Books on Marriage

I highly recommend Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. You can get it either in book form or on a seminar DVD (5 DVD set). Even after 21 good years of marriage, we both learned so much! It addresses both roles of marriage: husband and wife. Very worthwhile!

There are many good ones, but this is my absolute favorite:
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs

My husband and I got His Needs/Her Needs. We are not done with it yet but it's great so far. They also have the CD so you can listen to it together

Honey, your husband isn't going to care what a degreed professional says if it conflicts with his own views. Go to counseling on your own so you can learn better ways to react to him. Your own reaction is the only thing you can control.

I used to wonder how my husband and I would have horrible fights out of nowhere, ruining a perfectly lovely evening. Then one evening, I was in a particularly good mood, didn't respond to a critical comment my husband made, and even without my having said anything, he worked up a really good nasty fit all on his own in about 15 seconds. He kept ratcheting up the animosity and nastiness and hurtful comments (saying it was my fault, when it wasn't--how can it be my fault when I'm minding my own business and only saying, "I see"?). I am not exaggerating how fast and how nasty it was. It was so helpful in that, because I was clearheaded and not blinded by rage, I got to see that 1) the "flash fights" (as I called them) were not my fault, 2) whether I responded or not, there would be unpleasantness, but my failure to respond in kind helped keep me from getting angry, and 3) not responding made the "fight" much shorter and calmer. In other words, there will be times when my husband is set for a "flash fight," but that is his problem. It only becomes my problem if I get sucked in and we both end up angry. How we react to our husbands when they are out of line can keep them from making us miserable and unhappy. If my husband were a jerk all the time, I would leave. As it is, he is actually a good husband and father, normally a nice guy, who has his unreasonable and unpleasant moments just like the rest of us.

Best of luck to you.

Oh, and as for the Dr. Laura comments, I took a class in Anatomy and Physiology back in the day. Anyone with a Ph.D. in physiology is no more qualified to be a marriage and family counselor than someone with a Ph.D. in literature is qualified to design a space shuttle. They are totally unrelated fields. It doesn't mean she hasn't learned how to give good advice along the way, and her book may be fantastic, but it is a bit misleading for people to say that because she has a doctorate, she's an expert in everything.

I really like John Gottman. Instead of pop psych, it's observational science with some really unexpected results. Like that communication isn't really the be all, end all. Sort of like how there is no ONE way to parent correctly, instead it looks at trends, and how different things work for different people. 7 principles is a REALLY fascinating book. I particularly like the "Four horsemen of the apocalypse" it TAGGED my marriage YEARS before it went "bad"/abusive.

His books include:

- 7 princeples of making marriage work &
- Why marriages succeed or fail

http://www.gottman.com/ is the website
http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Wo... has the look-see via amazon

Hi G.! If you are looking for a book by a degreed professional, you need to know that Laura Schlessinger has no professional degree in counseling or psychology. She does not have any credential that constitutes her using the term "Doctor" in the context of marriage or family counseling. It's a pretty sneaky tactic if you ask me. Also, "Dr." Laura does not have a religious affiliation.

I recommend that you go to counseling on your own to help combat his controlling nature.

A GREAT book is "The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women" by Barbara Rosberg and Gary Rosberg. I would also check out the "Boundaries" series by Cloud and Townsend.

EDIT*** Yes, Dr Laura has a degree in physiology.....which has nothing to do with counseling. If people are going to pick apart what I said, they should read it in the correct context.
I disagree with Dr. Laura because she puts full responsibility on the woman and absolves men of any responsibility for their actions. I find it demeaning to both men and women.
I find it funny that a poster actually endorsed the book without reading it.

THE POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE by Stormie Omartian

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read this book and you'll realize that you don't have to prove to your husband that he's wrong and you're right. You'll get a deeper and better undertstanding of what God wants for you, your husband, your marriage, your family. My mother-in-law gave me this book and I was P.O'd (to say the least) but I read it and was so convicted that I need to stop worrying about changing my husband and instead turn my focus to other things. This book totally changed my views on my husband and our relationship and helped me see him the way God does. I PROMISE you will never regret reading this book. (make sure to read the intro though!!)

(description from the publisher:) Bestselling author Stormie Omartian inspires women to develop a deeper relationship with their husbands by praying for them. This encouraging resource is packed with practical advice on praying for specific areas of a husband’s life including his

•decision–making
•fears
•spiritual strength
•role as father, leader
•faith and future
Every woman who desires a closer relationship with her husband will appreciate the life illustrations, select Scripture verses, and the assurances of God’s promises and power for their marriage.

The proper care and feeding of husbands is a good book, so I've heard, (I've not had to read it, I have a great marriage)

Anne Marie F. is wrong! Dr. Laura, is a Dr. she has a, Ph.D. in Physiology and she is Jewish.

She isn't a feminist and thinks the feminists screwed women up today. She is very vocal in her dislikes towards feminists and think women now days don't know how to treat their husbands. I happen to agree with her. Just look at all the bad things wives say about men and husbands on just this site alone. Some may call it harmless "venting".

Hi G.,
I just got done reading a great book called Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It was very enlightening. I highly recommend it. Women naturally want to be loved and men naturally want to be respected. This book couldn't have stated it better.
I'm also in the middle of reading the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I don't know if it truely applies to your needs right now or not, but once your husband gets back into your good graces it might be one to consider reading.
In regards to what Anne-Marie F said about DR. Laura Schlessinger, she does have a Ph.D. in Physiology...SHE EARNED HER DOCTORATE, in 1974 at the Columbia University, hence the reason we call her DR. She is a very strongly opinionated woman and I think that her views turn a lot of women off. She loves what she does and she gives some great advice on how to improve your marriage.

I thought Dr, Laura was Jewish, but it does not matter, she hits the nail on the head when it comes to what to do to have a happy marriage and knows how men tick, although, your husband seems to have a different issue than what she addresses in her books. I don't know what to tell you about that.

M.

I agree with Riley's answer that you should look for books based on research about what really works in marriage, vs. pop psych books, though they may be written by someone with a Ph.D., which still are mostly people's opinions.

So I also recommend Gottman's book How to Succeed or Fail in Marriage. I also recommend Michele Weiner-Davis - her website is www.divorcebusting.com . www.smartmarriages.com is a resource site with a lot of books and articles listed that you may find helpful.

now for full disclosure - I am a marriage and family therapist and I have co-authored a series of books on marriage and communication, including the 3rd edition of Fighting for Your Marriage, and 12 Hours to a Great Marriage, both by Markman, Stanley and Blumberg (I am Blumberg). All our books are based on extensive research which you can read about at www.prepinc.com .

I also recommend The 7 Stages of Marriage, by Rita deMaria, which focuses on the issues relevant to your stage of marriage.

take care, S.

"the proper care and feeding of husbands"

its truly a revelation

****edited, i must admit i did not read the part where your husband saisd "you must be submissive"

maybe a book is not the answer, he sounds too hard headed to actually listen to an opinion other than his own

however this book does shine a light on why men act out alot, its my new encyclopedia of my husbands and my own tactics

I highly recommend "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I believe in this book so much that I give it to every bride for every shower I'm invited to.

I have to tell you that you are a very strong women for listening to this and trying to make it work. I have no tolerance for a man like that. I quit listening to people try to enslave me with their words when I left home. I am single now and this is one of the biggest reason why. As previously mentioned Dr. Phil is wonderful. He is a straightforward guy and I like that. One of his best statements is, "It is better to be from a broken home then be in one." Parents teach their children how to have a relationship. I also enjoyed reading KOSHER SEX (a recipe for Passion and Intimacy.) It is written by a Jewish rabbi and some of the philosophies in this book are wonderful. I wish you luck!!

Dr. Laura has a book 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages' as well.........

There's no rule that says that you can't go to counseling on your own. If you want to have a face to face interaction and need a place to start, try www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com.

A good counselor will be able to get a basic idea of your spouse and how he fits into the relationship even without him being there. (We aren't as unique as we think we are. LOL)

FWIW, the books recommended are a great list to take to the library or bookstore and browse through to find what speaks to you. Good luck!! We can only change ourselves anyway, no matter how wrong the other person is.

I'm sorry you married such a man, but I don't think your strategy will work. For every book and quote you make, he will counter with his own - starting with the Bible and Genesis 3:16, in your specific crazy example. There is a book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands that might be good in your situation - but it assumes that the husband is in general, a good man to begin with.

Ask your pastor or an elder's wife from your church what he/she recommends, as this may be more of a religious issue than a "old fashioned" issue.

I liked:
FOR WOMEN ONLY by Shaunti Feldman (spelling?) (this one's for you to read. Written by a Christian woman with help from her husband and countless surveys of both Christian and non-Christian men)

FOR MEN ONLY by Shaunti Feldman (this one's for him to read)

THE PROPER CARE & FEEDING OF MARRIAGE by Dr. Laura Schlessenger (sp?)

THE PROPER CARE & FEEDING OF HUSBANDS by Dr. Laura Schlessenger

BOTH authors mentioned above are Christian women.

Dr. Kevin Leman has some great books.

I just heard a radio ad yesterday for sessions being held at Northwood Church by guest Dr. Kevin Lehman (whose books Sara T. just recommended below). Here is the link...looks like the marriage seminar is one night, $10. He sounded very funny and upbeat, which is what caught my attention. (He does parenting sessions too, so look carefully to which night you sign up for.) Good luck!

http://www.northwoodchurch.org/event_details.php?id=125&a...

I love, love, love For Women only and For men only! I call them a little bit of marriage magic. They are small books and easy to read. I don't think your husband will get offended at it. Great books with great insight!

I agree with one of the respondents, LOVE & RESPECT is a great book!

I think you've gotten alot of recommendations that are really good. As far as the comments on Dr. Laura, I dare say most of the critics have not read her book; I have and it is excellent for giving wives tips. I do not agree that it completely absolves the man of any responsibility, but yes- the book is for women so the book does focus on what the wife should do. I think it's still a good recommendation, but you clearly BOTH need some guidance here. Bottom line is, you need a mediator to help you agree on roles in marriage- maybe you could start going without him, and maybe he'll come around? Anyway, I would recommend "5 love languages". It is great at teaching you how to show love to your spouse in a way that is most meaningful to that person. It's an easy read, and could give great insight to you and your husband. Sacred Marriage is also good, but would not be very helpful if you don't have some religious/spiritual beliefs in God. If your husband is not a believer, this book will not mean much to him (although I still feel it's an excellent book).

You may check the Library, there are good books that may be helpful.

I just started reading Love & Marrige: The Love She most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I've never read a book on relationships like this one...its filled with tons of AH'ha moments AND the best thing is that I've changed certain things about myself and have seen improvement in the relationship. My sister and her fiance have gone to his seminars and have a strong relationship... they were introduce to him by her soon to be in-laws... Good luck! Its worth every cent!

I would suggest that you go to counseling alone, since your husband won't go with you. The counselor can help you learn how to deal with all of this. You can't change your husband but you can learn how to deal with the stress a little better (if you truly want to save the marriage). For many years, my hubby and I went to counseling and it just wasn't getting better. I stuck with it. All of the sudden, it was like a lightning bolt hit us and our marriage made a complete turn-around. It does take time. But also the right counselor. I used to always read books and would tell him some of the things in it that I thought pertained to him/ me/ us. That kinda turned him the opposite way. He didn't care what "other people" said. Anyhow, it will take a lot of work, especially until your hubby comes around and realizes he needs to make some compromises. Good luck to you!!!!!

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggriches. Its a good one. My husband also in his passive aggressive way refused to read it also ( he was too busy, too tiredetc...), so I read it out loud every night when he came to bed. I wish you happiness!!!

You have some great answers here. I know that Jimmy Evans is an amazing author. I had to do a premarriage class at my church with my now husband and the curriculum was Marriage On The Rock. It is absolutely amazing and think it could help. The church I attend also has great equip classes for marriages and families. I attend Gateway Church in Southlake. They also have campuses in NRH and in Frisco or you can even watch on the web at www.gatewaypeople.com. Pastor Robert says a woman should respect he husband but there will be no respect unless a husband HONORS his wife. I also recommend books by John and Stasi Eldredge. I have read Captivating (every man and woman should read this book!!!) and Wild At Heart (gives a you a different view of the way men behave, very interesting!!!). They also have a new book which I just found out about and am going to go buy and read today called Love & War: Finding The Marriage You Dreamed Of. I'm sure it will be wonderful.
I would also suggest counseling. If he won't go with you, then you should definitely go for yourself. I would definitely recommend a christian marriage counselor. If you need some names, I have some.
I wish you the best of luck and will be praying for clarity for you both.
God Bless!!!

I am actually excited to answer this question! I have had similar problems and it is diffucult when you desire the other person to change desperately or to at least agree to counseling. My husband didn't seem to respond to my needs and he was not open to counseling either. I was at the point where I felt like "If I can't do anything to change him and he won't change then I need help to know how to cope or change myself to be happy."
I am currently reading this book and it has already changed me, my husband and my marriage. It is called "The Surrendered Wife" (don't rule it out just yet ;o) by Laura Doyle. I know the name makes me cringe as well but it is not about women becomeing door matts. It is actually very empowering! The Surrendered Wife will show you how to transform a lonely marriage into a passionate union. ("Forget the rights and wrongs-it works. It's a miracle!" Fay Weldon) It is actually a step by step guide and not just flowery thoughts with no practical application. I have found that I gain wisdom from every chapter. Applying these steps to your marriage will change how you view your husband, help you understand him, feel compassion towards him instead of irritation and will in turn cause him to step up to the challenge and respond differently towards you. I never thought just changing myself alone would help my marriage but it truly has! At the same time I feel I am not neglecting myself or my needs but just the opposite is true. I would highly recommend this book to any type of woman in any type of marriage from any type of spiritual background. Good luck! Your commitment to your marriage even if just for the children is a huge step! Hang in there and know there are other mamas out there to encourage you and who are going through the same thing.

Looks like you've gotten lots of good answers & suggestions so I just wanted to add a couple of quick tidbits. First, if your hubby is suggesting he is in charge of telling you what to do, you should look into some Christian books about the husband's role in the family. I've never seen ANY books that suggests this notion is correct...God wants men to be the LEADERS of their family...not the DICTATORS! You shouldn't have trouble finding books about that role...I know T.D. Jakes has written several. It sounds like his view on his role is just skewed & he needs some godly counsel to help him figure it out. If you two go to church, I highly suggest getting with your minister/pastor or elder in the church & talk with them. In my experience, I've found men tend to listen to & relate better to other, experienced men than their own wives --- especially when the message is contrary to what they believe! =) Another thought on a good book to read is called "I Don't Want a Divorce" --- I can't remember the author --- and you don't have to be on the brink of a divorce to read & use the very helpful information in it. It covers lots of important ways to communicate, love & support each other. It is also set up to read if only one partner is interested in participating. The author is humorous so even though the matter is serious, it's a little easier to read than some marraige books! One last thing --- I think it is very honorable that you are trying to work it out instead of running at the first signs of a serious disagreement. This is definitely a vital part of your marraige that needs work, but you are trying to work it out! That's fantastic! Marriage is not something to toss aside & try again later. Kudos to you for making an effort! Best of luck on finding exactly what works for you guys! God bless & you will be in my prayers!

I've just finished a book called "For Better" by Tara Parker-Pope (the subtitle is something about the science of a good marriage). She goes into some of what you're talking about a bit as far as how the definition of marriage has changed over the years (from an economic/social contract vs love union), and some about the different types of marriages at the end. A lot of the book is how to improve your current marriage based on all the research that has been done on marriage (like how to fight "fair", etc.). Since I love all things research and science-based, this was a great book. Good luck! My parents do quite a bit of marriage counseling, and this would fit under the "minefields of assumptions"--we all go into marriage with certain expectations and assumptions about everything from how to cook spaghetti sauce to how to put toilet paper on the roll to whose job it is to take the trash out; the thing we don't realize is that the other person has completely different assumptions about everything, but since they aren't communicated (how can we know to even communicate what we assume to be correct--those things usually go unsaid), they're like minefields that the other person unexpectedly walks on and it blows up and you never even realize why. I'm so sorry that he is so inflexible about gender roles. It's not impossible to change these things, but it is messing with his concept of "how things should be." This is the realm of the arguable--whose definition of roles? whose values? where did they come from? what is the proof or evidence used to back up the argument? why? what are any unstated assumptions in the belief system that need to be revealed? why his definition over yours? These things are not set in stone by any means; we make new meaning of them every generation and as circumstances change. Sorry--this is getting long-winded. If his argument is on religious grounds, you might look into a book called "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell (it's at the library) or "The Blue Parakeet." Those might help as well. Best of luck to you!!!

Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas is an excellent book that discusses the entire purpose of marriage.

Sorry if I'm repeating what others have posted. Here are 2 that I've found helpful with my own marriage:

*The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
*Love and Respect (The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs) by Dr.Emerson Eggerichs

Best of luck!

Hi G.,
You got great answers here!!! I even saved it in my bookmark for later us just in case I need it...In my experience, I'm almost 10 yrs married and I have learned that love and honor is the key to get to your husband. I do related to your situation because my husband is hard head also and he's never wrong. In the beginning I got so frustrated because I wanted to change him to my way...and you know what? You will lose a lot of energy if you go that way. Now I'm at the point to accept him the way he is and keep loving, honoring and praying for him to change or I better say, to grow up a little bit and pay attention to other points of view and get a happy medium. In my opinion we all have faults but we are willing to change/modified our faults if we see the other person is willing to work it out because we get tired of be the one to always go their ways.

About the books, I like 5 languagues of love from Gary Chapman. He also has 5 languagues of apology. I also recommend Jimmy Evans (www.marriagetoday.com). His testimony is that he used to be treated his wife bad and don't give her the attention/time she needed and how God change him and that changed his marriage for good.

God Bless you and help you on how get out of this frustation!

Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil. Focuses on what is in your control (which of course is not your spouse). Also, hang out with other couples who are good role models. Good luck!

I received the book, "Power of a Praying Wife" from a friend at my bridal shower 10 years ago and have loved it for my marriage.
I also like "Creative Marriages" by ed young.

Marriage on the Rocks. Worked miracles for friends of mine.

I would recommend looking at some of the books written by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. Here is their website http://www.realrelationships.com/ They spoke at our church a couple of years ago. They are great to listen to and they are a real married couple with real problems and they share that. They also have a great sense of humor. Check out their website--it tells you about them and you can look at their books to see which one(s) would be helpful.

Pretty much any marriage book will state no one should boss the other one around, including the husband being the boss type thing. But really, I doubt pointing to a book will make him not feel the way he does. His view is right to him, and he's as likely to change it as you are to change yours.
He could bust out a religious book and show you women are meant to serve and defer to their husbands. Would it make you change your mind? No. You would simply disagree with the book.

There are so many types of personalities and marriages, there's really no one way. Proving old fashioned men wrong is not often the best sugar to draw flies....You guys have to do your best to please each other and be as selfless as possible and compromise on what you expect. In time, you'll see if it can work or not. Having clashing life philosophies on roles of spouses might not be the best for the kids in the long rung anyway unless you can both be yourselves and wholly accept the other without trying to change them.
I have a nutty aunt and uncle. She is VERY old fashioned and he is the polar opposite modern type. They have managed to be compatible opposites somehow and joke about everything. Neither has succeeded in budging the other in 40 years, and they quit trying long ago. To be honest, I don't know if I could do it, since the needs are so different. Hind sight is 20 20, but that really is something best nailed down BEFORE marriage...but you could work it out-they did!

Good luck, so sorry to hear about the trouble, I hope you get good books, there may be some good coping mechanisms for you to use, or something you can explain to him in one so he understands what you think, but proving to him that your view is what he should feel because you find it in a book may not succeed. Be prepared to have to keep winging it without the wisdom of the "degreed ones" with him!

I read your post and wanted to respond just to say how wonderful it is that you are working on your goal of a healthy marriage, instead of just walking away. Others have posted several good books, which should give you a good start. But I would encourage you to go to counseling alone, if he won't go with you, to offer support and guidance as you go through this. I hope your husband will be open to the books, then may possibly agree to go with you, but if not, they could still help you. Since you are both coming from such different perspectives, I'm sure there will need to be compromises from you both. I wish you the best, and hope you will build the strong marriage you deserve!

You have no control over what another person does - you can only control how you react. If you are looking for ammunition with which to arm yourself in preparation for battles with your husband, you have the wrong attitude. Have you ever heard the phrase "you can be right or you can be married?" Instead of spending energy arming for conflict to determine a "winner" (where you both lose, by the way) try something different. Accept the fact that you have differing philosophies of what marriage should be, and figure out how to take advantage of those differences to help you accomplish goals together. Set a goal. Figure out how each of you can best contribute towards meeting that goal. When you accomplish the goal, celebrate! That will take the focus off you as individuals, and put it on you as a team. That's how you really win.

I tried an online course, the first 3 were free and it really helped. We've been marriage 11 years, but after the 3 baby, we really drifted apart. I think we were both checking out and making our priorities everything else. I watched a couple by myself and it gave me perspective and then I got him to watch one with me (it was only 5 minutes) and he like what she (Dr. Filmore) was saying and so he watched more with me. Anyways, things are going great now, so I'm really happy with the courses! http://strongmarriagenow.com/coursedetail/3 is the webaddress plus, I just saw a coupon code for 75% off if you are willing to give feedback. It is STUDY75. Good luck!

You can find books on BOTH sides of the issue. One that will tell you to be subservient and one that will tell you that the wife and husband are equals. They will all be from professionals. So, what REALLY needs to happen is that you and your husband need to sit down at a GOOD time, before you are fighting and figure out what will work in YOUR family. Not anyone else's. Don't worry about what the supposed professionals say....there are so many.
L.

Love For A Lifetime, Building a Marriage That Will Go the Distance by Dr. James Dobson is an awesome book that I got for my wedding. Another great book I have is The Five Love Languages, How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. I highly recommend these to books to any engaged person, newlyweds or couples married for years.

I 2nd the book Riley suggested. The Seven Principles also is a workbook for both of you to do. Five love languages is a good readI also would suggest confiding into a married couple that seems to "have it together", preferably an older couple. Ask your husband who he thinks has a good marriage then go from there. Of course the best thing to do is go to your church & if you don't have one then find one & talk to the Pastor. Men seem to love to say "even the bible says woman are suppose to be submissive to their husbands". So if that's the sense of "old fashion" that you mention then I would seek a Pastor for marital counseling. Oh and watch the movie Fireproof.

But just keep in mind that everyone has different ideas on what has worked in their marriage. Some woman like being told what to do & how to do it. And other woman believe that no man should tell them what to do. Everyone has different tolerances in marriages, friendships, & relationships in general. One of my friends dotes on her husband like a 50's housewife, and she loves it. Whereas I am more of a partner & have a say in how our home is run & I make more of the decisions. You guys may be having a power struggle right now & it will take lots of time, patience & tears to work it thru but hang in there.

There are lots of good ones - 5 love languages is one I like... BUT make sure a book is something he'll relate to. I'd first try to establish the core issue of what you have - communication, values, both. A counselor would be great!

It is as head of household the man is suppose to protect and love his family. The wife is suppose to submit but the man has to be the one who steers the ship. I had two husbands and one did not have God as his leader so the family crumbled. The other one could not guide finances. So it is hard. You are an equal but only a real loving man who is doing what God wants can be honored really. No one can you what to do. He is the one who has to be trusted completely with your life that discussions together and decisions made together. God Bless GingerW

I believe the book and seminar AG is referring to is actually called Love & Respect. It is an awesome book. Just remember you are an adult and an individual. There is a difference between a parent and a spouse. I was in a similar relationship with a guy who believed the wife was to submit to the husband...needless to say I didn't comply very well.

I wish you luck!
K.

Anything by John Gottman -- he has conducted decades of marriage research and writes books that are reader friendly.

Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. This book is very good. He may even read it. It will open your eyes the the way a marriage should be.
good luck