My almost 4-year old daughter has had some intense stranger anxieties for two years now! Whenever we are at the grocery store, or anywhere in public, if a stranger tries to talk to her, instead of being shy, she gets angry and lashes out! I've been told that I should almost be happy she does this because she is protecting herself from people she does not know or feel comfortable with, but it's really hard when the cashiers at the grocery store remember you from week to week as the lady with the mean little girl! I've asked people to please ignore her, because telling her to stop or be nice just fuels it even more. I would be rolling in the dough if I had a nickel for everytime I've had to tell her to stop being mean and be nice to a stranger. Any help with this would be great!
Go to www.thesafeside.com
The video is GREAT and non-threatening for kids her age. It is empowering and entertaining. I got it for my son, and he still refers to it at age 7. They offer other products that i am not familiar with, but the stranger safety video is really good.
There's nothing wrong with telling anyone that you don't allow your daughter speak to strangers.
I would remind your child not to be rude to grownups and that is OK not to speak to anyone she's not comfortable with.
remember mommy...this will pass
Hi C.,
When I read your post I just had to respond. My oldest daughter who is now five went through something very similar between the ages of 2 to 4. I didn't have to deal with her being angry but I remember the frustration and embarassment I felt when she would hide and not speak to people. She was always so anxious when people would get in her face asking her questions etc. Not to mention the irrational fear of men that caused me to abandon many a check out line to avoid the freak out.
It took me a long time to accept that she just wasn't going to cooperate and that was just how it was going to be. My husband's grandmother who has alzheimers had a really clear day and we had a long conversation about how they all "get there" eventually. Being the mother of 10 productive members of society I figured she was on to something and she was right. I finally told her she didn't have to answer them unless she wanted to and just told people she needed her space sometimes.
Around 4 1/2 she started to mature and we thought she was ready to try talking with people in a way she had control of. We created the fuzzy jar.. a simple mason jar that we glued eyes and antennas on to make it look like Uniqua from the Backyardigans. Any time she talked to someone she got a fuzzy to put in her jar. The fuzzys were 1/2 of a pipecleaner twisted into a spiral and if she filled the jar she could go shopping. It started out slowly saying hi to the librarian she's seen for years mostly common people in her life. I can't say it was easy or happened overnight but rewards did give her an incentive. Now at almost 6 she ordered ice cream at a restaurant last night and had a full conversation with a teller at the bank something I never could have imagined.
Maybe you could try something similar to the fuzzy jar but not with talking to the people. Try giving her the reward if she is in a stressful situation and doesn't lash out.
I really wish you the best with this. I know what works for some doesn't work for others and each child is different. Let us know what happens.
P.
have you tried to talk to her outside of the situation and ask her what she's thinking when she meets someone new? Sometimes talking about it outside if the situation can make all the difference.
See if she can come up with a different way to signal you when she feels uncomfortable. B/c she should be able to feel that you are on her side, ready to protect her from her perceived danger, instead of embarassed by her behavior. That's the only way she has of expressing that feeling.
Then ask her if there's something you can do in those situations to make her feel better. You two could come up with a secret signal, like petting her hair that tells her she's safe.
Is it just in the grocery store (total strangers) but also with family members?
I would also consult a therepest.
Hi C.,
My suggestion is to acknowledge her fears. Tell her that you understand that she is afraid of people she doesn't know, but that she is with you and you won't let anything happen to her and give her another way(positive way) to deal with it. Such as telling you she's afraid and/or hugging you. Whatever will work for her. Just her knowing that you understand and that you are there for her I think will make her feel more secure. I also think it would help if you didn't tell her that she needs to be "nice" to strangers but that it's not ok to hit or lash out at "anyone" instead to deal with it in a positive way. Good luck.
Since she is 4, try asking her why she reacts that way to people she does not know. Also, is she in daycare? Is there a problem at daycare? I don't think this is normal for a healthy 4 year old. Most are open ,helpful and curious about other people.
If it were me I would be asking questions and getting professional advice.
Lee
C.--
How are your daughter's social skills in other situations? If she appropriate with familiar people? Does she respond socially with peers? The notion of being "mean" is not a common trait or description for a preschooler, so it makes me wonder if there are other reasons for her atypical reaction to strangers. Do you have any concerns about her development in any other areas?
I am a 26-uear veteran of early childhood special education, so preschoolers, development and behavior are all my areas of expertise. I'd be happy to process with you further.
C. G.
As your Best friend I know that your wonderful, beautiful and creative little girl does not need a Therapist and am completely mordified by those who said so. Someone here commented about how it will pass and its true. Don't worry about it so much you are her mother and you know her real personality at home, daycare and with me! I feel in some sense its good for her to be a little fearful because now adays you can't trust anyone! Just keep doing what you've been doing. You are an excellent mommy!!!
My own daughter had a similar problem. She acted downright rude to people until I cleared something up for her. Here is the pearl of wisdom- IF YOUR CHILD IS WITH HIS OR HER PARENT, THEN IT IS OK FOR THEM TO SMILE, SAY HELLO, RESPOND TO A QUESTION, ETC. For the first couple of weeks your child may look at you for reassurance, just a little smile from you and a head nod yes can get her to relax and let down her guard a little. Tell her that you appreciate her wanting to be safe, but as long as you are right there by her side, she doesn't have to worry. She can also follow your lead, she can watch you interact and have nice conversations with clerks, cashiers, waiters, etc. When she does respond in a favorable way to a person, compliment her and reinforce the new behavior. Good luck!
I saw this post and said"OMG" sounds like someone I know! Then I read your name!
Love,MOM
In these times it is difficult to teach a young child to be trusting and cautious at the same time. I used to explain to my daughter before we would go out in public that she was always safe when with me. That is was okaya to talk to, smile at, and be friendly to people she "does not know" as long as Mommy is there. I think sometimes the problem is we refer to eveyone we do not know as "strangers" and that word takes on a very negative tone.
It can be time consuming but helpful for her to understand that the people she sees in public when with Mommy are "safe".
As a Mom you can determine who is just being friendly and maybe others who are not as "safe". It is our job to make that determination. I used to explain to her that "the man standing behind us in line at the grocery store is waiting to pay for his groceries just like us. Look he likes ice cream too, just like you and look he has dog food he must like dogs. " etc. etc. Our kids are counting on us to make their experiences safe and so whatever we can do to reassure them who is OK and who is not is helpful.
HOpe this helps a little.
