My Sons Made Friends with a 19 Year Old

Hi W.,
I have a 13 year old and I would not be okay with her spending time alone with a 19 year old. I can see where the younger teen thinks it's cool to have an older friend, but what would a 19 year old want to hang out with a 9th grader for? I would be leary of this library program. What type of club is it? If it's a club specifically for minors, I think the library needs to take precautions. I know that free meetings at the library are open to all, but when children are involved, it is not appropriate to let adults in, and a 19 year old is an adult.
There is nothing wrong with allowing one child to have a friend over whom you know, and telling the other that he can't have a much older friend who you don't know over when you are not home to supervise (or at all)
Good luck

It's definitely strange. And not just a little. What could a 19 year old possibly have in common with a 14 year old? I really doubt his motives are good or appropriate.

I would certainly wonder whay a 19 year old is interested in hanging out with a 14 year old. It isn't age appropriate and I think definitely something that should stop.

Hi W., I agree with everyone who wrote in. Furthermore I completely agree with you and commend you for following your instinct even when it seems unfair that your other son had a friend over.

I live in a small town and allowed my son (14) to spend time in the sleepy town center with a 14yr old and 15yr old boy over the summer. I set some ground rules like never going into someone's house without calling and physically checking in with me at 5pm each day. He followed the rules. Well after the summer was over I found out that the two boys he was with consistently joined a larger group of much older teenagers and though I can't speak for the behavior of those two boys, I did find out that my son was the "try this" or "do that" kid that these older teens preyed on. It broke my heart to find this out and I have had major behavior problems ever since. Quite honestly I just don't know everything that transpired and I don't think I will ever find out. All I know is that my son changed and he stills wants to hang out with these older kids.

Needless to say, it was painful but I put a complete halt on any trips to town. Not only do parents have to worry about sexual predators but you also have to think about how vulnerable these younger children are. My son felt accepted and happy meanwhile they thought it was funny when he tried to smoke a cigarette and pot. Yeah real funny!

I have had my son in counseling for 4 months now. We monitor every friend. I call their parents to ensure that all activities are on the "up and up". Fortunately for us my son is really into sports so he plays in the fall, winter and spring. It was the summer that caught us and the older kids that brought my son into the group won't even look me in the face when I drive through town. They know that I know! (It also helps that my husband is a paramedic - wears a badge - and is part of the fire company.)

Stick to your instincts and don't allow any amount of pleading change your mind. This "guy" is too old to be any kind of playmate for your 14yr old. Even if he seems harmless, will you ever really know?

This is a big thing in a boys life. You are really brave to bring it to light. Thank you - for parents and their young sons.

H.

I too think you should end the connection your son has with this 19 year old. You need to go with your gut and you know it's telling you something is not right. You also have to protect your son because once something happens, you cannot undo the damage it's done. And whenever someone tells me I'm overreacting I always simply say that my child is not worth the risk. Period. Why take that chance?

Hi W.,

This is called arrested developement.

It happens when you use drugs. When you stop using drugs you will be at the emotional age of when you began.

It happens with molestation. The molester molests children the age HE/SHE was at the time of molestation.

It happens to child stars. They become mini-adults and when they wake up they act out like the little kids they were not allowed to be at the time.

It happened to Micheal Jackson who plays with 12 to 14yr olds.

It happens to people who after college put all their energy into their careers and than when they are ready to date they date 21 to 24yr olds, even though they are now in their later 40's and 50's.

It happens to Priest and Rabbis. It happens to anyone who has to put a part of themselves in the closet - they will act out and not in a healty way.

All I know is, when I was 14 the ONLY time 19yr olds hung around with us was when we were using or if they were slow. I would stick to your instincts. Meet the kid and hang out with them a bit and see what you think.
Dont mean to scare you but if it were my child I would instantly remember when I was a kid and what we did.(and we were bad, bad, bad!!) I would be on guard.

A healthy 19 year old should have no interest in a 14 year old. Trust me from my own experience. If your son is looking for an older male mentor I would look at a community based thing like BIg Brothers or something that has some adult supervision. 14 is such a tough age for kids these days and they should be around positive role models (not 19 year olds that are not in college or working full time). Your son is 14 and you are his mother and ultimately responsible for him. Good luck!

Hi W.,

There are many factors to consider: what kind of "club" is this that they both belong to, and is that the thing that brings them together around a common interest? Is your son particularly mature or socially sophisticated for his age? Is this friend perhaps a little slow in his own development, decreasing the perceived age difference? In another few years, the age difference between them would not be noteworthy. At 14 and 19 however, it is. One is still mostly a child; the other becoming a man.

I think that if there are good reasons for them to be friends, letting them do so under your supervision is probably fine. But no matter what, you're the mom. If you feel that your son may be unsafe or in an kind of jeopardy, it's your responsibility to stop it.

Good luck!

Hi W.
It does sound a bit strange. It's hard to imagine what a 14yro and a 19yro would have in common. Why don't you just ask him? Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't suggest this, but a 19yro man is old enough to understand that you are concerned for you younger son. That being said, maybe you could just kind of monitor the situation by having them at your house so you can observe the friendship. Good luck, hope all works out.

Hi W....
What is that saying..."if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck..." (something like that!!)

Trust your instincts...they will never fail you.
What kind of 19 year old MAN (out of high school I would presume) wants to hang out with a 14 year old BOY? Strange - strange - strange.

Merry Christmas to you and yours...keep them safe.
J.

Trust your instincts... If you have a weird feeling you probably have reason. There is a huge maturity difference between 19 and 14. The things i did at 14 and at 19 were worlds apart. However, if this person is acting more like a big brother and is really a stand up type of guy then it could be a positive influence. Like a camp counselor or something. I would get to know him better while you are there and ask your son how he sees this friendship...

I think this may be unusual. Most kids who are out of high school (or a HS senior) would not be interested in hanging out with a 14 year old. He may teach your son something that you would not approve of or have some ulterior motives. Or he could be very immature for his age and not feel comfortable hanging out with people his own age. Either way, I would explain your reservations about this friend to your son. Be honest and explain that sometimes older people like to prey on younger teens and that you worry about him hanging around someone so much older.

Ohhh..this is so tough! Everyone wants to be kind and open minded however...
This is very suspicious. Why would a 19 year old want to be friends with a 14 year old?? Also, what does the 19 yr old do that he has the time?? Doesn't he work and/or go to school?
Unless there is some situation with the 19 yr old that makes him a bit more innocent then others his age (does he have a slight mental disability?) it is odd that he is befriending your son. I think you need a lot more information about this person and his parents, sister, family and life then you have.
Your son is 14-- I think you need to have a very frank discussion with him about this person.
Maybe once you get to know everything about him (them) it's ok for your son to be friends with him however I still would supervise any visits etc.
If this is a healthy guy this is weird!
Oh, I hope i don't sound too judgemental!!!

If you think it is strange it probably is. Go with you instinct. As a mom I would think it is strange too.

I don't like it either. Trust your gut, it will never steer you in the wrong direction. Why does a 19 yo want to hang out with a 14 yo for anyway....something just isn't right.

You should talk to the 19 yr old and the parents as it sounds like he is still living at home. He and your son has a common interest through this library group and maybe the older boy just wants to be a mentor of sorts. You could find out by talking with him. That would be a great scenario, to give your son a mentor. But if you have any negative feelings after getting to know this boy a little more (and might I add that you should never let them be alone until you have spoken to this family) then you should explain to your son that it could be a dangerous situation and that outside of the library group he should not see this boy. I hope it all works out. Just be cautious but don't jump to conclusions.

When I was a senior in high school, my husband was a freshman. I was 18. He was 15. We are together 15 years and have 3 great kids. I was embarrassed when we first got together, but got over it cause I really liked him. For my own kids, I would question it. I would check with his parents. I would meet the kid and not let them be alone together. If you have that feeling...then no. But if you start to understand that this "guy" is immature..then maybe. Before you judge, make sure you get to know him. He could be limited..or slow... He could have the mind of a 14 year old. Is it possible his sister likes your son and his parents want him around? Ask questions before you jump to conclusions. I didnt want the same things as my older friends when I was 18. I just wanted to hang out. I think my husband wanted a ride places. LOL 15 years later..we are still growing strong. He is my best friend. All I am saying is find out more about this kid.

W.,

I think you already know the answer. A nineteen year old should not be hanging out with a fourteen year old!!! As you clearly said he is a man not a child. Stop it now before you regret it. I may be cynical but with a five year old daughter I would be cautious about the young boys or men
I allow in my home and around my daughter. You can never be to careful or to TRUSTING when it comes to your kids. Don't worry about being a bad mother just be a mother and go with your gut and stop it now. Good luck!!

I have a 15yo and I do not allow to hang out with anyone outside of his age group. I know all of my sons friends and comunicate regularly with all the parents. Tennagers find ways to get in plenty of trouble on their own and do not need the guidance of someone older who has already gone through it. The 19yo may be a decent enough guy, but still to old to hang out with a 14yo. I would question why this "man" as you put it would even want to hane out w/ your son. My radar would definitely be in overdrive. Good luck.

I think you should let the kid come over and get to know him before making any decisions. He may be a positive influence on your son. Your son may look up to this young man. Maybe your son likes his younger sister, who knows,ask your son why he likes this older kid. And its better that they hang out at your place so you can keep an eye on what they are up to. Plus if you discourage it your son may resent you and hang out with him anyway other places besides your home. 14 year olds can be very sneaky and rebelious. Be careful not to push him away. Just always make sure you know where they are and what they are doing.You can allow this friendship by setting limitations. Be cautious but try to keep your mind open until you have more information.
I had an older neigborhood friend when I was young and we are still friends today.
Hope this helps, good luck.

Hi Wonda, ya it seems strange. Have you talked to the 19 year olds mom? maybe he has the mentality of a 14 yr old and thats why they click. i would set house rules..how long they stay..no calling for stuff on the phone...etc.
call his mom up...that may help your piece of mind.
shes probably wondering about were her son is too.

W., I would be in the same situation as you and understand your feelings. How about this, make the rules the same with all your children so there won't be any bickering, "that's not fair, he can, but I can't" phrases, conflicts between siblings, and conflicts between you and your children. I don't like the idea of that 19 year old being friends with a 14 year old, there's really no common things between 14 and 19 year old boys and that goes for girls too. He was late leaving so maybe add that rule to your home. I would be very cautious about that. I don't know about you, I would not want girls in my home alone with my sons, then a 19 year old brother comes along. Something weird there. Make it so, no one can invite anyone over unless you're home, and watch out for your daughter too. She's young and you don't want anything to happen to her, so as long as she's not there when you're not there, she'll be safer. I'll pray for you and that Jesus will give you His Wisdom in dealing with this situation. Follow your instincts and your feelinds. Don't let anyone tell you anything different or to change your mind. Stand your grounds.

I think this is a little strange. What would a 19yr. old have in common with a 14 yr. old? I would feel uncomfortable about this friendship as well, but I guess you need to use your best judgment. Maybe have your son only "hang out" at your house so you can keep an eye on them both.

A 19 yr. old has a lot more knowledge and experience than a 14yr. old.

Take Care,
A.

I would think it was wierd too, even if it isn't anything. I try to go by my instincts, but sometimes I try to be open-minded too. Just keep a short reign and keep a close eye. You might be better having them at your house when you are home and when your son asks for company always give a to and from time. I do this with my children because my husband does not want friends over at dinnertime. So I always say, yes, they can come over from 2- 4:30 so you put a ceiling on it.

I'm going to be honest and say put and end to that relationship- quickly. There's no reason a 19 year old needs to be hanging around with a 14 year old. I think this guy should be making friends his own age.
Lynsey

I would wonder why a 19 yo wants to hang with a 14 yo.
Nip it now before it becomes a big problem.

Hi W.,

I have a 20 year old son, and he had a band at one time where he had younger guys come over and play their instruments. I have to admit my son was younger then this guy whom is wanting to be friends with your son, but there was the same age difference with my son and the other boys at that time. My son did have a interest in befriending another guy that was however a few years older then him, and they too had music in common, but that did fade out after awhile. (However, I at the time did feel the same way you are feeling right now.) I think what your son is experiencing is normal, and that at this age they seem to gravitate to someone older......Are they sharing something in common?? My question would be is why someone that age(meaning the 19 yr old)would want to hang out with a 14year old??? Perhaps this 19 year old guy is a bit immature....or just has no other friends, or he and your son have similiar interests. I guess for now I would watch the situation closely..I would set some boundaries, and only allow this guy to come to your home......I would not feel comfortable letting my son go out in a car with this guy, maybe if your son was more his age, then that would be different. I am not trying to sound like this older guy is bad news, but you do not know him at all at this point, and until you I got to know him better I would not allow any outside the home activities...I know that may sound over bearing, and of course the decision is totally up to you and how you handle things.........I am strictly giving you advice as if it were my son.....you may find in time this may fade....there may be a innocent fascination right now with your son towards this guy because he is older...but I think time will tell....just ride the wave right now and see what happens..Please let me know your thoughts....Hope I was of some help....Good luck!

Take care,
J.

Go with your instincts!

A "normal" (whatever that means) 19 year old "young man" usually hangs out with guys persuing girls, or hangs out with girls they are persuing. LOL!

No seriously, why would this "grown man" wants to be "friends" with your son and hang out with him? If your son was a girl it would make a huge difference - wouldn't it?

This guys reeks of pedophile! Don't feel bad about taking precautions to protect your son. After all whats done can never be reversed.

Bottom line - if he's not trying to date you then he needs to beat it! Good Luck.