My Husband Has a Bro-mance, I Cant Stand It!

HAHAHAHA!!! I call my husband and my boss 'boyfriends' all the time... my boss is his BFF... they are soooo gay for each other, LOL!! They talk on the phone like girls... my husband will literally call his friend to tell him he's on the way over, and talk WHILE DRIVING until he gets there. So ridiculous.

You know what I did? I stole the other guy's WIFE :)

And now we're BFFs, and it drives the guys insane :)

Could you comprimise and give him a "man date night" once a week? A free night for him to drink, eat pizza, play video games, whatever?

Him: Karaoke!
You : Or sex with your wife?

If he invites the neighbor along for that, you're on your own.

Is hubby working? I mean, does he have all this free time or what? And if he isn't working, is this his "social outlet" that he might feel he needs?

I would try talking to him in such a way that does not put him on the defensive or makes him feel attacked - rather than focusing on his character, remind him that you need him to be a husband and a father FIRST and he needs to get his priorities in order. If you want him to go to Target with you and he asks to bring his buddy along, tell him NO...make it a point to schedule "family time" that is just you, him and the kids. He can try to squeeze in male bonding some other time. And if he ends up choosing his friends over you guys when you move back to your own house, then he was an immature jackass all along and you deserve better. However, I would also recommend marriage counseling before it gets to that point. And if he is not working, he needs to find a flippin' JOB. Good luck to you!

EDITED TO ADD: He's skipping out of work just to hang out with his friend??? Oh, HELL NO! Will he really think it's worth it when he loses his job over this?

If your husband still has respect/fond memories for the military, perhaps you can equate it like that:

"Honey, I need to talk to you about something that is really important to us and to our family. I'm really glad that you & John have really bonded and are great friends. But please try looking at our situation as a family this way: When you were in the Guard and were blowing off steam with your friends, you were still expected to show up for duty, even if you'd gone out drinking before. And if you didn't clean up after yourself and take care of your equipment, there would be hell to pay. Well, you need to start applying that to us, our family. Please, by all means go blow off steam. But please also remember that we love you, we miss spending time with you, and we need you to be the responsible man, and the hero dad, for our kids."

Then, don't mention it again. Instead, focus on distracting him. You have "feminine wiles" that 'John' does not have (kidding aside, seriously! :). Reward any positive behavior--if he gets the kids onto the school bus on time, tell him thank you and that you greatly appreciate his doing that. If he does anything positive, reward him with a kiss or a smile or a thank you. Don't go overboard & do keep it sincere. Give him a reason to be a man--reward him for being a hero. Have date nights with him; when he does something nice, cook him his favorite meal (guys love pizza, but a favorite is still a favorite). Get him out of the house without 'John' and doing something fun with the kids--since he likes karaoke, maybe that? Or, how about one of those indoor waterparks, etc.

And if this immaturity continues, a week or two before you move, sit down and have another conversation with him. Tell him that you love him, and that you're hoping that when you move he'll take it as a chance to recommit to his responsibilities, and to the joy of being a parent and husband. And if he does not think that he can, that he should remain where is and not move with you until he's ready to do so.

I think you need to have a talk with your husband immediately. Marriage counseling may be in the future. Depends on what you and he want out your marriage.

I do know, It is not normal for a 30 year-old, married man, with children to want to hang out with a man who is 10 years his junior, and probably has the mind of a teen ager.

Do you think it is normal that he is choosing this kid over you and your children for everything? I mean, invite the guy over to go shopping at Target with you and the kids? Weird! Spending all of his free time at the kid's house? Weird! Do you really think they're playing video games down there all night? Normal adult men, who are in love with their wives, and adore their children WANT to spend their free time with them, being a family. Not to mention, by the time a man is 30, most are psychologically well past the need to be a kid and throw responsibility out the window.

I think it is really Freudian that you say in the first line..."here's the low down on the situation. (Men who cheat with men are considered on the "down-low") ..." and titled the post " My husband is having a bromance." I think it is very possible your husband IS gay, and as long as you allow him to indulge with his affair, the children and you'll be the third wheel.

He is not having guy time with this kid AND a group of friends for some male bonding like he probably did in the guard. That isn't guard/military culture...sorry. Too much machismo for one-on-one stuff and trips to the Target boutique. It sounds like they aren't meeting up with other friends either, or that they're even planning regular activities that would make for a normal friendship, which definitely puts a different spin on this whole thing. It is a one-on-one thing everytime. And now they're sneaking around, alcohol being served to minors, and dh is jeopardizing his job by getting doctor's notes. This is not a good sign. This is the deception you KNOW about. This relationship is bringing out bad and dangerous behaviors in your husband that will jeopardize your marriage.

There is also the dad thing to consider. Where is the 20 year-olds dad when all this is going on? You said the kid still lives with dad. Pretty weird that dad is allowing a grown man to monoplize his home and his son's time. Does this kid have a job or go to school, or does he have a silver spoon in his mouth and is living off of dad's money? Or, is there a possibility you and dh are his sugar parents, but you just don't know it yet? Where are this kid's friends and girlfriend? Is he a geek or basement dweller or something? You gotta find out. As someone said, this has "reality show" written all over it. You just don't want it to end like the Housewives of Hollywood or whatever it's called.

Something is definitely up when they're hanging downstairs, and you need to put your foot down. Just like when a man talks about the secretary at the office too much, or stays at the bar too late during the week with friends, most women rightly conclude her husband is cheating. For most, when they see and smell smoke, there is fire.

I think you are right. He IS having an affair, and in your face. I wouldn't be surprised if he eventually confronts you and admits he's truly in love with this guy and wants to do something about it. I think this isn't about your husband not having male friends. I think this is about a man who hasn't been honest with you about things concerning your marriage and family. It sounds like it's only a matter of time before he makes a break. Whatever you do, don't wait for him to come to you about it. Who knows what those two are up to all day. There are diseases to be concerned about and the safety of your children...since you have no way of knowing what they are being exposed to while your are away.

Time to put your foot down and wake up and smell the coffee.

Shape up or ship out!

Um...yeah, that's not okay. It's like he's regressing. He has responsibilities and priorities, and it sounds like he is getting them all confused. I would NOT be okay with that either. His family should be the priority. His friend should fit in when it's appropriate.

I think you need to find a compromise.
You both work.
Everybody lets off steam in their own ways.
It sounds like he has one friend, not 90.
Ask him to clean up after himself, be up and ready to help with the kids, etc.
Some one on one family time needs to happen too.

I can hear your frustration, but it's not like he's running the streets at night and going to bars or strip clubs.
He's sticking pretty close to home.
Guys need buddies too.

How about if you suggest they spend some male bonding time over taking the trash out and cleaning up their mess at the very least before you get home?
Tell him it might not bother you so much if....
And see what happens.

Just the two of you together time is important too.
Compromise.

OMG.

This is called 'arrested development.'

I would have went nuts on him a LONG time ago. Like WOW. My amazing hubby has a friend that is in love with him (random guys get man crushes on him, it's seriously the craziest thing in the world!) when we were stationed in TX (like 45 min away from where we are now) he worked with this guy and it was an every weekend kind of thing (just one day) and i was hanging out with them too so I wasn't very annoyed.. If anything my hubby was probably more annoyed that he felt he had to entertain him all the time (I got to relax and watch my tv shows :) ) When we moved it was amazing though. Even when we get together now and we drink and play games my hubby has to be on HIS team or he'll seriously pitch a fit, it's hilarious. SO with your situation I'd limit it to once a weekend and set a curfew.. he's more interested in this kid than his own kids! And when you move (if you can even make it to the end of the school year!) and he leaves then you're WAY better off without him. Sit him down and ask him if he really understood what he did when he had TWO kids and married you.. you need to discuss with him whats appropriate and whats not.. and you mentioned the kid was 20? And he's drinking with him? You do know how seriously they're taking that these days?! Maybe you can talk to the kids dad and be like "I'm uncomfortable with this.. how do you feel?" maybe the dad talking some sense into YOUR kid will put him in line? Good luck.. I don't envy you right now! And I didn't read the postings but if anyone says you're just nagging they are out of their minds. Just saying :).

This sounds just like the way my husband behaves. we were married at the age of 24 & I think he was more mature then, we are now 41 and his friends are more important than me & his 8 yr old. We are in the process of getting a divorce at this point because I could not take it anymore. especially when I discovered that his weekend away to visit a friend over fathers day weekend included his girlfriend not just him. You need to confront him now before it gets worse.

Looking for a doctors note to cover work because he stayed up all night playing with his friend is not good.
I'm a bit surprised the 20 yr old wants to hang out with a 29 yr old, unless your husband is funding a lot of the fun.
Why isn't the 20 yr old dating and working?
Get some marriage counseling.
Go yourself even if your husband won't go.
Your husband needs to figure out who he's married to and it's not the neighbor.
If you really think he'll choose the neighbor over you and the kids when you move back, your marriage is in trouble.

The way you wrote this post would make for a good television series, LOL :) As long as he's not slacking off on his share of responsibility ...I think it's great that he found someone to connect with and befriend. But on the other hand I'm thinking "sheesh dude, you're a little late in life to be acting like this". Try not to rain on his parade too much and use a little humor/sarcasm while trying to make a point. I have to imagine that the "honeymoon phase" (if you will, lol) will be over soon...for your sanity.

If he served in the military, that explains some of it. I'm sure when they weren't on duty, his unit passed the time similar to how he is passing it now - guy bonding - and it seems like your husband took to it as a lifestyle.

You just need to find a way to remind him he is a father w/responsibilities in helping raise the kids. Whenever you get the chance, try and get together w/other nat guard families for dinner or at the park so your husband can be reminded what its like to interact w/his family and not just his friend.

Yeah, good luck with that. We moved out of the neighborhood where my husband's bff lives and they still go to the bar after work most nights as well as hang out once a week, where hubs usually comes home very late in a cab.

I'm sorry. You have my sympathy. Does he have a father/uncle/older male roll model/clergy person that you could speak to? Maybe they can have an adult conversation with him.

I feel you! I totally relate, but you can't change him and complaining is just a waste of your breath. Sorry to tell you, all guys are immature! My man is a lot older than yours and still acts 20! I suggest you start taking time for you! Make sure to enjoy your life, too! Make a list, even if it's just a mental one, of the things that make you happy, and do them! He shouldn't be the only one having fun! Praying is the best way to cope with your resentment. What you feel is completely normal. You seem like an awesome wifey and mommy! God bless you!

To your follow up... Make him take the kids! My mother in law babies my hubby, too!

Ok, I have to respectfully disagree with J.L. here.....I don't think your husband is secretly gay. Geez. This sounds more like an immaturity thing to me. They are doing what YOUNG GUYS do....drinking, playing video games and just hanging out. It is happening in college frat houses all over the country right now!

Now, the problem is that your husband is almost 30 years old and has a family, so it is not appropriate behavior for him. It does sound like he is regressing and it's either due to the fact that he missed out of some of his young adulthood, or that he is feeling overwhelmed by being a father and husband and this is his way of rebelling against that.

I think you guys should sit down and have a long talk about what is at the root of this problem. It's cool for guys to hang out and have close guy friends, but when you are doing this stuff all the time, it's a problem.

Good Luck!