Need Advice for Friend Seeking Marital Advice

Maybe you are her only friend. Maybe you can introduce her to another friend that she can vent too. Maybe she just wants to vent. You could tell her that you don't have much to offer in the way of solutions or advice but you have 10 minutes to just listen before you have to complete the task you are working on. Hope this helps.
V.

I recently read another post in which the advice given was to contact local universities. They may offer programs where psychology department masters or phd level students offer counseling services. Where I live some churches also offer counseling services or can point people toward counseling services.

There are tons of self-help books out there. Of course she is only half the problem, but your friend can only change herself, so she might as well start there. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is excellent. The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage and/or Husbands by Dr. Laura are also good ones. I agree with other posters about seeking free or discounted marriage counseling through a church organization. Good luck! You are obviously a very good friend!

Does your friend work? We got free marital counseling (they pay for 4 sessions) though my husband's employee assistance program. They contract through a counseling service so we didn't have to worry about figuring out where to go.

Many of your churches have a co-op that offers counseling. They base their fees on a sliding scale and are very reasonable. Her pastor may also counsel for free to those in his congregation. As for books, she could start with the Five Languages of Love and the Love Dare.

I have a great church that she could go to. Dependiing on where she lives though might be a little tricky. Some churches have a mediation or counceling they do. My husband and I had problems a few years ago and we went to councelors but it only did so much. You don't have to be a super christian to attend either if they feel a little hesitant to going to a faith based organization. They try to assissit in a loving and helpful way. It is Bent Tree Bible Fellowship in Carrollton Tx. There has been alot of damage in my marriage that my husband and I are working on, and if we can work on things I know anything is possible. I never thought my husband would go to church but it has really been the best thing that we've done. The only thing is that both parties have to want to work it out, either way. Anything is possible if it has a good foundation. The website is www.btbf.org. Please send it to her. If it is to far away for her, they may know of a sister church in your area that would be able to help them.

There are a couple of books by John Gray that help with communication in marriage. I can't really suggest one in general since I don't know the issues but "You can heal what you feel " has been helpful to me. There is another John Gray book I bought for a friend and she said it was helpful but I don't remember the title. A lot of churches have free marriage counseling.

It seems to me that your friend is confused with her troubles and needs someone to talk too. We all tend to have so much other things to do when someone wants us to lend an ear and we forget "what if that were me and I needed someone". Be her friend and just take a deep breath and listen After a while you might mention that you would love to continue the conversation but you have to get to work or get something done. give her a hug and tell her you will talk to her again later and that everything will work out. She is lost and sometimes not giving advise is best and just be her friend and listen and sympathize with her. Does she belong to a church that has a group that could help her? Is she wanting a divorce and if so she needs to go and talk to an attorney. They won't charge her for the initial visit. If it turns in to way to much then tell her you think the world of her and she is your friend but you just don't know what to tell her anymore as she asks for advise but yet she doesn't seek it or seem to do anything about it. Just make sure she understands you are there for her but it has to stop or be solved. Sometimes also being up front in a nice way is the answer. Good Luck.

The Samaritan councling center is located in Houston and has "branches" in area churches. It operates out of Christ Church United Methodist in The Woodlands. The fee is based on various things - since I don't know where you are, I'll withhold the phone number. contact me if you're in TW and I'll give you their number.

"Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It is faith based, but if she can get throug Chapter 1 I felt like it explained alot that I never really thought about.

As far as it taking a toll on you. Don't let it go too far. I was that person for a friend and it almost destroyed our friendship. Just let her know you're not qualified to help her, but so wish that you could. You want to have an uplifting relationship with her and would like to focus on that. The longer you wait to tell her, the more obvious to her it might become. If she's not able to confront you then the distance will grow and so will the hurt feelings. Talk to her the sooner the better. Do the research for her, counselors, pastors, books, like you're doing. But let her know you'd like to move on to more uplifting conversations.

many churches offer marital counseling on a sliding fee basis... only charging what the couple can afford to pay. If this is not an option, you may have to be honest and tell your friend that you cannot hold up under the constant negative conversations. Engage her in "girl time" instead.

"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger is very insightful to men's needs and how to change our attitude of how to treat our men. When they are treated the way they need to be, it's amazing how they change their behavior. I have not heard of one person who did what Dr. Laura suggested consistently who doesn't have a much stronger marriage.

Put a timer on the amount of time you feel like you can give her to vent, if any. Once the time is up, tell her that you hope you were helpful and that you that you have to go. That way you can decide how much time you want to give.

Can you point her in the direction of a pastor? That should be free to her. I do want to say that I do not recommend Dr. Laura's books to anyone. Please don't suggest those to her.

She could read The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women. I don't think self help books do all that much good, though. Professional counseling is the way to go.

You are a good friend to keep listening but there is only so much listening can do. If it's taking away from your responsibilities then it's perfectly okay to say "I can't listen anymore".

Good luck to you!

*Edit. Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands teaches women to manipulate to get what they want, that any marital problem is solved with sex, and portrays women as whining brats and men as empty headed idiots. This book damaged my view of sex. I thought sex was a wonderful thing to be shared with a spouse, not as a tool to get what I want. Thankfully, I knew to throw away that advice!

Tell her to find a support group.
And, I guess you should not have to do all the leg work for her, and to find these things for her. It can take time to research. It should be HER to take initiative.

I had a friend like that... always having problems. I finally told her that I simply CANNOT take it anymore and that it was causing stress in my own life and I was really going nuts with her constant venting to me, and it was making me bitchy with everyone else. And I DREADED even answering the phone anymore. If she is a friend, she will understand.
Make is clear that "you" cannot be ALL and everything to her... and you do not have anymore solutions for her nor the ability to cope with it.
I simply also told my friend that I have no more energy to give her... and she has to seek professional advice. That "I" am not a counselor.

Tell her she should seek support groups or counseling... even if through a church. I am sure there must be some kind of Counseling service that will charge on a sliding scale.

But that is for her to find out. It is not your "responsibility."

The thing is, she seems real co-dependent too... and she is affecting you negatively.
You NEED to draw the line and state your boundaries.
Not all people can tolerate that kind of incessant continuous burden of being the constant venting release for a person. It is NOT healthy.

All the best,
Susan

Depending on what area your friend is from, I know of a great counselor in Friendswood, Texas. Julie Nise at AIM Counseling. She has been a life-saver for me and my family during our difficult times and I highly recommend her. Insurance does cover certain 'mental health' visits, depending on your policy. While I'm sure your friend's needs are sometimes burdensome to you, just remember that she is confiding in you because she trusts you and your opinions. Sometimes all we have are our dear friends to help us through the rough times. You're showing the value of your friendship by being there for her, if only for an ear or shoulder. And she'll always remember you for it after the storm has passed.