I am having a dilemma regarding my son's last name. My son's father and I are not married, but are in a relationship of sorts, although a somewhat unconventional one. My son has both my last name, and his father's on his birth certificate, in that order. They are not hyphenated, simply first, middle, my last name, his father's last name, in that order.
Early on, I used my son's father's last name when referring to my son (at the doctor, etc.) But in recent months, my son somewhere picked up on the fact that my last name is different, so now when anywone asks him his name, he says (I am changing his name for privacy) "Bob Smith and Bob Jones." My poor confused little boy!
I have avoided really addressing this because for one, it is cute to hear him say both last names, and it was kind of a joke at first, because we would ask him what his name is today, and at first, he would choose one or the other... but now, it seems he feels compelled to say both, or he just doesn't know which to use.
I always felt strongly that if my son's father and I weren't married or living together (we are not) by the time my son went to school, for identity and simplicity, my son would use my last name. The time or two that I mentioned this to his father, let's just say that he didn't like it. So we never really discussed it much, but I just kept it in the back of my mind that that's how it would be. I do know that it would bother my son's father greatly for me to, in essence, drop his name.
I know that the most important thing here is what's best for our son, but my son's father is really good at making things about himself, and I am afraid that dropping his name from everyday use might alienate my son's father from him, even though we all know it shouldn't. I don't want his father to resent him for something he had nothing to do with, and I can't be sure he wouldn't do that. However, the positive side to my son using my last name is that he is the last male child in the family, which is less my focus, than the benefit of him being easily identified as my son, since I am the custodial parent. So basically, I have a lot of pressure both ways.
My immediate dilemma is this: I am enrolling my son in preschool on Wednesday, and he has to have a name, one name to know and use. I won't let him go to school confused about what his name is, and I don't want him to have to learn to use - and write - a rather daunting double last name. FYI, they are 9 and 8 letters, respectively. I do not want to send him to school with 2 last names. I don't want to appear to be attempting to be trendy, or have some political agenda. I just want him to go to school with using one last name. I certainly will make the school and his teacher aware of his full name, and he is already aware of and will continue to be reminded of his full name, but I want him to 'use' only one name.
I am looking for any wisdom that you mother's can provide! I have to make this decision very soon, and I am terrible at decisions to begin with, especially something like this that will have lasting implications...
HELP!
Well, I enrolled my son in preschool with his given name (both last names) but advised them he would use his father's name for everyday use. Interestingly, I was perusing the list of names of kids signed up, and there was another child on the list that did have a hyphenated last name, which made me think again that maybe he could use both names... oh well, for now, he will just use his father's name... except that he still says both when you ask him his name... maybe he will make this decision for me!
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Ok, just to clarify, both names are on his birth certificate, not hyphenated... first name, middle name, my last name, his fathers last name. i.e. Bob John Smith Jones. Also, if it would end up that I would marry someone else, I would keep my maiden name, not only because of my son, but also because after 36 years, I have become rather attached to it! I added this because some of you brought up the possibility of me marrying in the future, and how that might complicate things further... so I just wanted to note that I would keep my name, if I did...
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He will have to get use to it and also best for the teachers so they realize both last names. You will need to put the dad's name on the form as well, and let them know if he can pick him up, etc.
Teachers are use to this, with how high the divorce rate is and different last names.
Just food for thought, someone I went to high school with apparently used a different name in school than what was on her birth certificate. When she went to college she has to use the name on her birth certificate (the last name was different), not the name she had used all her life.
Hi! I feel for you and can just offer my own experience. My kids both have my last name. I knew if I ever were to get married that I would not change my last name, so I decided to put my last name on their birth certificates. This has worked out well for me as I am the one who takes my kids to the Dr. and to school and to basically everything. I also wanted a consistent last name so that if I ever have more children by anyone else, they will also get my last name, so the kids won't have different ones. I know kids are adaptable these days and whatever you choose to do will be great. But just wanted to say that for me, using my last name worked out very well. And I am pround that my kids will carry on my last name.
Let your son use the last name that he knows. People have to start telling their children the truth. You and daddy are not married and he has his dad's last name it's just that simple.
Shant'e
My husband and I are married, but I kept my name. Out of laziness and not really knowing how to change it-I don't love it or anything, and I don't really dig his last name either. If one of us had a really cool sounding last name it would have made it easier to choose for the kids, because we love cool names (does one of you have the cooler name? that could help you choose-what sound better with your son's first name?). But, with our humdrum last names, we went all out on the first and middle names. Without caring either way, we opted for their dad's last name, because you can't go wrong for simplicity in the future. My husband has his dad's last name, and his dad abandoned him at a young age. He just has the name because that's his biological dad's name. I just don't place too much importance on the label and meaning of a family name. Names are like opinions-(and you know what else) -Everyone has one! Take away ego of personal ownership of the child and do what's simplest. This is probably to follow tradition and choose the father's name. But whatever you choose will be fine. Good luck! Sorry, didn't mean to be undecided to a fellow non decider! :)
I know its a tricky situation, but personally, I'd go with allowing my son to use my last name. Chiefly because he lives with you full-time and you are his mother, and a mother and child having the same last name IS easier.
Do you think YOU will ever get married? What would happen if you got married and changed your name? Then your son's and your last names would be different again. That is my situation, I am getting married in July, and will be changing my name and my children and I will not have the same last name anymore.
Also, consider what kinds of costs may be associated with changing his birth certificate. If his legal last name is his father's last name, it might be costly to change. When i got my divorce, I wanted to change my last name - but NOT to my maiden name. I wanted to go with my Mother's Maiden Name, because I wanted to be associated with my mother's family. But I found out that in my state, doing so would cost over $500 and I'd have to appear in court! I decided it wasn't worth it, even though every time someone calls me "Mrs. H", I cringe. Changing someone's legal last name might be more trouble than its worth. And, for now, using your last name, even tho its not his legal last name, might not be an issue, but it will be if he wants to get a driver's license or a passport in the future.
So, to sum up, I'd prefer my son to have my last name, but it may be more trouble than its worth to have his birth certificate changed to reflect that. You will have to decide if the situation is important enough to you to pursue it. Otherwise, you'll just have to explain to your son that he needs to use his legal last name for anything official, but for simplicity, he can use whatever last name he wishes. As he grows, he'll be able to differenciate between official things and non-official. My daughter does this because she has 4 names, and uses her second one every day, but has to use her legal first and second name with anything official. Again, this was NOT when she started school. When she started school, they just simply asked her want she wanted to be called...but it was when she was 16, we needed to get her a passport and driver's license, and that is when we had to decide what to do. So, you may have more time to decide than you think.
Sorry for such a rambling response,
L.
I know our society is technically patriarchal, but it really irritates me when a child carries the surname of a father that is not an active part of his family. If the parents eventually will get married and the mother will choose to take the father's name, that's one thing; or if the father is the primary caretaker. But all these kids running around carrying the names of absent fathers is ridiculous. The child is the *mother's* first in an uncommitted relationship; women and children are not property anymore. Just sayin'.
That said -- i respect that your relationship is unconventional, and that's fine! I would say that if the father definitely is going to be an active part of the child's life forever, hyphenate his name. If there is any chance at all that he's going to split, or that you two might have a blowout and your son won't see him for more than two weeks every summer (or if the hyphenated name is too ridiculous), make his father's surname a second middle name and give him your last name.
Good luck with the decision-making process!
i would use what is on his birth cert....name is not important knowing he is loved by both is!!!
my son is 11. He has my maiden last name so now it's really confusing for him (it's actually more annoying at his age then confusing, like when his friends ask him, he understands but having to explain why his last name is not the same as his father's or his mother's, i can just see in his face the annoyance of the conversation.) i would suggest you either hyphenate the names or give him his father's last name so if down the road you decide to get married to someone else, he's not stuck with neither of his immediate family's last name. if i could do it all over i would've hyphenated (length was the issue, but he would've gotten used to it)
i completely understand your confusion and i hope you make the right choice so you have no regrets in hindsight as i do now.
good luck.
S.
ps, you are lucky in the sense that you were smart enough to put both names on the certificate so that if your son decides he wants to change it up (when he's 18 of course or you discuss it together before changing) he will be able to. just a side note.
If you wish to change your son's name you should do it now and stick with it. Just start dropping it from school records starting now. It may cost a little to do it, but you should legally change his name as well. You may need to consult with an attorney to do the proper filings. He will have this name for the rest of his life and will affect things like his school records, medical records, birth certificate, social security number and everything else. He will have to produce his birth certificate for everything from little league registration to school immunizations and they will use his "legal" name.
If you want to drop the name, which you have the right to do, you should make a decision and stick to it. Whatever you decide, that should be his formal name. When you use it anywhere you should use both of your last names (i.e., doctor, church, and anywhere your son will hear it from you.) His identity seems to be up in the air right now and he does not have stability (in his opinion). While it once seemed cute, he now doesn't seem to know who he is and that can be unsettling. Once you make a decision and stick with it, he will grow into it. But it starts with you.
L.,
Your son is YOURS, and should have YOUR name. Period. Forget the hyphenation thing (to avoid "name build-up": "Smith-Jones marries Johnson-Singletary and their kids are Smith-Jones-Johnson-Singletary, who marries the child of Hall-Andrews and Paul-Scott, and their kids are Smith-Jones-Johnson-Singletary-Hall-Andrews-Paul-Scott..." LOL!)
If you and your child share the same name, it saves a ton of explanation (and potentially having to show documentation) every time you have to deal with a school, any time you have to register him for something, etc. Save yourself a ton of headache! But realize that legally you'll have to use the name on the birth certificate. However, if YOU are the custodial parent, YOU have to deal with registering him for everything, taking him to the hospital (hopefully not often!), etc, and it will make things soooo much easier if you share the same last name.
Best of luck.
L.
First questions: Does dad pay child support or are you raising your son on your own with social input from dad ? Does he help make medical and social decisions for his son, or do you make all the decisions, and he comes over for play dates? Who is paying for pre-school?
Your name used to tell who was your next of kin. So when she got married, a woman changed her last name to match her husaband's, because he was now her closest legal relationship. Your son is your next of kin. The problem is that he is also his father's "next of kin", even though you two are unrelated. I have friends who got married as equals and hyphenated their names. Hers first (alphabetically), then his. They've been married for 21 years now, and even though their kids also have the same double name, no one uses it. They all use the dad's last name. I think it just got eaiser conversationally. But I suspect legally, their names continue to be double last names.
That said, your son's preschool records won't be going anywhere. (Like on to kindergarten and elementary school) I would think that you could enroll him with his full, legal name, and then let them call him by your last name so he doesn't have to use both. Who will be picking him up from pre-school ? Will his dad be involved or even know ? Frankly, when my kids were that age, they used their FIRST names on the papers they colored, and maybe a last initial. And since he has two last names, P would be the first initial of his multiple supply. No problem.
You can say you shortened it to make it easier for the other kids, but it really won't matter in the long run. Hispanic kids ALL have 2 last names. And I don't see a problem with having two last names. As your son goes on into elementary school, you will find scads of kids with last names that don't match either parent they are living with. Schools are used to dealing with this. At the same time, when I got divorced from my older kids' dad, I kept his last name, to make life easier for everyone. I wanted my name to match my next of kin -- my children. Later, I began to consider going back to my maiden name because it said more about who "I" was, and his last name was beginning to feel foreign to me. Before I made any decisions on that, I remarried, so then my name matched my current husband's name, and we have two more kids. But even with different last names, there is no question about who is sister to whom (we have 4 girls, 2 & 2). They KNOW who their sisters are, and the fact that my older girls have a different last name than the others in the family doesn't make any difference to anyone (except maybe their dad who extricated himself from their lives when he remarried, and is now working his way back in -- now that they are adults) Children are very accepting of differences, and will simply accept your son as having two last names. No problem.
I have been re-married for 20 years now, and I still answer to Mrs. "ex-hub's" last name on occassion. It doesn't bother me. I know the person knows one of my daughters and they are addressing me as her mom. So I answer as addressed. If someone asks me if I am Mrs. S, I say, "Yes, but no." and grin. I am the person they are looking for (my child's mom), but not by that name. It's not a big deal.
If you think it will anger his dad, then I wouldn't make any changes at all. If it makes you feel better, you can add a hyphen to the double last name, even though you wouldn't use that on a tax return because the double last name is his legal name on the Social Security System records.
When/if you son gets married, then HE will want to decide what his name is going to be, cuz he is most likely not going to want to have 3 last names ! But two is not that uncommon, and I think it's a neat way of affirming his geneology. We should all be hispanic and do that as a matter of culture.
I do not have the same last name as my boys (I'm married but didn't change my name) and it hasn't presented a problem with being identified as their Mom. Since your son's father's last name is his legal last name, you may not have much choice as to what he goes by - either both last names on just his father's. My children's elementary school only goes by formal first and last names, no nicknames, no exceptions. If you really think his father will be resentful toward your son, I would just go with his last name. I think it's more important he have a happy relationship with his father than for easy parent identification. When your son turns 18, and he feels carrying on you family name is important, he can legally change his name to drop his father's last name. good luck - it sounds like you have 2 children to work with!
You need to use the name that is on your son's birth certificate. Since you used both last names, that is what you need to do when you enroll him in pre-school.
My sister teaches kindergarten and they only enroll children with their legal names according to the birth certificate, not the name the parent filing out the registration from uses. Often parents will fill out a different name (ex. mother's last name, mother's married name, etc.) but they get flagged because the birth certificate is what rules.
I scanned through the responses & didn't see this comment, so I hope I'm not duplicating. You may want to check with your school district as to what their policy is. Some require you to use the name from the birth certificate on school records. I know you're only at the pre-school level now, but you don't want to start using one name & have an issue or just a lot of confusion later on. Whatever name you choose for him to use is up to you, as you know, but please change the birth certificate to match to avoid headaches for your son later on (passport filing, college, his future marriage, etc.). My husband had an issue with his middle name being different on his birth certificate than the one his parents later decided on & you wouldn't believe the aggravation, paperwork & legal fees he incurred later in life because the middle name he used his whole life didn't match his birth certificate. Do your son a favor, make up your mind and take care of all the paperwork now. Good luck!
My niece has a 3.5 year old and is not married to the father, though they have an amicable relationship. He has his father's last name.
I have a friend in a very committed (but unmarried) LTR with 6-1/2 yo son. He, too, has his father's last name. Now that he is 6, he is questioning his mom as to why she has a different name than him and his dad. My point is that whatever you decide now--there may be additional confusion and/or questions down the road.
IMO, if you don't want to hyphenate the last names or use your last name as his "middle" name, I'd use his father's last name.
If you only want to use one last name, it is traditional to use the father's last name. You could use your maiden name as part of his middle name for future uses.
Just my opinion, but i think you have to use both hyphenated, If the only reason you are hesitating on that, is because it's a lot to write and say, then don't worry I'm sure he'll learn it and be less confused by that than what you have going on right now.
It might not be any of her business, but i think it's polite to let the teacher know the situation. I would have assumed you were married but had some sort of fancy business reason for doing the hyphenated thing. No one wants to be traditional any more,yet they don't explain what is going on, and lots of false assumptions can be made.
If this is the person caring for my child while i am not with them, i want them to have all the information that they need to understand and care for my child. I think people judge a lot less when you are open with them.
Enjoy your venture into preschool,it's a wonderful time.
Is hyphenating totally out of the question? It kind of makes it more simple, like it is one last name rather than two.
I have a hyphenated last name. I wouldn't have chose that route, but my husband is a third generation hyphenated name (can you believe his 80-year-old grandmother has the same hypenated last name as us?- I think that his family was the first ever to hyphenate).
Anyway, to us our full last name is the hyphenated name. People don't always understand it, and we get lots of mail with our name minus one of our last names, but our last name is two words and that will be how our daughter will learn it. Your son also has two last names. Who cares if people don't get it. That's his name. He doesn't need to be confused about it. Tell him his last name is Smith Jones and explain that people all have different types of names and he has both his mom's last name and his dad's-he's special!
Good Luck!
my sister in law did that with their first they were not yet married but the school told her to just pick one and that is what they would go by so u dont have to drop any names just pick which one u want him to be known as and just always say his name like they way u want every one else to know him as and there for no issues with the father either. Hoped i helped good luck
I am more traditional so I say use the guys last name but it is a modern world today so whatever you decide is fine because you are the parent or why dont you ask your child which one he'd like to use.
Well, I can tell you from an educator's point of view, it makes life so much easier if the child and the parent have the same name. Picture an emmergency, the support staff or office staff is helping out and does not realize that the names are different. Just a thought. Second, you mentioned the father being upset, but beyond his feelings, is he in your son's life in a meaningful way? Will he be paying for the pre-school? Does he take the child to the library alone? Is he planning to go on class field trips? If the answer is no, then put the child first and give him your name?
I've always been more traditional. If the father's name is on the birth certificate then my child would have his father's last name. With my oldest, I was single and the father was not in the picture and was not on the birth certificate. So his last name was mine. I knew someday when I married that part of the agreement would have to be that my husband would adopt my son or it was a deal breaker. There was no bio dad in the picture so there should be no reason for the man I would marry not to adopt my son. That's exactly what happened when I married and my husband adopted my son and you would never know he was adopted by the way they treated each other. But with a father on the birth certificate, I feel the father's name should be the last name, by tradition.
This is something you'll have to reconcile between you and the boy's father. If the father's name is last on the birth certificate then I'd use his. Is your last name listed as a middle name or part of the last name? If both names are listed as last names then legally that would be his last name, two names. But people will in the future shorten it by using the last name listed. I feel you're right in correcting any confusion for the child. It's ok if others are confused, as long as the child knows who he is.
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
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Hi L.,
You put the father's last name on your son's birth certificate for a reason.
What was your reason?
Just want to know.
D.
You are not married to this man, so his name has gotta go! Drop it and move on. You have primary custody and you are raising this child, so he should have your name. If you want to make his father's last name his MIDDLE name, that would make more sense to me. Maybe this would be a compromise he could go for.
My suggestion would be to teach him the correct name. If his birth certificate reads Bob Smith-Jones that is what he should learn to say, respond to & eventually write.
I have a friend whose step son has a rather lengthy hypenated last name (similiar situation as you) and the kidergarten teacher flat out told her to choose one. She refused, since that is not his legal name, by the end of the school year he wrote both! The first is 4 letters & the second is 9 letters so it is possible.
It's actually a lot more common than you may think.
It's important for him to know his legal name...what if you & he got seperated, he needed medical attention, etc.
I think it's great that you gave him both names! He will be very proud to carry on the name of both his parents- what a lucky little boy!!
Good luck to you sending him off to preschool! :)
I would recommend teaching his son that his father's last name is his last name, because technically it is. Since it isn't hyphenated, most offices your child goes through (doctors, schools) will consider his fathers name as his last name since it appears last on the birth certificate and his social security card.In preschools it may not matter as much,but once he gets into kindergarten and beyond this is one way those schools will classify him. Unless you plan on legally changing his name before then, I think it would be much less confusing for him now to start considering that as his last name.
I have a different point of view than some, I guess. My last name is different from my son's. Before I had him, I worried that people won't know he was "mine" because our names were different.
Now that we are living it (my son is in daycare), it is such a non-issue. Certainly a name doesn't make or break the mother-child bond. My son and I both know he is mine! And at school, I simply introduce myself "Hi, I'm Diane, Bob Smith's mom" (I don't even worry about including my own last name in the introduction). And based on the way he comes running happily to me when he sees me, there is no doubt in the teachers' minds who he belongs to either.
I have two last names (kept my maiden name, and added the married one also) . For all important papers - legal, doctors, etc. I have my name listed as what it is - two last names. For everyday use, alot of times I will just use one for simplicity - usually the married one since it is at the end of my name. The same thing may happen with your son later on - but if you have such a hard time deciding, then just use what he has and was given - two last names!
I just want to start off by saying that this is your son and ultimately you have to make the decision.
My brother had 2 children and never married the mother. She gave the kids her last name first then his, just like you did. I am not 100% certain if there is a hyphen in there or not. They are now in their teens and only use my brother's last name. I am also not 100% if that was all along or not.
Personally, I may be a little old fashioned in thinking that the children should carry their father's last name. But for some reason I think that creates a special bond, especially for a father & son relationship. In the future, that may give your son a sense of closeness or belonging to his father even though he is not always there. I believe that is what happened with my 2 nephews.
My cousin also went through a similar situation. His mother and father were never married. My aunt gave him the father's last name only. Again, I feel that he felt more a part of his father, especially since he wasn't around much. Kids are not as resentful of their fathers as the mothers tend to be.
Hope you find the advice you were looking for in someone's posting.
Hi L., It sounds like you are/have made this whole thing much more difficult than it has to be. Bottom line is that you are not married and your son should have your last name. Of course that is only my opinion. Best wishes.
