My Four Old Started to Talk Funny

There was a recent question about this exact sort of speech issue (repeating consonants). Search for it because there were great answers. I do think it’s a phase – and that’s what a lot of the answers said.

The climbing and getting into stuff is totally normal – I occasionally found my son on the shelves of the linen closet, in between the pillows! And my mother told me I had a brief phase of being on top of the refrigerator, where she kept a basket of fruit. Apparently I was easily entertained by throwing peaches around the room. However, it was a short-lived phase because she didn’t put up with that sort of waste.

I agree completely with you about not spanking. Spanking teaches kids that big people can hit little people if they get frustrated, and that sets up a huge precedent. It means you can give up when you can’t think of anything else, and you can whack someone. Bad idea.

So, I would do the following: get some serious cabinet and appliance locks from a reputable child safety company. No dollar store items for you! Fridge, oven, stove knobs, microwave (lest he put something metal in there and punch in 20 minutes of time!). You can leave the pots/pans and the Tupperware in lower cabinets, but the food, the glassware (glasses or Pyrex baking dishes), the cleaners, the oils, and the food need to be protected. You also need a non-removable (by him) doorknob lock on his bedroom. Bolt his dresser and bookshelf to the wall – either get something from the manufacturer or from a child safety company. Climbing kids have been seriously injured or even killed by furniture tipping over on them. Also control Venetian blind cords – you might have already done that when he was little, but double check all of it.

So, when a child dumps stuff like flour or Legos or the content of a bookshelf, you use as few words as possible to explain the problem: “We don’t spill toys” or “We don’t dump food on the floor.” You take the child to his room, and put him in there “until you can calm down.” 4 years, 4 minutes. No discussion, no debate, no negotiating. After 4 minutes, let him out, but you don’t go into play time. You ask him if he can control himself now, and then you let him know you have to clean up the mess before you and he can play (or before he gets a snack or TV time or outside time or whatever he wants), and it will be faster if you work together. If he doesn’t help, then you’re just going to be too tired at the end of it to do anything fun with him. Your message is, “How unfortunate for you…” that a) Mom doesn’t have time to play or b) that the kitchen is a mess from the flour so there’s no way to make a snack or his favorite dinner or c) any other problem that affects him. Make it clear, in 4-year-old terms, that it was HIS decision to screw himself out of fun and privileges. If he doesn’t behave and he starts throwing stuff, even if he’s only been out of his room for 5 minutes, back he goes, for 4 minutes. Repeat as often as necessary. It will probably get worse (more crying, more screaming, more dumping of toys/food) before it gets better. Do not give up! It will work.

Now, I’m going to question one thing you said: “no new things happening.” I disagree. You split up with his father 8 months ago, and 3 months later, you brought a new boyfriend into your life, who has been in the picture for 5 months. That is a very short period of time in the life of a child. So while you didn’t see these behaviors 8 months ago or 5 months ago, it’s unrealistic to think that all these shifts in his reality don’t have an effect on him. One man is gone, a new man is in, but your child wonders how long this will last. He didn’t have a chance to really get used to his father being gone, and suddenly there was a new man, a new dynamic, and a new focus for you, his mother. He’s testing you. He’s trying to see how naughty he can be before you leave. He wants to know that you’ll always be there. So I think there’s a very strong likelihood that these behavioral changes are related to the upheaval in his life. Just because there was a brief period of no outbursts doesn’t mean there has been no effect on your son. There are rules about how long you wait to introduce a significant other into a child’s life, and you have chosen to ignore those. So my advice is, don’t bring the boyfriend to the house. Get a babysitter, and let your child know that Mommy is going out, but NOT that “Mommy is with Boyfriend.” Just
Mommy loves you, Mommy will be back before you wake up, Mommy needs grown-up time.” That’s all. If he sees his father, then “Daddy loves you” and “Mommy and Daddy don’t live together but we both love you tons, and that will never change.” Wait a year or two to introduce boyfriend to your son, and work to make sure that Daddy doesn’t introduce a girlfriend too soon. If these relationships don’t last, the child goes through another loss. That’s what they fear.

less than a day of him playing with words and you're already projecting problems?

it's probably just a phase. let it ride without freaking out about it and see what happens.

he does sound as if he's acting out and being naughty in other ways, and you do need to formulate a plan so you're not just reacting. very glad you're not a spanker, but your assertion that the giant life changes this very small human has been experiencing are 'nothing new or out of the ordinary' is a serious breach with reality.

his father is no longer in his daily life and mom has a new man almost immediately, and that's nothing new or ordinary?

your expectations of what a small person can absorb without issue are out of whack.

that doesn't mean he gets to pour milk on the carpet. you must react swiftly and without anger or drama to each egregious naughty act, and have him stop doing anything fun, clean it up, take a time out.

but beyond punishment you need to take a good hard look at how your actions are causing his reactions. maybe cool it with the boyfriends and put your focus onto parenting. don't explain exhaustively, but do spend plenty of one on one time with your son. and make sure that most of that time is spent wearing him out so he has less energy to get into naughtiness.
khairete
S.

I wouldn't personally be concerned about the speaking. At all. You could ask him what's up - he's likely just enjoying the sound it makes. I wouldn't draw too much attention to it though.

As for dumping milk on the carpet - that's a problem. I'd have him clean it up. Obviously you'll have to go over it more thoroughly, but I would have him work away at it. Same with dumping things out. Then I'd not have him get to enjoy something fun. Punishing is usually taking something away he enjoys - with my kids that didn't work. I would instead do something fun and not invite the misbehaving child to join in. Or if they were little and having a tantrum, I'd just say when they calmed down and used nice voice, they could join us.

No little kid wants to miss out on fun. Doing that over - and remaining calm - worked wonders for us.

Climbing on chairs is one thing - dumping milk - another. To me that suggests he's upset. Does he like the new guy? Three months between seeing his dad and new guy doesn't seem like a lot. Is new guy over a lot? Does your son still see his dad? Hard to say.

Consequences - and rewarding him for when he behaves and is helpful, kind, etc. is what I'd do. Then I'd work on figuring out why he's acting out. Kids don't always have the words to tell us.

I've seen a question something like this before.
He's playing with words.

There are child locks for major appliances.
When our son was young - we lived in a house where we could put child gates on the kitchen doors.
It was just safer to keep him out of the kitchen altogether.
The kitchen and bathroom(s) are the most dangerous rooms in your house.
You can't let him trash your house.
You watch him - constantly.
If he's out of your sight for 10 minutes - you go look for him.
And when he needs a time out - he goes in his room (no toys there except for his bedtime lovey) and he gets 1 min per years old as a time out.
So for a 4 yr old he gets 4 minutes.

It might be better to make a child safe zone in your house where he can't do anything to get into any trouble and you and he mostly stay there.
Just be consistent with discipline and reward good behavior.

Has your son met the new boyfriend?
It's best if your child doesn't meet your significant other(s) until marriage is imminent and he will be a permanent parent figure in his life.
With kids - you don't jump into relationships quickly - your kid(s) come first.