Need Advice on 4 Year Old Step Daughter Wetting Her Pants

The only think you can really do is let her daddy love on her when he has time; she's needing something stable now because her mom is not. Just be there for her and let her know that no matter what you guys will always be there for her. I know this is difficult; I'm a stepmom to three boys and the youngest still wets the bed at times and he's 16, however, at the time he was learning to be potty trained, they were in the middle of a divorce.

Somehow you will have to show her love despite how hard it is to love her right now.

I feel for you. It’s hard to see a little child go through so much and then have to clean up the mess her mother is making. Kids lie and kids have accidents. And even if she is not having “accidents” you just need to go one like it’s no big deal. Make sure you remind her to go potty. Show her your love and tell her too. The other ladies have some very good point too.

When you are in new surrounding it can be scary. Maybe she’s and not sure what is next. Just be consistent. Being a little to lenient may not of been the best idea. Let her know what is expected of her and what will happen if she is unable to do that. Then the big thing is to follow through. Talk to her and find out what she is thinking. You may even want to go to the library and get some books on how to help her. As for her not asking for things or talking, I would just tell her she needs to use her words so you can help her or get her what she needs. Remember she is only four. Praise her for when she dose ask for something and does things right. You may want to set up some kind of reward for when she does thing correct like, uses manner without having to be asked, going potty on her own, telling the truth. You can to a simple things like an extra stoy before bed time or paint her toes or a $1 store treat. Or just some silly girly time. I know makeup spoke loud for my daughter. Even letting her put it on you would be fun.

As a child I stayed with my grandparents for 6 months every year. From 1st grade till 6th . I never knew when my mom was going to come and see me and when she did I would act out after she left. I didn’t know when she would be back. It was hard for me and it was hard on my grandparents. But I was scared and mad that she wouldn’t come when she said she would and afraid and sad that she didn’t take me with her. I never really new what was next. I guess my point would be to let her know what she can expect from you and her dad. And be consistent. Get a routine going.

Hope this helps some. I know it can be hard but just imagine what she will blossom into with all the love you're giving to help her grow.

I am sure she is probably mad at you guys for taking her mommy away and acting the way she is is a way of punishing you for that. You have no idea what her mom is telling her about you guys when she is with her -- which is so sad for your little girl. They are only little once and right now she is probably so confused and scared -- just keep loving her, she will come around, it may just take more time then you thought. She's only 4 and to be taken from her mom is very devistating -- just be patient and kind and all will work itself out.

Good lord, I know just how you feel. Unfortunately, it's going to take time. Be patient and supportive. Make it something that isn't her fault. "Oh that happened again, let's go get you some new undies." I'm having a similar prob w/ my 6 year old step-daughter. In her case it's because she gets punished for it at moms and she's really afraid and the behavioural probs were because there was no consistency.

I'm a big fan of time outs. I've also been using the payment system. It works with their logic. You pull something like. "I know you lied to me about cleaning your room, because it's not clean. It hurts me when you lie to me and causes me upset. YOu know what makes me feel better? Not having to scoop the poop in the backyard. If you do that chore for me, we'll be square." But then, I have 2 big dogs, so anything to not clean up after them makes me a happy girl, ;) Of course, you would do something that works at her age-level.

I knew of a couple, mother and step father, who had this issue with their five year old. Some children don't react well to change. Of course it can be normal to wet your pants and lie at that age, but if it only occurs after she sees her mom ( I am bnot blaming the mother), or she was potty trained without accidents and then started having accidents, it could be that she is having trouble dealing with the change. Patience and time will help a lot.

It sounds like she is having a tough time adjusting to change. The best thing to do is set up rules for her to follow and make sure she knows that this is the rules in this house. Get out the sticker charts and set up a rewards system. Get your stepson in on the fun too. When she sees him getting prizes or candies or whatever your rewards are, she will come around. Try not to say negative things about her mom to her, but let her know that in this house that behavior is not exceptable. Try to remember that her mom may not be telling her she can lie, that maybe another lie too. Sometimes kids like to play parents against each other even when the parents are not divided. My son liked to tell me that dad says he could do something even though I told him no. He asked me first and then his dad and told him I said it was ok with me if its ok with him. He was about the same age at the time. Kids will say or do anything to get out of punishment. I dont know if you have tried to talk to the mom about all this or not. But if she keeps causing your step daughter problems, have your lawyer call her and tell her to stop or you will have to take her back to court for less visitations. Its a mean trick, but sometimes for the greater good of the kids, its needed. Good Luck!

J.,

This caught my attention simply because my neice is 4 and has been going back and forth with her mom and her dad because they are not together but he is actively involved with her. However, without going into much detail, I see your problem is not with the mother or you, it is natural for a your step child to retaliate this way. I have seen it several times in my life. Regardless of wether or not she was told lying is acceptable, she is only 4. Most children lie at that age anyway - again, it is natural. Also, the wetting of her pants is something she is going to have to grow out of. You will just have to continue to be loving to her and persistant in teaching/reminding her to properly use the restroom when she feels necessary to go. Most 4 year olds are going to have these problems anyway, regardless of her mother. I feel for you in your situation, so the best advice I can give you is very realistic and simple:
Stay focused on loving her no matter what because she needs all the love she can get with her delicate situation. You should see results from this right away if you do not allow yourself to get frustrated.

I wish you all the best,
C.

I am in the same predicament with my 7 yr old son. I have custody but when he goes to see his dad on the weekends his dad talks bad about me and my family constatly, my son feels stuck in the middle and feels like he has to hate me for his dad to like him.. its been a constant battle for 6 yrs now. I finally got to the point I just couldnt take it. My son has medical problems to begin with and all the stress put on him by this was causing alot of anxiety for him. I put him in therapy he went to see a thereapist and that really helped him so far he has only seen her once and they put him on zoloft for his anxiety and he is a totally different boy. he will see the therapist once a month so far but it is the best thing I have ever done for him. I think that would be your first step. Then after your child is in therapy for a while you can possibly go before the court and petition for supervised visits for mom... I am in that process right now. It is very stressful but hang in there as much stress as you have imagine this little 4 yr old girl haveing about 10x more.. the world is a very big place for a child who feels like they just dont know where to fit in. she is in a totally new situation right now and she may be acting out because she is scared and confused. you can maybe try to get her into a prechool or early childhood class too.. there are alot of resources through the schools.. my sons school has been my saving grace! it is terrible that parents use their children and weapons!! shame on any parent that puts a child in the middle of adult situations for their own gratification. I am very sorry you are going through this but I would definatly suggest some kind of counseling the counselor or therapist will give your daughter tools to use when she is in the situation with her mother. sorry I cant offer more help i guess I am learning as I go on how to deal with this situation. feel free to contact me if you want... but its not your fault she is acting like this I think its just a way that children deal with aggression she will get better if she can get the right kind of help...
C.

I am not an expert, but I do work with a child psychologist and I really think it is wear you are and what you need. As for the potty issue, I had problems with my 3yr old training and I put him on the toilet starting with every 15 min, then every 30, then once an hr...even at night (yes I work fulltime) When he went he was rewarded with an extra story or sticker or something (not candy)...if you choose stickers have a board to put them on, when it is full take her out for a new toy.
As far as the emotional tho, the more forceful you feel you have to become or the more withdrawn she is the more she needs professional help.
Not sure on your insurance status, but I would highly suggest you call Susan Swierc ###-###-#### and get in to see her...she is a a gem with kids...or you can call that number and they can suggest a bunch of other #'s if your insurance wont pay...Tell them Kim said to call (I work there, home on medical leave)

Hope that helps a little.