My three old daugher has always seemed different than others, but now I am starting to get concerned. It's as if she doesn't know how to play. Instead of getting a toy off the shelf she just stares. I have tried to engage her and she has no interest. The only thing she wants to do is read books. She doesn't have any signs of autism, but not sure if there could be another issue. She watches everyone around here always staring and almost seems lost. She doesn't act this way with her daddy, only me. Can anyone help me?
Can you clarify? How does she act with her dad? And when you say that she wants to read books...does that mean have you read to her? Or can she actually read already?
What "signs of autism" have you ruled out, and how e.g. (looking at a list online or has she been evaluated, etc.)?
I think the best person to help you is your pediatrician.
Have her evaluated.
Children are big sensory sponges, everything is about imitating. So what are you doing? Are you looking at a screen a lot? She will copy this. This becoming an issue for a lot of people. Do not do anything or expose your child to anything or anyone you don't want her to repeat.
There are many reasons she isn't doing this. It could be she just hasn't seen any other kids playing. I had a couple of kids, over the span of about 13 years in child care, that came to my center when their mom had to go back to work.
One lost her husband and had no source of income to support her daughter. The other one was a guy who had custody of his toddler son and he just didn't know what to do. The mom had been totally wasted during her whole pregnancy. She was still unable to even visit the child because she was so strung out.
Both of these kids had issues that were similar to what you're describing.
The boy would stand and stare off into space, until another kid tried playing with a toy that somehow that boy had decided was his I guess. He never did get to a point where he would engage and play successfully. He had to leave our facility due to aggression to other kids
The little girl took a long time. She would be on the fringes of the groups, they would invite her frequently at first. She would watch the kids in the pretend play area dressing up and playing in the household area. Then she'd wander over and watch kids read books in the bean bag area then I'd see her over watching the kids building with blocks, puzzles, painting, or some other activity.
She took about 5-6 months before I saw her actually join a group. She did fine after a while, it just took her a long time. I am not sure she'd ever seen other kids before. The mom was a very nice person but I'm not sure she knew how to teach her child to play or interact with other kids. I don't know if she'd even played with any before coming to the center.
I'd see about finding a Mother's Day Out Program. These programs are usually very informal. They do follow a daily schedule, that's not what I mean. They don't do a steady enrollment where you "have" to be there every day or lose your spot like child care. You sign your child up for one day, two days, or three.
They are often at a local Methodist church in my state. We have 2 different churches in our area. One is open 10am-3pm Monday, Wednesday, and Friday's. The other place is open 9am-noon on Tuesday's and Thursday's.
Now, on the other hand. Your child could have an issue that needs to be diagnosed. I'd think having her seen by someone that does professional evaluations for developmental delays or things like Autism. If for nothing else than knowing what it's not.
If she is diagnosed with a delay or gets a diagnosis then she might be able to start school in an early education program. Kids who have any sort of handicap are legally eligible to start public school at age 3 so they can get a good start on learning the things they need to.
I have a friend who's son had only a hearing problem. His test results showed he was partially deaf. He started school the day he turned 3. His mom wanted him to have the best chance to learn in the best possible way.
I hope you find the resources you need for your little one. GOOD LUCK!!
I've seen this in kids before and it doesn't mean something is "wrong" with her. She is still very young and may have just bonded with her father differently. She may be in awe of her surroundings and feel overwhelmed. If she likes to read books with you, support her! I would gradually bring in a stuffed animal or two and eventually, have a whole gang of stuffed animals/dolls/whatever watching you. You can start to play "teacher" without her realizing it. Once she is comfortable with this, bring in a chalkboard or wipeboard and start playing "games" on it with her. She needs interaction with you it sounds like and perhaps she doesn't want to play with a toy alone. Do easy things that don't pressure her to play with toys. Some kids just aren't into them. You could go on a walk and pick up things you find or point out different birds. Lift her up and let her pull off a leaf on a tree or collect flowers and make a vase to put them in. Don't push but just small steps at a time. She will eventually come around I have a feeling.
Also- is she enrolled in a daycare? Does she ever have playdates? I would recommend getting her into something like this so she can begin to socialize and see how others play. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say she probably doesn't have other siblings to show her how to play.
So when her dad takes her somewhere or is with her she takes down toys from shelves, plays, and does not stare and seem lost? Is this what you mean? Every kid has a different personality and it could be she is more of an observer and is more quiet and contemplative. My friend's daughter has always been like this and she is the easiest child. She is in Kindergarten now and still loves to sit and read and draw...is not loud or hyper or rough and tumble. She is like a little adult. She's totally normal though. She has friends in her class and nothing is wrong with her.The first time we met her she came over with her parents for dinner. All the other kids were running around, playing, jumping on the trampoline and being loud. She sat and read books the whole time. Anyway, if you are worried you should bring it up with your pediatrician.
When my son was 3 years old he started going to preschool 2 mornings a week. I was a SAHM, and we had done things together like playgroup, parent tot programs at the YMCA and through the park district. Those were good programs because they got us out of the house (good for mom) and helped him socialize around other kids and follow the directions of the teacher. But those programs were all "parent/child" programs. Preschool was the first time he was really forced to socialize with other kids and without Mommy.
Has she had opportunities to socialize with other kids? Does she go to preschool? If not, I would encourage you to look into some of these options. Preschool is so much more about socialization than it is about ABC's and 123's. That's kind of a by product of playing. Socialization is kind of the key at that age.
If she has had those opportunities and is still not engaging, then it is worth mentioning to your pediatrician. Our youngest has some social concerns, so we got a referral from our pediatrician and took him to a behavioral psychologist. He saw our son in August and then again last week. His teachers filled out questionnaires, and so did my husband and I. This gave the psychologist a good picture to work with. He also talked to our son and played some games with him. At our first visit he felt fairly certain he could rule out Autism. Last week he said he still would not put our son in the Autism category.
Our son has made some improvements over the last 7 months. We still have some things to work on, but he's definitely improving.
It's so hard to know at this age, but if you have concerns definitely talk to your pediatrician. You can ask for an evaluation. You might learn that she's doing just fine for her again, and that would just be a relief. But if there is anything that she needs to work on, the sooner you know that the better!
There really is no downside to talking to your pediatrician about your concerns.
You can contact early childhood intervention for New Jersey here:
http://www.nj.gov/health/fhs/eis/
They can evaluate her and see if they think she might need early intervention. A lot of states provide assistance with ECI, as well.
You can also make an appointment with your pediatrician and let her know your concerns and what steps can be taken. She can make a referral, I believe, to a developmental specialist for evaluations and recommendations.
How has she seemed different than others? Many toddlers will stand and watch others in new situations. It's just them trying to figure out what's going on.
How does she act with her daddy?
Very narrow answer to your question. Our DS is a different child with me than he is with his father. With his father, he is calm, sedate, enjoys snuggling, and quiet games. With me, he is rough and tumble loud and boisterous. He does fine in pre-school, with his grandparents and on outings. While it is a little inconvenient, we take advantage of the different natures he shows each of us. Daddy does early mornings with DS, because it isn't much of a challenge to deal with a sedate kid, and because I get a lie in. If it were me up with DS in the mornings, I would be frazzled with the exuberant energy, and hubs wouldn't get any sleep.
Even the family dog is different with each of us. She is a 80lb lap dog with my mother, a hiking and fishing companion to my father, a sporty/ wrestling dog with my brother, and a gentle combination of all of the above with my son.
Just because she acts differently with each of you doesn't necessarily mean that there is something wrong. If you want to change the patterns of your engagements though, speak with the ped.
Best,
F. B.
