My Childless Sister EDITED

Does she work? If so, you can start inviting her to daytime things M-F and start griping about how you as SO sick of her excuse of her job. ;)

lol please don't be mad at me but i would tell her" you can get the finger.....THE MIDDLE"! Tell her to go sit down somewhere. good luck

She'll never listen to you till she has her own kids. And when that day comes just tell her you want front row seats!!!

She's 24 with no job? What's HER "excuse" for not doing those things herself? Give her a choice: SHE watches your kids while YOU mow the lawn or she just mows it herself. And seriously, WHY should YOU have to go get HER kitten? Really? She sounds very young and immature and nothing you say will make her feel differently. Just tell her "my kids are not my *excuse*, they're my *reason*. I understand that you just don't "get it" and I forgive you for that, you're still young and someday you'll understand. Until then, I'll keep forgiving your ridiculous attitude, you just can't help it." Then pray that she has 4 kids of her own someday...

People that don't have kids really can't understand why you can't just do something. Maybe suggest that you are happy to go and mow the lawn if she has your kids? Then she may quit using that line so much!

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I think there's a distinction that needs to be made. It is not your kids that prohibit your ability to do whatever, whenever.... it is the sum of the responsibilities of your life, including to your husband. Mowing the lawn for your father's birthday is not your responsibility. It is a nicety if you could help in some way, but unless it was your idea and your plan.... it's not your responsibility. Rather than explaining, "I can't because I have kids," perhaps she'll have a better chance of some sort of understanding if you say, "I have other responsibiliites I have to see to first." Then, it's not trying to get out of what she may see as "your share" but rather an explanation of the perameters in which you live your life. Hopefully, it will penetrate. Best of luck to you.

How old is she? 16? Give me a break.. She does realize you have 4 children?

Maybe instead offer to hire someone to mow the park.. Find some high school kids to go out there..

I agree, have her baby sit your kids one day all day.. then come home and tell her lets go party! If she tells you she is tired, tell her, I don't want to hear your excuses.. come on..

What was she so busy with that she could not take the kitten to the shelter? Obviously, you cannot let her ignorance upset you. Tell her to come over and watch them all while you go out, LOL and tell her that until she does that, she will NEVER understand!

OMG
She sounds like a primadonna and high maintenance... just ignore her.
She is ignorant.
She probably is just jealous you have kids and she doesn't and doesn't even have a 'husband' if she is single.

She will never... understand.
So YOU have to KEEP standing firm.

Does she ever babysit your kids? Does she even know how?
I bet, she wouldn't even spend an entire day with the kids, babysitting them.

STOP being her door-mat.... and her 'dumpster' for her mean condescending stuck-up behavior.
And don't feel guilty about it.
She lacks maturity and wisdom and basic decency and respect. For you.

Next time she tells "you" to do something... tell her "Do it yourself.... I am not your maid..."

I am guessing... she is an older sister and you are the younger one???
I have an older sister... and she is as arrogantly bossy as your sister. She thinks, that she can order me around... and tell me to do things and her things too. She has even brought over her own LAUNDRY for ME to do! To which I said "I'll let you know when we get our water bill....."
It has to stop.

And if she doesn't like your 'excuse' that you have kids and no time... then tell her... that SHE can babysit your kids AND do your housework... while YOU go and do "her" errands... and that you want to get paid for it. Because, it is an 'inconvenience' for you.

next time she tells you OMG I'm tired of your excuses you have kids... Tell her "OMG I'm so tired of you not knowing how to raise a family..."

all the best,
Susan

Tell Sis that taking care of your children and immediate famiy is your #1 job. and priority. If she complains, ignore it but tell her that one day she may understand. I would offer to find a high school or college kid to pay to cut the grass reasonably . Tell her you will pay for 1/2 and she can do the same. Don't let your sister bully you over taking care of your kids and husband. She sounds rather immature and demanding of your time. You on the other hand sound like a terrific and caring Mom.

My sister used to be the same way. Know how I solved it? I let the answering machine pick up all phone calls to the house and when it's her I don't answer. When we DO talk, and as soon as she starts berating me for not doing more, being more, or helping more I just hang up with out a word, then let the answering machine take her next call which is usually one minute after I hung up. I've learned that trying to reason with someone like her, who just doesn't get it, is like talking to a brick wall. I don't need the stress so I eliminated it. I'm just lucky that I live two and a half hours away so I don't get these kinds of requests so often.

In a nutshell. Screen your phone calls and don't put up with it. CLick! Problem solved.

She is 24... You probably can't make her understand, and it's probably healthier for you to stop trying to defend yourself. Here's an interesting column on the topic, might make you feel better: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007...

There is nothing you can do to get her to understand. Your sister is selfish and self centered. Until she has her own children she WON'T understand. And possibly she'll just put them in day care so she won't have to deal with it.

Here's what I'd do. Politely tell her you can't help and then say goodbye and hang up. Don't argue or explain anymore. She's using this to try to manipulate, so take yourself out of the equation. You would have the right to say no to her even if you didn't have children, btw, so she just needs to learn to deal with disappointments. Maybe she'll learn to give you some time to work stuff into your schedule, if she wants your help. Its rude to spring things on people at the last minuet anyway.

Hope this is helpful. Stand firm and good for you for not being manipulated.

Best wishes!

Wow is all I can say. I haven't read all the answers yet, but I agree with the idea of having her watch your kids while you mow. Tell you you will be by to drop them off right before it's time. See what she has to say about that.

As far as age, I don't think that is as much a factor as maturity. I am 23 with a 17 month old, and I love every day being a mommy. Of course there are days I want to pull my hair out like all mommies have, but in general, I really do enjoy the responsibility. I just think she isn't mature enough to really understand how hard it is to take care of a child, especially 4!

Unfortunately, I also agree with the other moms that the only way she will ever fully understand is when she has a child of her own and there is nothing you can do about that. Even if she does watch your children, it still won't be the same as having the responsibility full time. I really hope she will come around though. Good luck!

Well, since she has so much time on her hands, tell her to come watch your 4 kids for three hours and then you will happily go mow the 'park"! I bet she'll never make that stupid and assinine comment again.

She'll find out one day. She just CAN'T understand until then.

Let her know you wish you could, would love to, but simply not able. Or, she can watch your four kids while you go mow: )

Jen

I don't think you can make her understand. I didn't understand until I had kids. She is just being demanding and selfish. Just tell her no when you can't do something. You don't really owe her any kind of explanation. You've already told her she'll understand when she has kids. She just doesn't get it. Don't let her push you into doing things you simply can't do. She or her boyfriend can mow the lawn or let it go. Don't worry about it. Your kids do come first and it's okay. Even if she never gets it...............it doesn't matter. I'm sorry this is causing strife between the two of you but she needs to relax.
P.S. Glad to hear she came around and was there for you at the ER. That was really nice of her.

Just say no, she'll get over it. Why is it her job to tell you what to do? Sounds like she has the time to mow and run a kitten around, so aren't you sick of her excuses? Sounds like you might need her approval more than she needs yours. Also sounds like she might be jealous.

wow! my sister is even understands that if she wants me to do something that I have to be able to have someone watch my son first. and she is 17 (with the maturity of a soap dish...seriously but I love her) I really dont think it matters how she feels about your "excuse" like you said your kids are your life and if she cant understand that, well thats just tough!

Your sister will not understand until she is a mom, if that happens. Hopefully not for awhile as she sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do.

Specifically with your dad's birthday party, are there things you can divide up that you can do from home and she can do the lawn?

Is she your only sibling?

The other thing is your husband and children are your priority. If she can't understand it, don't try and make her understand. Live your life and let that battle go.

Two people in my life told me to "Weed my garden". Meaning if she is giving you so much grief, step back and don't make her a part of your life right now. Not that it is permanent, but focus on your family. Let her be and hopefully she will grow up.

You need to break this pattern. Don't give her any more reasons - that gives her an excuse to yell at you. It's sounds like she's been doing this for years. It doesn't matter if she understands or not. You have four little kids and not enough time to do all that she expects you to do. End of story. You don't owe her an excuse, especially when she doesn't give a damn about it anyway.
Use short, polite sentences like "I won't be able to do that" and cut the conversation off. She's sick of your excuses is she? Sounds like you're sick of her selfishness, and that's OK too.

ignore her tantrums, continue to put your hubby and children priorities first and offer to help in a way that best fits your schedule like doing the invites or cooking some of the food, or paying someone to clean the house ect.....

So I am really confused. If she doesn't work why can't she mow the yard? She will "get" it when she has kids but until then just forget trying to reason with her.

Wait until you aren't upset with each other and ask her to go out for lunch of coffee WITHOUT the kids. Tell her that you're sorry, but even if she doesn't understand, she has to respect that your family comes first. You don't wake up your kids for anyone's convenience, you don't have time to mow other people's yards unless she's going to babysit, and you can't drop everything your family needs to do what someone else needs. She can call it an excuse or anything she wants, but you believe it's your responsibility and it won't be changing. So, she can either accept it, or stop asking you to do things, but she isn't going to guilt you into doing something you don't have time to do.

Leave it at that. It's her choice to either continue the relationship under your guidelines or she can find a friend who has no family responsibilities to do everything at her back & call.

First to be honest, age really isn't a factor. I'm 19 years old with my first daughter and as far as I can remember, I have always realized that it's more difficult for someone to do something when they have children that they have to watch. It's not that hard to figure out.

Has your sister ever watched all of your kids BY HERSELF? That might give her the taste of what your daily life is like and might make her give you some slack (unless of course, you think she's too immature to watch your children). She might also just be tired of everyone calling upon her because she is the childless one, so it's just easier for her to do something. Another thing, relating to the kitten, is perhaps your sister depends so much on you because she doesn't have anyone else to turn to.
I would suggest you telling her how you feel (if she's the kind that angers easier you should send her a e-mail because she would probably hang up on the phone) simply describing that you have FOUR children and your husband has to work his a** off and you don't appreciate her "drama". Or I would just email the link to this whole article to her.

On another note, she might have a deeper issue such as she might be trying to conceive with her boyfriend and having difficulties and might be too embarrassed to admit it. Which to be honest, I would because I don't think it's necessary to include your family in with such matters...

Not to be rude though, but you not standing up for yourself and not making yourself clear is being just as immature as she is being. As a parent you should be able to make it very obvious what you are trying to get across to her the first time because with four children, you don't deserve to have to be explaining the situation to her OVER and OVER again.

your doing the right thing you can't she needs to find out herself. so stick to your guns. n if she can't handle it tough. another thing tell her to come watch the kids while you do it n see if she can handle all four. i have 5 i hear what your saying.

I wouldn't let it bother me because my question is if she doesn't work than why doesn't she do it? It sounds lazy to me and she sounds immature to get upset because you tell her you simply cannot do it, because you have children to care for and your husband needs to sleep. Maybe she should have offered to babysit if she wanted it done so badly.

I only have one question since all of the answers are great: is this lawn only mowed before your Dad's birthday party? Don't most people keep their lawns mowed so their homes look decent anyway? Does Dad not mow his lawn? This is a strange request to me. Usually someone asks for a cake or pasta salad or something. But mow HIS LAWN>OKAY THAT'S MORE THAN ONE QUESTION...I am done.

Nobody understands unless they have their own.
All you can do is sit back and watch and smile when she has her own... then you can say "I told you so!"
LBC

I am in the SAME boat. My sister, who is actually 8 years older than I am, gets mad at me all the time when I tell her I can't do things. She is single with no kids and has no commitments. We recently moved about an hour away from her. She has come to our new house a few times, but is forever nagging me to come there. I can't just drop everything and come there whenever I want. We just moved and have a ton of projects to do around the house, we have our son- who has to take a nap in the middle of the day, and my husband works a lot during the week, so we have the weekends for our family time. I have had to tell her on several occasions that I have responsibilities that she doesn't. I know she is annoyed, but so am I.
As for your situation. Tell your sister, if she wants to come and watch your 4 kids for you, while you go mow your dad's lawn- then go for it. I bet she will change her tune. And if she wants to come watch them. Then let her. i am sure she will realize its a lot harder than she thinks.

All I can do is offer you support. You are right you cannot go and do everything with no planning ahead. It is just not possible. You are a good mom to four children. She cannot understand although she sounds a little selfish and ignorant if you ask me! Could she babysit for a weekend while you go out of town- then she will understand!

I don't think there is much to help her understand because she does not have children. But, think back to the time before you had kids. Even though I totally understand now, I absolutely hated being told, "You don't have kids. You'll understand when you do". It almost felt like my intelligence was being insulted, and it drove me nuts. I totally get it now, but I'm sure your sister doesn't like being told she doesn't understand. Just tell your sister that you wish you could help, but with the kids and your schedule you just can't fit it in. Leave it at that, and don't tell her she'll understand when she has kids.

She sounds immature, not just young. Plenty of 24 year olds are more mature than that. Its true, she probably won't understand how many times you have to say no to things after you have kids, until she actually has kids of her own. Its just a fact of life, and your kids will always come first. Sounds like she may be jealous.

I can see why you would be irritated with the go get the kitten thing...but to help get ready for your dad's birthday party, don't you have a sitter that could come over to your house or even go with you to your dad's to watch the little one while you mow? Is this a milestone birthday for your dad and the party is a huge deal? Couldn't hubby give up a couple hours of sleep to help YOU so you can help with the party, or is he one of those husbands who thinks he is the king and WON'T help because he is selfish? Couldn't you go mow at 2:30 after hubby gets up and be back before he leaves for work? Part of the fun of having a party is in the preparation. Work together instead of arguing about it. My dad is 84...how many birthdays are left? One never knows. Keep the peace, make a compromise and enjoy your dad! After reading all the other posts, I can see that this is an issue of "who owns the problem" Are you two bickering about this because that is what you "do" OR do you both NOT care enough about the end result of a nice yard to have a birthday party in for your dad? I am 56, a sibling of 4, a mom of 3 and a grandma of 3..."don't sweat the small stuff...it's all small stuff" I agree your sister doesn't have any idea because she has no kids, but did you know all this before you had kids?

Well, she's young. Like you said...she won't get it until she has kids of her own. It's amazing how much MORE we grow once we have a child. We can think we are the most responsible, perfect, grown up on the planet but it's not until we have kids that we fully grow up...in most cases. I can name a few mothers who still act like 12 year olds!

The thing you need to try to do is understand that she doesn't "get it." From her stand-point you are trying to get out of hard labor. She probably feels like she's lost her big sister to a man and 4 kids. As a 24 year old with no kids of her own she hasn't had the chance to see what it's like to raise a family, or feel exhausted from keeping up with everything. She's young, and most young people feel the world literally DOES revolve around them.

Have you flaked on her in the past using the kids as an "excuse?" She may feel like this happens ALL the time and may feel like as her sister you should make time to be with or help her too.

I get it that you don't see hubby often and that his days off are YOUR days as a family...same thing here. But, sometimes you have to give up that day to help someone else. One day out of hundreds to miss out on doing a bunch of things won't hurt.

The only thing you can do is ask her to come watch the kids while you mow the lawn and see if that makes her feel better. Sounds like it's the thought of mowing that's actually got her in a tizzy. Hopefully she will come around and see just how hard things are for you.

Good luck!

I agree with a few of the other posts.. have her babysit!! ahh.. (sigh) a break from the kids.. more like what i like to call 'brain mush' work..lol u can just plug an ipod in listen to some music and ride or walk behind the mower as you just chill out. While you come home to her, which will be prob ok the 1st time (hehehe) she babysits but once the new wears off..i'm sure she'd rather mow the lawn then watch 4 little monsters..lmao But she doesnt' get it.. i didnt get it when my highschool friends (well after HS) but when they started having kid.. now i do get it.. your not in different chapters of your lives you guys are in completely different books and soon she'll catch up and then you'll be able to discuss and have a common ground. Until then I would just let her watch 'em and then she can see what you mean.. good luck :)

well the kitten thing and the fact that she doesn't work yet she expects you to do these things for and with her, kinda makes her sound a little spoiled and selfish. i am sorry she is doing this to you. i would quit trying to rationalize with her - just an "i'm sorry, i can't" period. sounds like you and your husband work your butts off and she just doesn't understand what that's like. in the situation with your dad, i would talk to him and apologize, let him know it's not that you don't care, but it's just not going to work with 4 kids and a husband who works nights, this time. offer to come up with another way to help if you can. go over early the day of the party and clean, cook...something maybe. i would quit worrying about your sister and her attitude. sounds like she is the one with the problem. take care of you and yours and let baby sis find out when she has kids (although some people continue to be self absorbed after children- and IF she ever has four, it will take her awhile to catch up and "really" know what you're talking about so don't bother holding your breath for that one) i would quit trying to discuss it, and just leave it at "you have NO idea what you're talking about so just get over it. i'm not doing it. SORRY."

i have to agree with the other mom. why could she drop the kitten off at the shelter and until she deals with want you do she will never understand and it will always be like this i say let her be mad she will get over it.

my hubbs sort of works the same way and i dont drive so i dont get out alot and my kids are my world and anyone one who doesnt get that is not worth having around me b/c with my crazy life i need positive understanding people i say wait til she has children and then nicely rub it in when the time comes LOL!

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Sounds like sis is super self centered. She doesn't work, has all sorts of time, but expects everyone to dance attendance on her or accomodate her.

I'd hang up on her until she can be more civil. If dad's lawn needs mowing, and you can't do, and she WON'T do it, hire a lawn service company to do it.
But once you start to hear she's about to give you the last piece of her mind, hang up. Continually, until she can stifle it long enough to understand people other than her have lives and maybe she should get up off her keister to cover her needs. Agree to mow the lawn if she'll babysit your kids.

Yeah--I'm sorry--I'm stuck at the "she doesn't work/you have 4 kids" and YOU have to mow? !!! ????

I agree with another post that it is important that you help with your fathers birthday party but I would First I would tell her I will be there at X time to pick you up and we will take turns mowing and watching the children. I am sure once you dictate the time place and how it will be done her toon will change some. I understand I am the oldest of 4 kids and have 2 of my own. My 2 sisters have their own children but have not always worked and never understand why I cant help with this and that (I have worked full time all but 1 year since I was 16) I am still the one that helps my parents the most and prepares and cleans up after family get togethers. I also have a good friend who didn't have a child till she was 38 she never understood why I couldn't just drop things and always complained my children were spoiled. I will just say this my how the tables have turned mine are older and hers is 4 and she cant/wont leave her for anything. Good Luck

She's 24! Enought said. She doesn't understand responsibility yet and how you can put someone else first rather than yourself. She doesn't even work. You should just blow it off. You have your own family to worry about then worry that she's mad at you. Sound like anything you say to her she doesn't get.