Hi Moms,
I've enjoyed reading the advice on this site. This is my first post. I have a pretty serious problem and I'm wanting some objective opinions.
I have a 9 year old daughter, a 4 year old son and a 22 year old step-son. My step-son recently moved back into our house after having been on his own for over a year. We've been pretty lenient, I think, since he's returned, only giving him a few basic rules, but very important rules for us. The most important thing we told him was that if he wanted to live with us, he would have to stop smoking. He had quit smoking for about 3 months when he was living with someone else who wouldn't allow him to smoke. He said he had no problem because he wasn't addicted to it and just smoked 'cause his friends do and he gets bored. We told him if he could go without smoking when he lived with the other people, he could do the same for us.
The reason this issue is a deal breaker for us is that his paternal grandmother, paternal great grandmother, his uncle and his maternal grandfather all died painful deaths prematurely from either cancer or emphysemia (sp?) due to smoking. We are insulted that he decided to start smoking to begin with given how he saw his close relatives pass away, but he got involved with women and friends that smoke and he thinks it's cool.
Anyway, we told him we didn't want him smoking at home, or anywhere. We didn't want him to buy cigarettes or smoke anyone else's cigarettes either. We wanted him to NOT SMOKE AT ALL. We said if we found out he was still smoking, he would have a week to find another place to live.
Well, I found a receipt for cigarettes that he bought yesterday, along with the plastic from the outside of the package in his room today. I know he doesn't really like living here because he doesn't like having to keep his room cleaned or do any chores. He is very lazy and likes to just play games, watch tv and sleep. He doesn't get along with his sister at all and he's bothered by his little brother. He's been talking about how he hopes his best friend will move out with him in November, but his best friend lives with his father, and unlike my step-son, he seems to like having a no-rent place to live and respects his father's rules for living there.
Anyway, now we have to confront my step-son today when he gets home from work. I've left the receipt and the cigarette wrapper on his bed where he can find them so he knows we know. My husband wants to give him until the end of the month to find another place to live. I'm ok with that, except that we did tell him a week originally so I'm a little perturbed that my husband wants to give him more time now. But I can understand because my step-son has like $50 to his name so my husband wants to give him time to get a couple pay-checks from his new job before he puts him out.
I'm sure he'll go to his friends and make up some sob-story about how we're throwing him out for some BS reason, which is what he did when the people he was living with before threw him out for not following their rules. He'll make us look like the bad guys and like he did nothing wrong.
I guess my question is how would you handle this situation? Am I being unfair in your opinion? Would you be even more strict than we are?
I will say I would prefer not to hear anything about how whether or not he smokes is our business. If he didn't live with us, I would have nothing to say about that. But it's our house and we get to set the rules. Our rule is that only non-smokers can live in our house.
I just want to know if you think putting him out by the end of the month, as my husband has proposed, is reasonable. Also, how would you approach the rest of the time he's here? Would you ask him to turn over his cigarettes that he bought yesterday so you can throw them away? Would you just let him smoke as long as you don't know anything about it since he's leaving anyway?
We don't want to build a chasm between him and us so we want to keep this fair, but we cannot sanction this behavior. We were very clear with him on 3 different occasions over the past month about this rule, he acknowledged that he understood it and he said he thought it was fair. Obviously, however, he still feels like he can just do whatever he wants and not suffer the consequences of his actions.
Thanks in advance for your advice. Sorry this turned out so long. :-)
S.
First, thank you very much for all of your responses. Oddly, when my step-son came home yesterday, I don't even think he put it together that I had been in his room because when my husband got home and asked him "Do you have anything to tell me?", my step-son said "no" and seemed very surprised when my husband said "What about those cigarettes you bought last night?" You could have knocked him over with a feather.
To address a couple of things before I tell you what ensued, first, I was in my son's room looking for the receipt because I had sent him to the store to buy some milk and it cost way more than it should have. The receipt was sitting on his bed and the wrappers were in plain sight. That said, I don't have any problem going through my kid's stuff if I think there's something harmful I might find, regardless of their age. Up until recently, I never went into my kids’ rooms, believing they deserved their privacy. I've since learned that is not the best policy and as long as my children are living under my roof and are my dependents, I can get my nose in their business any time I see fit. I learned this from a Christian family counselor who essentially said I was doing it all wrong when I wasn't checking up on my kids.
Also, in regards to it being our business whether he smokes at all or not, why is it ok for someone who’s renting out a room to say “Only non-smokers need apply” and they can evict their tenant if they find out they are smoking, but we’re not allowed to do the same for our son? As far as I know, “smokers” are not a protected class. Lots of people discriminate against smokers. Our situation is no exception.
Now, in regards to why he's living with us, that's a long story. He's very immature for his age. He may be 22 in years, but he's really more like 16 in maturity. He has some learning and motor skill disabilities, nothing he hasn't compensated for over the years, but he has impulse problems and because of his upbringing early in life, he has some very serious entitlement issues. He lived with us full time from about the age of 7 until last year. And as an aside, some of you said I should let my husband handle this. My step-son is my son. I’ve been in his life since he was 4 and have been his only “mom” since he was in 4th grade when his biological mother abandoned him. He calls me “Mom” and my husband and I handle all family issues together.
Now, he had an apartment and lived on his own at first, but quickly went through several thousand dollars worth of savings he had built up with shopping, drinking, getting tattoos, smoking, women, and goodness knows what else. We have babied him way too much and we know that now. We gave him a car when he wrecked his and he couldn't afford to get it fixed. We've bailed him out financially 3 times when he couldn't pay his bills and was going to be evicted. We did let him go to jail when he couldn't pay his outstanding warrants due to unpaid speeding tickets, but he didn't seem to learn anything from that experience and brags about it now like it was a right of passage. Each time we helped him out, there was a "plan" for how he wouldn't let it happen again, but then he'd screw up at work and get fired or he'd just keep spending like he had all the money in the world. He abandoned his apartment and the last 3 months, he lived out of state somewhere he was NOT ALLOWED TO SMOKE. Now, he's been smoking less than a year. He hadn't touched a cigarette in over 3 months when he came back to live with us when he got thrown out because he was getting into fights with others who lived there and not following their rules. We knew he didn't have any place else to go, BUT, we decided if he can go 3 months without 1 cigarette, why not continue the streak. He understood we didn't want any smokers living in our house. As far as we were concerned, he was a non-smoker and we wanted him to stay that way.
All that said, it just so happened that yesterday was my visit with a counselor whom I see for stress issues. She and I talked about what was going on and she also asked, as many of you did, if we had tried to help him quit. I said no because we were led to believe it wasn't an issue. She said she didn't think it would be going back on our word if we offered to help him quit and if he agreed, letting him continue to live with us rent-free until he can get out on his own again, which is the eventual goal.
When my husband got home and confronted him, my son said "Ok, I'll go pack my things." like he had no other choice, so I think he knew we were serious. We know he doesn't like living with us for the reasons I mentioned in my original post and he may be subconsciously trying to get us to throw him out because of that. We are a very loving family. We have always tried to be his "soft place to fall" as one of the mom's mentioned. We don't have terribly strict rules, but with my step-son, any rule is too many. We've given him gallons of free will letting him come and go as he pleases with very few restrictions. Until yesterday, I hadn’t stepped into his room even once. One thing that was a deal breaker though was the smoking. Now, we did say that we're willing to give him a choice. He can try to stop smoking by getting help like using the gum or the patches and as long as we have proof that he's doing that and NOT also buying cigarettes, we will extend his stay here. Otherwise, he has until his second paycheck at his current job, which would be about a month, to find someplace else to live. He was very reluctant in his reply, but said he would try to quit smoking and stay here.
We're going today to buy the smoking cessation stuff to get him started. Also, if he's living with us, we can add him back to our insurance during the upcoming open enrollment and he can get some counseling himself, which was the plan originally when he moved back since he has such a hard time keeping jobs and getting along with roommates and stuff.
My husband and I are not delusional. We think he'll put on the facade that he's trying to quit and as soon as he finds another place to live, he'll be gone. Of course, he'll want to come back when that doesn't work out, but we're not sure we're going to allow that again. You try and try to do good for your kids, but sometimes, they just can't be helped. My counselor agrees that my step-son will probably always be this way and that the only things we've really done wrong were to help him too much over the past 2 years. It's hard to let someone you love hit rock bottom, but my counselor says that's when he will probably figure out we were right all along. Until then, he will never have respect for us or our rules. He takes advantage of us, and everyone else he can, at every turn. He's not an evil person. He's just very self absorbed and his philosophy is that the only person that matters in this world is himself. He even has a quote that says that on his my space page.
Thanks again for all the advice. We will pray that he stops smoking for his physical health and that he stays around long enough so that we can get him the mental help he needs as well.
Blessings,
S.
He's 22 years old! He knows what you said, but he's not HEARING you. If you don't like his lifestyle, give him his walking papers, and stay out of his personal choices.
I'm against the stream... I think it's too severe.
It is an addiction and he can say he's not addicted but it's physical and he needs help.
Ok, so my kids are 1 an 3 yo, so I'm hardly equipped to give you parenting advice. However, my husband fit the description of your stepson about 10 years ago. His mom made him do some community service, which gave him a serious reality check. It really turned him around. So, my recommendation to you would be to give him a written warning with the proof you found of his infraction. On the "warning" have an offer that he can remain in the home temporarily if he agrees to 2 conditions: go to the doctor for assistance in quitting, and do volunteer work (homeless shelter might be good for him). He should sign it and give it back to you or get out.
Hi there. Just my two cents...he should respect you home and your rules. Period.
Kudos to you and hubby for enforcing respect! Kicking your child out has got to be one of the hardest things to do. Be careful about the entire month - chances are, once you tell him he's out, he'll flaunt his smoking because now there is no reason to stop. Also, beware of his response when you tell him that you know he's smoking - he may beg for another chance. You and hubby need to think of all the things that he could say and have a response ready before you talk to him.
Instead of cutting him off in one week if he doesn't have any money to move, you could give him a week to find a new place and you guys pay for the move in cost. That solves the time issue, but does put a burden on you. It might be an option though.
Good luck - it can be tough, but you do need to teach him respect. The other responses also mention helping him quit - great idea and i hope some of the suggestions work. The key, of course, is that he'll have to want to quit. Take care!
House rules are one thing controlling someone's behaviors and habits are another. When you laid out the house rules on never smoking did he have any other option than to say "okay" (to be able to stay with you)? I would think he had to agree because you gave him no other option. If he was really trying to be defiant we would smoke in your house or right outside your house.
It sounds like you have very strict rules for him, he could probably use some grace. Giving him till the end of the month and helping him prepare for a move would show that you care for him and want him to succeed.
I hope it works out for him and your family.
To answer your questions, no the consequences aren't too strict. He knew before hand the rules, and he made the choice to not abide by them. My kids are young, but I know one day I may be in your shoes. My only suggestion would be to let him do the talking first (love and logic). Start off by saying we saw the cigarettes and you knew our rules about the smoking, so what do you think we should do about it? Let him tell you to see if he remembers first. When it comes to finding a place, don't tell him how, make him think. So son, mom and dad love you and will always be there for you. What are your plans for finding a place of your own? Let him come up with the suggestions and you be there to just lead the way. Love and logic is basically a way of letting the kids know they are responsible for their choices and decisions, and you just guide them when needed. Tough situation....good luck!
I think giving him until the end of the month is best. He does need a little time to save. I would not do anything about the cigarettes. He broke the rule, the consequence is that he has to move out. If you throw away the cigarettes he will probably just spend money on more and he will need every dime to move out. I would for sure not allow any smoking while at home, but leave it at that. Good luck!!
S.,
I know where you are coming from. I had an Uncle that died from brain cancer and other issues from excessive smoking and drinking. You have the rules for your house, unfortunately you can't control what he does when he is not home. You told him what you expected when he moved in and now he has to pay the consequences. You have done what you can and now you will have to pray that he sees the light and stops smoking.
As the other posters said maybe you could offer to help him stop. I wish you all the best in your efforts as a parent...the hardest but most rewarding job of all!!!!!!
L.
I read your response, and although I didn't read what others said to you I think you are doing the right thing. It sounds like you and your husband are loving parents who care too much to let your son get away with something as dangerous and unhealthy as cigerrettes. My children right now think smoking is along the same lines as doing drugs. I hope they continue to believe that. Good luck with all that you are doing.
You sound like a great mom and that you came up with a great action plan. I truly hope that your son will quit smoking as that is your true concern here. Best wishes to you and your family!
I would say you have a perfect right to not allow him to smoke in your home.
I also understand your concern about the potential health risk your stepson is putting himself in.
But is putting your son out of your house going to improve his health?
Whether is wants to admit it or not cigarette smoking is highly additive.
As we all have read the cigarette companies make sure that is it.
If he is not smoking in the house and the concern is for his health is it possible to be supportive by doing things to help him quit smoking?
It took my husband 7 years to stop smoking but that was 25 years ago.
Nicotine stays in the body's system for up to 7 years so if you stop and 6 years later you take one drag the addiction can restart.
If you want your stepson out of the house and on his own that is your right but if you really want to impact his addiction with cigarettes, there are probably more effective means.
Knowing he does not have any money,avoid the drama and give him till the end of the month. You may even acknowledge that he is an adult, capable of making his own decisions and therefore in his own place he can do this. Should he want to quit smoking and is having trouble, maybe you and your husband can offer to buy nicorette or something. You can't stop him from smoking but you can stop it from being in your house. Sounds like he is struggling to grow up and hopefully you two can be supportive and encouraging, yet give him that nudge he needs. Let him know you each have rights and he can practice his in his own place - that is part of growing up. Good luck.
Your house, your rules. He's a big boy and it's time to grow up. If he doesn't want to follow the rules then he's out...he knew the rules coming into the situation so it's a conscious choice that he's made on his own. I wouldn't spend a single second feeling bad about asking him to move out. Maybe he's testing your resolve in the situation and he'll end up quitting after all when he sees that you're serious about making him move??? good luck. hd
Wow! I can definately understand the no-smoking rule. My husband and I are also non-smokers and wouldn't let anyone smoke in our house. My younger brother smokes (despite aunts and uncles dying of heart disease, emphsema, etc...) and he lived with us for a few months. He was not allowed to smoke in the house at all, but because of the addictive nature of smoking we allowed him to smoke outside- he could not leave butts outside anywhere, nor throw them over the fence to the neighbors. Now with kids, I don't like my brother to be around my baby at all, because he smells like smoke and I feel it is a bad influence. He is trying to stop- but it isn't easy.
Whether you ask him to find another place in a week, or a month (which given the economy and the situation sounds more reasonable to me- unless he has friends/family he can stay with)- I would suggest you help him with the addiction. Even if he says he is not addicted, he probably is, and no matter what lay people tell you- it isn't up to will power to stop. He may need the patch, the new medicine, therapy. I have worked in this field for over 7 years, and it just isn't as easy as telling someone that they have to stop.
Good Luck!
I am a mother of 3 little ones but i know my rules are very strict too.I am behind you 100% of your rule about not smoking. I feel the same way when my children reach that age. We even have rules for our family and friends who come into our home and they know and if they break them we won't allow them over again.So all i have to say you have every right to put him out of your home. Your husband's reasons for waiting are within means but I do have a problem if he is still going use or get caught again. your the step mom and you have to think about your husband relationship with his son and not to mention that although you want to put him out of your home now you have to protect your other small children from watching this habit or getting to the habit.I feel you are fair as far as a week to move but with no money How?So at the end of the month is great but If he mess up again out that day. I feel that is fair and he had enough time decide what he whats to do.
My parents have issues with my brother who just turned 21, he's left and come home probably 3 times since turning 18. I personally think to kick him out for a 1st offense is a little too much. Ok, if it were drugs or something more serious then that's different. In a week would definitely be too strict. It's almost impossible for any person to find somewhere else to live in one weeks times.
Having been that age just a few years ago and seeing what my parents go through with my siblings. In reality he's going to smoke if he wants to, I think a more fair rule is no smoking in or near the home, anywhere you see it, smell it, etc. But considering you made the rule and wish to stick by it then I'll just say that yes I believe kicking him out in that short of time is too much..just let him know how serious you are about what he's done.
Why is the 22 year old living with you? I think the focus needs to be on getting him out on his own two feet. I really hating knowing people smoke, for many reasons, but unfortunetly that won't change anyone. I would keep rules about not smoking in or around the house. Also, if he can afford to buy cigarettes, then he can afford to pay rent. Maybe he is, so add part of the utilities onto that. If he has to pick up more work to make ends meet, then he won't have as much time in the house to play games and make his room messy. Let him know that, together, you and his dad have decided to not enforce the 1 week rule. Let him know that by grace, you are going to extend the rule until the end of the month. Tell him that he needs to save up for an apartment. Let him know that you will help him with a resume, practicing interviews, etc... This way you are offering assistance to him without losing his respect. After this, if he still decides that he is going to be stubborn about it, then hopefully, with time, he will mature.
This is a hard situation. But because it is your step son..I really feel that you should allow your husband to deal with it. Voice your opinion to him but then allow him to deal with his son. If you don't, trust me, they will both resent you at some point. Smoking is bad..but having your husband resent you is worse.
I think that your rule of no smoking in your home is completely fair and that if he cannot abide by that rule, asking him to leave is also fair. It is your home and you also have little ones there to worry about. I also think it's fair to ask him to give you the cigarettes...he is still living in your home. And your husbands idea of letting him stay until the end of the month also seems fair. But I wouldn't let him stay any longer than that.
I know you don't want to hear this but he is an adult. If he chooses to smoke, that is his business. I know how hard it must be for you to know he does that given your family history. We always think we know what's best when we're young, don't we? =} Hopefully he'll figure it out for himself. When he's out of the house, unfortunately he can do as he pleases. This is the hard part of being a parent. My children are young and I don't look forward to the heartache as I watch them make mistakes.
But I would definitely stick to your guns and ask him to leave. If you and your husband agree to the end of the month, I hope your step-son will appreciate that extra time and save some $$!
Good luck!
I would say "no smoking" in the house or on your property at all until he does move out; I don't think you can get him to stop it altogether. Only he can make that decision. Kicking him out is best, and the sooner the better. The timing is something you and hubby need to talk through. He's definitely too old to still be living at home (unless he's a full-time student) so you're doing the right thing. We have to let them grow up some day, and it may be painful to watch but it's necessary. I think he is taking advantage of you b'c you have bailed him out when problems arise. He needs to stand on his own two feet, and he'll probably fall down, but hopefully the experience will mature him for the better. Tough Love is the way to go.
I would have him out in a week, that is what you told him. AND HE AGREED. He needs to keep his word and so do you. Hold him accountable. If you change that now, he will not really think you are serious. Also, do not give him any money for rent or anything. He may just use that on cigs. He is an adult now. He can take care of himself. Not only is it important for him to know you are serious about the smoking issue, but also for your younder 2 children to know the severity. They need to see that you mean what you say about the smoking and other things. You have their tiny bodies to worry about as well. Cig smoke affects their tiny bodies differently than it does his or yours.
S.,
As the parent and step-parent to 7 young adults some with some serious drug problems I understand your pain. You and your husband are really afraid for his health. In my opinion your rule of no cigarette smoking was a little unrealistic for a 22 year old. I could see that no smoking anywhere near your house but finding a receipt for cigaretts in my opinion is not grounds for the punishment you are giving him.
It sounds like you are driving the bus on what is the punishment. Let your husband deal with what he thinks is best because if you just throw the kid out and he gets into some real trouble you will be blamed.With a young adult this age I would assume what you are trying to do is motivate him to be on his own.You have a bigger issue that this with this kid other than smoking. He needs to be better motivated to get his act together to take care of himself.
N. Cox
I would follow through on what you said you would do. If you don't he will know that mom and dad will always bail him out. All that said, I would send him on his way with love and support. Encourage him to quit and help him find resources to quit. I would also make sure he understands why it is such an important rule and that you are most concerned for his health. Good Luck.
I guess my reply would be that if he's 22 and living in your home rent-free and is just now getting a job, his smoking is not the main issue. This young man needs to learn to be a man and how to support himself. Many men his age are already married and fathers, in some cases.
I think asking him to refrain from smoking in your home/on your property is completely fair-it's a nasty and unhealthy habit. However, what he does while he's away from you should be up to him-he is 22 after all.
But if the deal you all made with him was that smoking was a deal breaker, then stick to it. Your husband giving him a month seems fair, since he just got a job. Just be sure to stick to it and encourage him to grow up. This is the most loving thing you can do. Most 22 year-old men would be more than a little embarrassed to say that they are freeloading off their parents. It may be a rough road, but he will feel much better about himself when he can say that he has his own place and pays his own way-who wouldn't?
Be strong and love him in this. And don't take it personally-he's just needing to get a little push out of the nest and may not like it much at first! He'll thank you later.
Hope everything works out for you. God bless your family.
D.
Your step-son clearly knew the rules when he moved in and should have never agreed to move in if he did not want to adhere to house rules. I do not think that it is unreasonable to give him until the end of the month to get out to save money, as long as he does not smoke at your home or in your house. If he does, the original one week should definitly be inforced.
However, as a smoker myself, taking his cigarettes away will only anger him and he will just go out and get more. I think that maybe his dad should talk to him about the smoking and encourage him to stop where ever he lives. I wish that someone could have got through to me when I was that age-- it would have been so much easier!! That being said though, if your husband does have a heart to heart with him about it, he shouldn't take it personally if his son continues to smoke. My family has a history of smoke related disease and at that age it never bothered me knowing what could come of it because I wasn't worried about something that could seriously harm me when I was what I perceived as "old."
Good Luck!
I think its reasonable to say that he is not allowed to smoke at your home, or smell of smoke, or spend money that you give him on cigs, but what he does outside of your home, is his buissnes (as long as its not effecting anyone else) Personally i would not make the smoking an issue, but i would say that a 22 year old MAN needs to find a place of his own, or pay somesort of rent.
I would make a NO SMOKING rule, meaning no smoking at the home, in the car, or smelling of smoke or having cigs at the home. I would also start charging him $5.50 a day to live at your home, considering that is how much a pack of cugs cost him a day.
First--let me tell you--I hate smoking! I also believe that if someone lives under my roof they should respect my house rules. But...this MAN is 22 years old..you have tried to control his decisions in this complete area---you can and should make rules for when he is in your home..but to say what he does when he is not in your home is really overstepping your boundaries! Yes..I do know that smokers carry an odor everwhere they go---and that it may some into your home--I know folks who smoke--but only outside of their home and their homes do not smell of smoke---others whose homes do smell. There is the issue of him agreeing to what you requested....it sounds to me like he does not want to be there and you all do not want him there --not full time anyway! So..be the bigger person--give him till the end of the month---he did not keep his word to you (which is really the issue)--but with the understanding that he keep his word until then or go now!
here's what i think...your house, your rules end of story right? well not exactly. What u are forgetting is that you are placing rules on a man. legally he can buy cigs, as nasty as they are its his decision to make for himself not yours and not your husband's and thats what you should explain to him when the s@$t hits the fan. let him know for the hundredth time your feelings about smoking let him know that the conversation isn't coming from a nagging stand point but from a concerned loving one. i do agree that he should leave because he broke a stipulation of residency no matter how ridiculous it may be. and yes i think its ridiculous, if you had caught him smoking in your home then it would be viable but it isn't your place anymore to CONTROL an adult. And as for giving him a month, thank goodness your husband has a soft heart for his flesh and blood. you try being a 22 yr old and get an apt after only two paychecks and see how well you last. thats not enough time to save, he will end up defaulting and ruining his credit. Good luck to you all.
First, and to get it out of the way, I know you said you don't want anyone to say its none of your business, but really, it isn't. The only law you can lay down for a 22 year old is what he does in your house, not what he does outside your home. Having said that, you made the rule and now are wondering if it is too strict? My question is, "If your 9 year old daughter breaks a house rule when she is 22, will you put her out of your house?" If the answer is yes, then the the consequences are probably not too strict. If the answer is no, then they are.
Smoking is an addiction. Why don't you help him beat his addiction. Also pick up any of Dr. Phil's books on parenting or raising blended families. You think you are doing it to save his life but if you throw him out for smoking then he'll do it where ever he goes next. Seems to me it is more about the burden of him being there. Are there any bonding family times for him to interact in a fun freindly safe enviroment with his siblings? Ask yourself what you are doing to help ease the situation. Also you can't control what he does away from your home - especially if he is over 18 so if he has done like you asked and not smoked in your home then yes you are being completely unreasonable. Also everyone needs privacy - why were you going through his stuff? Seems you were looking for a reason to confront him and say thats it. It really alarms me that you don't seem to want to help him or assist him in anyway. We never stop parenting our children and they should always feel like you are their soft place to fall when they struggle in the world. Your husband brought him into this world and it is his job and now yours since you are married to him to help him not cast him to the side because he has an addiction that you have done nothing to help him overcome. So bottom line yes the consequences are too strict.
Another factor to consider- how have you all supported him breaking this addiction? I've never smoked, but are things like Nicorette more expensive than cigarettes? I can understand setting house rules and such, but at 22, he is allowed to do with his body what he chooses. It's a hard lesson to learn, but I suspect the addiction will remain after he leaves your home. He'll quit when/if he chooses too unfortunately, not because there is a rule against it. Good luck.
