My Son Is Getting Bullied! What to Do?

We had a little problem with bullying in 1st grade. We practiced what my daughter could say to the kid that was acting awful. I helped her speak confidently. Let her know how to tell a teacher and let her know she was allowed to stand up for herself. I also let her know that I would intervene if things didn't improve. I did speak with her teacher and the adults at the after school program. She's been fine since then. It wasn't easy. Children can be so mean.

Oh my!! My son is 7 and in 2nd grade and bullying is one of my biggest fears. I would speak with the school, the principal and the bus driver. I would talk to everyone I could. If possible be a presence at the school and in the classroom. Good Luck, give him a big hug from a mom in S. Fla that is rooting for him.

It's so hard, but I would teach your son (as I'm teaching mine) to stand up for himself. YOU can't always be there to stop it. Neither can the teachers. And quite frankly, in life, if he doesn't learn how to defend himself (verbally, physically...whatever), you're doing him a disservice.

Our rules:
1. Never hit someone. But if someone else hits you - HIT BACK HARDER.
2. Never be mean or call other people names first. But if someone does that to you, dish it right back out.

The only way that bullies are empowered is by enjoying the power/intimadation that they are trying to create. If you remove that "success" for them, they will back down. Every time.
There may be bruises, if a fight ensues. But they will understand that he is not just going to sit there and "take it".

Teach your son confidence. He's at the right age.

That's the approach we're using. I'm a big believer in "don't let/make anyone else fight your battles for you"...to me at this age, that includes teachers and other adults that are around. And I will defend him to the hilt anytime I get called to the school for him hitting back.

Other people will disagree with this, I'm sure.
But bullying never worked on me because this is what I was taught growing up. And I intend to teach my kids the same.

Absolutely tell the teacher, guidance and Principal staff. They should be funneling the info to the teachers as well but just in case you have it covered. In my area, the Board of Ed is responsible for what happens on the school bus so it should be addressed as well by the school staff to the driver to keep an eye and ear open. Personally, I would be documenting everything that happens and everyone you have spoken to/emailed about it. If it doesn't stop, I would call the police, I know that sounds harsh but what other option is left. I would also let the principal know that info as well. No school wants the police in there building so they usually attempt to do all they can to address it, 'in-house' first.

Good job telling your son it isn't his fault. Be aware that he is not being isolated as anyone's resolution to this. That will make him feel even worse.

Manda M said it. I second her very strongly.
Oh and go kick those kids asses. Just kidding!
I also teach my kids the same lessons.
I was a confident kid and was never bullied. I was not super pretty or super smart or super good at anything (not putting myself down, just being realistic!) but I always had friends and had a good time, and did not get picked on.
If your son lacks confidence, you may want to think about enrolling him in a martial art. Not for the ability to kick major butt *although it's a side benefit! but because he needs to build up his self-esteem.

I hate bullying. I hate mean kids. I am raising my kids to never be bullies and I truly hope it sticks. I make them stick up for each other, and never allow people to bully them, not even friends on playdates.

Its hard for school staff to make a bully stop because there is always going to be a time that the teacher isnt watching, and then the bully will strike again, and with a vengence.

What the school CAN do is to educate children about bullying, and how THEY can stop bullying. Seven year olds believe in kindness and being good friends, and with the right kind of support, can squash the bullying themselves. If a child seeing another child being bullied, they need to go over and let the bully know that that is NOT ok. Bullies dont pick on a group - they pick on one or two kids and they do it to be powerful. If they know it wont be tolerated by other kids, they will stop.

Your son can help himself by saying "No" strongly and firmly to the bully. Talk with your son about different situations and what he can say and practice, soccer ball situation "No, YOU go get it. YOU kicked it out on purpose." The other kids wont be happy if they miss valuable recess time because the kid kicked the ball away.

Name calling? Mean words? Have him look the child straight in the face and say firmly "That is mean behavior. I dont like it" and walk away. Being confronted by their bad behavior, MOST kids will be uncomfortable and back down.

AND have your son arm himself with friends. If there are kids he likes, help him develop those friendships - invite the kids over for play dates and encourage your son to play with them at recess or sit with them in class.

YOU can help by 1)Notifying the teacher and counselor of the problem and requesting that they give a generic talk about bullying (not specific to your son) to the kids 2)Helping your son develop stronger friendships with kids he likes 3) Coaching your son about how to stand up to a bully 4)Letting your son know that he is wonderful and sometimes people in this world DO act mean, but he is strong and wonderful and can handle the situation.

Help your son feel supported and empowered by you.

Does your school have a vice principal? If not, then just go to the principal.

Do you have the names of these kids? Get the names. Does your child carry a cell phone to school with the ability to record the boy on the bus? The reason I ask is that this was happening to my son when he was in 8th grade. The neighbor boy who has a head shorter and a scrawny fellow decided to make him "rep" using my son. He verbally bullied him on the bus every afternoon in front of his friends and they all laughed. My son finally came to me when the kid told him that he was going to beat him up. He was so upset - he KNEW that HE would be the one in trouble because my son is built like an Adonis with strong muscles and he would only look like the bully. Of course, if all this kids' friends joined in, that could be bad...

Anyway, my son's friend recorded what was going on twice. I went to the vice-principal and talked to her, gave the names, and told her that this was the neighbor's kid and I did NOT want to deal with the mother. It was the school's job. I told her that there was a video of two of the bus rides and asked her to watch it. She called everyone separately into her office, did her sleuthing, and then called the neighbor kid in and let him have it. She moved him to the front of the bus, told him if he so much as LOOKED at my son again, he'd be in big trouble, and then she called his mother on the phone in front of him.

We never had one trouble after that. Not one.

She SHOULD have brought this kid to my front door and had him apologize to my son and to me. She should have reached out. She didn't. We don't know each other and we never will because she couldn't bother to make things right.

My son went on to high school while this kid finished up middle school. (Different buses.) However, my son noticed that within a month of school starting, that kid was walking home every day instead of riding the bus. My guess is that he started trying to make his "rep" with someone else.

So you need to start taking names and making your presence known. It is MUCH easier to do this with 2nd graders. This neighbor kid did not know that it was me who ratted him out. He was loud enough that half the bus heard his commotion every day. He probably thought that just because the bus driver doesn't speak English that he wouldn't get in trouble. You can go to recess and watch stuff yourself. Tell your son not to come talk to you so that the kids don't know you are his mother. Then you have an idea of what is going on.

If you don't nip this in the bud now, he'll be a punching bag in a few years. Just do it.

Dawn

First and foremost he must learn to stand up for himself. When a kid is mean to him or bosses him around the FIRST thing he must do is say, that's mean, don't talk to me that way. If it continues he should just walk away and play with someone else.
Now if the mean kids won't leave him alone, or continue to name call THEN he should tell the yard duty teacher or bus driver (it sounds like the yard duty teacher did the right thing by making that girl miss the rest of recess.)
Kids will be mean, especially to those who seem to take it. Don't let your son play the victim. Empower him, role play with him and teach him he has the right to stand up, say no and walk away. This is a very important life skill and it needs to start now.

Bullying is a whole-school problem and should be dealt with on a whole-school, community level.

Please don't go to the school with specific names and end up having those specific children talked-to (resulting in specific children and their friends who will always resent and pick on your child). Go to the principal and guidance counselor and talk to them about how they can work together to ensure that the entire school is a bully-free zone.

My boys go to a VERY diverse school. Some children were making very inappropriate racial slurs to my boys and bullying them. Because I didn't want this to happen to anyone else, nor did I want the children to retaliate against my boys after getting into trouble, I spoke to the principal and asked that they deal with the issue as a community. A week later, the school had put up posters about not bullying, had assemblies, and had the teachers talk to the students about how we should all protect one another from bullying behavior. IMHO, THIS is how we deal with the problem...by stopping it from the ground up. When kids feel that bullying is wrong and are willing to stand up for one another, bullying stops.

So yes, call the school...but call with an action plan on how to help ALL kids who are being bullied and keep your boy from being bullied in the future. He's going to be a part of this school community for a long time.

Finally, there are programs out there online to prevent school bullying. The school might already have one, but perhaps some review/reminding is needed. There are motivational speakers who come to schools to talk to the kids (very effectively) on the topic. It's great stuff.

Best of luck!

ETA: After reading some of the responses after mine, I remember what I told my boys about fighting. "We don't start fights, but if necessary we'll finish them." Which basically means that if someone becomes physically aggressive, we don't back down and don't allow them to keep on hurting someone.

My sons are 6 and 9. I have always told them that if someone is picking on them then they need to do 3 things. #1 - Tell the kid FIRMLY to cut it out. Then walk away. #2- If it happens again to tell an adult (teacher, bus driver, me or dad) #3 - If it happens again he has my permission to thrash the other kid.
I don't know if thrash is the right word, but certainly stick up for himself. I don't want my kid to be bullied. I want him to follow #1 and #2 but if that's not working than he needs to be able to stand up and loudly proclaim...YOU DON'T GET TO BULLY ME. However that may be.
A story...we are living in a house and the homeowner came back and stayed here for three weeks during Christmas. It was a bit stressful since her 6 year old and mine tend to but heads. He is a bully. He hits and kicks and runs away when he is misbehaving. His mom is doing her best, but he really is a very difficult child. So, the kids were downstairs playing and then I hear crying. I run downstairs and see my friend's 6 year old on the floor crying and my son takes off for his room. After talking to the other two boys about what had happened I found out that the other kid wanted to turn off the light, my boy didn't want him to, the other kid was pushing and kicking my kid, my kid told him to cut it out, the other kid didn't, my kid knocked him to the ground. Tears.
My son was on a 15 minute time out and we talked about how he had skipped number 2 and didn't get an adult. But, that I wasn't really that upset because this kid is constantly bullying the other kids. Do you know what? For the last two weeks he was here he did not ONCE step up to my son. My son showed him that he wasn't going to take it. Playground justice (that's what my dad calls it). It worked!
So, I think that you need to give your child permission to defend himself. To have a voice that says you may NOT treat me this way. That if he is constantly getting harassed that he CAN physically defend himself. I guarantee that after a couple of pushes that the bully will figure out that your son can't be bullied.
L.

My kids have all been taught to fight back, physically if necessary, since age 2 1/2. I've got a 5 and 4 year old in Tae Kwon Do and a 2 1/2 half year old who will get up in a big kids face and scream "no" if they're being mean. ALSO, they have been taught to go to the side of victims, when they see bully behavior. They have also been firmly disciplined since first attempts of aggression, such as hitting or rude speech, so they KNOW it is absolutely not OK to attack others verbally or in any other way, and they recognize it when they see it. As for the LAME SCHOOLS. That's where you have to be calm, cool, collected, fearless, relentless momma bear and confront everyone on every level INCLUDING parents of those kids. Let them know you will not be easily gotten rid of. That's what I would do.
While your son should stick up for himself, this is in NO WAY where the responsibility ends, it is the SCHOOL'S job first and foremost to enforce bully discipline whether your son fights back or not, and if they don't think so, give them hell. Good luck and so sorry.

Even if it's not in the classroom, the school is responsible for your son's safety from the time he leaves his house, until the time he returns. So definintely talk to the school, but I wouldn't waste my time on the teacher or counselor, go straight to the principal. You have to be very forceful because they will try to sweep it under the rug. Don't let them. If the bullies are not stopped now, they become empowered and it only gets worse over the years!

Sit down with the principal and do not leave until there is a specific plan in place for dealing with this issue. DO NOT let them tell you to have your son do anything different so that the kids won't pick on him. It is not up to your son to change anything; it is up to them to get the bullies in line! Whatever changes have to be made, need to be made by the bullies!

Also, before you go, you might want to check with your local police department. I know there is nothing they can do because of the age of the children, but when this was happening to my GD and GS (granddaughter and grandson) the police personnel were very nice and took a great deal of time to speak with my daughter and I. They gave us pamphlets which I then provided to the principal. One of the things listed under what doesn't work is having the victim make changes rather than dealing with the bully behavior. So, you might want to go to your local PD and see if they have any handouts that you can take to your meeting with the principal.

Let the principal know that you will be following up to make sure whatever plan you have agreed upon is followed through on. And let him know it no uncertain terms that if this plan is not followed and your son continues to have problems, you will be taking legal action against the school, school district and the principally personally.

Finally, go home and write a letter memorializing your meeting with the principal and the plan you have come up with. Copy the letter to the superintendent of the school district. That way everyone is on notice about the situation and you have set yourself up to take legal action if they don't follow through.

My heart goes out to your little one. I know how it feels to have your child bullied. Follow the above and you should get some action. When we met with the police, the detective specifically said to threaten legal action and put everything in writing and copy to the school district because NOTHING gets their attention faster than thinking they are going to be sued and knowing that you have set everything up to institute legal proceedings if they don't do what they're supposed to do.

Good luck

It's a shame schools today don't encourage kids to speak up for themselves and defend themselves to the bully. My child has been reprimanded for "telling" on her classmates when they call her a name, etc. I'm not sure what she's supposed to do - fight back herself or notify a teacher? Personally, I would fight back. Schools love to talk about their zero tolerance for bullying, but rarely have I seen any action taken to stop it.

I'm so sorry this is happening! As to whom to speak to, the answer is "anybody and everybody." I'd start with the teacher, the principal, the school social worker, and the bus company. Tell them each that you're not sure who's responsible during recess and on the bus, but it's really important to you that this be addressed. At the conclusion of each meeting, ask whoever you're speaking with to give you a written record of the meeting and of how the problem will be addressed. This may sound like overkill, but you can conduct the meetings in calm gentle tones -- just get things in writing! Believe me, this is the way to make something happen in a school.

Best wishes,

Mira

ALL of the above! Contact teacher, principal, etc.. If it happens on the bus he must tell the bus driver, if he is shy about that, take him to and/or pick him up @ the bus stop & let the driver know what is going on, my DH is now, since retirement an, 'on call' school bus driver, here is the bus rules in AL.:1. have the kidz responsible sit behind you for X amount of days 2.write them up (goes to parents & principal) 3. if continued off of the bus 3 days 4. write them up (off the bus for X amount of days) 5. write them up & they are off the bus permanently.

How the teacher, etc. handles the problem depends on the amount & severity of the bullying, I have gone through both sides of the problem & usually it will work out, especially in younger kidz cuz' it can be caught ahead of time.

Some schools are/have setting/set up 'safe places' for kidz, check into that as well with the teacher, etc..

Make sure that he understands that it is OK to 'tell' ALL of the time if he gets bullied, make sure he knows that it is different than a disagreement between he & another child.

I am so sorry, I KNOW this is heartbreaking!

I'm so sorry this is happening to your son. I hate bullying - hearing about it or reading about it or even seeing it.

This kind of happened to my kid last year (@ 5!). It wasn't at school but at an extra curricular class. I told the instructor I am doing my job in making sure my kid is well behaved before, during and after class, that my kid isn't disruptive, my kid treats everyone respectfully and overall does well in the class. In turn, I expected the instructor to do his job in making sure my kid is in the environment I am paying for him to be in (which doesn't include bullying) and that nothing interferes w/my kid learning and gaining the skills he can in that instructor's class. I basically told the instructor to please manage his class better for the sake of the rest of the kids b/c too much time was being taken disciplining and managing the disruptive kid.

Perhaps you can take that angle when you talk to the bus driver, teacher or principal.

My daughter is 11 and I have taught her to fight back. My motto is don't start nothing, but don't take nothing either. She was picked on in school last year in the halls and at lunch time so I know exactly what your dealing with. I actually called the counselor and spoke with her about what was going on and demanded something be done. She is the one who done something about it and come to find out after talking with her, she said that is her job to. Also, my child was so upset and it really upsets you and breaks your heart to know that kids are so mean. As soon as your child sees for himself that you done something to stop it and wouldn't stop until it did then he will feel better too! This took me some time to fix this but I told her to actually fight back and if the school called then I would handle that too! I was mad and upset and just retaliated and you should too!

My 12 year old is being bullied in 6th grade. I think you definitely need to contact the school and they need to contact the people who handle this for the bus company. Sometimes it can make the situation temporarily worse, but I firmly believe the school and the bus staff need to be aware of this. My son was also bullied on the bus as well as in the hallways and lunch at school. As you said, it rarely happens in the classroom where there is supervision. I started with the school counselor and she worked with the bus people. Many buses actually have security cameras on board. Also, our district has an employee whose full time job is to deal with safety and behavioral issues on the bus (sounds like fun, huh). My son's situation got much better, but then just yesterday he came home in tears. About five kids had ganged up on him and called him a "r.... loser" (I don't even want to type the word) because he confused the games/apps Tiny Wings and Angry Birds. He doesn't have an ipod touch yet, unlike many of his peers, and one of them was playing one of these games on their ipod on the bus. He mistakenly assumed it was one game instead of the other and he was verbally attacked by multiple kids. It's just so heartbreaking and frustrating that kids can be so cruel over such stupid things.

A counselor told my son to try to ignore them (which is hard when it gets physical like poking and hitting) or to say things like "That's not very nice. Why can't we all just get along?" The counselor also said it can be useful to sit the kids down all together and talk to them all at once. Someone sent me some good anti-bullying links that I can forward to you if you are interested. Good luck.

Oh, in response to your question about the bus. Here, the school district hires the bus company and the staff for the bus. The school counselor was able to tell me who to deal with at the bus co. and made the initial contact for me. The bus safety and behavior coordinator for the district then came to my son's school to meet with him and the kid who had physically bullied him on the bus.

I am so in the same position with you right now. I'll be updating my post of last week and you can read our story. Parenting is so hard and you have to do what is in the best interest of your child. I would be in the principals office so fast the door would be flying off the hinges.

Stay strong and may God pour His blesings on you and your son.

I agree with the others about teaching him how to respond to that type of behavior. Role play scenarios with him and he can practice what to say so he can gain confidence.

The words "bully" and "bullying" can be very powerful. I would teach your son to say loudly, "Stop bullying me!" the next time that kid starts in with him. Have him really shout it. That word gets attention. Teachers and bus drivers ears may perk up. The kid may be embarrased in front of his peers and not want the label or reputation, or consequences of being a "bully" and that may influence him to stop. It may sink in to the other kids witnessing that what the mean kid is doing is really wrong, and some of the kids with a better internal sense of right and wrong may start siding with your son, being nice to him, or start looking out for him.

The word "bullying" also gets the attention of school authorites as well. No school leader wants to be involved in any kind of drama or publicity these days that reveals them as ignoring bullying, and not taking action to stop it from happening. They will be all over it once you call it bullying and demand they have an action plan to stop it. I read your follow up, it sounds like that is happening now. I hope it all gets resolved asap for your son.

I'm with Manda M too. I think it's a good idea that you let the school and bus people know what's going on in case things get worse but you can't expect them to do much. Just as others said I think they talk a lot but will take little action to really help.
Not only will standing up to the brats intimidate them and turn the tables a bit but I bet it will help your son feel more powerful. I think that's almost as important as putting a bully in his place. If you son learns at a young age that the power of those boys is all dependant on him being submissive he will be learning a great life lesson.
Teach him to stand up for himself and he'll learn to stand up for what he beleives in in other areas of his life too. When I talk with my girls about kids who act this way, trying to intimidate people, taking pleasure in hurting others either emotionally or physically. We talk about how sad and messed up their lives must be to act out that way, how they are trying to cover up sadness or confusion with aggresion. We actually pity kids like that and I think it helps take some of the "power" away to talk in these terms about children who are constanting trying to hurt others.

There was a boy on our daughter's bus that was bothering her and I wrote a note to the bus driver on the 2nd occasion and copied the principal and sent that note to her home room teacher to deliver for me. The principal actually got on the bus that afternoon and spoke very firmly to them and said they were reviewing the films from that bus and if she saw anything, they would be dealt with. Ended up they suspended that boy for a few days from the bus and rearranged the seating. I would recommend writing it down and sending a note to everyone that is responsible for the children - bus driver, teacher and definitely copy the principal on it. To me it's harder to ignore a written complaint. Give them the facts and names. Ask to be called, emailed, etc., on how it will be addressed. Ask if you need to come in for a meeting.

I agree with Manda M about teaching him how to fight back and to deal with this stuff himself. It worked well with our older 2 daughters. (18 and 21) However, our 10 yr old son who has special needs and is very sweet natured , who would NEVER hurt anyone no matter what they did to him, well, it just wouldn't work. He was being bullied at school on a daily basis. Unfortunatly, his disabilities are not easily "visible" but are more in his actions and behavior, so other children couldn't tell he was "different" and would just assume he was like the other kids in class until he didn't react like them. Then he ended up being bombarded with all of the horrible bullying and there was really no way to stop it. The biggest problem with kids being bullied is whether or not they actually believe what the mean kids are saying to them or not. It's kind of hard to cause a kid to feel bad about themself if you tell them they are dumb when they KNOW that they are not. My son needed to work on his confidence and self esteem before he could think of being able to deal with the bullies at his school. I was not going to allow him to become a statistic. He is being home/ virtual schooled now. He has plenty of socialization with kids who will NOT bully him, and he is getting mentally and emotionally stronger each day. I really suggest that you make sure your child is confident and has as much self esteem as you can give him, and teach him that it is ok to fight back so he is no longer the target for these kids who bully. I will be wishing for the best for you and your child! <3

I am going thru the same thing with my 9yo. We got major problems on the bus and alot of the kids on the bus causing the problems live in our plan.
This is what I have done.
The school every year has the parents fill out information for a phonebook. I got the name of the kids from my son and placed a call to every child that was involved with bullying my son. Unfortunately half the parents have not done anything. My next step was to the principal and guidance office. I explained to them what has happened with my son, and was very firm that I wanted it taken care of. Alot of schools say they have no tolerance for bullying and unfortunately they dont do much about it. After that call I called the bus garage and talked to the manager there. If something happens on the bus or at school and my son informs me when he gets home I am on the phone the next morning to the school and garage.
I go this far due to the fact that one of the other boys who have moved away was teased to the point earlier this year that he went home from school, grabbed a knife and told his mom Im done I cant take it anymore. If it goes that far just the threat of an attorney is enough to get the school more involved.
I also told my son that if he would get hit he has my permission to hit back and defend himself. No child should have to sit there and take a beating.
Another thing you can tell your son is to get up and yell at who ever is teasing him. Alot of times the once the one who is getting teased stands up and yells the bully no longer goes after them bc they stood up to them.

I am sorry your son is being bullied and I am sorry for you, I know how it hurt us (moms) more when our kids are hurt.
Yes, sadly, bulling can happen at very young age and often just get worst as they grow, always wonder why kids act that way, if it is just on each character or they are being bullied at home too.
If these kids are going to the same class with your son, I would go to the teacher, if not, I would go to counselor, if things don't get better I would go to the principal. Hopefully at this young age they are more easy to stop this bulling then when they are teens. Just make sure you know the whole story, sometimes kids don't say the part where they do things too, not saying your son is doing something to deserve being bully, just that sometimes our kids only tell us what other kids do to them but not what they do too.
I think is important to teach our kids to stand up and to surround them self with good friends and teach them to stand together against bullies, many times bullies look for kids alone but are not as "brave" with a good group of friends.
Good luck.

i do warn you to make sure that you ask your son everyday if anything happened at school or on the bus. from personal experience, "telling", can actually make the problem worse. Bus drivers do their best to ignore what the kids are doing, so that they don't distract the driving (although this is a little much to 'not notice' or not care about). I hope the bully stops picking on your son. best of luck