My grown daughter of 23 has had a history of ODD/ADD/Insomnia/Depression...etc...She goes through times when she does very well and times when she is very low. We have taken her to doctors, put her on medicine, therapy sessions, family support, etc and at 21 she got pregnant and had a baby and now is 23 and still very sexually active. We have tried and tried to get on multiple kinds of birth control, but she defies us and feels like getting pregnant again is really not that big of a deal. She cannot stay on the pill, forgets to go get her shots, could not get an IUD because of an STD, and fights with everyone who tried to suggest and help her. I am so concerns that she will keep getting pregnant over and over again, and so many lives will be ruined by her inabilities to handle herself much less others. My husband and her father is dying of ALS/Lou Gehrigs and she does not see how that plays any part in the amount of children she has. She is a waitress at Chili's and barely makes enough to pay her bills.
HELP!! HELP!! HELP!! Does anyone have a suggestion of what I might do to effectively help her. I almost want to make this a legal matter. After all the state will end up paying for so many of her mistakes anyway!!!!
HELP!!!!!
Those of you who answered my comment have not idea how helpful you have been. I was so impressed by your indepth,heartfelt and honest opinions/comments. I was so moved and enlightened, I made some immediate changes in my own life, with respect to my relationship with my daughter. I have tried this week to speak to her in a much more adult, loving, supportive way. Affirming her and giving her room to opinionate, be her own kind of mother, and let her know how much I love her above anything else. Thank you all again for your help!!!!
I'm going to PM you a question.
But I automatically thought bi-polar immediately. My best friend is bi-polar and I not only picked up on it immediately, but she's helped me learn a lot about it.
Is she bipolar at all? The highs/lows and sexual promiscuity are all bipolar symptoms. Is she a good mother? Is she living on her own and taking care of her child? If not, you can get cps involved to help her.
I mean, her reproductive health is her choice and noone else's, the more you fight her the more she will become firm in her decisions. But, if she is also being an unfit mother, endangering the child, leaving it with you to care for while she goes off and parties, that is an issue itself and legal neglect. You could always ask for guardianship, just be sure you are not enabling her by giving her money and free babysitting while she works and such. You could help her get family counseling and encourage her to go to school to have a better future for her and her child.
family therapy, life skills coaching, state aid are all things that may help, here is the link to your states' health and human services department:
http://www.humanservices.mesacounty.us/index.cfm?id=128
As for the disease, let her know that it is genetic and can very likely be passed down to her or her children:
http://www.alsa.org/als/genetics.cfm
i would call child support, shes an adult and needs to take responsability for herself. If she wanted help she would have taken it, I would honestly take a step back and let her make all her mistakes. And tell her that your not supporting her lifestyle. meaning no babysitting, giving her money. Let her know you love her very much. but untill she can ( MAN UP) that you and your hubby can not take the stress.
Some mentioned she may be bipolar, she may even be manic depressive. I know you are concerned for her well being but she is grown and you have to let her live her life and make her own decisions. Unfortunately gone are the days where you could have someone committed into a mental institution without their consent. And gone are the days where you could have your mentally ill child's reproductive system removed. So you have little to no recourse there.
If she does end up getting pregnant again and again that isn't the end of the world. I have some family members that have caught and died from AIDS because of their sexual choices. In light of how that disease ruins ones health when not treated soon, I'm certain each of my relatives would have prefer them having children over that death.
I would advise you to get some counseling for yourself. It sounds like you have too much on you plate and need a break.
She's an adult now, and you need to let her lay in the bed she made if you really want to help her. It will be hard, but don't help her out. Tell her you love her very much, but if this is how she wants to live then you cannot support it. I"m not saying being out of her life. If you enable her, she'll never change. Love your grandbabies, they are not at fault. If she's on the State's dime, hopefully they have a law about staying on wellfare and keep having children. I don't know AZ laws.
Prayers going out to you!
Call in Child Services, see if they have any answers for you. I'm not sure anything can be done - but you may want to tell her the chances either she or her children will have ALS.
While people are mentioning bipolarity, what they probably don't know is that "sensory seeking" (aka a very active sex life is an example of sensory seeking), as well as the mood swings / intense emotions and emotional reactions, the cut off my nose to spite my face, kinds of things are ALL hallmark of adhd. ((As of course, are insomnia, argument for the sake of it, having to learn by doing instead of by counsel)). Meaning your daughter could be a poster child for ADHD (h or i or c).
As someone who is ADHD... let her live her life and learn from her own mistakes. We adhd'ers tend to do things a little bit differently than most people, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. The LESS you try and control her, the more influence you will have.
((I actually moved 5000 miles away from my parents, and stayed gone -many times hanging up mid phone call and not calling back for ages- until they learned to treat me like an adult, and then some (meaning I tested the water on and off for a few years after they started treating me like an adult instead of an incompetent/embarrassing/child before entrusting them with my heart again). I do NOT tolerate being told what to do by anyone I have not put in that position -like a boss-, and I do NOT tolerate being talked down to / looked down on by anyone. But these days my mum is one of my BEST friends, and my most trusted confidant. She just had to get over telling me what to do and how to live my life.))
Did "bad" things happen to me because I had to "do it myself"? Yup. Of course they did. :) Life happens. And we learn to roll with it. An upside of ADHD is that we tend to be VERY flexible people, and once we actually understand a problem, inside and out, we either don't repeat it OR we actually find it NOT to be a problem. Many people look at my life and think me insane. But I've learned, through trial and error, what works best for ME.
One of the major differences I've noticed between non-adhd'ers and adhd'ers is that most people have goals that they "attain". They work towards something and "arrive". We, otoh, tend to be in a state of constantly learning / experimenting/ changing. It means that in certain professions we REALLY shine. But our "timelines" tend to be very different from the norm. We tend to either "succeed" very young (before we start questioning things), or "succeed" 10-20 years later than most. ((Or both, many of us change tracks on a dime... our "midlife crisis" often occurs in our early 20's)) My uncle is a great example of *both*. PhD in astrophysics in his early 20s, quit the field entirely, and "bummed" around the world for a few years and then "settled down" sewing snow clothes. At his death his adventure gear is in nearly every photo in National Geographic that involves water -wet or frozen- and over 600 people attended his funeral / twice that at his wake. There was a 15' mountian of pepsi in honor of him at the wake, because like most ADHD'ers he had caffeine practically "on drip".))
But he's fairly typical of an adhd'er that is supported by their family. Meaning that he was encouraged on his capers rather than discouraged. He was successful young, then turned on a dime and drifted for several years, and then started his own company that did things he was passionate about. He was married a LOT. He spent 6mo of every year doing incredibly dangerous things (and in his late 60's finally died doing them). About 1/4 of my family is just like him. We're a pretty out there bunch. The girls, in particular, tend to have quite a bit longer of a "lag" (the whole not risking our lives for our children's sakes things).
Like actors or writers are notorious for (of course, many actors and writers are adhd), many of us take "fluff" jobs for many years while we "figure out what we want to be when we grow up" / OR to allow us the physical and metal time work on more "important" things. Waitressing is probably not her ideal job, but it's getting her by while she works on other things or figures stuff out. It MAY be that being a mom is her ideal job (most of us are so child-like that we make excellent parents - different from childISH- child like we dive into our children... researching, playing, laughing, helping, encouraging... and so intuitive that we rather instinctively provide what's needed... and so insomniatic that the lack of sleep that drives other parents up the wall are just our normal state of being.)) Or it may be that her ideal job is something that one just CANNOT do as a parent, so she'll waitress until her kids are teens and (still quite young) completely change career tracks having gotten her kids raised, or it may be that she's still figuring out what she wants to do with her life and as she discovers that will start chasing that dream with the tenacity & vivacity & easy goingness (I know odd combo, but it's like seeking a triple degree going part time) that we're known for.
What I HEAR in your writing is that your daughter is a TERRIBLE disappointment to you. That you view her as utterly incapable (as in wanting to pursue legal action to take away her rights/ free will/ children). Is there any chance that that ISN'T true? That she has strengths and gifts and just might be an amazing person?
I don't have a lot of advice that hasn't already been said regarding the behavioral aspects, however I have input on the birth control aspect. Someone below me mentioned Norplant is no longer available, but Implanon is another implantable birth control that is available here and it is effective for three years. I would look into that if I were in your situation. It's the only one that I know of that you really don't have to stay on top of or remember anything in the way of dosing or appointments. NuvaRing is pretty worry free, but you still have to remember to take it out after 3 weeks then put in another one after 1 week, so I'm sure that wouldn't be a practical option for her. Hopefully she will be a candidate for Implanon or another implantable method. Good luck to you!
All you can do is keep a very close eye on your grandchildren and make sure they aren't being abused or neglected in any way. If they are, you need to be their advocate and contact child services.
I would try to help her be a success (whatever that would mean to her) rather than add to her problems. That seems to be the best outcome for everyone. I understand the idea of holding off on having more children until she gets her life together. If she agrees to wait, go with Norplant. She can always have it removed early, but it will last five years otherwise.
EDIT
Sorry, I just read that Norplant is no longer available in the US. Like some other moms pointed out, I guess you just have to keep an eye on her kids to make sure they are safe and well. She is an adult, and if she is paying her bills (even if it's barely) then that's a good thing. Try being positive rather than critical, she doesn't sound like she reacts well to that.
