My Fiance Lied to Me About Using Camel Snus

If he had told you would you have judged him, nagged him, or otherwise tried to control his behavior even though he is a grown adult?

My husband had a habit I did not like, I was very vocal about him needing to stop while never respecting the fact that he was a grown man capable of making his own choices for his body. He lied to me because I really gave him no choice, I was acting controlling and unfair. I had to learn that his life his is own, and while it is okay for me to give my opinion on his behavior I must stop there because he can and will make his own choice. I forgave the lie because I recognized the corner I had painted him into.

Why don't you both just quit all forms of nicotine.

Solves the problem and increases your odds of having a future together.

It sounds like you tolerate (or enjoy, or whatever word is appropriate) one form of nicotine, but you have expressed an intolerance towards another. And your dislike of the other form actually extends to disgust, and disappointment in a person.

Isn't this a bit like enjoying and routinely drinking one form of alcohol, like whiskey, but despising gin, and showing disgust for anyone who orders a gin and tonic and ordering the other person to only consume the alcohol of your choice?

How did you express your disgust to chewing tobacco? Did you pretty much order your fiance to never use it? Did you describe, in great detail, how much you hated it and what kind of person would use chewing tobacco? What is it that you hate? It can't be the smell, or the nicotine stains, since those are inherent in cigarettes.

Now, I realize that some people who chew tobacco have a habit of spitting it, sometimes loudly or messily, into a plastic bottle or onto a sidewalk. That's as difficult to tolerate as someone who would grind out their cigarette in your coffee cup or who would throw their cigarette butt into your rose garden. I can understand if you ask your fiance to refrain from chewing tobacco when you're out with him, if he is constantly spitting or filling a plastic bottle with brown spit. We had a neighbor who would carry her spit bottle with her everywhere, even into my living room, and I asked her (well, I told her) that I wouldn't have that sloshing brown bottle on my kitchen table or in my house, since she was only stopping by for a couple of minutes, usually to ask for a favor. What she did in her own home was her business. And since your fiance is employed, I'm assuming he doesn't spit all over his desk. I see no problem with asking him to refrain from using chewing tobacco when he's out with you, or when you two are watching a movie at home. Just smoke cigarettes if that's your choice.

It seems like integrity is an issue you both need to work on. You're not asking him to stop using nicotine because you both use it, but you're asking him to use it in a way you dictate, and then questioning his truthfulness when he violated your behavior standards. And he is desperate for nicotine at work, so he resorts to chewing tobacco but doesn't tell you due to disgust and disappointment.

So, either nicotine is on the table, or off the table. Good manners are important, so if spitting and slopping is an issue, its ok to ask him to be a little more civil when he's out in public. But that applies to cigarettes, too. No just throwing them in the street, out of the car, or grinding them out wherever seems convenient. Use an ashtray, or an appropriate receptacle.

Isn't a nicotine addiction a nicotine addiction? Does it matter in what form a person uses it? Chewing tobacco at least doesn't bring health problems to people around you, like smoking does.

But I do think you have a problem with communication and with lying - why did he feel the need to lie, why did you find one form of tobacco use to be disgusting and not the other form, and so on.

As always, when there is a communication problem and a trust problem, you try counseling. That's where you will find out if there are bigger problems that will affect your future.

You smoke but you can't handle chewing tobacco? Huh? That makes me laugh.

You've set your relationship up to fail. You've told him you will not tolerate something and made it impossible for him to come to you and tell you what was going on.

It's like you're perfect and you're expecting him to be perfect too. That's not life and it isn't going to happen like that. You already don't trust him and now will question him. Say thanks for the good times and move on.

Welcome to mamapedia.

He doesn't trust you enough to tell you the truth. He might continue to hide things from you because you have set the bar so high that you are more like his mother than his partner.

You don't trust him. You've admitted you you doubt his integrity.

You either accept him and his "faults" or you don't. Make the decision now before you say "I DO".

Keep in mind, you've set your expectations bar VERY HIGH with your "disgust" of the stuff. So he'll continue to hide it because you don't approve. You're supposed to be his partner, not his mother.

I don't like smoking. My husband smokes. He does NOT smoke in the house and does NOT bring it IN the house. He leaves his "smoking jacket" outside to air out. He doesn't hide it. He tolerates your smoking. Why can't you tolerate his chewing? Does he spit in front of you?

Personally? I'd find someone who has the same expectations as you.

Good luck, J.. You're gonna need it.

Oh, I think it's normal to try and hide our bad habits from people. I'm definitely overweight, and I try to hide me eating from people (as if they're dumb enough to believe that I don't eat chips and sweets).

Only you can decide if this is hiding a bad habit from the person you are romantically involved with or deceitful lying. They're not really the same thing.

Tobacco use between my husband and me would be a reason for divorce.
I've run out of fingers and need to use my toes to count up all the dead relatives, friends and co-workers we've lost from nicotine related health problems.
The one relative that chewed (the rest smoked) got mouth/throat cancer and lost a good part of his jaw before it killed him.
You need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.
If it is - then make him an ex fiance and move on.

He's a grown up and able to decide things for himself. He didn't need your permission to use chewing tobacco and you don't get to make the decision that he is or isn't allowed to do it. He didn't lie to you unless you asked him directly if he was using chewing tobacco and he denied it.

As far as relationships go? Decide if this is the hill you want to die on and figure it out. Some things are deal breakers. If this is one of your deal breakers then be honest and upfront about it.

heh. i can't help giggling a little at a smoker who 'despises' chaw.
but yeah- blick.
i'm sure he was only lying because he was worried about your reaction.
i myself have a zero tolerance policy about lying, but most aren't as rigid about it as i.
sounds as if at the very least you need to create a dialogue moving forward about the role of honesty in your relationship, and how to create safe space for either of you to broach a subject you know will be fraught with peril.
if you need help, get a good counselor to help you set it up.
khairete
S.

I think you're making a bigger deal of this than you need to. If your fiance ate potato chips behind your back, would you consider that to be as bad as cheating on you and a reason to end things or assume cheating is next? I wouldn't. The fact you're so angry and feel he is capable of anything for something as minor as using another form of tobacco because he cannot smoke seems blown out of proportion. I wouldn't label him a compulsive liar for something so minor.

He didn't tell you because he knew you'd blow up and be disappointed, but I don't think it means he lacks integrity and has poor character. I would just tell him that he should communicate everything, good and bad, to you, and not feel afraid to do so. If you find he keeps failing to communicate, I'd try counseling, so they assist you both in keeping the dialogue open. As others suggested, I would recommend you BOTH quit smoking, it will extend your lives -- and put an end to these silly fights.

In my opinion he wouldn't have hidden it from you if you hadn't basically told him he isn't allowed to do it. He's not a child. He is quite capable of making his own decisions.

He is also able to brush his teeth and gargle and more before he comes home. He can keep some stuff in his desk or in a small backpack he carries to and from work. Then he can take care of the issue at work before he comes home.

By the way. He's been doing it for a YEAR and you didn't know. So it can't be that bad for you.

Sometimes we make it an impossible situation where people just ignore our demands that aren't what they want and they cover it up to keep the peace. If I don't like something and it's a problem, such as spit cans and wads on top of the trash in the can where I can see it, nasty teeth and chunks in his teeth, then that's when I'd draw the line.

But you didn't even know he was doing it until recently. So you don't have any room to talk. You smoke, he smokes, you're both taking risks for oral, throat, and lung cancer. Equally with cigarettes and chewing tobacco.