My Son Only Bites Me

My thoughts are this is pretty normal. My daughter used to bite me often and bit dad once or twice. I spend more time with her. I do believe it is out of frustration. They cannot express themselves so well, but he certainly gets a good reaction out of you. The stage after the biting (from her) was, telling me off in baby jibberish and an intense face. Even when they are learning to talk, they still don't know the exact words to tell you off in, but they know they are upset. Keep doing what you are doing and it will pass...on to the next stage.

Hi B.,

What you are describing is pretty typical for a 19 months old. It's good that you put him in time out, explained to him afterward why he had gotten in trouble and had him say sorry to you. The only thing I would probably add to it is you emphasizing to him the fact that he hurt you and made you sad (teaching him empathy) and also teaching him how to deal with his upset feelings by reviewing with him things he can say to you instead of biting or teaching him to squeeze a teddy bear when he has the urge to bite instead. The biting thing is pretty typical so keep doing what you are doing and it will eventually fade away.

And I'm sorry to hear that things did not work out for you and your husband. I hope that everything goes well for you for and your little guy while you are going through this process. Just stay tough.

B.,

I believe you have identified your son's stressors and are doing the best you can to make it understood that what he is doing is wrong. But, I'd like to offer a suggestion that has helped me a lot. Try explaining to him the feeling he is experiencing when he bites you while he sits in timeout. I don't use timeout's because my son's school doesn't use them in the usual way. So, if he tantrums or does something wrong, we stop and sit down together and I explain what the feeling was, why what he did was wrong and how to deal with it next time. Example...if he hits me because he can't get my attention...I understand you wanted my attention and it was frustrating not getting what you want right away, but hitting anyone is not nice and if you have patience Mommy will get to help you faster than if you hit me. I have him say sorry and ask if he understands...sometimes he does, others not so much...but, with repitition he's now getting it. He'll tell me that he's cranky or prustrated (frustated) or mad and then, he'll say something like 'help me please'.

There is a lot going on in your son's life and I emphathize...I'm a single Mom working through visitation woes that constantly affect my son's demeanor and behavior. Just be patient and keep up the great work. You are the only one he knows will ALWAYS be there, no matter what he does to you...bite you or otherwise. Just guide him to showing/verbalizing his needs and he'll be just fine!

hugs to you!

Deanna

B.,

Your household is going through some intense changes, and your son is picking up on the energy. Biting is his way of releasing that energy. Redirect it. Create a biting basket filled with things he CAN bite (a plush toy, a rubber chew toy, biscuits, etc.) Then, after you have told him firmly but with love that it is not ok to bite mommy, because that hurts, REDIRECT him to the biting basketm and ENCOURAGE HIM TO BITE THOSE ITEMS!!!

I also agre that "Your Two Year Old" is a great book that will give you the ages and stages and what to expect. It is so important to have age-appropriate reaponses to our children. (Impulse control, which is governed for the frontal cortex, is not fully developed until 27 years of age, actually, and NOT 3, bu the way! so hang onto your panties!!!)

This reminds me of my recent blog:

mentoring versus modeling
(living versus acting)

We want the best for our children. As parents, we want them to develop relationships and form connections with others. We want our children to come down from their egocentric mountain and join society as productive, empathetic citizens. That's why we often worry so much about behavior.

I often hear parents say that they need to "model" a certain behavior. I then see them "act out" the behavior they want to see replicated, and then prod their child to duplicate it. Or I see them direct their child to behave a certain way "Say hello!" "Say goodbye!" "Say thank you!" What this does is teach your child to disengage from their own inner compass, and instead focus on YOU for their cues. You become their compass. So the question then becomes, at what point are they expected to wean themselves from you and begin to develop their own compass, and collect their cues organically from the world around them?

Why not, instead, take a step back, and make them reach for the information -- like baby birds stretching their necks. No fear, moms and dads... they WILL reach for your information! Children are HUNGRY for information, and soak up whatever they can. And children naturally want to please their parents, so they will emulate whatever we do. (Hey, guess what? We finally got our wish! We have become queen and king of the mountain!)

Just as children are learning all the time (as John Holt writes) parents are teaching all the time. We are always mentoring, whether we are conscious of it or not. Why would anyone want to model, when you can mentor, and BE authentic?

It's like magic: we simply have to "BE what we want our children to become!" (Joseph Chilton Pearce)

If you would like to read more on this NVC-inspired parenting, please visit my blog at www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

Lots of Love,
Linda

get these books and read them to him..they totally worked on my son.."Mouths Are Not for Biting" "I Can Share" and "Hands Are Not for Hitting" when your son can talk more it will be easier..but read him the books..i only had to read them a few times to my son and he stopped..he will occassionally bite at me but its more in a playful way but he stops as soon as i say "mouths are not for biting"

Hi B.,
First of all, I really empathize with your situation. As a mom who's been through it, I know hard hard this situation can be.
At this age, children are not yet able to articulate or even identify the feelings that go on inside. His frustrations or upsets can be very easily triggered by seemingly insignificant events. That's how it works. The thing is that it's not the particular event that's the problem - that's just the trigger for his outburst from whatever feeling he already has running underneath.

The idea that he is only biting you is sort of good news. Kids will let out their emotions with the person they are closest to and feel safest with. It's nothing personal against you. The other positive in this is that he is able to keep this in check around others and is not off biting everyone. That says that there is some level of inner control present, which is great.
So - try not to take it personally. He really needs you there for him.
Also, if you know that his tendency is to bite, then be careful to physically protect yourself so that he doesn't have that opportunity. That means be careful about being in positions where he has a direct line to munch on you, especially if you sense anything coming on.
I'm sure you know not to bite him back as someone else suggested. Violence only begets violence, plus at his age, he is not yet developmentally capable of putting himself in someone else's shoes, so it won't give him any lesson about not biting others. It would just incite more anger to bite you more. If it did deter him, it would be out of fear of you biting him and hurting him. The last thing he needs during this time is a mom who would hurt him.
Do reassure him with words that express that you understand that he is feeling frustrated, etc, that you love him, etc, AND that it is not okay to hurt mommy. It is really a balancing act to be there for his emotional needs, while still maintaining boundaries and keeping everyone safe.
My son was a little bit older when we went through this. He also went into full blown instantaneous meltdowns that were completely out of control. If that happens, one thing that is helpful is to use what is called a "basket hold", where you hug him really tightly. It helps to calm down the nervous system.
Another thing I had to do was to let him know that if he was going to hurt me, then he could not be close to me. That might sound harsh, but it's not a rejection of him, just a boundary with behavior. I let him know that it was not okay to hit me, and that if that's what he was trying to do, then he would have stand further away, because I would not allow him to be close to me if it meant he was going to hurt me. I reassured him that I loved him and wanted to be close to him, but would not be close while he was hitting. It wasn't an angry response from me, or even any sort of punishment, it was just very matter of fact that I don't allow others to hurt me. You would not believe how well that worked. A therapist had recommended it.
Now, my son was older when we went through this (age 3-6 years old).
Mainly what I am hearing is that your son's emotional needs are what need to be addressed. The biting is just a symptom of his feelings inside. Do your best to be a reassuring mom of how much you love him, that you understand his feelings, and that you are there for him. Some good cuddle time can go a long way.
Good luck with everything. I understand what it's like.
Take care,
M.

Bite him back, the minute he bites you grab his arm and bite back. The harder you bite the first time the less times you will have to bite him. He needs to be totally surprized that you grabbed him so fast and bite him that he really has to think about it. I'm not saying to rip the skin. It's the surprize of it all that's the ticket. And don't say here give my your hand I'm going to bite you and show you what it feels like. Because he will start crying before you lay your teeth on him then you won't bite as hard because he is screaming. I only bit my first child once, the second twice and the third twice. They never bit anyone else either. It works.

I don't think this has anything to do with daddy leaving. I just think he is mad at the moment and needs to refocus his anger from bitting to hitting a pillow or screaming into a pillow. We all get mad, help him to learn this feeling and control it. Maybe teach him to make fists and shake it off. He needs to know that it's ok to feel mad or get angry but that we don't hurt other people or mommy, because mommy loves you and doesn't want to hurt you back. It has to do with no words to explain how he feels. So help him to learn words like mad to tell you how he feels. Good luck! You need to show him who is the boss now because he will walk all over you if you let him. That goes for all kids. That's why we are here to teach. He will do things to try you every few years. When he thinks he is big enough to do something and you don't agree, we just say ok not big enough for that one but big enough for something else. J.

The thing about divorce is that he is going to challenge you because he already knows that he is a guy and you are a girl. I would bite him back, not too seriously, but enough to let him know that you can and will have to control him, at least for a few more years.

I am sorry to hear of your trials.

As far as the biting, it may offer a little comfort to know that around age two little boys tend to practice their innate aggressive tendencies. It is up to us to teach them how to properly express their feelings. From what I read, it sounds like he is feeling so very many things right now and he may not know how to express them. It may be that he only bites you because he is secure in your love and biting is the only way he knows how to express it.

I would suggest, and as I have done so with my own children, that you lovingly remind your son that "biting hurts mommy" - then offer him a way to express - "but if you want to you can bite (object - i.e. pillow, stuffed animal, blanket). designate one item that he can use to bite on when he needs to.

If he bit others, that would be one thing, but right now he is "safely" expressing with you. Giving him an appropriate way to express his feelings will help him feel more in control and strengthen your bond.

Warmly,
S.

Ditto... lots of good thoughts here from the other posters.

A good book about age-sets is "Your 1 Year Old" or, "Your 2 Year Old"... it describes a child for each age, so the parent can understand THEM and know it's normal. You can get the books from www.amazon.com

Okay, he is ONLY 19 months old. Normal.
Sure you are big on rules and consequences... BUT, keep in mind his age-set. A 19 month old, much less a 24 month old... DOES NOT HAVE full "impulse control" yet. Full Impulse control is NOT fully 'developed' until after 3 years old.

So, a child this age will still make mistakes.
Sure, they can say sorry and it's cute and they realize when Mommy does not like something...BUT, BUT, they can't just obey, much less perfectly. When my son was younger, he would say or sign "sorry" to me....but at 13 months old (when he would do it) he was NOT always cognizant of what the heck he was saying "sorry" for... SOMETIMES, with a baby/young child, they are just doing what we tell them to do....BUT it does NOT mean they FULLY "comprehend" the ramifications of it. Like a much older child would. So keep that in mind.

Also "emotions" are NOT fully developed yet in a child as well. So 'abstract' concepts such as 'feelings' are not fully understood...at this age its all experimentation...and babies this age are 'reactors'... ie: cause and effect. This is how they naturally explore their world and their senses.

Sure, teach him 'boundaries'...but it will not be fully attained as yet. It takes time. Remember... it takes an ENTIRE child-hood, for a child to learn what WE want. Even Teens and college kids make mistakes and irk their parents, right? So... how can a 19 month old, not err?

Kids this age, bite, hit, pull hair, push, pinch. And Mommy is often the one that gets it, because we are closest to them. They grow out of it REGARDLESS IF YOU PUT THEM IN 'TIME-OUT' OR NOT. Time out at this age, is over the top... it won't be truly the best for them.

Just distract him, use soothing words and voices... teach him EMPATHY instead of "no" or "naughty" words/actions.
Teach him positive words/feelings.

Like Deanna Leigh said, I too began to teach my kids from a a young age, the 'names' of feelings, the facial expressions about it, and just letting them identify it. If they got upset, fine. I coaxed them out of it. I did not give absolute black/white options... I worked through it with them. Kids also need to know that we understand them.... I knew that in time, my kids would become articulate in emotions and communicating themselves. And, they are.

Main thing is to remember: if we expect a 19 month old or 2 year old or 3 year old to "act" like and behave like and understand like a 6 year old-- it will NOT work. And, the parent will be sorely disappointed and frustrated with their child. AND the child can certainly sense when the Parent is always frustrated or disappointed in them. And this alone can make a child act-out and tantrum, and get fussy. Because they expectations of the child is NOT age-appropriate.

A child will over and over and over and over make the same 'mistakes.' It can be repetitive. What kid is a "Stepford" kid? None I know of. So, we have to learn how to manage them. MANY TIMES... it is US, the Parents who can trigger the child too. It's not always the child, who makes problems or the stress.

No worries, your child is normal. It is a phase and it will pass. Then lots of other phases will erupt. Just guide, coax, teach, evaluate, and keep things age-appropriate.

As your son becomes older... he will become better at understanding what you are teaching him. I takes time... no child this age will 'behave' exactly as we teach them. It's all a process, over time, repetitiously.

Maybe too, 'stress' can be a factor. Kids of all ages can feel stress... maybe, since you are in the midst of a divorce... just use compassion with him, instead of expectations that he can't attain yet, because of his age. He is a boy... and boys MUST learn to have feelings, to express feelings, to 'feel' and to know it's okay.
Is your son talking yet? If not, this can also be a factor... he does not yet know the way to say things or the way to express himself. Ask him... show him... 'hear' him... guide him... don't just 'expect' things. Many times, our kids will show us a thing or two, and how to improve ourselves, too.

Good luck, just some thoughts,
Susan

Two cents:

I agree with Michelle R, and Julie P struck me as way off; of course it is about the divorce! And biting him back is a risky tactic. Better that you physically restrain and correct him in other ways, never validating the biting.

BTW - I think, if unchecked, he will bite others. Plus it is never OK to harm Mom (or Dad). It is essential that you arrest this terrible behavior now, regardless of the cause. You've got to take charge here and win this one, or his "acting out" will continue in other ways. It is that important, don't underestimate it.

Buy the book "Teeth Are Not For Biting" - it helps drive the point home that biting is not OK.

Oh for Heaven's sake, I have 3 children, 2 have children of their own and NONE of them would DARE bite anyone. Sorry but biting is NOT normal acceptable behavior.

Let me ask you a question I asked a friend who was having a difficult time with their kids (screaming to get their way in public)...

What would you do if your child did something totally unacceptable? (In his case, his child said something racist to a Black person). Or in yours...your son bit a newborn girl or a puppy?

Your child would learn REAL quick that kind of behavior was not acceptable, wouldn't he?

I understand that you are going thru some bad times at the moment, but that doesn't stop you from being a mom...and the main job of a parent isn't to be your kid's best friend or to give and receive comfort...it's to make sure that your kid can survive socially, financially, physically in a world that won't always love him or be nice to him. That means TEACHING him what is and is NOT acceptable behavior...biting definitely falls into the latter.

As to how to stop him...how you should behave...EXACTLY the way you would if your son bit a newborn hard enough to break skin, with the newborn's hormonal mom standing within strangling reach...or a puppy with his owner and friends staring at him with the desire to beat him up in their eyes.

You teach your son for HIS sake. Do not bite...EVER.

Mother of 3, 1 stay at home mom, 2 professionals including a M.D. Grandmother of 3, 2 boys and a girl.

I am all for reading books and redirecting your child's anger/frustration. But the bottom line with my son who went through the same phase around the same time (he's now 4) was that I had to BITE him back in order for him to stop. That's just how my son learns. Time Outs, spanking his hand, redirecting him just didn't work for him. But he fully understood when he felt the pain of me biting him back. We were probably 2-3 months into the biting phase. At first he just bit me, then he would bite DH occasionally. But when he started biting my parents and sister and would laugh about it, I knew more drastic measures needed to be taken. So I bit him back 3 or 4 times, just hard enough to cause him a little pain and make him cry a little. That worked like a charm.

But if your sons responds favorably to other less intense methods, continue with them. My son has always been a kid who could care less about consequences. If he wants to do something, he will do it, AND suffer the consequences later.

B.,

Kids feel when things are going to change between parents... and their situation.

The biting was not only a learned behavior when the child was bit, but it might also be his way of showing he's upset about the situation.

Get some help b/c this will come out when the child starts school.

Also, ask the child did you like when you were bit? the usual answer is no, then mommy doesn't like it when you bit her and it hurts.

C. B.