Name Calling - Aurora, CO

You might want to try giving him some freedom to say all those bad words or names, but away from you and everyone else. You could tell him, "Feel free to say all the unnice things you want in your room with the door closed. It hassles my ears and the other kids' ears when we hear those things. Feel free to rejoin us when you're finished and you feel like saying sweet things." That way he will feel empowered to behave that way only in isolation so it isn't making a problem for others. You can also try doing an energy drain. When he starts name calling, dramatically say, "Oh no, Energy Drain." You can even put your hand to your head and act like you are all of a sudden very exhausted. Then let him know that he will need to do something to replace your energy. He can use nice words to talk to others, that might put your energy back, or he could do some simple chores for you to help you feel re-energized. (These are techniques used in Parenting with Love and Logic. Highly recommended book!) Hope this helps.

A.,

I am a SAHM of 5. For name calling, back talk, the unexpected swear word, I used vinager. I'd dip my finger into the vinager and then wipe the inside of their mouths along the check, so as not to get bit in the process. I told them that vinager is sometimes used to clean things and that I did it to clean out their mouths. Some people of tried hot sauce, others have used soap. I decided on vinager because the kids liked the hot suace. Its also worked for spitting and biting. I hope that helps! Good luck!

My son is older, but we talk about the scripture reference "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths." And we talk about what that means, and when he says something that's not nice including name calling - we talk about that verse and he has to do something nice for that person, such as do their chore. In the preschool room, we would talk about how each child's parents named them and that's the only name we call them.

I use time out for this with my boys. They get a warning about making better choices about how we talk to others, then, if they do it again, I'll say something like, "Hmm, I guess we need some time to think about how to express ourselves better." Maybe it's totally hippy of me, but it works. I want my sons to make good choices because they're motivated to do so, not frightened of what happens if they don't. Consistency is part of the key of time outs. Good luck!

W. Nichols-Dewey, CD(DONA)
www.birthfirstdoula.vpweb.com

He may be a little stressed out with all the younger siblings arriving; and all the other kids who are with him all day. The name calling might be his way of venting, even though he's probably too young to explain it that way.

That's a lot of competition for mommy's attention. (You or I wouldn't like that at all if we were the 4-yr-old and mommy were divided between six little kids.) So I'm thinking that's what's on his mind.

This is a pretty typical four-year-old attention-getting device. Calling names is fun, and it gets attention from others - especially from Mom! What a feeling of power! What a great game!

So you want to make the game not so much fun. Decide how much of it you'll allow - and that much you ignore entirely so he doesn't get an interesting response out of this sort of creativity; after the limit is passed, you may need to take away some privilege that he'll miss just enough to decide that the name calling isn't worth it. This might take a while. It's not that you're mad at him; it's just that calling names is definitely not the way to do things (be both firm and friendly).

The flip side must be that when you can catch him NOT calling names, you want to reward that behavior a little, so the attention comes from doing the good stuff.

While you're doing all this (who said being a mom isn't exhausting?), what can you do to have a little time alone with your oldest boy? It's great to be able to be at home with your children and their friends, but on the other hand he's sharing you with a whole lot of people, and maybe he needs a little one-on-one.

On the school bus we have a little boy who likes to call people names and I just give him something positive to strive for when he says "nice words." He loves to be the line leader and the center of attention in general so he gets to do it only when we uses nice words.