My Daughter Is Mean :(

At this age, I don't think they really have a lot of empathy for others, so being mean back to her so she can see how it feels will probably not work, and it may backfire if she thinks it's okay for Mommy to be mean.

I think the wronged or hurt child should get all of the attention, and your daughter should get no attention when she does these things. She's trying to get a reaction from you, and it's working. Obviously you have to intervene, but it should be a consistent application of discipline and the loss of privileges. It needs to be immediate and unquestioned. It won't work the first few times but keep doing it. Separate her from the group, don't bother explaining why it's mean or hurtful because she either doesn't get it or doesn't care. Your goal is to stop the behavior, whether or not she understands the "why". Take away a privilege (immediately - nothing like "no tv tonight because you were mean this morning."), or a toy, or put her in her room. If it happens in a public place like a restaurant or playground, leave immediately, even if it inconveniences the others.

If a child misbehaves on the school bus, what do you do? I imagine you remove the child from the situation and make him/her sit in the seat closest to you so they can't be with the other kids, right? In your daughter's case, you don't want to give her your attention, but you do want to remove her from the scene. Be firm, be quick, be decisive. "No, we do not treat people that way." "No, those words are mean and they are not allowed. Give me the toy and go to your room." (Then remove any fun toys from her room - I used to let my child keep his stuffed animals and his blankie, but no toys). Anyway, consistency is the key, and it WILL work.

Find out if she does this at school too - if so, it may be a bigger problem and perhaps she needs a therapist, as someone else suggested. You can also ask the teacher what she/he says so you can use the same language at home. But if it's only with you, then you have part of your answer already.

Good luck - we all go thru this!

You may want to consider a child therapist. There can be something bothering her that she does not know how to express other than by being mean. Good luck.

I'd suggest you step up the discipline and apply it consistently. It sounds like she's reaching out for attention since she has to share you with the daycare kids and her brother. That's a lot for a little girl to deal with, and she may not even know why she's doing what she's doing.

Nonetheless, she needs to learn her behavior is not acceptable and there are consequences. Make some one on one time, tell her that her behavior is hurtful to others and not acceptable. Make it a two-way conversation, ask her why she thinks she does it. She honestly may not know, she's just reacting to the sitution around her. Still, let her know that when she does mean things, she will lose a privilege (no TV or computer that day, time out, no treats after dinner, etc., whatever will mean the most to her).

Once the discipline is addressed, maybe you could figure out a way to eek out some alone time with each of your kids every day. Talk to them and tell them you'd love it, and ask them to help you figure out when that time will be. If you get all three of you involved in setting it up, the other will respect the sibling's time alone with you knowing they'll get their time too. Maybe it's ten minutes alone at bedtime to cuddle and read, maybe it's when one's down for a nap if they still nap. Maybe you crawl in in the morning before the rest of the house is awake and talk about your day to come. Maybe you cook together... I know the days are crazy busy, but if you make one-on-one time a priority now, you'll have that window of communication for years to come. Good luck!

HI Jen,

I would catch her doing something good, then give her lots of positive attention. Make a chart for things done well and good, at the end of each week if she gets seven stars she gets to pick an activity to do that is fun. If she doesnt get the seven stars, she can try again. If she is mean, I would plan to take your son out for an ice cream and tell her she can not come because of her actions. She will catch on real quick. Also be consistent with each time out.

Good luck!

Wow, my 6 year old son is mean too! I'm sorry I don't have any tips for you, I'm going through the same thing. I will be speaking to his Dr. soon to find out what else to do, I'm at a loss and don't know where else to turn. My son even stepped on a catepillar the other day that all the kids were taking turns holding.

J.,

Have you tried taking her favorite toy away or some other consequence? Punishing her, time out, loss of a priviledge? Go thru her favorite items or outtings, sports, seeing friends, going to the movies, whatever you can think of to see what matters to her and see if that makes a difference.

Good luck,
L. M

Tell her just what you said.... You know, I am afraid that no one is going to want to play with you if you behave that way!

If she is being mean, tell her she can do it by herself, meaning she needs to go in the other room and not be with everyone. A big time out is needed. Also, make sure you give her the attention she does need when she is being nice and when she is good. Does She get rewards for being good and does she have consequences for being mean? It does sound like she is a jealous and acting out and taking it out on the other kids, but that is no excuse. Can you have a talk with her before she goes to bed and ask her why she is acting like this. perhaps she needs to write down in journal or talk to someone about why she is acting out. You can tell her that if she is going to be mean then she will have to stay in her room or somewhere that is not fun. Is she tired? Does she need a nap? Is she hungry? Some kids act out when their blood sugers are low. I hope you can get to the bottom of this. Good luck!!