Currently we live in NC and have been here for over 4 yers. I'm from the midwest (MN) and going thru a separation and divorce. My husband is seeing another woman and lying about it. Living here in NC has been fun at times and there are pros and cons. We are a few hours from the coast and it's really pretty out here. But I REALLY miss my family and they are all in the midwest.
Today I just got a letter from my 92 yr old Grandma telling me that she misses me and wants me to move back to MN. I have wanted to move back for so long but always felt like the girls need to be close to their dad even though he is acting like a mule lately. The letter made me cry and I don't know how much longer my Grandma will be around. I'm worried if I move back to the midwest it will be hard on the girls being far away from their dad.
My mom also told me last week that my husband should no longer be a concern to me and that he is insignificant as she is very disappointed in how he's been acting. (For more on that please read my other posts.) My brother also has insinuated that he wants me back in the midwest too. Sooooo, what should I do??? Legally don't I have to get my husbands permission to move out of state? Please help me think this over. My inlaws are in the midwest too...
Swimsally, yes he's involved for the most part but still is emotionally abusive to our oldest. I am probably going to have primary custody of the girls but that is still being worked out.
Yes, we both have attourneys. I definately don't want to make things harder for the girls. He is not physically abusive but he almost hit our oldest daughter. Our girls are 12 and 10. And yes, he gets nasty and sarcastic with my oldest.
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It is the start of summer, go spend ALL summer with 92 year old G.. Come back and then go back to see G. at Thanksgiving and at Christmas/New Year. You will win both ways.
I haven't read the previous posts. I wonder why you've decided that it's best for the girls to stay near their father. You say he's abusive with the oldest. And he doesn't seem to be aware or even want to be aware of how his bringing another women into his life affects his girls.
I suggest that what is best for the girls is to have one parent who is concerned about their welfare, is willing to search for better ways of handling the divorce and has support in parenting them. You have that support in MN. I also suggest that by staying where you are you will have to continually deal with your ex which will be difficult. Which place will give you the best environment in which to raise your girls.
Yes, it's important that they have a relationship with their father but that may not be the primary priority for their life. It is better to have one stable parent and the support of extended family than have two parents who are hanging on for the kids without the inclusiveness of extended family. Think long and hard about which place will allow you to be the best parent.
Please reread Thea S. post. If you've filed for divorce you can work with your attorney to make a plan that considers the children's needs as well as your own. They can still see their father. Making that happen will be more difficult but it can be done.
If you're not working outside the home, I suggest that you could take the children for an extended visit to MN and your relatives to see if that would work. Until their is a judgment you can still have some flexibility in trying this out and then coming back to implement plans.
I agree with your mother. Stop worrying about him. Do consider what is best for your girls. Think about considerations other than their need to be with their dad. Being with him is just one piece of their needs.
After your SWH: Your daughter's journal is good documentation. And it sounds like he's not even going to be available half the time. I'd go for moving close to your family. Being with them will make up for not being with their father for the girls. They can still see him some of the time and will be able to talk with him on the phone. You could get Skype and they would see each other on the computer. Note: Think of all the children who don't see one or the other of their parents for a variety of reasons. They do alright with it. Separation just means a different way of relating and does take more planning at the beginning but it becomes routine.
You said you have an attorney. What does your attorney say about this? You have to deal with your attorney. Our advice carries no weight where the law is concerned.
Please, discuss your husband's abusive behavior with your lawyer. I wish you a lot of luck.
"Probably" having custody is not good enough. You are stepping into very murky water, if you move out of state without your ex's consent. LEGAL, in writing consent. You really should see a lawyer and have the custody in writing and legal before you even think about moving.
Consult an attorney, before you make this divorce harder then it has to be.
If you've already filed for divorce, you'll need to stay where you are until your divorce is final, since it will be that local jurisdiction that is handling your divorce and custody.
As you go through the process and firm up custody, you should definitely bring up "move away" orders. Neither of you can be legally prohibited from moving... the issue will be what happens with the children WHEN one of you moves. Get that worked out now so it doesn't haunt you. You should make decisions with all the information in hand, not based on what ifs, maybes, and afraid ofs.
Also, if you've already filed for divorce, there are likely some temporary orders in place which likely place restrictions on both of you. You probably need to give your stbxh notice if you plan to take the girls out of state on vacation (I would think that would interfere with his regular parenting time anyway, right?). Be sure you do that in writing (email is fine... better because you always have a date stamped copy), and save his response as well.
If you haven't actually filed yet, you can do whatever you want. Make whatever changes you plan to make and THEN file because the precedent will already be set.
HTH
T.
I don't think that you can take your children out-of-state (legally) without his consent. Moving back in the middle of a divorce is not likely to happen. I would consult with an attorney about this before making any decisions.
I believe you do have to have your husband sign to move out of state. I think within a certain mileage there has to be written consent with the courts. Do you have sole custody? if not then if he does agree to the move there will probably be different custody agreements written up through the courts.
Oh my, difficult situation! Is your ex still involved with your children? If he is a loving and interested father then I believe it would be better to stay near him. Or maybe he would consider moving if you did?
If he is uninterested and does not see the children, then it would be nice to have loving, supportive family around for them.
Tell your mom that the girls' father will NEVER be insignificant to THEM. He is to you, as he should be, but she should NEVER say anything like that in front of the girls and she should ALWAYS keep in mind that the girls love their father and don't need, or want, to hear anything negative about him.
You should speak with your attorney. Even if you get 100% sole physical custody, you will still need to deal with him if you want to move them out of state so you'd be doing yourself a service to talk with your lawyer and see what your STBX might have to say about an out-of-state move. I would figure that out before putting too much effort into making a decision. This issue in the divorce may be your deciding factor.
Yes, I do believe you must get his consent to move out of state with your girls. I'd start by talking to your STBX, letting him know that you are considering returning to MN so that you can have the support of your family and friends as you start your new life. Get his reaction and then you'll be able to make a more informed decision on your next step.
Even though everyone's disappointed in your husband's actions, he still has legal rights.
he's involved for the most part but still is emotionally abusive to our oldest.
That would be enough for me to say screw it, I'm taking the girls and going where I want to go, and to hell with what he wants
