My Son Hates Other Children! - Help

This is so very normal and nothing to worry about yet. Even children up to age 4 can play solo and not interact with other children. My son being one of them until recently.

Give it a couple years, if by Kindergarten it isn't changing then I would seek a doctors opinion.

I don't know the whole story, but this sounds fairly normal! most kids don't properly play with others the same age until after their 3rd birthdays. Before this they seem to either ignore each other, play alongside each other but not really "together", or fight, in my experience! Clinginess and wanting to hang onto mom a lot is pretty common at this age too, so I really wouldn't worry too much.

Hi F.,

Just run it past his doctor. It could just be a phase, but it's better to be informed. Follow up with the doctor regularly about changes in his behavior/interactions, so that if anything pops up, the doctor has a reference and you can address it right at the beginning.

I'd like to think this is just a phase he's going through.

Good luck.

Hi,
I see that you have received a lot of responses to this post, but I felt compelled to respond as well because I went through the exact same thing with my son who is now 3 going on 4.
I am a SAHM with no other children and it was important for me to make sure he had other kids around so I always had him in some sort of playgroup or class and he never wanted to socialize with the others. While it bothered me a lot, it never occurred to me that he might need intervention: he walked and talked early for his age and is quite bright and was always outgoing with people he felt comfortable with (grandparents, cousins). But he never wanted to play with other children( he is also very good at entertaining himself).

I agonized over this and wished (for his sake) that he were more friendly, outgoing, social... until I finally realized that there is nothing wrong with him!! He is an independent person who tends to be reserved around people he does not know well. That's just his personality. When I stopped worrying and started to take note of what works for him socially (one on one playdates, giving him time to get to know another child) things got a lot better. Not every child will just start playing with a kid he has never met before or does not know that well.

Age and maturity also play a factor. I can't believe how much my son has progressed socially in the past year. He is like a different person. Is he super friendly and social? No, and he probably never will be, but my point is, that's OK.

I really don't think he needs intervention unless there are other red flags as well. I wish you luck and take it from a mom who has been there, STOP WORRYING and don't compare him to other kids (for every time I wished my son was playing with the other kids, there was a mom telling me she wished her kid was as well behaved as mine, or she wished her kid entertained himself like mine did). The grass is always greener on the other side.

I would speak to a doctor. There could be A. element of Autistic Spectrum Disorder. It's not all bad, Asperger's for example, is high functioning, but if your son does have ASD, he needs help asap to help him function in the real world. Some kids are so borderline that it takes till primary school for them to get tested, meaning many missed opportunities. If he avoids social contact, I would have it looked into. Having said that, initially kids play alongside each other, not with each other, but they do interact (look at each other, say a few words).

A.

Some kids/people are not social and there is nothing wrong. How does he do with 1 other child? I work in a daycare with pre-schoolers and there is one boy who just prefers to be on his own. There is also an outgoig athletic girl who is very independant. It might just be who he is. There is nothing wrong with getting a professional opinion either. Atleast that way you would know. Hope this helps!

Hi F.
It sounds like your son is just holding on to his parallel play stage. Mine did that. One and two year olds don't generally play well togther. They want to do "Parallel" play(play alone next to each other. Threes and fours are good playing ages and even then sharing can be a tough thing to grasp. I love all the Williams Sears books. His "Disipline Book" is wonderful.
Check it out!
S. S

Hi F., maybe he's just the type that needs a LONG time to warm up. The baby book I read, Baby Whisperer, talks about the disposition of your baby/toddler and learning it and working with it. There was one section about a little boy who wouldn't get off his mom's lap for playgroups. She suggests that you don't make a big deal of it. Don't say anything, don't coddle, don't coax or belittle like "ooh, you're fine get out there and play, or look, all the other kids are playing, why don't you?" Just sit there, let him sit on you. You can talk about the activities, like look a ball, it's bouncing... make it like it is no biggie. In the book, this real child example took almost a year to wander off mom's lap and more to really get comfortable and EVERY new activity or place was the same scenario. It was just how that child was...it was very hard for him to warm up to new scenarios and people. That said, if it seems excessive and beyond the norm socially, it couldn't hurt to at least discuss it with your pediatrician. Good luck!!

Some kids are more social than others. I would check him for autism. I have three kids. My oldest is much more social than my second.
Hang in there. Denise

I strongly recommend The Little Gym. It would offer socialization in a controled/structured setting. Some kids go off on their own and some stick by their moms but the instructor calls them all over several times to participate in an activity such as doing rolls/walking on a balance beam/swinging on a bar/etc... the level of difficulty increases with your childs age-- the classes are set up by age groups. Each class starts out with singing songs, introductions, playing simple instruments and then a warm up where everyone walks/runs/jumps/rolls/around (whatever the instructor calls out) as a group-- kind of like circle time. It's a great thing. My daughter has been going since she was 11 mos. old and she still looks forward to it every week, she's 2 1/2. You can call and get a free trial class. It just might help to gradually coax him out of his shell.
Good Luck,
Bridgette

The playground is a hard place for one on one play...the age is also a mommy loving age...I would invite a mommy and child over to play at your house and remember this may not go smoothly because another child will be touching his things but I would try to set up one on one time with the same kid or few kids on a regular basis...you swap houses every week...this is more a time a parallel play not playing together...I wouldn't be too worried yet but I would mention it next time you are at the peds office...you could also try some mommy and me classes where you go together to play(and story times at the library or B&N)...don't push it though...everyone is different...take cues from him and if it doesn't start to get better in a couple of months I am all for early intervention!(I have 2 boys who received speech). Best of luck!!!

mom,

try dropping him off and instructing him on how to play.
telling him NO, he can't get on your lap.

you sometimes have push and encourage independent play,

as for him not liking people, i don't see that,

I see he may be intimidated, and used to adults.

M

i think the route to go is to get a referral from your pediatrician and have him evaluated, as early intervention services are free from birth-3 years old. it cannot hurt to check and i would take your own anxiety as a sign that some might be afoot, although things are probably just fine. although let me just say that there really is no such thing as a simple "fine" and "not fine". There is such a broad range of possibilities of what you are noticing (shyness, subtle developmental problems that "right" themselves with additional development, subtle developmental problems that need little intervention or great intervention, to name just a few). So go ahead and set your mind at ease and get a referral to early intervention services.

You have received a lot of different advice and it is all true. There are phases that kids go through, but there are also atypical behaviors that can be addressed and EARLIER the better. I am a speech language pathologist and I recommend you go and get him evaluated to RULE things out. Pediatricians often say lets just wait and see how he does, but honestly this is the crucial time to intervene if it is needed. Find out about your local early intervention, or go privately.

Good luck F..

C.

Dear F.,

Could there have been an incident at playgroup where another child was rough with him or scared him somehow?

I ask because my son is almost the same age (22 mos.) and has similar issues. One of the things that I think triggered them was that in Music Together, when he was 16 months, a slightly older boy (almost 2) pushed him and knocked him down on several occasions. I wasn't happy about it at the time, but I didn't realize how significant it was until -- weeks, months later -- I realized that my son had become scared of all other children. Remember, at this age they don't have a lot of data to go on, and they can't put things into perspective. So a little bit of rough, too-physical behavior on the part of another child could lead your son to conclude that all other children are terrifying and dangerous.

We are dealing with the problem in part by doing one-on-one playdates in different settings. My son is much more comfortable playing with just one child in an environment where he wasn't pushed/bullied previously. An open space, where kids aren't right on top of each other, is really helpful too. And it helps to pick playmates carefully. My son, oddly enough, does really well with a little boy who's super active. This kid never does anything -- including anything remotely threatening -- for longer than two seconds at a time, so my son doesn't find him scary.

I don't know if your son experienced anything remotely similar, but I do recommend trying different kids, different setting.

Good luck! Drop me a line if you like, and let me know how things are going.

Mira

I would talk to your pediatrician and early intervention. I am a preschool special ed teacher and I believe the earlier you can intervene, the better off everyone is...

Get his eyes checked, my nephew was glued to my mom and sister all the time. I couldn't even get close enought to give him a hug. He would just run for mom and look at me like i was going to get him. When she took him to get his eye exam for school starting, she found out he could not see any further than 6 inches away. all the rest was a blur. He never said a word, just stayed glued to her all the time. Now he is just as active as his brothers and will run up to me and give me a hug and tell me he loves me. Check his hearing and his eye sight first. T.

HI there- just wanted to tell you to go with your gut feeling. My middle son is 2 1/2 and has been in early intervention for over a year now, for various reasons. he was a late walker (16 mos) but was a severe toe walker and he has sensory issues, he also has socialization problems and speech problems but we just started about 6 mos. ago a socialization group ( through E.I.) and it seems to be working. He also was very content to play by himself and everyone commented on it "look how well he entertains himself". I didn't realize it was a problem. He also needs my hair to self sooth and it is a little frustrating at times but I have adjusted ( at least now he doesn't rip it out like when he was a baby.) SO mention it to your pediatrician and if he/she doesn't reccommend E.I. I believe you can call yourself and have him evaluated.
Good Luck!!

his behavior is normal. kids do not typically play together until they are about 3.

He is 23 months old. At this age they do not play with
one another. Perfectly normal.

Maybe he has trouble transitioning into playing with the other kids around. Have you tried sitting on the floor where everyone is playing and playing with him for a while? When my oldest first went to nursery school I use to have to walk into class with her and kneel next to the table so she would feel comfortable and start coloring in the free time before class. After a week or so she was ok to walk in and go to the table herself but that first couple days of transition were hard for her.

Rest assure that it is not at all uncommon for a 23 month old to express a form of anxiety in a social arena. It is natural that he rather play by himself or independent play. He will then graduate to parallel play or playing beside another child but not with that child.

At this age, they do not share toys. In their world, everything they see is theirs. Toddlers are highly territorial. Believe it or not young children under the age of three do not care to socialize. Young boys have more difficulty letting go of their mommies as their fine motor abilities make them less independent (emotion-based rather than verbally-based) than girls.
However, I would not quit playdates. He is just too young to appreciate them. Give him time. If you are that concerned then see your son's pediatrician.

It took a student of mine who was three years and two months old four months to adjust to my school's program. He would cry everyday. Come June, he then cried upon completion of the program because he would miss me.

Hope this helps,

C. C, MST

Absolutely!! I am a assistant teacher for about 5 years now, and because you did say he has been involved in a social group since three months means that he should have been adapted to the environment of being with other children. Have you asked others that have supervised him, when you are not near him how is his behavior? It could be that there is nothing wrong with him and he just like his own company and feels safer when you are around, or it could mean that he does not like his playgroup or his teachers because of mistreatment... I mean i am not trying to scare you or anything, I just think there are many thought on why his behavior is this way. You could change his playgroup location or start watching his behavior more closely and writing notes on his behavior before going to the pediatrician,( some doctors love giving medication to people when it's not necessary) You don't want your child to be diagnose with a disorder and its a false diagnose because you were scared and started assuming something is wrong. So do your own observation/research first closely and take your notes and concerns to the Pd. when you feel like all is not well.

Good luck i hope all goes well for you and your son. Keep us updated.

Hi F., Hate is such a strong word. Your son could be very attached to you as many boys are to their moms. I also feel you could check with your doctor as there are so many evaluations and issues these days that we did not know about years ago. I will pray for you and your son. Grandma Mary

Your first sentence stated you are "so worried" about your son - YES - call the pediatrician...mothers have instincts, use them! Hopefully it's nothing other than a clingy child...but have him checked out so that if it's something more serious, he gets the attention he deserves.

Best wishes to you and your son.
J.

Actually this is quite normal. Children go through phases where they play NEXT to other children but not with them. They really don't understand sharing yet so they view things as "mine." It will come along as he grows and learns more. Many 3-4 year old children will only play next to other children instead of with them. That's why Headstart and other preschool program are focused more on socialization/social skills versus learning.