My Daughter Doesn't like Her Cousin...

Just because they are related doesn't mean that their personalities are compatible. You can't make her like someone she just doesn't like.
And I would get pissy about someone putting my toys in their mouths too.

If my sister were not related to me and lived next door, I would never be friends with her. We have NOTHING in common AT ALL. You can't force people to have relationships, no matter what age.

My husband still remembers having to play with a kid because their moms were friends. The kid was a complete jerk-off. He still remembers how miserable that was.

She HAS to be polite, but just because they're children doesn't mean they have to like each other. Adults forget this for some reason. It's easier for us, and we get lazy.

She doesn't have to be BFFs with her. But she has to be kind. That is the discussion I would keep reinforcing.

Beyond that, I wouldn't worry. It might just be a phase.

"Whether you like her or not, your cousin is coming to play. You will be nice to her or you will be punished. Rude behavior to family or ANYONE is completely unacceptable."

Immediate consequences for rude behavior.

M

a 2 year age gap is HUGE for kids this small. very, very few 5 year olds really enjoy 3 year olds, even siblings.
so, don't have unrealistic expectations. this is really pretty natural.
that doesn't mean you shouldn't take advantage of this excellent opportunity to do some courtesy training. help your daughter find better and more appropriate ways to express herself, including just giving you a look (or a secret high-sign) and not saying anything at all.
secret signals are a huge hit with the pre-K crowd. it will make her feel heard and understood, and help her learn when not to express herself verbally in a hurtful fashion.
give the little cousin her *own* toys to play with. your daughter's not out of line to want to keep her own stuff out of little chops. and encourage parallel play, not interactive, which will probably be just fine with the little one.
in short, have some firm, easy-to-follow rules about courtesy, but don't expect warm fuzzies.
khairete
S.

Does she know when her cousin is coming over, is it sprung on her? A little prep talk so she knows when and what to expect may be in order. "Jane, you know Susie and her mom and coming over after lunch because I invited them for a visit. Susie may not be a favorite playmate of yours right now, but while they are here, you must be polite. You do not have to like her, but you must not be rude or say hurtful things to her." Then have her put away any cherished items she doesn't want to share, and have her bring out the toys she is OK sharing. Give her some control. And lots of praise for politeness and self-control afterwards. I think it's their ages and the age difference. Mostly likely, it's a phase she'll outgrow.

"We've tried to talk to her about saying rude things that can hurt other people's feelings and the fact that it's her cousin, it's family."

I would repeat that, over and over again, the day before her cousin comes over, 10 minutes before she gets there, and the night after she leaves. Compliment your daughter when she shares and is friendly and give her consequences for when she is rude.

I think I'm in the minority (according to the other responses) but in my house I wouldn't allow a 5-year-old to say rude/mean things to her little cousin like "why is she here?" without a consequence.

I would tell her she doesn't have to like her but she has to be polite. That means no saying anything that she herself would not like to have said to her. That does not mean she has to entertain the 3 year old. The 3 year old's parent gets that job. Not everyone likes everyone else. That is a simple fact. She might not like the cousin because she is 3 and there is a HUGE difference between 3 and 5 year olds. If this is the case, they may become closer as they get older, but they may not. The cousin should bring her own toys over to play with. I would NOT force my child to lend his toys to a younger child who might break or damage them. That will only encourage more enmity. And ick, I would be upset if someone put my things into their mouth too.

The age difference probably plays a lot in to this. Also energy levels. My niece is 5 and is like a bouncy ball whereas my kids are more chilled at 7, 9, and 11. My youngest and niece used to play a lot, but as they have gotten older their interests have changed - and I don't see my 2nd grader playing with other kindergarteners at school.

I would just continue to work with her on appropriate things to say and let things play out. I think it's a phase.

Just because you're related doesn't mean they are going to be friends or should have to play together. At ages 3 and 5, they are different developmentally. I wonder if the forced relationship is why she's pushing back/

When your niece comes over, keep her out of your daughter's hair and away from her toys. Have specific toys set aside that are appropriate for a 3 year old.

Saying mean things is not okay either so tell your daughter that if she can't hold her tongue, then she can be alone in her room during the visit.

I'm sure part of it is the age. Her cousin is younger than her, kind of like the pesky, little sister. She probably adores her older cousins and looks up to them. Perfectly natural at that age.

I would focus more on the fact that we do not always like our relatives, but we do love them and do need to be respectful.

She doesn't have to like her cousin. That's not something either one of you can change. Just help her find ways to be nice even when she finds her cousin annoying.

My close friend has a little girl a year older than my daughter (they were 5 and 4 at the time). She was the exact same as your daughter with mine every time we went over - it was very awkward and the mother would chastise her while we were there (and probably afterwards) but it never changed. We simply don't get together with them any more - I do stuff with the mom alone.

Here's what I found. Some kids don't really like younger kids - this one didn't. She was totally different with kids her own age or older (they were 5 and 4 at the time) - she felt younger kids were babies. She was the second (youngest child) in her family, and I think her brother treated her like a *baby* so she was acting out the same scenario with my daughter.

My little one is easy going and friendly so she just let it roll off her, but my friend's daughter just turned into a whiny brat. Truth be told, she's not that friendly a kid in general - it's more she tolerates kids, so some of it was her personality. The mom freely admits this, so there's only so much you can do.

Here's the advice part if it helps - chastising her daughter in front of us, or saying "you have to be nice" or "you have to play with her" made it seem like it was a chore. Made it into something she was required to do. Made my daughter seem like a drag. I wish the mom had treated having us over as fun, but she didn't. It always was "you have to play with her because they are our guests". She did the same thing when my daughter wanted to play with her toys she would say "you have to share because she's your guest".

I've never presented having kids over that way, or sharing, etc. I think her approach just made this kid resent mine. Anyways, as I said, I would bring our own toys, keep my little one entertained, and I intervened (trying to lighten the mood) many times, and reciprocating more at my house (where it was always fine - she was happy to visit us), but we just ditched the idea after a while.

If she's chewing your daughter's toys etc. that may upset your daughter. Maybe put away any special ones and just have a box of toys your daughter is ok with her playing with.

The other thing is, find some toys that both kids can play with side by side - so that they aren't really interacting constantly but are entertained. A movie they both can watch helps if it's really awkward.

Good luck :)

There is a big difference in. 3 year old and a 5 year old. Your daughter is expected to entertain a toddler. That can be a big responsibility for a 5 year old. Heck I know adults that are not great about having to entertain other adults with different personalities.

Yes, your daughter needs to learn to be polite. She needs to be reminded she is the big girl and her little cousin wants to play with the big girl.

Manners including sharing are important during these visits, but at this age, their attention spans are very short.

Consider having some toys that will work for the two of them to play with together and seperatly, but keep n mind, you and SIL need to remember the children are still your responsibility. You cannot expect at this age to send them to a playroom alone for more than a few minutest alone since a 3 year old can get into all sorts of situation incredibly fast, and a 5 year old is not a proper baby sitter.

Your daughter may need practice with younger children. You may need to come up with some options for your daughter. Explain to her that 3 year olds are still babies, so even though this cousin can walk and talk, she is still really young and still has baby behaviors.

It's normal. Half the time my daughter doesn't like her 3 year old brothers and she's 6. They don't "play" with the toys right, they make a mess and genuinely annoy her. This is probably the same with your daughter and her cousin. I agree that you should correct her about being rude and hurting someone's feelings, but I wouldn't force the issue either. Also, little kids love playing with older kids, but it's not vice versa. My sister has 4 kids, 12, 11, 4, 2, my daughter loves playing with the 12 and 11 year old, and they can't stand playing with her. My sister's 4 year old and 2 year old love playing with my daughter, and she can't stand playing with them. Now, while we make them be nice to each other, we don't make them play together. It's funny, that when we stayed out of it, they started playing together more. It seems that when we would force them to play, the older kids thought we were taking the younger kids side and got mad. My daughter would be upset that I picked the 4 year old and 2 year old over her by saying she had to play with them. She got resentful and hated playing with them even more. We stayed out of it, they started playing, if they stopped playing together we left it alone. If the younger one's complained, we would tell them the older ones needed time for themselves.

Did you ever ask her why she doesn't "like" her cousin? Ask her in a non threatening way. Maybe you will be able to understand your daughters feelings toward her lil' cousin.

Sadly if your little one says stuff like this she "could" grow up to be a "mean-girl". Help her understand that you may not like everyone you are around, but you need to keep your thoughts to yourself.

Treat people how you want to be treated. I hope that when they both are a little older that they will be able to enjoy being around each other for the family events at least. :)

Give it a few years.
I can't think of any 5 yr olds that like playing with 3 yr olds.
They are just in different phases of development and have different interests.

My two younger sons find that hanging out with my niece to be a chore, but I think it's because there is a bigger age gap and a gender difference. She is 5 and they are 9 & 10. I know it bums my sister out because her daughter is her only child and she adores her cousins, always asks to play with them or hang out and really just things the moon and stars of them and they get bored playing with her after a few minutes. She's also pretty bossy and tells on them, which they don't appreciate. Unfortunately, this means that I see less of my sister than I'd like because we can't just count on the kids playing together nicely for hours while we hang out. They're not outright rude to her when she's here, but I do get some whining and complaining when I announce that she's coming over, and after 20 minutes or so the "the boys won't play with me" begins so we find something else for her to do (usually with us) while they go back to their usual play.

I would think that because they are the same gender and close in age that eventually, your daughter will appreciate having a partner in crime for family gatherings and someone to sneak off and play with while the adults are visiting with each other. The difference between 5 & 3 is pretty big, but between 5 & 7 or 8 & 10 isn't. At 5, she is old enough to not speak rudely so I would use points or whatever positive discipline technique you normally use to encourage gracious behavior when they do get together. Let her know in advance that she is coming over and for how long they will stay, have her plan a few activities that they can do together, role play using nice words, and let her know that if she manages to be gracious during the visit, she'll earn points or stickers or whatever.

It sounds like she needs to get grabbed up and sat in time out or sat by mom for a little while and little cousin go ahead and play. She seems to be getting away with this. Kids don't stop saying what's on their mind without that filter for several more years than your child is. She needs instant consequences for saying mean things to her cousin.

Also, please put the toys up that are choke hazards. If you are unsure if a toy is a choke hazard there are many lists but the general rule is if any part of that tool will go through a toilet paper cardboard roll it's too small for a child that still puts things in their mouth.

Because she still puts things in her mouth Barbie shoes, Hot Wheels cars, Legos, etc...are all too small for this child to have access to. She could choke to death before you even realize she is choking because a choking kid is absolutely silent.

This is one reason kids of different ages can't share rooms well. The older one has to play with baby toys until both kids are not putting stuff in their mouths.

I have a cousin I strongly dislike and the feeling is mutual. We never got along, not even as kids. So I would give it time to see if it's a personality clash or if she doesn't like not being "the baby". If there is a behavior you can pinpoint, work with the other parents to stop it. Or put toys away and only allow the kids to play with a subset of toys that DD says are "ok". Or enlist them in something like baking cookies where they each get their own tray.

If it is a personality clash, then understand that they will not be best friends and minimize the times they have to play with just each other.

If your DD truly doesn't want cousin at her parties going forward, then talk to her about what kind of party she does want and perhaps limit it to 5 friends from school, vs a friend-and-everybody party. As DD got older, some of the farther-flung cousins got dropped (on both sides) because the kids have other friends now and it was a long drive. No hard feelings, as the parents understood and the kids didn't seem to care.

I'd continue to work with her on tact. I did not have to adore my cousin, but I had to deal with her at Thanksgiving (til we grew up and did our own thing) and I put up with her for the sake of Grandma and family harmony for 1 or 2 days a year.

Could be as everyone else seems to be saying, that she is one of those kids that just doesn't like younger kids until she matures or it is as you suspect, she is jealous.

Thing is if you don't discourage at least the outright meanness, it won't end. I know, my youngest is the cousin that is shunned and she is 13 and the cousin that does it is 14. This cousin even has two much younger siblings, second marriage, that she doesn't treat that way because she isn't allowed to so at family events she goes after my daughter only. The worst part is this cousin tries to get everyone else to be mean to her including my older two kids who are adults which is rather funny. She will constantly try to get my older daughter to do things with her and leave her sister out. My daughter nicely says that is rude and ignore her requests but she keeps trying.

Doesn't help that my ex sister in law then corners my older daughter saying, well she doesn't see you very much so you should give her one on one time. Again my daughter nicely points out, she doesn't see her little sister much either since she lives on her own.

Anyway, rambling. You see it is a problem, you don't seem to be enabling it, it will end eventually. She is just getting used to not being the baby. I just wanted to point out that if allowed to continue, if it is seen as no big deal, or even if her emotions were encouraged, it does not go away on its own with time.

This actually surprises me a little. Most 5 year old girls I know love to act like the 'helper' when it comes to a 3 year old. I've seen 3 year olds with the attitude against younger toddlers.

This might just be a phase for your daughter (I'm trying to be hopeful). It also could be a personality issue.

The chewing on toys sounds more like a toddler than a 3 year old. My almost 5 year old was invited to a 3 year old's b-day party and that 3 year old must have been very mature. My daughter also gets invited to 7 year old's b-day parties. Neither were because of me (my friend's child) it was because the b-day child wanted HER.

I don't know many 5 year olds who enjoy being around 3 year olds, whether they are related or not.
It's not a matter of her not liking her cousin, she's just at a different developmental stage, don't read too much into it.

Have you asked her why she feels that way?

My son and nephew had this sort of relationship for the longest. My son is now 17 and my nephew is 11. But when my nephew was 4+, if my son was in the room they did not get along. Which my son gets along with everyone, but my nephew would cry and say my son did things, sometimes he did sometimes he didn't. However, my nephew didn't get along with his older brothers either. Of course at first you listen more to the little one over the bigger one because they should know better. But even his brothers would say that he was lying and just trying to get my son in trouble. A lot of times, I would tell my son just to go into the other room or stay away. Hopefully she will out grow it, but you are going to have to deal with it for a while.