back until morning, which is NOT an unreasonable thing to expect from an 18 month old. Many people think this is cruel and terrible, but again, in my opinion, sleep is just as important as nutrition and nurturing. Since she can do it for nap time, she should be able to do it at night. If you choose this method, do not go in and check on her because it only reinforces her thought of "screaming makes mommy come back".

You can also try a gradual extinction method that many parents have found to be successful. Put her in the crib, kiss her good night, then leave the room. Check back every 5 minutes, reassuring her that you are there for her but it is time for bed. The next night, stretch the intervals to 15 minutes...and gradually lengthening the intervals each night as needed. You can also do a 'chair method' where you sit next to the crib and slowly move the chair farther and farther away.

Another thing to examine might be her bedtime. Are you putting her to bed too early or too late? Ideally you want to catch her right when she is exhibiting signs of tiredness and put her to bed then (rubbing eyes, tugging ear, yawning, hands/feet warm). One mistake I made earlier with my baby is keeping him awake til daddy got home from work (he works 10-14 hour days). I'd keep him awake for daddy to see him, but by then he was so tired and cranky that trying to put him to bed was a chore. Now, as much as I don't like it, the baby goes to bed at his bedtime whether or not daddy is home. I feel badly, but I know my baby (8 months) won't always go to bed at 6:30 and it'll eventually be later.

Have you tried putting her to bed earlier - sounds like she may be overtired if she just fusses at night time. Also, what's your nighttime routine with her - maybe start earlier to wind her down - take a bath, read a book, etc. Does she have a lovey to sleep with (stuffed animal or doll) and maybe the room's too dark at night so she gets scared - have a night light or place some soothing music?
Hope this helps - good luck!

Hi A.,

My daughter also had difficulty going to sleep on her own. I tried the "cry it out" method, but I just couldn't do it. She cried one night for almost 3 hours straight - sobbing, screaming, the works. I went in every 15 minutes to check on her the first hour, and after that I let her "cry it out" for another hour - she would have to get exhausted at some point, right? - and honestly, after that I don't remember what I did. After 3 hours of constant screaming had passed, I went into her room, picked her up, and she was asleep in literally 2 minutes. So the cry it out method did not work for me! My little girl woke up hoarse the next morning from the experience...

So we slowly moved from holding her until she fell asleep, to holding her for a bit until she was drowsy, and laying her in her crib, and laying down next to the crib. And then after she got comfortable with that, I would lay her down next to the crib, and sit in the rocking chair in her room. And then I would sit in the chair until she was almost asleep, and then I would get up and leave. Or stand in the doorway - whatever worked. And now she goes to sleep all by herself. It was a very slow transition, so if you are looking for something quick, it might not be for you. But there were little or no tears! It was a better transition for both me and my little girl! :-)

On the more sentimental side, enjoy the time you have getting to hold your baby and rock her to sleep. I guarantee she won't be going to sleep on your lap when she is 10, or even 5! Part of the reason my daughter was rocked or nursed to sleep for so long was that she is my 3rd and last baby, and I knew I would miss rocking a little one to sleep when she finally went to bed all on her own! So enjoy, and good luck with your transition!