Mysterious/Imaginary Baby Brother

My daughter is also three and is always talking about her "friends". I think it is because she sees her older brother and his school friends and wants that too. It may just be that she has seen another child with a younger sibling and thinks it is fabulous. I wouldn't quash hr fantasy altogether. I wouldn't play to it either, if she is very insistent I would sit down and let her tell me about it and then try and introduce a little reality, letting her know it is ok to pretend but there are a lot of real things in her life to be happy about too. Maybe redirect her a bit. Just an idea. Good luck and take care.

Have you taken a pregnancy test? Believe it or not sometimes kids have a strange insight to happenings of the world. My little cousin (3y/o) starting speaking of her baby brother Dave and low and behold- less than 9 months later a baby boy was born!!!!

A lot of people believe (myself as well) that young ones are aware of a lot more than our adult minds can handle, and really, with their innosence...no wonder! I believe that there is no harm in showing some trust that she is really feeling something along the lines of what she is sharing with you. I have had my daughters relay some very interesting things to me, that have truly made me wonder, and I always try to handle these "stories" with respect to them, in the sense that they aren't just childish imaginations. I guess the only thing I can say, is if it were my shoes, I would probably tell my daughter that she doesn't need to be sad, that the baby brother is safe, and if you are suppose to "go and get" the baby, God will let you know...and he would grow inside your tummy. But for any confusion, I would make clear that this "baby brother" is not inside your tummy now. Trying to force a 3 year old think that this baby she seems to feel love for (wether he exists or not) is not real, would most likely make her feel worse. At her age, for me, showing her that you trust what she is thinking/feeling, and comforting are what is important in this situation. Maybe some would disagree with me...but I hope something I said helps!
K.

With all things mothering, it's best to try not to get too freaked about about the things you can't control. Your daughter's imagination is one of those things. Rather than try to put and end to her train of thought, see if you can guide it to someplace more comfortable for all of you. She's clearly not ready to let her imaginary sibling go. Trying to get her to give up this idea will only make her hold on tighter. From her point of view she is protective older sister keeping her brothers existence alive.

If you and your husband are open to the possibility of another child sometime, perhaps you would feel comfortable telling your daughter that there might be another baby waiting to be part of your family at some point, perhaps even a brother. Explain that you and her Dad don't what will happen for sure. That not even parents are completely in control which babies or even if babies will be born into their families. That babies are a gift from god, from nature, from the universe, whatever you are comfortable with.

You can talk about what a gift she was and is to you and your husband. And how blessed you felt to have her for your very own. Tell he she may be right about there being a brother waiting in the wings. You and her Dad can't know for sure. What you do know is if your family is meant to be blessed with a second child it will happen at the right time for that baby and not before. Let her know that you are sure that if there is a baby brother waiting in the wings, he isn't lonely or scared. That he is where he should be for now. And if your family is supposed to grow then it will happen when it's supposed to.

My son, Max, had an imaginary friend a two year old. By the time he turned three, "Richard" had left us but an older sister, Alice had arrived. Imaginary Alice wasn't as regular a presence as Richard had been, she was less constant to and she seemed to be getting younger over time.

Later that year I got pregnant. We waited three months to tell anyone as I had miscarried a couple of times. Max was one of the first people we told. When we did tell him, he reacted very strongly. "Shh", he said, "That is my secret. Don't tell it." He told us that he knew we were going to have a baby and that her name was Alice. When I explained that nobody knew if our baby would be a boy or a girl, Max was adamant that she was a girl, she was his sister, Alice.

We decided to find out about the baby's sex as I wanted time to get my very stubborn son used to the idea if he had a little brother on the way.

Our daughter Anna was the first girl born into my husband's family in 95 years. We told Max he could pick the inside name, Alice, but that the parents got to pick the outside name.

Hope this helps.

I know it seems too early to start explaining where babies Do come from... but maybe you could tell her a simplified version. That babies, including her, come from mommies tummies. And there is no baby in there right now. That might ease her into the reality that there isn't a little baby waiting for her. It is sweet to hear that she is genuinely worried about this baby.

On another note, have you and your husband ever discussed adoption?

Some very good suggestions so far. I would tell her that the baby brother isn't ready yet, that the store or "God" sends you a message when he's ready. If it's troubling that she's telling other people about a baby brother all the time, then maybe mention that this is something we talk about at home. Maybe ask her if she'd like to get a special new doll to practice taking care of, so she'd be ready. That may take her attention away from the baby brother.

Go get here a boy baby doll with all of the accessories. It worked for my two God-daughters when we were expecting my son.

I know exactly how you feel! My four year old daughter came to me and said that she was getting a baby sister, and I didn't think much of it. Then she began drawing pictures of our family and included a baby sister in the drawing. She started telling everyone at church that she was having a baby sister, telling our family, and then I ended up going back to tell everyone that no, I hadn't been keeping a pregnancy secret.

I sat down with my daughter and told her that mommy and daddy wanted a baby sister, too, but not right now. We wanted to wait a few years so she could be our big helper with the baby, but that we would tell her when we were going to have another one. We also reminded her that when I was pregnant with her brother, my tummy got really big, and it's not right now, so no baby.

She's moved to saying that she wants a baby sister (and apparently now a twin baby brother) instead of saying one's already on the way. We reassure her that we know she wants a baby sister (and brother), but that now isn't the right time for our family.

I know that her "baby craze" came from both of her best girlfriends getting baby sisters within a few months of each other, so good luck finding out and talking about where this came from!

Wow, that sounds sad! It's possible that she has begun to believe her own hype - buying into a story she made up. However, I feel it's much more likely that she has heard something (who knows from who) about a baby. Maybe on the news she heard about an abducted child or a child dying, or in the grocery store someone talking about adopting a baby, or a mom at the playground who had a miscarriage, or maybe a playmate having a brother. Who knows? We say all sorts of things in adult company which must sound very strange to a little child. How many times have you heard the phrase "baby left on a doorstep" or "she lost the baby" or something like "God sent us a child"? How weird does that sound to a three year old who believes in Santa and fairy godmothers?

I suggest that you have a very simple talk about where babies come from. I don't necessarily mean "birds and bees." Just talk about families and how they get babies. Babies don't just show up in the mail. Instead families plan for them and expect them and want them. Make it clear that you and daddy will decide whether there is a baby, and she doesn't need to worry about it - having babies is a grown-up thing. Reassure her that she would never get left anywhere (she may be having some seperation/abandonment fears) and you would always come for her. And ask her straightout where she learned about baby brothers. She probably won't have an answer but it is worth probing.

This all reminds me of a very disturbing conversation I had with my daughter. She came home from preschool at age 3 and in the middle of playing one afternoon announced "I am going to die" and started bawling. It was one of the most startling things I ever heard. Basically, a little friend who had a death in the family talked about it (and told ehr if she ate mulch in the playground she might get sick and die) - and it translated into all sorts of creepy images like how she would go away and could see Mommy and Daddy but we couldn't see her or be with her - she was terrified. Now, she is very verbal, and I was able to figure this all out, but it took a couple of days to feel like I had understood the issue and reassured her sufficiently.

So, I think that the best you can do for her is make her feel safe. I think it is likely she knows there is no baby, but she is scared about something (like losing you or you leaving her somewhere) and she is "testing" you with this story.

Please report back how it goes - I feel so bad for her (and you)!!

My mom-in-law has her masters in Early Childhood Development...let me write and ask her, she if she has any sage advice...I'm stumped, but it sounds like it's gone beyond imaginary friend if she's crying about it and insisting he exists but knows he's not in the house...yikes...I'll get back to you....

Okay I'm back. I talked to Beth last night and she said it might be a good idea to get her a boy baby doll like one of the other women suggested. She'd be able to spend all the time she wanted with him and sleep with him, etc,

BUT, she said the most important thing to do is "validate her feelings"! Evidently she's feeling lonely and would really like a playmate. "It would be nice if we had a baby brother, maybe one will come along eventually but we don't have one now." And then suggest that you go to the store (where we pick up pretend siblings!) and let her pick out a boy doll.

If you're going to have another, I wouldn't delay much. You're probably enjoying having time with just your daughter, but the closer together you have your kids, the closer they're more likely to be. My older brother and I were 18 months apart and were like twins. Our younger brother in 6 1/2 years younger than me and it was harder to get to know him. I feel like I'm only really getting to know him in the lat five years or so.

My Mom in law's advice is pretty much what I thought it would be. Basically, be real with her, but gently and making sure you take her feelings into A.. But I think propagating the baby brother that doesn't exist in this case is not right somehow. Notice that all the other people who said their kids had imaginary friends said the person was there visiting and they were not upset about where their imaginary friends are. I think your daughter is going through a slightly different thing than just imaginary friend phase.

By the way, Beth also taught preschool for 20 years! Eek!

Good luck! -S.

Hi Lynn,
I remember and miss those days of the young imaginations. I have 6 children and among those several similar situations to what you are dealing with.
My second child was stillborn. My oldest son looked at my ftat tummy and questioned, "baby?" i explained thru tears that the baby had died. My little 2 yr old son said, " baby in heaven?" yes son baby is in heaven.

Weeks later my husband was mowing the lawn and became so frustrated with all the sticks in the yard. He started to yell at our son. He had just cleaned the yard so he could mow and now all the sticks were in the yard again. Dad is throwing the sticks out of his way. Matt comes running up to Daddy with his hands up..." Daddy Daddy stop. STOP! You can't move the sticks. Those are my arrows."
What? What do you mean your arrows? I'm trying to mow the yard son I told you to clean this up.
Now Matt is really upset. So Daddy calms down he gets down on he knees to really talk with Matt. Matt begins to explain. " I put the sticks there to point to the way to where I'm playing so william ( my stillborn baby) will know where I am and he can come play with me. He visits me all the time Daddy. He might come today I just wanted him to know where I am.....
so of course Daddy put every stick back just the way it was....he could mow another day.

Our youngest daugter at the age of 2 was playing on the swingset at the park while the older kids were at a homeschool class. She was alone with Mom...she was used to having all 5 kids at home with her...she was lonely with just Mom...so she started swinging the swing, as if somebody else was in it....Lorretta was in it. Then a few days late Lyllian came to play. then Loretta's brother Jack stopped by. Pretty soon there was an entire family. Jack, Loretta, Lyllian and Alexander. Last we heard Jack had moved to Africa. That was when my daughter was 4yrs old. Can you imagine making room for 4 more guests at the dinner table when you already have a family of 8? We loved her stories of Loretta and Lyllian and Jack and Alexander.
I don't know the answer to your problem. Maybe she is just lonely and needs a close friend like my daughter or maybe there really is a baby brother and the spirit is speaking to her...Just listen and play and comfort your child. Let her talk all about her baby brother write it down....who knows maybe your next child will be exatly who she is describing...i really think the key is to just be in the moment with your child....
good luck

oh lynn, just speculation here but maybe she's seen something on tv someone getting a baby sibling. i know blues clues had a show like that. i haven't dealt with anything like that except we have 'a puppy.' his name is pickles and he lives up in the sky far far away, and we need a ladder to go get him cause he's lonely. this is the story my then 3 year old, now 4 year old, started saying. i tried telling her we don't have a puppy, and that puppies don't live up in the sky etc. didn't work. i found best to just not talk to her about it. she still talks about her puppy to me, to friends, to everyone. and we let her be. so my best suggestion is talk to people who interact with her and tell them to not ask questions. eventually i hope she will get tired of getting no responses. good luck to you

Ok...I only read a couple of these but I saw alot of angel, psychicy things. My oldest is now 6, her imaginary friends/siblings started showing up when she was about 3. It started with her best friend Kinny, then came Lala, then came her husband Enrique (he's a painter) and ended with her sister Sheila (who was born, then became her twin, and now is a teenager). About 1 in 3 kids have imaginary friends. They haven't interfererd with any real relationships and if asked about them she has great stories to tell. There are pets siblings and other extended family that used to show up pretty regularly. Now that she's older we only see her "sister" from time to time and that's fun for her as her 2 little brothers are all bug eating, wrestling boys. Sometimes when she's bored I'll tell her to go play with her sister and she'll say, "oh she's at work" Or "mom, she's imaginary, I want to play with you." So, there are no delusions.

Start asking her if her brother is here yet. If it's an imiginary friend she'll just start to play along and I'm sure he'll show up for her.

So don't sweat it. It's fun. Don't let her manipulate you with it. ie Bobby broke the vase. She's probably just very imaginative. Kudos to you for fostering that environment.

Lynn,

I would ask her questions about her "brother." Perhaps even have her draw a picture of him, providing as many details as possible. Maybe by feeling that she has been heard, she'll be willing to let go.

This is a real head-scratcher -- I'm not sure what to tell you about misleading her. Maybe you can explain to her that you and your husband are not ready to bring home a baby brother. It may be difficult, but allow her to grieve over her imaginary loss and empathize with her when she feels sad.

Good Luck!

Lynn,

I must say, WOW! I have never been through this, but, I am very intrigued. I do not know what your religious affiliation is, but I do know that children of a young age are much closer to God than adults, since their minds are so pure. Have you & your husband even had thoughts about another child? It's highly possible that God is speaking to your daughter, and you are going to have a son in the future. What an amazing testimony if that is the case. I truly believe that God gives certain people special gifts, one of which is visions of the future. If your daughter is blessed with that gift, hold on to it! Your daughter may be seeing something that only God knows. I would certainly not try to stifle her thoughts, however, I would try to explain to her that you do not have a son, and ask her where she heard about her little brother. She may be able to tell you.

Good luck & God bless!

This may sound crazy, but have you and your husband considered adopting a child? There may very well be a baby out there waiting to come home to you -- perhaps even locally. If you can find it within your heart, I would suggest contacting the Virginia Department of Social Services: http://www.dss.virginia.gov/family/ap/steps.html.

Good luck!

Alot of people, myself included, believe everyone is born with some psychic abilities. These are more prominate in young children as they don't KNOW it is imaginary yet.

Perhaps your daughter has seen and spoken to her baby brother. I know you aren't pregnant and say you haven't discussed it but perhaps there is a little boy waiting for you.

I would talk to her about your personal beliefs regarding babies and spirits etc...

hth

So is your daughter prophetic or just highly imaginative? What will she dream of next?
God bless you on this one! AF

Instead of telling her that she does not have a baby brother, play along. Ask her when she thinks he'll be ready. Let her know he can come anytime she wants. Ask her where he'll sleep, etc at your house. Play along with her imagination - it's fun! My Son had an imaginary friend that 'arrived' when he was 2 and stayed for several years, coming and going as my son had the need.

Lynn, I am going to offer a response quite different than everyone else's. It comes from my own personal experience, as well as others, including clients. It is up to you to explore, contemplate, what feels right for you. And if you send me a private email, I would be more than happy to discuss it further with you.
Among my many skills and trainings, I am a maternal-infant nurse. I have been present at many births, have 3 children of my own, two born at home. It is amazing to witness a birth. It feels like Heaven opens up, one feels so close to God and the Angels.
I believe and have experienced that many young ones come in "remembering." They remember and know things. Until it becomes a distant memory, as well meaning loved ones and teachers say it is not real. There are countless books and movies on the topic, validated research that proves beyond a doubt, that the young children are accurate. And nowadays, there are more children than ever remembering. Notice all the child prodigies, that play an instrument like a master, write amazing poems, books or create master art. They are consciously connected and have gifts to bring through.
When I was young, I "saw" and experienced a lot. I had no one who understood me, my mother even told me not to say anything or people would think I was crazy. I learned to not speak of it, and my inner Life was and still is, rich. With Angels, ArchAngels, with knowing things. As a child, in addition to ArchAngels and Angels, I had a "friend", Jonathan, who always was close and listened, was so supportive during difficult periods. He was quite real, I could feel, hear his voice and sense him with me. As well as the Angels.
I believe we all have Guardian Angels, every human on Earth. More than one. I also know that our relatives can still be with us after they have passed on. And, in the work I do, I have seen the souls readying to come in, even before the mother is pregnant.
You will have to search in your heart what is best. I hear your not knowing... And I do not find it "sad", you have an amazing daughter! However you interpret this. When one does not know or understand, one reaches out for knowledge and comprehension...go to the library or google online about "intuitive" or "psychic" children, so you gain a greater understanding and comfort yourself.
I also encourage being relaxed, listen and ask lighthearted questions about her baby brother. To get her to talk more will not mislead her, it will allow her to open up more and not miss him so much. This way she will not feel something is wrong or that she is bad for thinking and feeling these things.
I would love to offer my services to help you and your daughter if you are receptive. Due to my early experiences of no one understanding, it is my passion and joy to assist adults and children in being comfortable with their intuitive side, in understanding better what is going on.
God's Peace, Understanding and Blessing to you and your daughter.

my thought is she had a dream. or maybe God is telling her something. children have great forsight in these things. i dont have any advice though. but if it becomes a problem you cant figure out maybe a child psychologist can give you some ideas o how to figure out what she's talking about and help her get through it.

Hmmm, best of luck to you. If it was an imaginary friend or pet, I don't think it would be as unnerving. My first daughter had 2 imaginary friends that developed prior to her sister being born (when she was 2). We still pretend they exist and include them in our imaginary play (now that she is 5) but I have never had a worry about it. We used to open doors when they would arrive for a play date and set pretend places at the table when they would eat with us.

However, I understand it is a little more delicate when you are dealing with an imaginary sibling. I hope the other parents have offered something useful that will help you. I'm inclined to widen her imagination by helping her develop an imaginary friend and try to move more of the focus on to the friend. Maybe she'll be excited about the playmate and focus less on the baby brother. I doubt she'll drop it. I agree with the other moms who say, be sensitive to her feelings.

I think imaginations are very powerful. Ever think back about a story you've been told a hundred times as a child and wonder if you were really in the story or if it was just a story? I have. I was convinced at one point that I was actually present during a situation that happened before I was born. I just embellished it in my mind so much that it was hard to decide if my memories were real or not. Sounds weird, but I remember that happening as a child.

Good luck. Someday, this will be fun to tell her about. I keep a journal so I can remember to tell my kids some of the wonderful and odd things they did as kids. :)

Liz

Oh my gosh that it heart wrenching! I feel so sad for both you and your daughter. I have 2 boys 5 and 2. In between the 2 of them I had a son that died at birth. My 5 year old has started asking about him constantly and will just start crying telling me how sad he is and how much he misses him. It breaks my heart. I don't really have any advice except to maybe talk to your pediatrician, but I just want you to know that someone else in the world does know how you feel. I will keep you all in my prayers. Good luck to you.

K. - SAHM of 2 boys, 5 and 2

So, I agree with many of the comments, be sensitive, but my son did this to a lesser extent when one of his friends at school was getting a sibling. He started telling people randomly that he was and even that the baby was too little to be here yet but would be here at his birthday, because that's what the friends parents told him, since they were due a week before his birthday. That may be a source of this. We explained that we may have a baby, but right now we wouldn't be able to have one by his birthday but maybe for a future birthday and that we would tell him as soon as we knew if we were going to have a baby. Maybe this will help ease your fears, especially if there is a friend or playmate that's parents used this with their child.